Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Eli Manning Breaks Manning Family Record for Passing the Mashed Potatoes

By James J. Hamilton
NEW ORLEANS—Sources say Eli Manning set a new Manning family record for passing the mashed potatoes at a Christmas dinner in New Orleans this afternoon. The previous record had been set at a 1999 Thanksgiving dinner by Eli's brother Peyton, who three days ago broke the NFL record for the most touchdown passes in a season. "Eli was spreading the mashed potatoes all over the table," said father Archie. "He was making it look easy," said mother Olivia, who reportedly had two helpings of mashed potatoes served up by Eli.  "I've never seen anyone pass mashed potatoes like that," said brother Cooper. Peyton still holds Manning family records for passing gravy, stuffing, ham, turkey, corn, yams, rolls, green beans, and salad. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Super Fool III Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My recap of the third annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Super Fool III Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My preview of the third annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sir Mix-a-Lot Charged With Perjury After Bombshell Allegation That He Lied About Liking Big Butts

By James J. Hamilton
SEATTLE—Rapper and music producer Sir Mix-a-Lot was arrested on charges of perjury yesterday after a police investigation allegedly revealed that he doesn't really like big butts and has been lying about it this whole time. Famous for his 1992 Grammy-winning, double platinum hit "Baby Got Back," Mix-a-Lot has made a career out of his professed affinity for "thick and juicy" posteriors, but police are now saying it was all an act and that Mix-a-Lot doesn't even like big butts. A criminal complaint filed against Mix-a-Lot alleges that he was observed at a Seattle night club flirting with two women who had "flat butts" and was unresponsive to the advances of an undercover female officer who police described as having a "motor in the back of her Honda." The rapper was also allegedly caught on a security tape saying "I'm really more of a boob man."

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Starz Cancels "Magic City" After Realizing Its Lead Actor Is Not Javier Bardem

By James J. Hamilton
Javier Bardem (left) and impostor Jeffrey Dean Morgan (right) 
LOS ANGELES—Premium cable network Starz announced the cancellation of its original drama series Magic City after two seasons, apparently after realizing that the series' lead actor is not in fact Oscar-winner Javier Bardem, but rather the nearly identical-looking but far less talented Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

The story of a hotel owner who makes a deal with a mob boss in 1959 Miami, Magic City featured what everyone thought was just a lazy, phoned-in performance by Bardem, but it turns out it was actually a completely different guy.
  
"What? You mean that's not Javier Bardem? You're shitting me," said Starz CEO Chris Albrecht, moments before canceling the series. "But I visited the set. I talked to the guy. I called him Javier. He never corrected me. I feel so stupid."

Series creator Mitch Glazer reportedly realized that his lead actor was not Bardem sometime during the filming of season one, but didn't say anything because he wanted the show to get picked up for a second season.

"I told him his performance in No Country For Old Men gave me nightmares," said Albrecht. "He just said 'Thanks.' I can't fucking believe this."

Monday, August 5, 2013

Local Couple Arrested In Salad Bar Fraud Sting

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A local married couple was arrested on charges of fraud this weekend in an FBI sting operation at the Eat'n Park restaurant in Robinson Township. Herman and Julia Swanson, both 65, were having an uneventful dinner at Eat'n Park, like they do every Sunday, when their table was suddenly swarmed by federal agents who handcuffed them and took them away in unmarked black SUVs. 

At a Monday morning press conference, FBI Special Agent Dennis Manning told reporters that the Swansons' arrest was the culmination of a months-long investigation by the FBI's Western Pennsylvania Salad Bar Fraud Task Force. 

"Every Sunday for the past several months," Manning said, "the Swansons would arrive at the Eat'n Park restaurant at approximately 4:30 p.m. and would be seated at the same table in the southwest corner of the restaurant. On each occasion, Julia would order the rosemary chicken with sides of coleslaw and mashed potatoes. Herman would order the mile-high meatloaf and the salad bar. Herman would then proceed to obtain items from the salad bar and give them to Julia—soup, macaroni salad, cottage cheese, etc.—even though Julia had not ordered the salad bar."

Legal analysts say the Swansons, who have no prior criminal record, could face a maximum of 15 years imprisonment in a federal penitentiary and fines of up to $250,000.

"We're living in a society," Manning said. "The salad bar is all you can eat, not all everyone in your family can eat. That's chaos."

