Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Black Swan 2

By James J. Hamilton
Black Swan was released four years ago today. I love this movie and it has played a huge role in my life. As a comedian, I was writing jokes about it before I'd even seen it. When I saw it for the first time, the screen faded to white at the end and I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat with my mouth gaping open. I went to see it again the very next day. In the intervening years I have watched it many times and it has never relinquished its hold on me.

Though you wouldn't have guessed it from my classic, overly-graphic masturbation joke, my obsession with Black Swan does not stem from the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis lesbian sex scene (which is very nice though).

I relate to the movie because, among other things, it mirrors my artistic struggle. I need to stop being just a white swan and find my inner black swan. I have to be able "to dance both." That's a hard fucking job: "Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence. Very few have it in them."

(SPOILER ALERT)

I had the craziest dream last night...

BLACK SWAN 2: THE APOTHEOSIS OF JAMES J. HAMILTON 

*James has the greatest set in comedy history*

*Walks offstage, collapses*

*People rush to his aid, notice he is bleeding profusely from the stomach*

"I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect."

*Dies*

*Fade to white* 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Local Man Doesn't Know Whether To "Like" Friend's Facebook Status Announcing Grandmother's Death

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Local software programmer Jake Stanton reported feelings of crippling uncertainty earlier this morning when faced with the decision whether or not to "like" a friend's Facebook status announcing the friend's grandmother's death.

Stanton was browsing Facebook at work around 9:00 AM this morning when his friend and former college roommate David Peterson posted a status revealing that his grandmother had just passed away following a bout with cancer. All of a sudden, Stanton found himself in a quandary.

"I definitely don't 'like' that his grandma died," said Stanton. "I mean, I'm not happy about it or anything. But I do want to 'like' the idea of extending Dave my condolences in this difficult time." However, Stanton questioned how a "like" would be perceived in this situation: "I'm just worried it's going to come across as 'YOUR GRANDMA DIED? LOL NICE!'" 

The nature of his relationship with Peterson reportedly made Stanton even more unsure. "I don't know. Dave and I aren't really that close anymore. We haven't kept up much since college." Stanton stated that he had never met Peterson's grandmother and didn't even know she was sick, but quickly added: "To be clear: I wish she hadn't died. Although Dave said her pain was over now and she was in a better place, so maybe it's a good thing she died? I'm so confused."

At press time, Stanton said he was leaning toward liking the status but planned to wait until later in the day and see how many other people liked it before making a final decision. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Hamilton's Unfamiliar Quotations

By James J. Hamilton
Barlett's Familiar Quotations is a classic reference work that is the longest-lived and most widely distributed collection of quotations. Not wanting to be outdone by John "Look How Many Quotes I Compiled" Barlett, I've started my own collection of lesser-known quotations that are destined to become part of our cultural identity:

"Let them jump out of cake." - Marie Antoinette on French revolutionary exotic dancers

"Time flies when you're halving fun." - Buzzkills

"Veni, vici." - Blind Julius Caesar

"If you can't handle me at my worst of times, you don't deserve me at my best of times." - Charles Dickens's online dating profile

"Never a bridesmaid, always the bride." - Elizabeth Taylor

"I'm taking my talents to South Beach." - Cuban refugee fleeing Castro's oppression on a raft to Florida

"I'm taking my talents back to a gross Lake Erie beach." - LeBron James on returning to the Cavaliers

"Punt, pass, and kick? More like cunt, ass, and dick." - Vile twelve year old who sucks at punting, passing, and kicking

"Most people who are against gay rights don't even know any actual gay people." - Gun control advocate who's never held a gun

"Most people who want gun control have never even held a gun." - Gay marriage opponent who's never met a gay person
"Show me the Monet!" - Jerry Maguire to art museum tour guide

"It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." - Date rapists

"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is white, and so are you." - KKK Valentine's Day Card

"Columbine was fucking awesome!" - Columbine High School class of 2014 referencing the fun, fulfilling experiences they had in high school

"It's Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, not Louis XVI and Mario Antoinette." - French homophobes (1770-1793)

"It's Napoleon and Josephine, not Napoleon and Joseph." - French homophobes (1796-1810)
"Put the lotion in the fucking basket!" - Impatient Bath & Body Works manager training a new employee on how to restock the products

"Do you BELIEVE in love after life?" - Necrophiliac remix of that Cher song

"I'm not a hipster." - Hipsters

"Ax not what your country can do for you, ax what you can for your country." - White trash JFK

"Mace Windu? More like Toby-Wan Kenobi." - White supremacist upset that a black Jedi has such a prominent role on the Jedi Council

