Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Super Fool III Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

PITTSBURGH—Super Fool III, the third annual Pittsburgh comedians' football game, will be held at noon on Sunday, December 1, 2013.  The game will "hopefully" take place at Campbell Field in Munhall.  Last night, the draft was held at the Pleasure Bar open mic in Bloomfield.

This year's teams are led by the same two captains who faced each other in last year's championship game: Ray Zawodni returns with Zawodni & Sons. Matt Light decided to call his team NWO after considering such potential names as Sandusky & Sons and Erick Williams's Five Year Plan.

The captains plan their draft strategy while
Zach Funk looks at some stupid nerd shit on his phone
The draft was marred by scandal. Ray Zawodni claimed there was "a lot of collusion" going on and that he "got jobbed." Matt Light's shady tactics consisted of using Aaron Kleiber's extensive contacts to obtain inside information on the availability of unconfirmed participants. For example: J. Russ, listed as a "maybe" and widely considered unlikely to play, was drafted by Light in the 9th round, moments after Kleiber surreptitiously learned via text message that J. Russ would in fact participate. Kleiber also has contact information for Jim Breuer and Bert Kreischer, reports Kleiber.

The draft board
In a marked departure from previous years, this game will feature several real, accomplished athletes. What the fuck is going on here? Stand-up comedy is supposed to be for uncoordinated, out-of-shape people! Can't we have anything? Anyway, here is a rundown of the teams:


Captain Matt Light

1. Ryan Roberson
2. Andy Picarro
3. Kurt Branagan
4. Aaron Kleiber
5. Ryan Walker
6. Solomon
7. Dan Jenniches
8. Derek Minto
9. J. Russ
10. Gio Attisano
11. Jeff Konkle

Defending champion and reigning MVP Matt Light is approaching this game the way Walter White approached the meth business: like an asshole. He will stop at nothing to destroy his enemies. Light used scorched-earth draft tactics to put together what might be, on paper, the most impressive team in Pittsburgh comedy sports history. Kleiber said Light was the "best GM in the room" and described his roster by saying "This shit is gross."

The first overall pick was Ryan Roberson, a standout junior for Central Valley High School who reportedly runs a 4.3 forty and has garnered interest from multiple colleges. Inexplicably, Roberson will put his chances of a future scholarship on the line by playing in this stupid game and taking the risk that a drunken, stumbling John Pridmore will fall on his knee and tear every ligament in it.

One of us was mentioned in the Post-Gazette for
something other than a show that no one will go to 
The steal of the draft may be Jason Russell, AKA J. Russ, who played NCAA Division I football for the University of Cincinnati. For real. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Jeff Konkle will not be the MVP of this game.

Yes, that's a Pittsburgh comedian listed right next to
Trent Cole, now a motherfucking All Pro NFL player
Light said his team would win as long as quarterback Aaron Kleiber "doesn't throw 12 fucking interceptions." Kleiber noted "that was two years ago" and that last year he threw 5 touchdowns and no interceptions in the championship game. Kleiber reportedly plans to parlay his quarterbacking performance into a Wrangler Jeans commercial.

Aaron Kleiber gives an acceptance speech to honor his 4th round selection
Kurt Branagan will have a chance to show whether he's as good at football as the name "Kurt Branagan" suggests. Solomon will have a chance to live up to expectations that he will be "high as fuck" at the game. Derek Minto will have a chance to set a new world record for sweating at below-freezing temperatures. Jeff Konkle will be happy just to get out of the house.

NWO is unofficially a 2.5 point favorite in Vegas. Light said Zawodni & Sons will have to throw some bombs to have a chance against him, but that most of them should be used to bombing.


Captain Ray Zawodni

1. Ed Bailey
2. Mike Sasson
3. T-Robe
4. Tom Musial
5. Zach Funk
6. Sean Collier
7. Norlex Belma
8. Cason Male
9. Mark David
10. Zach Simon
11. John Pridmore

Ray Zawodni said his strategy for victory is twofold: (1) He will buy Jeff Konkle's wife tickets to the symphony for Sunday afternoon so Konkle will not be allowed to play; and (2) he will throw an underage drinking party for the Central Valley High School football team on Saturday night and call the cops on it in an attempt to put Ryan Roberson out of commission.

Although considered by many to be the underdog, Zawodni's team boasts an impressive collection of talent. Second overall pick Ed Bailey was the MVP of this year's comedian softball game and was described by Zawodni as a "Bo Jackson-like" two-sport star. But Zawodni's most powerful weapon could be former University of Connecticut football player and current huge scary person, Mike "The Assassin" Sasson.

The 1998 UConn football roster: Yet another real athlete
Mike Sasson makes Ray Zawodni look like a 12 year old girl with a lesbian haircut
Reigning Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Zach "Funkamalu" Funk seemed confused as to what position he would play: "I'm the guy who runs, right?" Tom Musial is nursing a back injury he suffered while picking up one of his seventeen children. Sean Collier was drafted in part because "his dad has a sportswriting background." Norlex Belma denied rumors that he is in fact Warren Sapp.

Light's draft tactics resulted in Zawodni getting "stuck with" last overall pick John Pridmore. On Pridmore's performance in last year's game, Zawodni said "Pridmore was... ah... well, he wasn't wearing pants." Light says his team won't be able to relax if they take the lead "because if anyone knows about coming from behind, it's John Pridmore."

The officials will have their hands full making sure John Pridmore keeps his pants on this year. Tom Kupiec will be a major asset to the officiating crew, in part because he is respected by all the participants, but mostly because can bring his own whistle to the game. Kupiec will join veteran referee Brandon Johnson, who said he plans to use "booth review" as a pretext to take a timeout from the game to watch "interracial cheerleader/sports/MILF/midget porn." Now that's just unnecessary and in poor taste, like so many of the jokes Brandon has criticized us for.