Manning confirmed that he spent months working undercover as an Eat'n Park waiter in order to help bring the Swansons to justice. "I'm just glad it's all over and I can go back to my family," he said.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Local High School Senior Aspires To Be Unknown Session Guitarist

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—Local high school senior Steve Weir recently announced plans to pursue a career as an unknown session guitarist. Weir, who has played guitar for five years and is a member of both the school jazz band and a heavy metal band called Skank, told friends and family this week that he hopes to parlay his impressive musical ability into a stable career laying down competent, anonymous guitar tracks in exchange for a steady income.  

Session musicians, the unsung journeymen of the music industry, are typically used by recording studios to provide (often uncredited) backing tracks for other artists and recordings for advertising, film, and television.

"I just want to make a living in music," Weir said. "Rather than chase the pipe dream of becoming a rock star and ending up working at McDonald's for the rest of my life, I figure I can prepare myself to enter a marketplace where a bunch of different people will pay me to play guitar." In pursuit of this goal, Weir will attend Duquesne University next fall, where he plans to double major in music performance and business management. His parents are reportedly very proud of him.

Weir's announcement came as a shock to best friend and Skank lead singer Craig Nash, who sources say honestly expects Skank to "take over the world" and embark on a stadium tour complete with wild parties and backstage antics that will "make Led Zeppelin look like a church choir." Nash's parents refused to say whether they were proud of their son, but confirmed that he was devastated when Weir told him becoming a famous rock star was "fun to think about" but "not realistic," and that he didn't join Skank to get famous but to hone his skills and gain experience working with other musicians.

Skank drummer Dave Kolb, who joined the band to impress Sally Wilson, and bassist Adam Dupree, who uses band practice as an excuse to smoke weed in Nash's parents' garage, said Weir is "an incredible guitar player" but also "a buzzkill."

Weir outlined plans to develop strong, long-term working relationships with multiple recording studios. He cited the example of Chris Spedding, a versatile and highly respected British session guitarist who worked with thousands of artists during his long career, including Elton John and Paul McCartney. Weir's plans were dismissed as "giving up" by Nash, whose idol Jim Morrison died in a bathtub at age 27 and who says his life's goal is to have sex with more than one woman at the same time.

Weir's high school music teacher, Allen Gill, said Weir is a "dedicated and talented musician" and is "making smart decisions about his future." Guidance counselor Nick Brewster agreed with Gill and added his opinion that "Craig Nash will probably be smoking weed in his parents' garage for the next 40 years." Brewster later claimed he wanted his comment about Nash's drug use to be off the record, but no takesies backsies.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Tenth President John Tyler Is Your Great Great Great Grandfather

By James J. Hamilton
President John Tyler
John Tyler, the tenth President of the United States, is your great great great grandfather.

That's right. Tyler fathered an astounding fifteen children during his life and, as a result his extreme fertility, each and every American—including you—is directly descended from him.

George Washington is known figuratively as the Father of Our Country, but John Tyler literally fathered our country. The United States had a population of only 8.3 million when his first child was born in 1815. The population has since exploded to 316 million, solely due to Tyler's patriotic dedication to incessant fucking.
Letitia Christian Tyler
In 1813, Tyler married Letitia Christian and spent the better part of three decades having wild, near-constant sex with her. Their marriage appears to have been a very happy one, and their prodigious humping produced eight children. Exhausted by her husband's relentless sex drive, Letitia was only 51 years old when she died in the White House in 1842.

But Tyler was not done boning, not by a long shot.

A few months after this wife's death, Tyler began courting Julia Gardiner, a woman thirty years his junior. In 1844, the 54-year-old sitting President married the 24-year-old and proceeded to bang her nonstop until his death in 1862, producing seven more children. Tyler held the presidential record for youngest bride until 1886, when Grover Cleveland married a 21-year-old.
Julia Gardiner Tyler
A Virginia plantation owner whose father was a college roommate of Thomas Jefferson, Tyler was also accused of fathering several children by his slaves. Some consider this a blot on his character, but if it weren't for Tyler's indiscriminate screwing, many of us would never have been born.

