Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Black Swan 2

By James J. Hamilton
Black Swan was released four years ago today. I love this movie and it has played a huge role in my life. As a comedian, I was writing jokes about it before I'd even seen it. When I saw it for the first time, the screen faded to white at the end and I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat with my mouth gaping open. I went to see it again the very next day. In the intervening years I have watched it many times and it has never relinquished its hold on me.

Though you wouldn't have guessed it from my classic, overly-graphic masturbation joke, my obsession with Black Swan does not stem from the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis lesbian sex scene (which is very nice though).

I relate to the movie because, among other things, it mirrors my artistic struggle. I need to stop being just a white swan and find my inner black swan. I have to be able "to dance both." That's a hard fucking job: "Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence. Very few have it in them."

(SPOILER ALERT)

I had the craziest dream last night...

BLACK SWAN 2: THE APOTHEOSIS OF JAMES J. HAMILTON 

*James has the greatest set in comedy history*

*Walks offstage, collapses*

*People rush to his aid, notice he is bleeding profusely from the stomach*

"I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect."

*Dies*

*Fade to white* 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Local Man Doesn't Know Whether To "Like" Friend's Facebook Status Announcing Grandmother's Death

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Local software programmer Jake Stanton reported feelings of crippling uncertainty earlier this morning when faced with the decision whether or not to "like" a friend's Facebook status announcing the friend's grandmother's death.

Stanton was browsing Facebook at work around 9:00 AM this morning when his friend and former college roommate David Peterson posted a status revealing that his grandmother had just passed away following a bout with cancer. All of a sudden, Stanton found himself in a quandary.

"I definitely don't 'like' that his grandma died," said Stanton. "I mean, I'm not happy about it or anything. But I do want to 'like' the idea of extending Dave my condolences in this difficult time." However, Stanton questioned how a "like" would be perceived in this situation: "I'm just worried it's going to come across as 'YOUR GRANDMA DIED? LOL NICE!'" 

The nature of his relationship with Peterson reportedly made Stanton even more unsure. "I don't know. Dave and I aren't really that close anymore. We haven't kept up much since college." Stanton stated that he had never met Peterson's grandmother and didn't even know she was sick, but quickly added: "To be clear: I wish she hadn't died. Although Dave said her pain was over now and she was in a better place, so maybe it's a good thing she died? I'm so confused."

At press time, Stanton said he was leaning toward liking the status but planned to wait until later in the day and see how many other people liked it before making a final decision. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Hamilton's Unfamiliar Quotations

By James J. Hamilton
Barlett's Familiar Quotations is a classic reference work that is the longest-lived and most widely distributed collection of quotations. Not wanting to be outdone by John "Look How Many Quotes I Compiled" Barlett, I've started my own collection of lesser-known quotations that are destined to become part of our cultural identity:

"Let them jump out of cake." - Marie Antoinette on French revolutionary exotic dancers

"Time flies when you're halving fun." - Buzzkills

"Veni, vici." - Blind Julius Caesar

"If you can't handle me at my worst of times, you don't deserve me at my best of times." - Charles Dickens's online dating profile

"Never a bridesmaid, always the bride." - Elizabeth Taylor

"I'm taking my talents to South Beach." - Cuban refugee fleeing Castro's oppression on a raft to Florida

"I'm taking my talents back to a gross Lake Erie beach." - LeBron James on returning to the Cavaliers

"Punt, pass, and kick? More like cunt, ass, and dick." - Vile twelve year old who sucks at punting, passing, and kicking

"Most people who are against gay rights don't even know any actual gay people." - Gun control advocate who's never held a gun

"Most people who want gun control have never even held a gun." - Gay marriage opponent who's never met a gay person
"Show me the Monet!" - Jerry Maguire to art museum tour guide

"It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." - Date rapists

"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is white, and so are you." - KKK Valentine's Day Card

"Columbine was fucking awesome!" - Columbine High School class of 2014 referencing the fun, fulfilling experiences they had in high school

"It's Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, not Louis XVI and Mario Antoinette." - French homophobes (1770-1793)

"It's Napoleon and Josephine, not Napoleon and Joseph." - French homophobes (1796-1810)
"Put the lotion in the fucking basket!" - Impatient Bath & Body Works manager training a new employee on how to restock the products

"Do you BELIEVE in love after life?" - Necrophiliac remix of that Cher song

"I'm not a hipster." - Hipsters

"Ax not what your country can do for you, ax what you can for your country." - White trash JFK

"Mace Windu? More like Toby-Wan Kenobi." - White supremacist upset that a black Jedi has such a prominent role on the Jedi Council

"What recession?" - Strippers
"Polls are for strippers." - Sarah Palin, just before making it rain on confused Gallup employees

"When will I be ready for that jelly?" - Beyonce's kid, sick of eating peanut butter sandwiches

"Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be fellated" - Blowey Ramone

"When is the winter of our discontent? Now? Really? Like, right now? Shit." - Richard III realizing he's late

"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." - plot of the world's most disappointing porno

"She said yes and!" - improv engagement announcement

"In all honesty, I only did about half of it for the nookie." - bombshell from Fred Durst's memoirs
"Alrighty then alrighty then alrighty then." - Matthew McConaughey as Ace Ventura

"That's what I love about Dorian Grey, man. I get older, he stays the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused in an Oscar Wilde novel

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get younger, they stay the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Benjamin Button

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. They stay the same age because time is a flat circle." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Matthew McConaughey from True Detective

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Movie Filming Outside Local Man's Apartment Presents Opportunity To See How Movies Are Made And To Shoot Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Local landscaper and part-time Uber driver Stephen Gilchrist reported feelings of excitement yesterday as a new big-budget action movie filming outside his apartment building presented him with the unique opportunity to observe how movies are really made and, if he felt like it, to shoot actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson with the Remington pump-action 30-06 hunting rifle he keeps in his closet. 

"I never thought I would get to see how a real Hollywood movie set worked, much less hold The Rock's life in the palm of my hand like a candle I could blow out at any moment," Gilchrist said. "It was awesome. When I opened my window, I heard the director yell 'cut,' saw the actors hanging out on the set between takes, and realized that I could easily put a bullet in The Rock's head from here if I wanted." 

"I would never actually do that," he added. "That's messed up. I love The Rock. I'm just saying I could."

Gilchrist said he didn't know what the movie was about but that he would definitely go see it when it comes out. "It'll be so cool to go to the movies and see the place where I live," he said. "I saw some places I know in Pittsburgh in The Dark Knight Rises and Jack Reacher, but I bet it'll be even cooler to see my own apartment building up on the big screen. I'll be the only person in the theater to know that those same frames of film stock that captured the take that ended up being used in the movie could’ve been the very frames to hold the images of The Rock’s skull exploding, had I chosen that path for him."

Gilchrist also observed Dwayne Johnson's co-star Nicole Kidman on the set, which reportedly led to one of the most satisfying masturbation sessions of his life. "I've masturbated to Nicole Kidman before," he said. "She was naked in Eyes Wide Shut. Very hot. But this was different. Somehow it was so much hotter knowing I literally had the power to murder her at the time and that she was only still alive because I allowed it." 

Monday, December 1, 2014

How to Spontaneously Crowdsource a Fake Fred Durst Memoir

By James J. Hamilton, Ben Kenny, and Zach Funk


Follow Ben Kenny (@benkennysays) and Zach Funk (@FunkedPOV) on Twitter. You never know when a Kid Rock memoir might pop up out of nowhere.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

A One-Act Erotic Play Adapted from Zooey Deschanel's iPhone Commercial

By James J. Hamilton

This will make more sense if you watch the original 30 second commercial first

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ZOOEY, a famous actress
SIRI, a robot that lives in Zooey's phone
JAMES, a tomato soup delivery boy

Setting: Zooey's House

SCENE ONE

ZOOEY
Is that rain?

SIRI
Yes, it appears to be raining.

ZOOEY
Oh.

Zooey looks out the window, contemplating the unfathomable loneliness of her existence.

ZOOEY
Let's get tomato soup delivered.

SIRI
I found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver.

ZOOEY
Good, 'cause I don't want to put on real shoes.

Zooey notices that her house, like her life, is a total mess.

ZOOEY
Remind me to clean up... tomorrow.

SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.

ZOOEY
Excellent. Today, we're dancing. Play "Shake, Rattle & Roll."

Siri plays "Shake, Rattle & Roll."  Zooey dances.


SCENE TWO

The doorbell rings.  Zooey answers it.  James is standing in the rain with tomato soup.

JAMES
Tomato soup delivery.

ZOOEY
Come inside, it's pouring out there.

JAMES
Okay.

James steps inside the door and hands Zooey the tomato soup.

ZOOEY
Oh my, you're soaking wet! You should probably take off those clothes.

JAMES
What?

An awkward silence.

ZOOEY
Wanna bang?

JAMES
Okay.

They bang.  He finishes on her back.

ZOOEY
(to Siri) Is that rain?

SIRI
No, it appears to be semen.

ZOOEY  
Oh. Remind me to order tomato soup again tomorrow.

SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.

FINIS




BONUS CONTENT

Two pieces of unrelated, non-sexual humor I made from the same commercial (obviously I was very taken with this commercial):

Siri is not as good as advertised.
"Make your own goddamn tomato soup." - Old timey phone

Monday, November 24, 2014

Super Fool IV Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)


PITTSBURGH—Dragging themselves out of bed at the crack of noon wasn't easy, but almost thirty of Pittsburgh's most self-described "comedians" gathered at Steel Valley High School's Campbell Field on Sunday for Super Fool IV, their fourth annual flag football game.

