Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Eli Manning Breaks Manning Family Record for Passing the Mashed Potatoes

By James J. Hamilton
NEW ORLEANS—Sources say Eli Manning set a new Manning family record for passing the mashed potatoes at a Christmas dinner in New Orleans this afternoon. The previous record had been set at a 1999 Thanksgiving dinner by Eli's brother Peyton, who three days ago broke the NFL record for the most touchdown passes in a season. "Eli was spreading the mashed potatoes all over the table," said father Archie. "He was making it look easy," said mother Olivia, who reportedly had two helpings of mashed potatoes served up by Eli.  "I've never seen anyone pass mashed potatoes like that," said brother Cooper. Peyton still holds Manning family records for passing gravy, stuffing, ham, turkey, corn, yams, rolls, green beans, and salad. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Super Fool III Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)


PITTSBURGH—Referee Tom Kupiec looked up at the overcast Munhall sky. "I called Goodyear, but I don't think the blimp's coming," he said. Super Fool III was about to begin and Pittsburgh comedians were about to play their annual football game in the same circumstances under which they play comedy venues throughout the region—without fanfare. Or fans. Empty seats. Doing something only other comedians care about. Showboating. Saying "fuck" a lot. Pretty familiar territory.

Except that there would also be physical exertion and athletic skill involved. "I'm gonna be so bad at this," Sean Collier predicted accurately. Aaron Kleiber said "I got knee and ankle braces on. I got the Brett Favre package on." Zach Funk was spotted doing pregame sit-ups: "I didn't have a barn to raise this morning so I had to do something else to warm up," he said. "This is the only place in the world where I'm considered an athlete," said Derrick Knopsnyder. Former real athlete J. Russ said "I was Division I. I'm CCAC talent now."

NWO captain and defending MVP Matt Light obtained copyright-infringing uniforms for his team and said "Quote this: Fuck the other team." His team was widely considered the favorite following the draft, but notable NWO draft picks Dan Jenniches and Gio Attisano were no shows (they have jobs or something stupid like that), while Zawodni & Sons picked up Derrick Knopsnyder as an undrafted free agent. Both teams had talented players with proven track records in NCAA Division I or Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural sports (same difference). It was on.

THE TEAMS

NWO
Matt Light (Captain)
Ryan Roberson
Andy Picarro
Kurt Branagan
Aaron Kleiber
Ryan Walker
Derek Minto
J. Russ
Jeff Konkle

Zawodni & Sons
Ray Zawodni (Captain)
Ed Bailey
Mike Sasson
T-Robe
Tom Musial
Zach Funk
Sean Collier
Norlex Belma
Mark David
Derrick Knopsnyder

FIRST HALF
NWO quarterback and Bob Saget opener Aaron Kleiber drops back to pass
NWO won the toss, but Matt Light decided to take the ball in the second half and gave Zawodni & Sons the opening possession. "That looked almost like a football play," an impressed Sean Collier said of quarterback Ray Zawodni's first pass attempt. Zawodni continued to impress as he quickly led his team to the goal line with completions to Ed Bailey and Norlex Belma, then connected with Bailey for the game's first score.

Zawodni & Sons  7
NWO  0  

It didn't take NWO long to even it up. Captain Matt Light stretched the field and caught a touchdown pass from quarterback Aaron Kleiber on their first play.

Zawodni & Sons  7
NWO  7 

Zawodni & Sons put together an eight-play drive that ended when J. Russ intercepted Ed Bailey's pass in the end zone and returned it to midfield. However, Bailey got that one back on the very next play when he dove to intercept Aaron Kleiber near the goal line. T-Robe said "I left my lung on the five yard line" running after Bailey, who was later ruled down at the spot of the catch.

On the ensuing drive, Light dropped what should have been an easy interception of an errant Zawodni pass. "God's already booing me," Light said. T-Robe taunted his own son: "Where you at, Central Valley? First pick and you ain't done shit yet." After throwing a first down pass to Tom Musial, Zawodni had four straight incompletions and the ball turned over on downs.

NWO answered with another one play drive and another long touchdown pass from Kleiber to Light. "Two for three, two touchdowns, one interception. Not bad so far," said Kleiber. "Wait, I just realized I don't have any flags on."

Zawodni & Sons  7
NWO  14 

The next Zawodni & Sons possession ended on the first play when Jeff Konkle intercepted T-Robe's pass and returned it 15 yards. "My fault," said T-Robe. "My shoe came off." After the play, Konkle was seen breathing heavily on the sideline and someone asked if he got the wind knocked out of him. "No, just running," he replied. "Normal running."

Both teams then scored twice in rapid succession. NWO capitalized on the Konkle interception with a touchdown pass from Kleiber to J. Russ and took a two-score lead. Then Zawodni connected with Knopsnyder for a score. NWO hit right back with a two-play drive in which J. Russ had two big receptions, the second for a touchdown. Zawodni, finishing the first half with six consecutive completions, pulled his team within one score again with a touchdown pass to Norlex Belma.