Though often overlooked and underrated by historians, your great great great grandfather was a great President. The first Vice President to take over after the President's death, Tyler protected the power of the office against members of his own party who sought to reduce him to a figurehead. His greatest legacy is the annexation of Texas, which he fought for knowing the United States would need to substantially expand its territory in order to accommodate the fruit of his own loins.
Sherwood Forest Plantation: "This is where the magic happens"
Tyler's estate, Sherwood Forest Plantation, has been preserved as a National Historic Landmark and stands today as a veritable museum of 19th century American fucking. Visitors who tour the residence will be hard-pressed to find a single piece of furniture upon which Tyler did not have intercourse numerous times. Tour guides will point out the original hand-crafted dining room table where Tyler's third daughter Elizabeth was conceived in 1822, as well as the authentic mahogany writing desk upon which Julia Gardiner Tyler was perched in 1852 when the ex-President expelled his seventh son Lyon into her womb. The fee for the guided house tour is $35 per person.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

PREVIEW: Pittsburgh Comedians' Softball Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
Team captains Zach Funk and Brad Ryan displaying
a disappointing lack of hatred for each another
BLOOMFIELD—At noon on Sunday, July 28, approximately 25 of Pittsburgh's most self-described "comedians" will meet at Wilson Park in Green Tree to play softball. Last night, captains Brad Ryan and Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Zach Funk got together at the Pleasure Bar open mic to draft their teams.

The lack of excitement was palpable. "Oh, right, I guess that softball thing is happening this weekend" was the prevailing attitude. Instead of a lot of trash talking, the comedians mostly did the only other thing they're good at: Not giving a shit. At press time, the captains had not even come up with wildly inappropriate team names yet.

Here are the teams, if anyone cares:
The draft board
Brad Ryan's team
1. Tom Musial
2. Tom Kupiec
3. Ron Renwick
4. Day Bracey
5. John Dick Winters
6. Sean Collier
7. Jeff Konkle
8. Matt Wohlfarth
9. Ed K. [I assume he still wants his name redacted]
10. Tim Ross
11. Amber Schiefer  

Brad Ryan said his draft strategy was to target "veterans," but Matt Light told him "your team's average age is 46." Ryan pointed out that Tom Kupiec played college baseball, but Aaron Kleiber said "that was 45 years ago, when he still had all his fingers." "I probably should have mentioned that I am not actually related to Stan Musial," said first overall pick Tom Musial, who reportedly has fifteen children who are older than most of the players on the opposing team. During an interview in which he denied age would be a problem for his team, Ryan was called "sir" by a younger woman.

But not all of Ryan's players are AARP members. One relatively young person is John Dick Winters, who looked at his team's roster and said it was "the least funny team in history."  

But not all of Ryan's players are unfunny. Ryan decided to "go for comedy" as opposed to athletic ability with his seventh round pick of Jeff Konkle, whose "one year of fifth grade little league experience" will be put to the test.

Early reports say Ryan's team is a big underdog, but anything can happen on the field. "It's not a Brad Ryan team until I outrun police helicopters and tear gas is shot onto the field," said Ryan.

Zach Funk's team
1. Ray Zawodni
2. Matt Light
3. Aaron Kleiber
4. Dustin Dowling
5. Derek Minto
6. Zach Simons
7. Sereny Welsby
8. Shannon Norman
9. Alex Stypula
10. Jesse Irvin
11. John Pridmore

Zach Funk said he drafted his team with a Moneyball-like system of player analysis called "Funkametrics." Using Funkametrics, Funk looked at a composite of the player's overall body type compared to the 1993 World Series-losing Philadelphia Phillies, averaged in the player's funniness, and then just picked people he thought would do well. 

On the '93 Phillies factor, Funk ended up drafting several players with "good John Kruk bodies." On the funniness factor, Funk's team has a total of one television creditEither because of or in spite of Funkametrics, Funk drafted a team that has been described as "nasty." 
John Kruk: A comedian's physique
Matt Light asked confidently "Will we use a 10 run rule, or 35?" Light said he hopes to win the game's MVP award in order to complete his quest for a "Triple Crown" which already includes the comedians' flag football game MVP and the comedians' fantasy football league championship. "Those are my only accomplishments in comedy," he added.

"I'm probably gonna have to go shirtless and scalp myself this time," said Alex Stypula, who also announced plans to charge the mound and hit a lot of "quadruples." Funk said he drafted Stypula because he figured "if he's on my team, he's less likely to assault me with a bat." We'll see.

Funk said his team has youth on its side. "Everyone should be able to run 90 feet," he predicted boldly. Funk also stated that getting drunk is an integral part of softball and that he expected his team to be proficient in that regard. 