Showing our Bill Cosby influence by not asking for permission
"I'm hungover," said Gio Attisano as he warmed up by drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. Matt Light's team implemented a mandatory reverse curfew: all players must stay out after 11 PM the night before the game. Brad Ryan drank from a bag of Twisted Tea on the sideline, saying he preferred his hard iced tea in a bag so it could be easily converted to an IV and fed directly into his bloodstream if necessary.

Oops
A four-team tournament-style competition was planned, but had to be scrapped because there weren't enough players due to multiple no-shows. "Their cycles must've all synced up," Mike Sasson said of the six dropouts. "That's no excuse," said Holly Price. "Just wear a different tampon. Super plus." Super Fool IV was converted on the fly to an epic two-team showdown. The remnants of Marky Naas and Ron Renwick's teams were cannibalized in a partial redraft by Zach Funk's Funkvengers and Ray Zawodni's Zawodni & Sons. Aaron Kleiber explained why the Funkvengers took Ed Bailey ahead of Curt Wootton: "You're not Pittsburgh Black Dad." 

FUNKVENGERS
Zach Funk (Captain)
Aaron Kleiber
Dustin Dowling
Mike Sasson
Tom Henry
Ryan Walker
Ed Bailey
Kurt Branagan
Ron Renwick
Holly Price
Marky Naas
PJ Williams
Tyler*

*Last name unknown/Matt Wohlfarth's nephew/ringer

ZAWODNI & SONS
Ray Zawodni (Captain)
Matt Light
Derrick Knopsnyder
T-Robe
Jeff Konkle
Sean Collier
Curt Wooten
Gio Attisano
Ryan Garasich
Brad Ryan
Ed K
Matt Wohlfarth

Each half would have a 30 minute running clock, with three timeouts per team per half. The teams played 7-on-7, allowing for plenty of opportunities to sub out and stay fresh, but also turning the game into an hour of referee Brandon Johnson having to count to seven over and over as the teams struggled to keep track of their substitutions.

Matt Light hurt himself on an attempted punt in pregame warm-ups and Brad Ryan tweaked his back. "I already dislocated my finger," Dustin Dowling said before kickoff. "I got tired carrying water from my car," said Sean Collier. Jeff Konkle showed up drinking cranberry juice: "I have a urinary tract infection." Ryan Walker made a Bon Iver playlist on Spotify to get pumped up for the game. Marky Naas needed two belts to put his flags on. These guys were firing on all cylinders.

"To decide who gets the ball first, we're measuring dicks," announced Ray Zawodni. "Just give me a minute to fluff up." But cooler heads prevailed and possession was decided by laces-or-spaces, after it was explained to team captain Zach Funk what laces-or-spaces meant. The Funkvengers won and elected to take the ball in the second half.

FIRST HALF


Defending champions Zawodni & Sons hit the ground running on their first possession and marched down the field with two completions from quarterback Ray Zawodni to Derrick Knopsnyder before finishing off the drive with a TD catch by Matt Light.

The Funkvengers got off to a slow start, turning the ball over on downs after four straight incompletions by quarterback Aaron Kleiber.  "I thought Ryan Leaf was in prison," Matt Light said.

Zawodni & Sons kept rolling, with catches by Light and T-Robe taking it to the goal line and Sean Collier hauling in a TD pass from Zawodni.

The Funkvengers again failed to keep pace, their drive ending when Aaron Kleiber's pass was intercepted by Curt Wootton. "I'm like Brett Favre on the Jets," said Kleiber.

Matt Light took over at quarterback for Zawodni & Sons and led his team down the field with a long pass to Zawodni and a TD pass to Ryan Garasich. 

Already down 3-0, the Funkvengers needed to get things going if they were going to avoid a blowout. Ed Bailey breathed some life into his team by making perhaps the most acrobatic play in Super Fool history. Kleiber's pass seemed ready to fall incomplete after Bailey tipped it up in the air, but defender Brad Ryan made a play on the ball and tipped it again, then Bailey dove and caught it just before it hit the ground. Dustin Dowling followed up with a first down grab, then Kleiber hit Mike Sasson for the Funkvengers' first score, with Sasson making a one-handed grab while fending off Derrick Knopsnyder with the other hand in the corner of the endzone. 

Pictured: Curt Wootton & some people in the stands who are
probably waiting for the Pittsburgh Dad autograph signing to start
Matt Light struck back for Zawodni & Sons, connecting twice with Knopsnyder then three times with T-Robe, the last for a TD.

The ensuing possession ended quickly for the Funkvengers when Kleiber threw to an open Tom Henry, who tipped the ball and allowed it to be intercepted by Ray Zawodni.

