By James J. Hamilton
Hey big shot Hollywood producers, here’s a bunch of great ideas for movie sequels I made up.
A Mexican drug cartel takes Liam Neeson’s beloved childhood teddy bear and he goes on a murderous rampage to get it back.
Michael Corleone puts out a hit on Francis Ford Coppola for making Godfather 3.
Reservoir Dogs 2
Mr. Pink escapes with the diamonds but gets beaten to death by an Applebee’s wait staff for not tipping.
Black Swan 2
Two hours of Natalie Portman-Mila Kunis girl-on-girl action.
|I'm just looking for any excuse to post this picture again.|
Dark Knight 4
Four hours long and Batman is only in it for twelve minutes.
Big Lebowski 2
Because Tara Reid’s house is probably in foreclosure.
Gone With The Wind 2: I Still Don’t Give A Damn
Not giving a damn about Reconstruction.
Lost In Translation 2: Surf’s Up!
About the Japanese tsunami, but with Scarlett Johansson full frontal nudity.
Three Old Guys And A Twentysomething
The hilarious sequel to 1987’s Three Men And A Baby.
|Where are they now?|
Rocky 7: The Rambo 5 Chronicles
Stallone versus Stallone, where Stallone’s wallet wins but his dignity loses.
Fast And Furious 6
Because every couple of years there’s a new batch of 17 year olds who don’t realize how stupid these are.
The Graduate 2
“Coach Sandusky, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you.”
Jurassic Park 4
Buddy comedy prequel starring Samuel L. Jackson and Newman in their computer programmer roles (no dinosaurs).
The homoerotic tale of two former prisoners refurbishing an old boat on a Mexican beach.
|This time, the buttsex is consensual.|
Moneyball 2: The Oakland A’s Still Haven’t Won Shit
Because Brad Pitt’s good looks do not a champion make.
Snakes On A Plane 2
Animated children’s comedy about heroic snakes who foil a terrorist hijacking plot.
Austin Powers 4
Because the Obama administration has made “100 billion dollars” sound like a laughably small amount of money.
Nutty Professor 3
Put Kevin Sorbo in it and milk that “Hercules! Hercules!” thing for all it’s worth.
If nothing else, it will delay Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy from making Austin Powers 4 and Nutty Professor 3.
Indiana Jones 5
Indy retires from adventuring and becomes an expert on Pawn Stars who tells people their artifacts are fake.
|The Holy Grail? I could maybe give you $20 for it.|