Zawodni & Sons  21
NWO  28 

NWO got the ball back with two minutes remaining in the half. After being informed by the referees that there were no timeouts, NWO marched down the field and, with seconds remaining, Kleiber threw a third down pass to Light in the end zone. The pass was broken up, but Light lay motionless on the turf. Play was stopped and everyone rushed to his aid. Was this Brad Ryan all over again? Light appeared to have had the wind knocked out of him, but later admitted that he faked the injury to stop the clock. He said to himself: "Do we get timeouts? No? I'll get a timeout."

Light's subterfuge bought his team one last shot at the end zone. Kleiber's pass was caught by Konkle, but Zawodni made a critical flag-grab at the two yard line to prevent a touchdown and keep his team within one score going into halftime.

HALFTIME
This year, players used water instead of Colt 45 to recharge their batteries
Zawodni & Sons  21
NWO  28 

As the players took a much-needed halftime break, word of an important development broke: J. Russ, whose dominant first half performance included an interception and two touchdown receptions, was out of the game with a pulled hamstring. His return was questionable. "J. Russ pulled a hammy?" T-Robe said. "We put players out of games."

NWO held a team meeting to strategize for the second half. Zawodni & Sons just stood around. 

Referee Brandon Johnson used the halftime break to express concerns about how he would be portrayed in the media: "Make sure you write about my sweet ass. Not in a gay way. Just say it's pretty toned."

NWO had the lead and the ball to start the second half. Would they be able to keep their momentum and put the game away, or would underdog Zawodni & Sons stage a come-from-behind upset?

SECOND HALF
Quarterback Ray Zawodni (allegedly a dude, not a butch lesbian) looks for an open receiver
NWO began the second half with a 25 yard reception by Konkle. "Jeff Konkle is the whitest guy on the field," declared Knopsnyder. A pass to Light in the end zone was broken up, but pass interference was called on defender Zawodni. He argued with the call, but Kleiber said Zawodni made contact before the ball got there: "I saw him put his dick in." Getting the ball on the one yard line, NWO scored on a bizarre play in which Knopsnyder rushed quarterback Kleiber without counting the required "Five Mississippi," realized at the last second that he wasn't allowed to rush, and stopped himself inches from Kleiber. Though some defenders thought the play had ended in a sack, there was no whistle. Kleiber, untouched by the defender, threw the ball to Kurt Branagan for a touchdown to regain NWO's two-score lead.

Zawodni & Sons  21
NWO  35

Zawodni & Sons responded with two receptions by Knopsnyder, who took the ball down to the three yard line. Zach Funk said Knopsnyder looked "like a gazelle." Zawodni finished off the drive with a touchdown pass to Ed Bailey.

Zawodni & Sons  28
NWO  35

At this point in the game, the teams were trading touchdowns back and forth with relative ease, but NWO always had the lead and always remained one step ahead. Zawodni & Sons couldn't afford to let this back and forth continue. Something would have to happen for them to have a chance to catch up.

That something happened on the next drive. After a long reception by Ryan Walker, NWO appeared to be marching down the field to once again increase their lead to two scores. But on the next play, Ed Bailey intercepted a Kleiber pass at the goal line. Spinning away from defenders, he took the ball the length of the field for a touchdown. Suddenly, it was a whole new ball game.

Zawodni & Sons  35
NWO  35

NWO responded by driving the ball to within sight of the end zone, but, after three straight incompletions, faced fourth and goal. Kleiber threw the ball to the corner of the end zone and a rolling Kurt Branagan appeared to come up with it, but opposing players said it hit the ground. Kleiber insisted Branagan caught it in his legs. A heated argument ensued. Funk said "They're fighting like John Pridmore gave them a bad spot at the Moose." Referees Tom Kupiec and Brandon Johnson conferred and ruled that because the evidence was inconclusive, they would replay fourth down.

NWO was not happy about the call, but the point was mooted on the replayed down when Kleiber connected with Ryan Roberson for a score.

Derek Minto earns a 5 yard taunting penalty
Derek Minto said mockingly "Is that a touchdown? Are you guys sure?" Kupiec flagged him for taunting the refs, though Minto insisted he was taunting the opposing players who had argued against Branagan's catch.

Zawodni & Sons  35
NWO  42

Norlex Belma evades Ryan Walker and takes it across the goal line
Zawodni & Sons kept pace with four straight completions, the last one a touchdown grab by Norlex Belma.

Zawodni & Sons  42
NWO  42

On the next drive, J. Russ came off the bench to try playing quarterback on his pulled hamstring. He showed off a cannon arm with a long bomb that fell incomplete, but his hamstring forced him to leave the game after only a couple of plays.

Kleiber reentered the game and completed a 15 yard pass to Derek Minto. On fourth and five, however, NWO failed to convert when Kleiber's pass didn't connect with Jeff Konkle. The ball turned over on downs, and NWO knew they had ceded the advantage to Zawodni & Sons. "Fuck! Motherfucker!" said Kleiber. Light threw a snowball at the opposing team and yelled "Faggots!"