In the end, everything could come down to John Pridmore's ability to swing a bat while holding a can of Colt 45.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Kate Middleton Attended To By "Queen's Gynecologist"

By James J. Hamilton
LONDONCurrently in "labour" and about to give birth to a child who will be third in line to the British throne, Kate Middleton is being attended to by "the Queen's gynecologist," Dr. Marcus Setchell, who refused to comment on whether his recent assignment working with Middleton's vagina was a relief from the presumably arduous task of dealing with the 87 year old vagina of Elizabeth II. Dr. Setchell did not answer when asked if the Queen's vagina would suffer from any lack of attention while he focuses on Middleton. He also ignored a request to describe the current condition of the Queen's vagina or state whether any "landscaping" was being done there.  

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Agree Tenth Dentist Needs To Get With The Program

By James J. Hamilton
Nine out of ten dentists agree on most things. But the tenth dentist—Dr. James Silvera, DDS—stubbornly refuses to get with the program. He remains the lone outlier on issues ranging from braces and whitening to Novocaine and denture adhesives. Dr. Silvera describes himself as a contrarian and free thinker, but the other nine dentists agree that he is “an idiot,” “an embarrassment to the profession,” and “an asshole who just wants attention.” 

“He’s giving dentistry a bad name,” said third dentist Dr. Mary Robertson, DDS. “It looks terrible when we can’t come to a consensus on stuff like what toothpastes are effective and how often people should floss.” Dr. Robertson’s eight like-minded colleagues nodded approvingly.

“What would you think about physics,” added sixth dentist Dr. Allen Greenberg, DDS, “if you heard only nine out of ten physicists believed in gravity?” 

Dr. Silvera, who uses a Linux operating system on his computer and has voted for Ross Perot as a write-in candidate in the last five presidential elections, said he doesn’t believe in conformity and asked whether you would jump off a bridge just because nine out of ten dentists told you to.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a longtime patient of Dr. Silvera confirmed that he is a good dentist, but described the selection of magazines in his waiting room as “bizarre,” his office decor as “neo-surrealist,” and the outfit worn by his receptionist as “obscene.”

Dr. Silvera did not respond to a request to confirm or deny allegations that he took a year off from dental school to attend Clown College.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Stunned Public Learns Detroit Wasn't Bankrupt Until Just Now

By James J. Hamilton
DETROITThe city of Detroit filed for Chapter 9 bankruptcy yesterday, completely and utterly shocking millions of Americans who had been under the impression that Detroit had gone bankrupt a while ago. Victoria Sullivan of Toledo, Ohio expressed her amazement that a city with 78,000 abandoned buildings and $18 billion in long-term liabilities had actually been in a position to meet its obligations to creditors up until yesterday. "I couldn't believe it," said Oliver Burke of Tampa, Florida. "I mean, you saw 8 Mile, right? That came out over ten years ago. How can they just now be running out of money?" 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Local White Man Has Awkward Elevator Ride With Black Man Streaming Zimmerman Trial On Cell Phone

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—A local white man endured an awkward elevator ride in a Grant Street office building yesterday with a black man who was streaming live footage of the George Zimmerman murder trial on his iPhone. The white man, Phillip Jenkins, had left his office to go to lunch Monday afternoon and was riding the elevator downstairs by himself when a black man got on holding an iPhone that was streaming video. “Zimmerman trial,” the black man told Jenkins. “They say the prosecution is having a hard time.” “Really? I haven’t heard that much about it in the last couple days,” Jenkins said, trying to sound like he was only slightly behind in keeping up with a news story to which he had been paying no attention whatsoever and was only vaguely aware was going on. The black man did not follow up on Jenkins’s reply, and an awkward silence fell over the elevator until it reached the lobby and the two men went their separate ways. “It was only three floors, but the elevator is really slow in that building,” said Jenkins, who reported wondering whether it was racist for him to have not been paying attention to the trial, whether it was racist to assume that the black man wanted Zimmerman to be found guilty, and whether it was racist against Hispanics to hope Zimmerman would be found guilty.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

“There Is No Such Thing As A Brontosaurus,” Exacting Dad Informs Disillusioned 8 Year Old Son

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A local 8 year old boy’s budding fascination with dinosaurs was dealt a serious blow yesterday when his father bluntly informed him that there is no dinosaur called “Brontosaurus.”  

Bob Troutman was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper after dinner Monday evening when his wife Debra asked their son Kevin what his favorite dinosaur was. Kevin, who was playing with dinosaur toys on the living room floor at the time, held up the figure of a long-necked herbivore and said enthusiastically “Brontosaurus!” This declaration prompted Troutman to look up from his newspaper and tell his son that “there is no Brontosaurus.”