Zawodni & Sons capitalized on the interception with Ryan Garasich catching his second TD of the day from Light.

The Funkvengers' woes continued when Jeff Konkle picked off Kleiber and took it to the house for a score.  With the score 6-1, the game looked to be getting out of hand.

However, things started to turn around for the Funkvengers as the first half drew to a close. For their only play of the day where Kleiber didn't play quarterback, Ron Renwick connected with Kurt Branagan for a TD. With a TD on his only pass attempt, Renwick would finish the game with a perfect passer rating.

The Funkvengers' fortunes continued to rise on the next possession by Zawodni & Sons. After picking off Matt Light's pass, Ed Bailey found himself with a wide open field and only Light to beat. Light said he felt like Ben Roethlisberger against the Colts in the 2006 playoffs when attempting to make the tackle, but unlike Big Ben he failed to get the job done and Bailey went all the way for a TD to close out the first half. 

Halftime Score
Zawodni & Sons 6
Funkvengers 3

SECOND HALF


Asked what his team needed to do to turn things around in the second half, Zach Funk said "Winning isn't everything. Win or lose, no one can take away my 2012 Brad Ryan Spirit Award." Matt Light said his team's strategy for the second half was to "keep letting Aaron Kleiber throw the ball for the other team" and "double cover Ed Bailey."

The Funkvengers began the second half by continuing the momentum they picked up at the end of the first half. Their opening possession resulted in a score when Kleiber threw a TD pass to Dustin Dowling.

On the first play of the next drive, Ed Bailey intercepted Ray Zawodni and took it all the way for his second pick-6 of the day. All of a sudden the game was back on. After a dismal 6-1 start, the Funkvengers had scored four unanswered TDs to make it 6-5. Zach Funk was elated: "Do you believe in miracles? As an agnostic, I do not, but something may be happening here."

Zawodni & Sons responded by installing Jeff Konkle at quarterback. Konkle spread the ball around and hit Knopsnyder for a TD. "The Konkle Express just got here!" said Zawodni. Konkle had a chip on his shoulder going into the game because he was upset about not being drafting until the fourth round: "Ed K got drafted before me? I'm fucking bringing it!"

Aaron Kleiber: "Jeff Konkle looks like Captain America before they did experiments on him."
The Funkvengers' comeback was stymied on their next possession when Kleiber's errant pass was intercepted by Matt Light.

The Konkle Express kept on rolling on the next drive, which culminated in another TD pass from Konkle to Knopsnyder. 

The teams then traded TDs back and forth, with Kleiber connecting with Mike Sasson and Konkle hooking up with Light. Ed Bailey followed up with a TD from Kleiber to pull the Funkvengers back to within two scores.

With time winding down, Zawodni & Sons had the ball and a 9-7 lead. On the first play of the drive, Light appeared to go down with an injury and was helped off the field. But as soon as he got to the sideline, he ran back on the field and revealed he had faked the injury to run time off the clock. Unbeknownst to Light, however, an injury timeout had been called. This type of gamesmanship is nothing new with Light. In Super Fool III, when the teams had no timeouts, he faked an injury to stop the clock and give his team time to score at the end of the first half. Matt Light fakes it almost as much as his girlfriend.


Light's shenanigans aside, Zawodni & Sons continued to run down the clock, but the Funkvengers refused to give up. When Ron Renwick dropped an interception opportunity, Kleiber said "What the fuck, Ron? What a pussy." Konkle castigated himself for his "pussy ass throw." The drive ended with Konkle's pass being intercepted by Tyler, who ran it all the way back for a TD. 

Matt Wohlfarth's nephew, Tyler was a potential ringer whose eligibility was in question. When it was asked whether he was a comedian, Tyler was prompted to tell a joke, which he did: "If God never invented nipples, would titties be useless?" Not great, but pretty much on the same level as most of the actual comedians' jokes, so it was decided to let the question of Tyler's eligibility slide.

Things were coming down to the wire. Tyler's pick-6 made the score 9-8 with two minutes remaining. Zawodni & Sons had the ball though, and all they had to do was run out the clock. Matt Light stepped in as quarterback, but rather than play it safe and protect the ball, he opened the drive with a long bomb to Gio Attisano that resulted in a TD. "Is that enough time for you faggots?" Light said, putting his team up by two and icing the game.

By the time the Funkvengers got the ball back, they only had time for one play before the clock ran out. Kleiber attempted a hail mary to the end zone, but Light came down with the interception as the clock expired.    