Derrick Knopsnyder squeezes into the end zone to give his team the lead
Zawodni & Sons capitalized on the situation with another touchdown on four straight completions, taking the lead for the first time since the game's opening drive. This time Knopsnyder had the scoring catch.

Zawodni & Sons  49
NWO  42

Ryan Roberson holds onto the ball after taking a hit from his father
NWO fought to stay even. Ryan Roberson got 20 yards and a first down by pulling in a jump ball that was brutally contested by his dad, T-Robe. "I can't believe he came down with that," said proud father T-Robe.

Light then tied the game with his third touchdown reception from Kleiber.

Zawodni & Sons  49
NWO  49


Tom Musial pulling in a 25 yard catch
With time winding down, Zawodni & Sons was firing on all cylinders. Zawodni completed two straight passes to Tom Musial, the second a 25 yard first down catch. On the next play, Zawodni hit Knopsnyder again for his third touchdown catch of the day.

Derrick Knopsnyder scores the go ahead touchdown with minutes left in the game
Zawodni & Sons  56
NWO  49

NWO got the ball back down one score with 3:30 left on the clock. Their first play was an eight yard pass to Ryan Walker, but their second play was an incompletion. On third down, Kleiber floated the ball deep and said "Fuck!" while it was still in the air because he knew it was about to be intercepted, but the pick was dropped by former UConn football player Mike Sasson. "Give him a break," said Ed Bailey. "He was an O-lineman."

NWO dodged the turnover, but they were still facing fourth and long with time running out. Kleiber's last ditch pass was intended for Ryan Walker, but Norlex Belma tipped it and it fell incomplete.

Zawodni & Sons took possession with virtually no time left and easily ran out the clock. 

FINAL
Game Over
Zawodni & Sons  56
NWO  49

After most regular sporting events, opposing players shake hands and say "Good game" to one another. They say it out of tradition and habit, even if it's insincere and they hate each other. At the close of Super Fool III, the comedians said "Good set" to one another, because that's what comedians traditionally and habitually say even though it's insincere and they hate each other.

In the end, the game was a stunning upset by Zawodni & Sons. Down by two scores early in the second half, they turned things around on Ed Bailey's pick-six and never looked back. Their offense was unstoppable in the second half, stringing together thirteen straight completions and scoring on every possession. They didn't have many flashy plays or long bombs. They just got the job done.

NWO was impressive as well, jumping out to an early lead and scoring on some incredible deep passes from Kleiber to Light and J. Russ. The injury to J. Russ was undoubtedly a factor, as he dominated the first half but was unable to make an impact in the second. Still, NWO was only one play away right down to the wire, but the defense of Zawodni & Sons was able to force a few incomplete passes at key moments, and it was just enough to pull through.

Matt Light, credited with organizing the game, said "I hope everybody had fun and I hope we can do this again next year. And anyone in a black shirt, you owe me twelve bucks."

STATISTICS

Passing Stats

Receiving Stats

Defensive Stats

AWARDS

Winners are voted on by the Pittsburgh Comedy Sports Writers Association (a subsidiary of the James J. Hamilton Fan Club).

MVP - Ed Bailey

The MVP was a very difficult award to give out because there were multiple deserving players. Ray Zawodni threw seven touchdown passes without an interception, going thirteen for thirteen to finish the game. Derrick Knopsnyder had a game-high nine receptions and three touchdowns, including the game winner. But the MVP award goes to Ed Bailey, whose dazzling interception return for a touchdown was the play of the day and the turning point of the game. On defense, he was matched up against some of NWO's best receivers and came away with two picks. On offense, he had four catches, two for first downs and two for touchdowns. He made an impact on the game every time he touched the ball. He adds the Super Fool III MVP to his recent comedians' softball game MVP, living up to the hype as a "Bo Jackson-like" two sport talent and building up a trophy case that will impress probably no one, but still.

Brad Ryan Spirit Award - Tom Musial
Tom Musial keeps both feet in bounds while catching a pass near the sidelines
The Brad Ryan Spirit Award, named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a career-ending bone fracture in Super Fool I, is awarded to a player who left it all on the field. This year the award goes to Tom Musial of Zawodni & Sons. Like Brad Ryan, Musial is an old white guy who had no business being in the game in the first place, but he acquitted himself admirably by making key catches and drew comparisons to Steve Largent, the quintessential old white receiver. Reportedly nursing a back injury suffered while picking up one of his nineteen children*, he avoided hospitalization and came through in the clutch, pulling in two late catches and making a first down that led to the game-winning score. He ripped his favorite pair of pants during the game, but winning this award (and being mentioned in the same breath as Brad Ryan) makes it almost worth it.