He advised the third grader that, while it is true that in 1879 paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh announced the discovery of a new species of dinosaur which he called Brontosaurus and unveiled a near-complete skeleton that captured the public imagination, one must never forget that Elmer Riggs subsequently published a paper in the 1903 edition of Geological Series of the Field Columbian Museum arguing that Brontosaurus was exactly the same as another species Marsh himself had discovered in 1877 and named Apatosaurus.

Over his son’s loud sobbing and his wife’s pleas to “just let it go,” Troutman went on to explain that Riggs’s opinion has come to be universally accepted and that, according to rules of the International Code of Zoological Nomenclature, the name Apatosaurus takes precedence because it was published first and is hence the dinosaur’s official name.  

After receiving this information, Kevin dropped his toys and ran out of the living room in tears. He was last seen throwing a rock through the window of a warehouse down the street from his home with two other boys whom his grandmother has described as “juvenile delinquents.”

Troutman reportedly spent the remainder of the evening composing a long discourse intended to refute his 6 year old daughter’s continued belief in the Tooth Fairy.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Fantasy Football Preview: Aaron Hernandez’s draft value shaped by Gronkowski injury, potential murder charges

By James J. Hamilton
Every fantasy owner wants to get his hands on one of the few top tier tight ends, but you need to do your homework to make the right pick and avoid overreaching on draft day.  The subject of today’s draft preview: Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez.  Hernandez has put up impressive numbers in each of his three NFL seasons, but his draft value will likely be affected by two developing storylines: (1) the status of fellow Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski’s back injury and (2) whether or not Hernandez has committed murder.

Gronkowski, who caught 11 TDs in only 11 games last year and set an NFL record in 2011 for the most TDs ever scored by a tight end with 18, has been QB Tom Brady’s top target in recent years.  However, he underwent back surgery on June 18 and there have been significant questions about his status for opening day.  If Gronkowski is unable to start the season, Hernandez could see more redzone targets, provided of course that he has not by that time already been charged with the murder of Odin Lloyd, whose body was found in an industrial park about one mile from Hernandez’s home on June 17.

Hernandez, a former Florida Gators star whose lawyer denied has already been charged with interfering with a murder investigation, has shared time with Gronkowski in an offense that Bill Belichick has built around extensive use of two tight end formations.  With top WR Wes Welker departing for Denver and Gronkowski’s health an issue, Hernandez could become the focus of Brady’s prolific aerial assault, much as his home has been the focus of the Massachusetts State Police’s investigation into Lloyd’s death, which is being called a homicide.  Lloyd was shot multiple times and has been described as an “associate” of Hernandez, who has not been ruled out as a suspect despite his breakout rookie season in 2010 and a sophomore campaign in 2011 where he put up career highs in receptions, yards, and TDs.  Hernandez was at a Boston bar with Lloyd the night before his body was found and caught only 5 TDs last year in an injury-plagued season in which he played only 10 games. 

But Hernandez’s ankle is supposedly back to 100% and, even though he is being sued for allegedly shooting a man in the face in an unrelated incident in February, many analysts see him as a potential fantasy stud for 2013.  Others think Gronkowski’s injury problems have been exaggerated and that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s strict policy of suspending players who hurt the league’s image is likely to affect a player who destroyed his cell phone and home security system and hired a cleaning service to “scrub” his mansion.  A panel of fantasy experts projected Hernandez to get 65-75 receptions and 8-10 TDs this year, but that was before police searched his home and removed ten bags of evidence.    

Some analysts point to Ray Lewis as proof that involvement in a murder doesn’t have to get in the way of putting up big numbers, but cautious fantasy owners may want to look elsewhere to fill their tight end slot.  Saints TE Jimmy Graham’s stats dropped off slightly from 2011 to 2012, but he has consistently been suspected of zero killings in each of the last three seasons.  Falcons TE Tony Gonzalez, who turned 37 years old this offseason, caught 93 passes last year and has never obstructed justice in his 17 year NFL career.  Both are solid options.