Final Score
Zawodni & Sons 10
Funkvengers 8

Super Fool IV ended with a second straight championship victory for Ray Zawodni's Zawodni & Sons. They came out of the box firing and didn't look back. Scoring on the first possession of the game, they remained in control throughout the afternoon and never relinquished the lead. After starting down 6-1, the Funkvengers outscored their opponent 7-4, but it wasn't enough to dig themselves out of the hole. The turning point in the game was Matt Light's interception that broke the Funkvengers' momentum when they were beginning to mount a comeback in the second half, although Light said "the turning point in the game was when Zach Funk drafted Aaron Kleiber in the first round." Kleiber's five interception performance will no doubt haunt him as he tours the country with major headliners and appears on television. For others, Super Fool glory will be the lone bright spot in an otherwise meaningless existence: "Everyone on my team PayPal me $64," Light said, "so I can order our championship rings from Jostens." 


STATISTICS


AWARDS

Awards are voted on by the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers Association.

Most Valuable Player
Winner - Matt Light
Two-time MVP, all-time asshole
Super Fool IV's MVP award goes to Matt Light, who, in addition to leading the league in taunting and gamesmanship, excelled in all phases of the game. He tied for game highs in three major statistics with 4 passing TDs, 2 receiving TDs, and 2 interceptions. He had the interception that extinguished the Funkvengers' momentum in the second half and put the final nails in their coffin with a TD pass and interception in the final minutes of the game. Light becomes the Super Fool's first two-time MVP, adding this award to the one he earned in Super Fool II. Asked to comment on his win, Light said: "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!"

Honorable mention - Ed Bailey, Jeff Konkle, Derrick Knopsnyder

Brad Ryan Spirit Award
Winner - Brad Ryan

Brad Ryan celebrates his award win by sucking down a bag of hard iced tea
The Brad Ryan Spirit Award goes to a player who left it all on the field. The award was named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a broken arm in Super Fool I. That injury was once thought to be career-ending, but in Super Fool IV Brad Ryan came out of retirement and returned to the gridiron. Even after tweaking his back in pregame warm-ups, the 47-year-old, fueled by hard iced tea, stuck it out to the end. His bravery in stepping back on the field against the odds has earned him his eponymous award. Ryan said he was flattered and honored to receive the award, although he wished "it would've been named after somebody more significant in Pittsburgh comedy," which is tantamount to wishing someone else had broken an arm instead of him.

James J. Hamilton Award for Excellence in Journalism
Winner - James J. Hamilton

Natalie Portman presenting James J. Hamilton with his award
Let's face it: the best thing about this game is this article. Over the past three years, the Super Fool has received coverage on a level far greater than it deserves. It's like if William Faulkner wrote about the dump you took this morning. All of this is due solely to the ingenuity and brilliance of James J. Hamilton. Hamilton invented the job of Pittsburgh comedy intramural sports beat writer prior to Super Fool II so he could watch the game without being asked to play, but has since turned it into an institution that has garnered literally dozens of likes on Facebook. Because of his efforts, future generations will know that there was once a Pittsburgh comedy scene and that its members were mostly egotistical braggarts who sucked at football. Asked to comment on his much-deserved win, Hamilton said: "Meeting Natalie Portman at the presentation ceremony and having sex with her afterward is its own reward."

Notes on other awards

The Tombstone Badass Award was given to John Winters in 2012 for taking his pants off and sexually molesting a teammate on the field. The Tombstone had no winner in 2013 and, once again this year, no one met the requirements for this award. Winters's performance set the bar pretty high. To win, you basically need to do something so extreme that when it gets written about by award-winning sports writer James J. Hamilton* and his article pops up on a Google search of your name by potential future employers, you will be disqualified from ever holding a job. 

Ray Zawodni expressed a desire that Ryan Walker be given an award for "best package exposure," but this is not an official award category. Since he will not receive a trophy, Ryan will have to be content with the knowledge that Ray loved his package and is definitely thinking about it right now.

*Winner, James J. Hamilton Award for Excellence in Journalism (2014)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Super Fool IV Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)*

PITTSBURGH—On Sunday, November 23, Pittsburgh comedians will gather at Steel Valley High School to participate in Super Fool IV, the fourth annual comedians' flag football game. After a two-team showdown last year, the Super Fool will return to the four-team tournament format of two years ago, assuming enough of the people who said they're playing actually show up.

Last night, League Commissioner Matt Light and four team captains conducted the draft via Facebook messaging:

He meant cock
Last year's draft board featured a wealth of legitimate college and high school football talent, but this year's Super Fool may be getting back to its roots as an embarrassing contest of unathleticism. "These are some slim pickens," said captain Ron Renwick as he surveyed the list of participants. "Aren't there more black players?"

Here is a preview of the teams:

Zawodni & Sons (Captain: Ray Zawodni)
1. Matt Light
2. Derrick Knopsnyder
3. T-Robe
4. Jeff Konkle
5. Sean Collier
6. Krish Mohan

Ray Zawodni's Zawodni & Sons are the defending champions and return four players from their Super Fool III winning team. Their notable addition is former MVP and current League Commissioner, first overall pick Matt Light.