*Up from seventeen at the time of the draft

Tombstone Badass Award - No winner
Super Fool II's Anal Avengers: The Gold Standard
Guys, you're gonna have to do something outrageously disruptive or really, really gay to win this award. If you just show up, play football, and smack talk a bit, then forget about it. You might win the game, the MVP, or the coveted BRSA, but that kind of straitlaced crap is not gonna get you the Tombstone Badass Award. Last year, John Dick Winters won the award for taking off his pants and sexually molesting his teammate. Remember that? There was nothing cool like that this year. Nobody was even getting drunk. It was just a bunch of sober dudes playing football and keeping their homoerotic urges bottled up inside where they don't entertain anybody. You gotta let that shit out. We gotta at least see some bulges or something. If you're wondering why you didn't win the Tombstone, just ask yourself, Did I do anything that might make me have to register as a sex offender? The answer is no. But there's always next year.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Super Fool III Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

PITTSBURGH—Super Fool III, the third annual Pittsburgh comedians' football game, will be held at noon on Sunday, December 1, 2013.  The game will "hopefully" take place at Campbell Field in Munhall.  Last night, the draft was held at the Pleasure Bar open mic in Bloomfield.

This year's teams are led by the same two captains who faced each other in last year's championship game: Ray Zawodni returns with Zawodni & Sons. Matt Light decided to call his team NWO after considering such potential names as Sandusky & Sons and Erick Williams's Five Year Plan.

The captains plan their draft strategy while
Zach Funk looks at some stupid nerd shit on his phone
The draft was marred by scandal. Ray Zawodni claimed there was "a lot of collusion" going on and that he "got jobbed." Matt Light's shady tactics consisted of using Aaron Kleiber's extensive contacts to obtain inside information on the availability of unconfirmed participants. For example: J. Russ, listed as a "maybe" and widely considered unlikely to play, was drafted by Light in the 9th round, moments after Kleiber surreptitiously learned via text message that J. Russ would in fact participate. Kleiber also has contact information for Jim Breuer and Bert Kreischer, reports Kleiber.

The draft board
In a marked departure from previous years, this game will feature several real, accomplished athletes. What the fuck is going on here? Stand-up comedy is supposed to be for uncoordinated, out-of-shape people! Can't we have anything? Anyway, here is a rundown of the teams:

NWO

Captain Matt Light

1. Ryan Roberson
2. Andy Picarro
3. Kurt Branagan
4. Aaron Kleiber
5. Ryan Walker
6. Solomon
7. Dan Jenniches
8. Derek Minto
9. J. Russ
10. Gio Attisano
11. Jeff Konkle

Defending champion and reigning MVP Matt Light is approaching this game the way Walter White approached the meth business: like an asshole. He will stop at nothing to destroy his enemies. Light used scorched-earth draft tactics to put together what might be, on paper, the most impressive team in Pittsburgh comedy sports history. Kleiber said Light was the "best GM in the room" and described his roster by saying "This shit is gross."

The first overall pick was Ryan Roberson, a standout junior for Central Valley High School who reportedly runs a 4.3 forty and has garnered interest from multiple colleges. Inexplicably, Roberson will put his chances of a future scholarship on the line by playing in this stupid game and taking the risk that a drunken, stumbling John Pridmore will fall on his knee and tear every ligament in it.

One of us was mentioned in the Post-Gazette for
something other than a show that no one will go to 
The steal of the draft may be Jason Russell, AKA J. Russ, who played NCAA Division I football for the University of Cincinnati. For real. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Jeff Konkle will not be the MVP of this game.

Yes, that's a Pittsburgh comedian listed right next to
Trent Cole, now a motherfucking All Pro NFL player
Light said his team would win as long as quarterback Aaron Kleiber "doesn't throw 12 fucking interceptions." Kleiber noted "that was two years ago" and that last year he threw 5 touchdowns and no interceptions in the championship game. Kleiber reportedly plans to parlay his quarterbacking performance into a Wrangler Jeans commercial.

Aaron Kleiber gives an acceptance speech to honor his 4th round selection
Kurt Branagan will have a chance to show whether he's as good at football as the name "Kurt Branagan" suggests. Solomon will have a chance to live up to expectations that he will be "high as fuck" at the game. Derek Minto will have a chance to set a new world record for sweating at below-freezing temperatures. Jeff Konkle will be happy just to get out of the house.

NWO is unofficially a 2.5 point favorite in Vegas. Light said Zawodni & Sons will have to throw some bombs to have a chance against him, but that most of them should be used to bombing.

ZAWODNI & SONS

Captain Ray Zawodni

1. Ed Bailey
2. Mike Sasson
3. T-Robe
4. Tom Musial
5. Zach Funk
6. Sean Collier
7. Norlex Belma
8. Cason Male
9. Mark David
10. Zach Simon
11. John Pridmore

Ray Zawodni said his strategy for victory is twofold: (1) He will buy Jeff Konkle's wife tickets to the symphony for Sunday afternoon so Konkle will not be allowed to play; and (2) he will throw an underage drinking party for the Central Valley High School football team on Saturday night and call the cops on it in an attempt to put Ryan Roberson out of commission.