James J. Hamilton is an experienced fantasy football player who dominated the regular season in both of his leagues last year before spectacularly flaming out in the playoffs.  In 2010, he drafted LB Rolando McClain in the 6th round and drunkenly touted him as the next Patrick Willis (McClain recently retired after three disappointing seasons and multiple arrests).  He last won a fantasy football league in 2005.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

NSA Employee In Charge Of Monitoring Our Facebook Accounts Not Too Thrilled About It Either

By James J. Hamilton
 
WASHINGTON—John Wolfe, an NSA employee assigned to the agency’s PRISM program, told reporters Wednesday that, like many ordinary Americans, he too wants the program to be shut down.  He said the outrage expressed by citizens who consider the program an invasion of privacy is “nothing” compared to the outrage he feels about “having to spend 80 fucking hours a week” reading those citizens’ Facebook profiles.  “I have PhDs in mathematics and cryptology.  If I have to read one more status update about Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy weight gain, I’m going to commit a terrorist attack.”  Wolfe added that the program isn’t even effective because there is simply too much data for him to keep up with. “Al-Qaeda could be using Farmville to send coded messages to sleeper cells and I wouldn’t know a thing about it because there’s no way I can analyze every goddamn Farmville request.”

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Praise For James J. Hamilton

By James J. Hamilton

When you spend a few years tearing up the comedy scene like I have, you gain a lot of admirers.  Here are some of the incredible things that have been said about yours truly:

“He’s a funny dude.” – Mike Wysocki

“What an incredible piece of shit!” – Joyce W.

“I heard great things about him.” – Matt Wohlfarth

“What an ignorant piece of shit!” – Joyce W.

 “A very funny gentleman.” – Tommy Kupiec

“You fucking piece of shit!” – Joyce W.

“Brilliantly funny.” – Brad Ryan

 “A piece of shit.” – Chase C.

“A very middle-of-the-road comedian who never ever ever courts any sort of controversy whatsoever.” – Ben Kenny

“If James J. Hamilton is allowed to perform, there will be some sort of disruption and/or protest of the event.  There are many more folks besides myself who have been keeping an eye on this guy and do not wish him to ever perform in public again.  This is not some kind of threat, but just a fact.” – Alecia R.

“Very funny and sometimes gets drinks thrown on him.” – Erick Williams

“You sick fuck.” – Joanna S.

“A delightful peach.” – Derek Minto

“A disgusting excuse for a person.” – Evan F.

“He is, in fact, a gentleman.” – Aaron Kleiber

“You insensitive waste of human life.” – Matt K.

“I love this guy.” – Justin Markuss

“If this piece of shit ends up getting his ass beat for the disgusting things coming out of his mouth, he’s going to deserve every last bit of what happens to him.” – Evan F.

“A very funny motherfucker.” – Mark McCall
"James: Thanks for loving rape jokes." – Anthony Jeselnik

“I hope you find your way into prison so you can see just how funny rape is.” – Matt K.

“A civil rights hero.” – Alex Stypula

“I will defend to the death your right to blahblahblah I hope you get kicked in the dick.” – Adam S.

“A veritable man.” – Robert X

“Pig.” – Emily S.

“He’s a comic.” – Sam C. Moore (quoted in the Steubenville Herald-Star)

“It’s cute that you consider yourself a comic.” – Davon M.

“He’s a fantastic comic as far as I’m concerned.” – Derek Minto

“The fact is that this dude is not fucking funny!  Have you read the stuff he posts online?  It’s couched in sexism/racism or it’s about Natalie Portman.  His jokes are banal, boring, and juvenile.  I’d rather read Family Circus.” – Alecia R.

“You are really, really funny.  Your writing is awesome.” – John Chamberlin

“Fuck you, James Hamilton, you fucking piece of shit!  You suck!” – Alecia R.

“I like you, James.” – Aaron Kleiber

“I hope James Hamilton never gets a show anywhere ever again!” – Alecia R.

“He and I are on a show this weekend in Lower Burrell because we fucking made it!” – Dan Jenniches

“Must have been dropped a couple of times when you were a baby, huh?” – Linda L.

“One of my favorite comedians in Pittsburgh, and I’m not just saying that because he’s standing right over there.  That’s an actual opinion I have.” – John Dick Winters

“Would he think it was funny if he got his ass beat?  I doubt it.  Guess who would laugh.  Me.” – Ryan W.

“He is one of the best comedians not only in Pittsburgh but in the world itself.  People blow him and shower him with cocaine daily.” – Ben Kenny

“Dude, you got issues.” – Beau L.

“James J. Hamilton is this generation’s James J. Hamilton.” – James J. Hamilton