Thursday, July 25, 2013

Tenth President John Tyler Is Your Great Great Great Grandfather

By James J. Hamilton
President John Tyler
John Tyler, the tenth President of the United States, is your great great great grandfather.

That's right. Tyler fathered an astounding fifteen children during his life and, as a result his extreme fertility, each and every American—including you—is directly descended from him.

George Washington is known figuratively as the Father of Our Country, but John Tyler literally fathered our country. The United States had a population of only 8.3 million when his first child was born in 1815. The population has since exploded to 316 million, solely due to Tyler's patriotic dedication to incessant fucking.
Letitia Christian Tyler
In 1813, Tyler married Letitia Christian and spent the better part of three decades having wild, near-constant sex with her. Their marriage appears to have been a very happy one, and their prodigious humping produced eight children. Exhausted by her husband's relentless sex drive, Letitia was only 51 years old when she died in the White House in 1842.

But Tyler was not done boning, not by a long shot.

A few months after this wife's death, Tyler began courting Julia Gardiner, a woman thirty years his junior. In 1844, the 54-year-old sitting President married the 24-year-old and proceeded to bang her nonstop until his death in 1862, producing seven more children. Tyler held the presidential record for youngest bride until 1886, when Grover Cleveland married a 21-year-old.
Julia Gardiner Tyler
A Virginia plantation owner whose father was a college roommate of Thomas Jefferson, Tyler was also accused of fathering several children by his slaves. Some consider this a blot on his character, but if it weren't for Tyler's indiscriminate screwing, many of us would never have been born.

Though often overlooked and underrated by historians, your great great great grandfather was a great President. The first Vice President to take over after the President's death, Tyler protected the power of the office against members of his own party who sought to reduce him to a figurehead. His greatest legacy is the annexation of Texas, which he fought for knowing the United States would need to substantially expand its territory in order to accommodate the fruit of his own loins.
Sherwood Forest Plantation: "This is where the magic happens"
Tyler's estate, Sherwood Forest Plantation, has been preserved as a National Historic Landmark and stands today as a veritable museum of 19th century American fucking. Visitors who tour the residence will be hard-pressed to find a single piece of furniture upon which Tyler did not have intercourse numerous times. Tour guides will point out the original hand-crafted dining room table where Tyler's third daughter Elizabeth was conceived in 1822, as well as the authentic mahogany writing desk upon which Julia Gardiner Tyler was perched in 1852 when the ex-President expelled his seventh son Lyon into her womb. The fee for the guided house tour is $35 per person.