Although considered by many to be the underdog, Zawodni's team boasts an impressive collection of talent. Second overall pick Ed Bailey was the MVP of this year's comedian softball game and was described by Zawodni as a "Bo Jackson-like" two-sport star. But Zawodni's most powerful weapon could be former University of Connecticut football player and current huge scary person, Mike "The Assassin" Sasson.

The 1998 UConn football roster: Yet another real athlete
Mike Sasson makes Ray Zawodni look like a 12 year old girl with a lesbian haircut
Reigning Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Zach "Funkamalu" Funk seemed confused as to what position he would play: "I'm the guy who runs, right?" Tom Musial is nursing a back injury he suffered while picking up one of his seventeen children. Sean Collier was drafted in part because "his dad has a sportswriting background." Norlex Belma denied rumors that he is in fact Warren Sapp.

Light's draft tactics resulted in Zawodni getting "stuck with" last overall pick John Pridmore. On Pridmore's performance in last year's game, Zawodni said "Pridmore was... ah... well, he wasn't wearing pants." Light says his team won't be able to relax if they take the lead "because if anyone knows about coming from behind, it's John Pridmore."

THE OFFICIATING CREW
The officials will have their hands full making sure John Pridmore keeps his pants on this year. Tom Kupiec will be a major asset to the officiating crew, in part because he is respected by all the participants, but mostly because can bring his own whistle to the game. Kupiec will join veteran referee Brandon Johnson, who said he plans to use "booth review" as a pretext to take a timeout from the game to watch "interracial cheerleader/sports/MILF/midget porn." Now that's just unnecessary and in poor taste, like so many of the jokes Brandon has criticized us for.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sir Mix-a-Lot Charged With Perjury After Bombshell Allegation That He Lied About Liking Big Butts

By James J. Hamilton
SEATTLE—Rapper and music producer Sir Mix-a-Lot was arrested on charges of perjury yesterday after a police investigation allegedly revealed that he doesn't really like big butts and has been lying about it this whole time. Famous for his 1992 Grammy-winning, double platinum hit "Baby Got Back," Mix-a-Lot has made a career out of his professed affinity for "thick and juicy" posteriors, but police are now saying it was all an act and that Mix-a-Lot doesn't even like big butts. A criminal complaint filed against Mix-a-Lot alleges that he was observed at a Seattle night club flirting with two women who had "flat butts" and was unresponsive to the advances of an undercover female officer who police described as having a "motor in the back of her Honda." The rapper was also allegedly caught on a security tape saying "I'm really more of a boob man."

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Starz Cancels "Magic City" After Realizing Its Lead Actor Is Not Javier Bardem

By James J. Hamilton
Javier Bardem (left) and impostor Jeffrey Dean Morgan (right) 
LOS ANGELES—Premium cable network Starz announced the cancellation of its original drama series Magic City after two seasons, apparently after realizing that the series' lead actor is not in fact Oscar-winner Javier Bardem, but rather the nearly identical-looking but far less talented Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

The story of a hotel owner who makes a deal with a mob boss in 1959 Miami, Magic City featured what everyone thought was just a lazy, phoned-in performance by Bardem, but it turns out it was actually a completely different guy.
  
"What? You mean that's not Javier Bardem? You're shitting me," said Starz CEO Chris Albrecht, moments before canceling the series. "But I visited the set. I talked to the guy. I called him Javier. He never corrected me. I feel so stupid."

Series creator Mitch Glazer reportedly realized that his lead actor was not Bardem sometime during the filming of season one, but didn't say anything because he wanted the show to get picked up for a second season.

"I told him his performance in No Country For Old Men gave me nightmares," said Albrecht. "He just said 'Thanks.' I can't fucking believe this."

Monday, August 5, 2013

Local Couple Arrested In Salad Bar Fraud Sting

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A local married couple was arrested on charges of fraud this weekend in an FBI sting operation at the Eat'n Park restaurant in Robinson Township. Herman and Julia Swanson, both 65, were having an uneventful dinner at Eat'n Park, like they do every Sunday, when their table was suddenly swarmed by federal agents who handcuffed them and took them away in unmarked black SUVs. 

At a Monday morning press conference, FBI Special Agent Dennis Manning told reporters that the Swansons' arrest was the culmination of a months-long investigation by the FBI's Western Pennsylvania Salad Bar Fraud Task Force. 

"Every Sunday for the past several months," Manning said, "the Swansons would arrive at the Eat'n Park restaurant at approximately 4:30 p.m. and would be seated at the same table in the southwest corner of the restaurant. On each occasion, Julia would order the rosemary chicken with sides of coleslaw and mashed potatoes. Herman would order the mile-high meatloaf and the salad bar. Herman would then proceed to obtain items from the salad bar and give them to Julia—soup, macaroni salad, cottage cheese, etc.—even though Julia had not ordered the salad bar."