Exclusive footage of Matt Light reacting to being picked first overall

With Light joining Zawodni and Derrick Knopsnyder, who unofficially finished second and third in MVP voting last year, this team has the most proven talent and, on paper, must be considered the favorite.

Its depth players include Jeff Konkle, who plans to have a big game this Sunday, at least until his pregnant wife finds out about it and tells him he can't go. Seriously, Jeff? You know damn well you haven't finished painting the baby's room. No, it's not "fine the way it is." It needs another coat. We've been through this.  

The Zawodni & Sons roster also features Krish Mohan, despite Light's efforts to get Zawodni to forfeit his last pick to avoid taking the Indian Sensation. While Mohan would probably have been picked much higher if this were a cricket match or a snake-charming tournament, he'll have a chance this Sunday to prove whether he has any aptitude for American football.

We Are Groot (Captain: Marky Naas)
1. Ed Bailey
2. Alex Stypula
3. Andy Picarro
4. Holly Price
5. Solomon
6. Shannon Norman
7. Brad Ryan

Marky Naas, who was selected as a captain on the merit-based system of being first to comment on a Facebook post, named his team We Are Groot. When asked to comment on his draft strategy, he said "I am Groot." 

The star of We Are Groot is obviously reigning MVP Ed Bailey. He could be the most talented player on any team, but the question will be whether he has the supporting cast around him for this team to be competitive.

Alex Stypula, who missed Super Fool III recovering from a heart attack, will attempt to regain the form he showed in Super Fool II, where he stood out as a wide receiver/"wide receiver":

John Pridmore looks on, jealous
Andy Picarro said of his third round selection: "Wow. Fucking taken too early again." If Andy wants people to stop thinking he's athletic, maybe he should stop wearing sports jerseys all the time.

Though not the first female to be drafted in Super Fool history, fourth round pick Holly Price is set to be the first female to actually play. Holly was ecstatic about her selection: "Woo hoo! 4th Round! Just call me Martavis!" The ten guys who were (deservedly) picked after the girl need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask themselves where it all went wrong.

Black enough?
Like Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson, fifth round pick Solomon is having his blackness called into question leading up to this game. Some have suggested that he's not black enough because it took him all the way to age 28 before he accidentally impregnated a white woman, but he'll have a chance to prove his blackness by performing well this Sunday, or to prove it even more powerfully by not showing up for the game.

Another major storyline is the anticipated return to the gridiron of Brad Ryan, who suffered a broken forearm in Super Fool I and is the reason this game is now flag football and not full contact. Ryan said that after he was injured by a devastating hit from Terry Jones on that fateful day in 2011, he was "helped off the field by all the supporting comedians who genuinely cared about me. Which basically meant that I walked off the field by myself." The injury was once thought to be career-ending, but Ryan will get back on the field this Sunday and attempt to take revenge on all those who wronged him. He is easily the overwhelming favorite to win the Brad Ryan Spirit Award.   

The Funkvengers (Captain: Zach Funk)
1. Aaron Kleiber
2. Dustin Dowling
3. Mike Sasson
4. Tom Henry
5. Ryan Walker
6. Corey Carr

Zach Funk, the second cloying nerd to name his team after comic book characters, said of his captaincy: "I'm honored to have gone from Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner to inconsequential player to team captain. It just goes to show what can happen when you believe in yourself and no one else wants to do something."

Funk's team will be led by veteran quarterback Aaron Kleiber (Gotham Comedy Live, Big Sky Comedy Festival Top 5 Finalist). Matt Light compared Kleiber's first round selection to that of Ryan Leaf and suggested that he was only picked first so Funk could "get work at the Improv," but Light is sorely mistaken. Unlike Leaf, Kleiber is a proven talent at quarterback who has already led a team to a Super Fool championship, and Zach Funk will never work at the Improv.

The Funkvengers' roster has some solid receivers for Kleiber to throw to, including Dustin Dowling and Ryan Walker. It also features Mike Sasson, former Division I offensive lineman for UConn. Sasson faces the challenge of finding a niche in a format that does not include an offensive or defensive line, but his high football IQ and Incredible Hulk physique should make him a factor in the game.

POVs (Captain: Ron Renwick)
1. Gio Attisano
2. Kurt Branagan
3. Ryan Garasich
4. Ed K (last name redacted by request, because it would hurt his career to be publicly associated with these people, but you all know him as the more successful, Jewish version of Vincent Didiano)
5. Matt Wohlfarth
6. PJ Williams

Ron Renwick named his team the POVs, after the kind of porn he likes, where it's from the guy's point of view, looking down at the other guy. Before the draft, Renwick said: "My picks will be based solely on who might bring cocaine or get me high afterwards." By that measure, he probably drafted a terrible team. By any other measure, however, he also probably drafted a terrible team.

