Monday, February 29, 2016

This Will Make You Feel Old: It's Legal To Fuck People Who Were Born After GoldenEye Was Released

By James J. Hamilton
This will make you feel old: Nintendo 64's revolutionary first-person shooter GoldenEye 007 was released in August 1997, over 18 years ago, and it's now totally legal for you to fuck people who weren't even born yet when the game came out.

It was a special time in American history. "MMMBop" was topping the charts, Linda Tripp was secretly recording Monica Lewinsky's phone calls, and you were drinking a new drink called Surge when the GoldenEye bombshell was dropped on your world. At the same time, an umbilical cord was being cut on a newborn baby fresh out of its mother's womb. Today, if you were to fuck the living shit out of that baby, no court in the country could convict you. 

Some of you were probably super-excited to unwrap GoldenEye on the morning of December 25, 1997, while across this great nation a horde of mewling, puking infants who couldn't even fathom the concept of presents were crying through their "Baby's First Christmas" photos. But at this very moment, you could be tongue-deep inside one of those kids' assholes while a cop watches, and nothing bad would happen.

You and your friends had already agreed to ban Oddjob in multiplayer before these people could crawl, yet it'd now be 100% above board for you and your friends to triple penetrate their supple young bodies. They were pooping in diapers while you were unlocking Paintball Mode, but as we speak, they're old enough for you to fist, piss on, or do whatever other sick stuff you're into. Stuff Xenia Onatopp wouldn't even do.

And pretty soon, you'll be allowed to do all that stuff to people who were born after you'd already beaten Ocarina of Time.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Poll: Bernie Sanders Crushing Among White Dudes With Dreadlocks

By James J. Hamilton
Polls show that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is absolutely crushing among white dudes with dreadlocks. According to the most recent RealClearPolitics Average, Sanders has 96% support in that demographic.

“If this election were up to white dudes with dreadlocks,” said pollster Frank Luntz, “Bernie Sanders would win the presidency by a mile and a half.”

“This level of support is unprecedented,” said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports. “Sanders’s 96% support among white dudes with dreadlocks is higher than Donald Trump's 92% support among assault rifle owners with at least two DUIs, or even Hillary Clinton's 94% support among unmarried women who have used the word 'mansplain' unironically within the past month.”

Among the 4% of white dudes with dreadlocks who didn’t say they support Sanders, the most popular poll response was “I’m literally too high to think right now, bro.”

Monday, February 22, 2016

Place Your Bets: Which Members Of Our Party Will Die On The Oregon Trail?

by James J. Hamilton
It's 1849 and we're taking the Oregon Trail. It's an expensive journey, and we're poor folk, so we've decided to finance the trip by taking bets on which members of our party will die before we make it to the Oregon Territory. We're setting out from St. Louis tomorrow, so head down to the White Cloud steamboat casino and place your bets before it's too late.

Junior (Odds: 4/1)
Junior is a 12 year old boy who enjoys killing small animals and throwing rocks at girls. He has a hardy constitution, but somehow managed to contract dysentery and cholera before we even left home. Probably picked 'em up playing with them gutter children, which he was repeatedly told not to do, but the boy just plain don't listen.

Ma (Odds: 5/1)
Ma is 91 years old and has never been sick a day in her life. She can run the 40 yard dash in under 6 seconds and once killed an entire Indian warband with nothing but her cooking. She is known among the Comanche as Death Biscuit.

Pa (Odds: 3/1)
Pa is 92 years old and his only past medical issue was having both of his arms amputated at the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. Pa is wont to say George Washington was a personal friend of his, but everyone knows Washington thought Pa was annoying as hell and was just too nice to tell him to piss off, on account of Washington felt bad for Pa being without arms.

Cousin Eli (Odds: 7/1)
Cousin Eli is a farmer who's taken to drink after five consecutive years of crop failures. Rarely seen without a bottle in his hand, Eli is known for his amusing anecdotes, his affection for animals, and his deep-seated, unfathomable rage. Eli hopes the move to Oregon will enable him to evade his many creditors, as he recently borrowed thousands of dollars to finance an ill-fated scheme to grow "hydroponic" potatoes with whiskey instead of water. Eli's Hard Spuds, Inc. went under without successfully growing a single potato.
Auntie Sue (Odds: 6/1)
Auntie Sue is a four-time state knitting champion who don't take no guff and makes her living selling illegal potions to girls who are "in the family way."

Auntie Sue's boyfriend Paul (Odds: 6/1)
Paul and Auntie Sue have loud sex every night in the wagon, right next to where we all sleep. Judging by the noises Auntie Sue makes, Paul fucks good, but he's pretty much useless at everything else. Ma says "that fella ain't right in the head" and Doc Brown has diagnosed Paul as "plum retarded," but Auntie Sue says she don't give a hoot. She and Paul are living in sin, much to Ma's chagrin, because no priest will marry them on account of Paul's retardation.

Baby Jane (Odds: 1/1)
Baby Jane is 6 months old and will almost definitely die on this trip. Fragile and colicky, she will make an excellent feast for the wolf packs that roam the countryside around Fort Laramie.

Judge Holden (Odds: 666/1)
He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Nation's Teenagers Probably Lying In A Ditch Somewhere, Say Nation's Moms

By James J. Hamilton
The nation's teenagers are probably lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere right now, say the nation's moms. 

According to the moms, the teenagers were supposed to be home by midnight, which was over a half hour ago, but there's no sign of them. They haven't answered multiple texts and phone calls, which isn't like them at all. Something must've happened.

The teenagers were reportedly going to a movie at eight o'clock and then maybe getting something to eat afterwards, but that leaves more than enough time to get home by midnight. And even if they were running late, they could still answer a simple text, right? Is that too much to ask?

The teenagers could've been in an accident, say the moms, who remembered hearing something on the news recently about a bunch of cars being recalled because the brakes were seizing up. It could be something like that. Or maybe they got a flat tire and asked someone for help, and then that person beat them up and robbed them. There are so many sick people out there.

Whatever's going on, it probably has something to do with that weird Jacob kid, say the moms. He's always up to no good. One thing's for sure, this is the last time anyone goes anywhere with that kid.

The moms report being so worried that they're not even mad anymore. Normally, the teenagers would be grounded for staying out past curfew, but at this point the moms would be too relieved to find out they're okay to even be able to think about punishing them. 

At press time, the moms were looking out the living room window but still didn't see anyone pulling into the driveway.