Legal analysts say the Swansons, who have no prior criminal record, could face a maximum of 15 years imprisonment in a federal penitentiary and fines of up to $250,000.

"We're living in a society," Manning said. "The salad bar is all you can eat, not all everyone in your family can eat. That's chaos."

Manning confirmed that he spent months working undercover as an Eat'n Park waiter in order to help bring the Swansons to justice. "I'm just glad it's all over and I can go back to my family," he said.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Local High School Senior Aspires To Be Unknown Session Guitarist

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—Local high school senior Steve Weir recently announced plans to pursue a career as an unknown session guitarist. Weir, who has played guitar for five years and is a member of both the school jazz band and a heavy metal band called Skank, told friends and family this week that he hopes to parlay his impressive musical ability into a stable career laying down competent, anonymous guitar tracks in exchange for a steady income.  

Session musicians, the unsung journeymen of the music industry, are typically used by recording studios to provide (often uncredited) backing tracks for other artists and recordings for advertising, film, and television.

"I just want to make a living in music," Weir said. "Rather than chase the pipe dream of becoming a rock star and ending up working at McDonald's for the rest of my life, I figure I can prepare myself to enter a marketplace where a bunch of different people will pay me to play guitar." In pursuit of this goal, Weir will attend Duquesne University next fall, where he plans to double major in music performance and business management. His parents are reportedly very proud of him.

Weir's announcement came as a shock to best friend and Skank lead singer Craig Nash, who sources say honestly expects Skank to "take over the world" and embark on a stadium tour complete with wild parties and backstage antics that will "make Led Zeppelin look like a church choir." Nash's parents refused to say whether they were proud of their son, but confirmed that he was devastated when Weir told him becoming a famous rock star was "fun to think about" but "not realistic," and that he didn't join Skank to get famous but to hone his skills and gain experience working with other musicians.

Skank drummer Dave Kolb, who joined the band to impress Sally Wilson, and bassist Adam Dupree, who uses band practice as an excuse to smoke weed in Nash's parents' garage, said Weir is "an incredible guitar player" but also "a buzzkill."

Weir outlined plans to develop strong, long-term working relationships with multiple recording studios. He cited the example of Chris Spedding, a versatile and highly respected British session guitarist who worked with thousands of artists during his long career, including Elton John and Paul McCartney. Weir's plans were dismissed as "giving up" by Nash, whose idol Jim Morrison died in a bathtub at age 27 and who says his life's goal is to have sex with more than one woman at the same time.

Weir's high school music teacher, Allen Gill, said Weir is a "dedicated and talented musician" and is "making smart decisions about his future." Guidance counselor Nick Brewster agreed with Gill and added his opinion that "Craig Nash will probably be smoking weed in his parents' garage for the next 40 years." Brewster later claimed he wanted his comment about Nash's drug use to be off the record, but no takesies backsies.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Tenth President John Tyler Is Your Great Great Great Grandfather

By James J. Hamilton
President John Tyler
John Tyler, the tenth President of the United States, is your great great great grandfather.

That's right. Tyler fathered an astounding fifteen children during his life and, as a result his extreme fertility, each and every American—including you—is directly descended from him.

George Washington is known figuratively as the Father of Our Country, but John Tyler literally fathered our country. The United States had a population of only 8.3 million when his first child was born in 1815. The population has since exploded to 316 million, solely due to Tyler's patriotic dedication to incessant fucking.
Letitia Christian Tyler
In 1813, Tyler married Letitia Christian and spent the better part of three decades having wild, near-constant sex with her. Their marriage appears to have been a very happy one, and their prodigious humping produced eight children. Exhausted by her husband's relentless sex drive, Letitia was only 51 years old when she died in the White House in 1842.

But Tyler was not done boning, not by a long shot.

A few months after this wife's death, Tyler began courting Julia Gardiner, a woman thirty years his junior. In 1844, the 54-year-old sitting President married the 24-year-old and proceeded to bang her nonstop until his death in 1862, producing seven more children. Tyler held the presidential record for youngest bride until 1886, when Grover Cleveland married a 21-year-old.
Julia Gardiner Tyler
A Virginia plantation owner whose father was a college roommate of Thomas Jefferson, Tyler was also accused of fathering several children by his slaves. Some consider this a blot on his character, but if it weren't for Tyler's indiscriminate screwing, many of us would never have been born.