Gio Attisano played great in Super Fool II and Kurt Branagan has been described as "big time," but wear and tear could be a factor with Matt Wohlfarth and PJ Williams, who have a combined age of 178. 

Rookie Ryan Garasich was picked because he "looks like he played intramurals." It was also said that he "looks like a Wes Welker type dude," meaning he's likely get multiple concussions, test positive for molly, and drop a critical pass on the final drive of the game.

Player Conduct Policies

In light of the recent controversies plaguing the NFL, League Commissioner Matt Light has announced that the Super Fool will adhere to strict player conduct policies designed to protect the integrity and public image of the game. Players who engage in inappropriate conduct could face a suspension of up to four open mics.

"Domestic abuse is a hot topic," Commissioner Light said, "but most of these guys can't beat women. Some because they are weak, others because they can't get a woman." Nevertheless, woman-beating will not be tolerated. Keep the abuse of women where it belongs, fellas: in your jokes.

If you don't at least have some weed in your system, you might not be allowed to play
The Super Fool also has a strict substance abuse policy: substance abuse is strongly encouraged. Players drank Colt 45 on the sidelines at Super Fool II, but everyone at Super Fool III just drank water like a bunch of pussies. Players need to step it up this year and ignore the enhanced criminal penalties associated with drug and alcohol use on public school property. "There may be random drug testing," Commissioner Light said. "Just to see who we can get the best shit from."

Commissioner Matt Light's league rule book
Despite his adoption of Hitler's Mein Kampf as the league rule book, Commissioner Light said "the Pittsburgh comedy scene respects retards, and welcomes retards of all chromosome levels to the game." Hear that, Roger Goodell? That's how you protect the shield.

Super Fool IV
Sunday, November 23, 2014
11 AM
Steel Valley High School
3113 Main Street
Munhall, PA 15120

*2-time winner of the James J. Hamilton's Blog Award for Best Sports Reporting On James J. Hamilton's Blog (2012 & 2013)

UPDATES/CORRECTIONS:

Solomon is 26, not 28 as stated above.

Holly Price will be the second female to play in a Super Fool, as Amber Schiefer played in Super Fool II.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

By James J. Hamilton

I was at an open mic last night (October 30th) and some people were dressed up in Halloween costumes. I haven't dressed up in years, and when I did it was always just a lazy-ass "Hamlet" costume (it involves wearing all black like I usually do anyway and carrying around a plastic skull). A comic talked about the Halloween tradition of pranking people, of toilet-papering houses and shit. I've never done anything like that, unless you count that one time I destroyed a neighbor's pumpkins with a medieval ball and chain because they had been left out for weeks after Halloween and I was sick of looking at them. So I thought, I should prank somebody on Halloween tomorrow. I should TP a house or something, just for the fuck of it. I just turned thirty, but that doesn't mean I have to be dead inside all the time. I can still cut loose and have fun, right?

But then I thought, it wouldn't be very fun to TP some random person's house. I don't know anybody who lives in my neighborhood. I'm not just going to fuck with somebody for no reason. That wouldn't be fun for me. I need an enemy. I wish I had an enemy I could take revenge on. But I thought, there's no way I'm going to make an enemy in the next 24 hours, so forget about it.

I was wrong. When I got home from the open mic at about 11:45 p.m., some asshole was parked in my spot. I live in an apartment building where everyone has their own assigned spot. The spots are numbered with your apartment number and no one else is allowed to park there. I've had people park in my spot several times and I get really pissed when it happens. I get so pissed that I've adopted a policy regarding people parking in my spot: If I get home at night and there's someone in my spot, I'll go ahead and park on the street. But if the car is still in my spot when I wake up in the morning, I will key that car. I've never had to execute this policy yet because no one has stayed in my spot until morning, but I swear to Jesus H.W. Christ I will do it.

So when I see this asshole in my spot, I get pissed and I'm thinking, okay motherfucker, you better hope you're not still there when I get up because I will fucking key your ratty-ass Mitsubishi Lancer into oblivion. I went ahead and parked on the street like some kind of goddamn animal, but I'm so mad I'm actually hoping they're still there in the morning because I really want to key this car. I want to prove to myself that I'm serious about my car-keying policy. I took the long way around the building so I could stand next to the car and stew in rage. I was so serious that I left a note for myself to read in the morning:
So I'm all geared up to key this car in the morning when I see the clock says 11:50. It's about to be Halloween in ten minutes, and I remembered what I was thinking earlier about wanting an enemy to prank. This is it. The gods of Halloween (Satan?) have granted my wish. Now is my chance. 

When the clock strikes midnight, I'm going to egg this car.