Though often overlooked and underrated by historians, your great great great grandfather was a great President. The first Vice President to take over after the President's death, Tyler protected the power of the office against members of his own party who sought to reduce him to a figurehead. His greatest legacy is the annexation of Texas, which he fought for knowing the United States would need to substantially expand its territory in order to accommodate the fruit of his own loins.
Sherwood Forest Plantation: "This is where the magic happens"
Tyler's estate, Sherwood Forest Plantation, has been preserved as a National Historic Landmark and stands today as a veritable museum of 19th century American fucking. Visitors who tour the residence will be hard-pressed to find a single piece of furniture upon which Tyler did not have intercourse numerous times. Tour guides will point out the original hand-crafted dining room table where Tyler's third daughter Elizabeth was conceived in 1822, as well as the authentic mahogany writing desk upon which Julia Gardiner Tyler was perched in 1852 when the ex-President expelled his seventh son Lyon into her womb. The fee for the guided house tour is $35 per person.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

PREVIEW: Pittsburgh Comedians' Softball Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
Team captains Zach Funk and Brad Ryan displaying
a disappointing lack of hatred for each another
BLOOMFIELD—At noon on Sunday, July 28, approximately 25 of Pittsburgh's most self-described "comedians" will meet at Wilson Park in Green Tree to play softball. Last night, captains Brad Ryan and Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Zach Funk got together at the Pleasure Bar open mic to draft their teams.

The lack of excitement was palpable. "Oh, right, I guess that softball thing is happening this weekend" was the prevailing attitude. Instead of a lot of trash talking, the comedians mostly did the only other thing they're good at: Not giving a shit. At press time, the captains had not even come up with wildly inappropriate team names yet.

Here are the teams, if anyone cares:
The draft board
Brad Ryan's team
1. Tom Musial
2. Tom Kupiec
3. Ron Renwick
4. Day Bracey
5. John Dick Winters
6. Sean Collier
7. Jeff Konkle
8. Matt Wohlfarth
9. Ed K. [I assume he still wants his name redacted]
10. Tim Ross
11. Amber Schiefer  

Brad Ryan said his draft strategy was to target "veterans," but Matt Light told him "your team's average age is 46." Ryan pointed out that Tom Kupiec played college baseball, but Aaron Kleiber said "that was 45 years ago, when he still had all his fingers." "I probably should have mentioned that I am not actually related to Stan Musial," said first overall pick Tom Musial, who reportedly has fifteen children who are older than most of the players on the opposing team. During an interview in which he denied age would be a problem for his team, Ryan was called "sir" by a younger woman.

But not all of Ryan's players are AARP members. One relatively young person is John Dick Winters, who looked at his team's roster and said it was "the least funny team in history."  

But not all of Ryan's players are unfunny. Ryan decided to "go for comedy" as opposed to athletic ability with his seventh round pick of Jeff Konkle, whose "one year of fifth grade little league experience" will be put to the test.

Early reports say Ryan's team is a big underdog, but anything can happen on the field. "It's not a Brad Ryan team until I outrun police helicopters and tear gas is shot onto the field," said Ryan.

Zach Funk's team
1. Ray Zawodni
2. Matt Light
3. Aaron Kleiber
4. Dustin Dowling
5. Derek Minto
6. Zach Simons
7. Sereny Welsby
8. Shannon Norman
9. Alex Stypula
10. Jesse Irvin
11. John Pridmore

Zach Funk said he drafted his team with a Moneyball-like system of player analysis called "Funkametrics." Using Funkametrics, Funk looked at a composite of the player's overall body type compared to the 1993 World Series-losing Philadelphia Phillies, averaged in the player's funniness, and then just picked people he thought would do well. 

On the '93 Phillies factor, Funk ended up drafting several players with "good John Kruk bodies." On the funniness factor, Funk's team has a total of one television creditEither because of or in spite of Funkametrics, Funk drafted a team that has been described as "nasty." 
John Kruk: A comedian's physique
Matt Light asked confidently "Will we use a 10 run rule, or 35?" Light said he hopes to win the game's MVP award in order to complete his quest for a "Triple Crown" which already includes the comedians' flag football game MVP and the comedians' fantasy football league championship. "Those are my only accomplishments in comedy," he added.

"I'm probably gonna have to go shirtless and scalp myself this time," said Alex Stypula, who also announced plans to charge the mound and hit a lot of "quadruples." Funk said he drafted Stypula because he figured "if he's on my team, he's less likely to assault me with a bat." We'll see.

Funk said his team has youth on its side. "Everyone should be able to run 90 feet," he predicted boldly. Funk also stated that getting drunk is an integral part of softball and that he expected his team to be proficient in that regard. 

In the end, everything could come down to John Pridmore's ability to swing a bat while holding a can of Colt 45.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Kate Middleton Attended To By "Queen's Gynecologist"

By James J. Hamilton
LONDONCurrently in "labour" and about to give birth to a child who will be third in line to the British throne, Kate Middleton is being attended to by "the Queen's gynecologist," Dr. Marcus Setchell, who refused to comment on whether his recent assignment working with Middleton's vagina was a relief from the presumably arduous task of dealing with the 87 year old vagina of Elizabeth II. Dr. Setchell did not answer when asked if the Queen's vagina would suffer from any lack of attention while he focuses on Middleton. He also ignored a request to describe the current condition of the Queen's vagina or state whether any "landscaping" was being done there.  

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Agree Tenth Dentist Needs To Get With The Program

By James J. Hamilton
Nine out of ten dentists agree on most things. But the tenth dentist—Dr. James Silvera, DDS—stubbornly refuses to get with the program. He remains the lone outlier on issues ranging from braces and whitening to Novocaine and denture adhesives. Dr. Silvera describes himself as a contrarian and free thinker, but the other nine dentists agree that he is “an idiot,” “an embarrassment to the profession,” and “an asshole who just wants attention.” 

“He’s giving dentistry a bad name,” said third dentist Dr. Mary Robertson, DDS. “It looks terrible when we can’t come to a consensus on stuff like what toothpastes are effective and how often people should floss.” Dr. Robertson’s eight like-minded colleagues nodded approvingly.

“What would you think about physics,” added sixth dentist Dr. Allen Greenberg, DDS, “if you heard only nine out of ten physicists believed in gravity?” 

Dr. Silvera, who uses a Linux operating system on his computer and has voted for Ross Perot as a write-in candidate in the last five presidential elections, said he doesn’t believe in conformity and asked whether you would jump off a bridge just because nine out of ten dentists told you to.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a longtime patient of Dr. Silvera confirmed that he is a good dentist, but described the selection of magazines in his waiting room as “bizarre,” his office decor as “neo-surrealist,” and the outfit worn by his receptionist as “obscene.”

Dr. Silvera did not respond to a request to confirm or deny allegations that he took a year off from dental school to attend Clown College.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Stunned Public Learns Detroit Wasn't Bankrupt Until Just Now

By James J. Hamilton
DETROITThe city of Detroit filed for Chapter 9 bankruptcy yesterday, completely and utterly shocking millions of Americans who had been under the impression that Detroit had gone bankrupt a while ago. Victoria Sullivan of Toledo, Ohio expressed her amazement that a city with 78,000 abandoned buildings and $18 billion in long-term liabilities had actually been in a position to meet its obligations to creditors up until yesterday. "I couldn't believe it," said Oliver Burke of Tampa, Florida. "I mean, you saw 8 Mile, right? That came out over ten years ago. How can they just now be running out of money?" 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Local White Man Has Awkward Elevator Ride With Black Man Streaming Zimmerman Trial On Cell Phone

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—A local white man endured an awkward elevator ride in a Grant Street office building yesterday with a black man who was streaming live footage of the George Zimmerman murder trial on his iPhone. The white man, Phillip Jenkins, had left his office to go to lunch Monday afternoon and was riding the elevator downstairs by himself when a black man got on holding an iPhone that was streaming video. “Zimmerman trial,” the black man told Jenkins. “They say the prosecution is having a hard time.” “Really? I haven’t heard that much about it in the last couple days,” Jenkins said, trying to sound like he was only slightly behind in keeping up with a news story to which he had been paying no attention whatsoever and was only vaguely aware was going on. The black man did not follow up on Jenkins’s reply, and an awkward silence fell over the elevator until it reached the lobby and the two men went their separate ways. “It was only three floors, but the elevator is really slow in that building,” said Jenkins, who reported wondering whether it was racist for him to have not been paying attention to the trial, whether it was racist to assume that the black man wanted Zimmerman to be found guilty, and whether it was racist against Hispanics to hope Zimmerman would be found guilty.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

“There Is No Such Thing As A Brontosaurus,” Exacting Dad Informs Disillusioned 8 Year Old Son

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A local 8 year old boy’s budding fascination with dinosaurs was dealt a serious blow yesterday when his father bluntly informed him that there is no dinosaur called “Brontosaurus.”  

Bob Troutman was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper after dinner Monday evening when his wife Debra asked their son Kevin what his favorite dinosaur was. Kevin, who was playing with dinosaur toys on the living room floor at the time, held up the figure of a long-necked herbivore and said enthusiastically “Brontosaurus!” This declaration prompted Troutman to look up from his newspaper and tell his son that “there is no Brontosaurus.”

He advised the third grader that, while it is true that in 1879 paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh announced the discovery of a new species of dinosaur which he called Brontosaurus and unveiled a near-complete skeleton that captured the public imagination, one must never forget that Elmer Riggs subsequently published a paper in the 1903 edition of Geological Series of the Field Columbian Museum arguing that Brontosaurus was exactly the same as another species Marsh himself had discovered in 1877 and named Apatosaurus.

Over his son’s loud sobbing and his wife’s pleas to “just let it go,” Troutman went on to explain that Riggs’s opinion has come to be universally accepted and that, according to rules of the International Code of Zoological Nomenclature, the name Apatosaurus takes precedence because it was published first and is hence the dinosaur’s official name.  

After receiving this information, Kevin dropped his toys and ran out of the living room in tears. He was last seen throwing a rock through the window of a warehouse down the street from his home with two other boys whom his grandmother has described as “juvenile delinquents.”

Troutman reportedly spent the remainder of the evening composing a long discourse intended to refute his 6 year old daughter’s continued belief in the Tooth Fairy.