Don't fuck with me on Halloween. I'm an adult. I'm on a low-carb diet. I have a shitload of eggs.

So I egged the car, 100% sober, by myself. I'm thirty years old and not only did I egg the shit out of this car, I set up a Sony Handycam on a tripod and filmed myself egging the shit out of this car.


Happy Halloween. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Heckler Gets The Royal Treatment

By James J. Hamilton
Last night I was talking about Kate Middleton's vagina onstage and referred to it as "a princess's vagina." An audience member interrupted and said I was incorrect to say that because Kate is a duchess, not a princess. I was well aware that she is a duchess but I wasn't prepared to discuss authoritatively whether she is also a princess and thus I couldn't dispute the audience member's criticism. After my performance, however, I researched the issue and have determined that my reference was in fact not incorrect. While there was controversy at the time of Kate's marriage as to whether she was a princess, spokesmen for the royal family have confirmed that Kate is entitled to use the rank of her husband and is therefore "Princess William of Wales." Though calling her "Princess Catherine" would be incorrect, referring to her generically as "the princess" is okay. In fact, her occupation was listed as "Princess of the United Kingdom" on her son's official birth certificate. With the royal family's stamp of approval, then, Kate's vagina may properly be termed "a princess's vagina." Therefore, my reference is, as Shakespeare might say, "well ratified by law and heraldry." Heckler, you've been served.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A Few Good Jokes

A play in one scene by James J. Hamilton


PROSECUTOR: James J. Hamilton, did you post a personalized rape joke contest on Facebook?

JUDGE: You don’t have to answer that question.

JJH: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I think I’m entitled.

JJH: You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I want the truth.

JJH: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we use a Facebook that has walls, and those walls have to be posted on by men with jokes. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, with your Buzzfeed links and Upworthy garbage? Reposting other people’s content without ever producing anything yourself? You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having to do what I do. Of not having to create comedy, of sitting back with your nose turned up and passing judgment on those who do something you cannot possibly fathom. You can’t make anyone laugh, so you become a killjoy for everyone who doesn’t have the same stick up their ass as you do. But my comedy, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on your wall, you need me on your wall. We use words like “rape,” “abortion,” “retard.” We use these words as part of an art form that makes it a little easier for some people to bear the unbearable things in life. You use them as a cudgel to beat straw men. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who’s already closed his mind against a joke before he’s even heard it. I would rather you just kept your mouth shut, and read The Family Circus. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pen and do it yourself. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: I did the job that—

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

[JJH handcuffed and taken to jail]

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Truth About Bigfoot

By James J. Hamilton
FACT: 

The Animal Planet show Finding Bigfoot is a conspiracy created by the Illuminati to make sure we DON’T find Bigfoot, and also to trick us into believing Bigfoots, Sasquatches, Yetis, and Abominable Snowmen are all the same thing, when in fact they are four different races that are AT WAR with each other.

OTHER FACTS:

Sasquatches are responsible for 9-11. 

Bigfoots invented LSD.

Abominable Snowmen sank the Titanic. Only 20% of the bodies of those who supposedly died were recovered, because the other 80% in fact did not die, but were kidnapped by Abominable Snowmen. Some were used in scientific experiments, but most were used to create a “Human Zoo” that still exists at the Abominable Snowman capital city in Antarctica.

In 1994, Yetis attacked Nancy Kerrigan and paid Tonya Harding one million Yeti dollars to take the fall for it.

STILL MORE FACTS:

In 2000, five hundred Sasquatches voted for George W. Bush in Broward County, Florida.

Bigfoots created global warming in an attempt to hurt the Abominable Snowman economy. Al Gore crusades against global warming because he is a pawn of Abominable Snowmen. He does whatever they tell him because they have threatened to expose the fact that he is an extraterrestrial being who crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

All of Miley Cyrus’s music is written by Yetis. Yetis also wrote her father’s hit song “Achy Breaky Heart.”
FALSE: Part of a smear campaign orchestrated by Abominable Snowmen
YET ANOTHER SET OF SHOCKING FACTS:

During the filming of the first season of the TV show Harry and the Hendersons, Kevin Peter Hall, the actor who played Harry, was murdered by a group of Sasquatches who felt his portrayal of the character was too realistic and suspected he had been contacted by a disgruntled Sasquatch who tipped him off on how they really act.  

In 1595, William Shakespeare got the idea for Romeo & Juliet from a Bigfoot who dosed him with LSD and told him the tragic story of a Bigfoot and Sasquatch who fell in love. Shakespeare thought the experience was a dream.

Abominable Snowmen hijacked Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. The people were used as new exhibits in the Abominable Snowmen’s Human Zoo and were considered exciting additions because all the other humans in the zoo had been born there (descended from Titanic passengers) and had never lived in the real world. 

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was leaked by Yetis. Yetis are the secret executive producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!