"What recession?" - Strippers
"Polls are for strippers." - Sarah Palin, just before making it rain on confused Gallup employees

"When will I be ready for that jelly?" - Beyonce's kid, sick of eating peanut butter sandwiches

"Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be fellated" - Blowey Ramone

"When is the winter of our discontent? Now? Really? Like, right now? Shit." - Richard III realizing he's late

"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." - plot of the world's most disappointing porno

"She said yes and!" - improv engagement announcement

"In all honesty, I only did about half of it for the nookie." - bombshell from Fred Durst's memoirs
"Alrighty then alrighty then alrighty then." - Matthew McConaughey as Ace Ventura

"That's what I love about Dorian Grey, man. I get older, he stays the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused in an Oscar Wilde novel

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get younger, they stay the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Benjamin Button

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. They stay the same age because time is a flat circle." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Matthew McConaughey from True Detective

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Movie Filming Outside Local Man's Apartment Presents Opportunity To See How Movies Are Made And To Shoot Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Local landscaper and part-time Uber driver Stephen Gilchrist reported feelings of excitement yesterday as a new big-budget action movie filming outside his apartment building presented him with the unique opportunity to observe how movies are really made and, if he felt like it, to shoot actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson with the Remington pump-action 30-06 hunting rifle he keeps in his closet. 

"I never thought I would get to see how a real Hollywood movie set worked, much less hold The Rock's life in the palm of my hand like a candle I could blow out at any moment," Gilchrist said. "It was awesome. When I opened my window, I heard the director yell 'cut,' saw the actors hanging out on the set between takes, and realized that I could easily put a bullet in The Rock's head from here if I wanted." 

"I would never actually do that," he added. "That's messed up. I love The Rock. I'm just saying I could."

Gilchrist said he didn't know what the movie was about but that he would definitely go see it when it comes out. "It'll be so cool to go to the movies and see the place where I live," he said. "I saw some places I know in Pittsburgh in The Dark Knight Rises and Jack Reacher, but I bet it'll be even cooler to see my own apartment building up on the big screen. I'll be the only person in the theater to know that those same frames of film stock that captured the take that ended up being used in the movie could’ve been the very frames to hold the images of The Rock’s skull exploding, had I chosen that path for him."

Gilchrist also observed Dwayne Johnson's co-star Nicole Kidman on the set, which reportedly led to one of the most satisfying masturbation sessions of his life. "I've masturbated to Nicole Kidman before," he said. "She was naked in Eyes Wide Shut. Very hot. But this was different. Somehow it was so much hotter knowing I literally had the power to murder her at the time and that she was only still alive because I allowed it." 

Monday, December 1, 2014

How to Spontaneously Crowdsource a Fake Fred Durst Memoir

By James J. Hamilton, Ben Kenny, and Zach Funk


Follow Ben Kenny (@benkennysays) and Zach Funk (@FunkedPOV) on Twitter. You never know when a Kid Rock memoir might pop up out of nowhere.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

A One-Act Erotic Play Adapted from Zooey Deschanel's iPhone Commercial

By James J. Hamilton

This will make more sense if you watch the original 30 second commercial first

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ZOOEY, a famous actress
SIRI, a robot that lives in Zooey's phone
JAMES, a tomato soup delivery boy

Setting: Zooey's House

SCENE ONE

ZOOEY
Is that rain?

SIRI
Yes, it appears to be raining.

ZOOEY
Oh.

Zooey looks out the window, contemplating the unfathomable loneliness of her existence.

ZOOEY
Let's get tomato soup delivered.

SIRI
I found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver.

ZOOEY
Good, 'cause I don't want to put on real shoes.

Zooey notices that her house, like her life, is a total mess.

ZOOEY
Remind me to clean up... tomorrow.

SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.

ZOOEY
Excellent. Today, we're dancing. Play "Shake, Rattle & Roll."

Siri plays "Shake, Rattle & Roll."  Zooey dances.


SCENE TWO

The doorbell rings.  Zooey answers it.  James is standing in the rain with tomato soup.

JAMES
Tomato soup delivery.

ZOOEY
Come inside, it's pouring out there.

JAMES
Okay.

James steps inside the door and hands Zooey the tomato soup.

ZOOEY
Oh my, you're soaking wet! You should probably take off those clothes.

JAMES
What?

An awkward silence.

ZOOEY
Wanna bang?

JAMES
Okay.

They bang.  He finishes on her back.

ZOOEY
(to Siri) Is that rain?

SIRI
No, it appears to be semen.

ZOOEY  
Oh. Remind me to order tomato soup again tomorrow.

SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.

FINIS




BONUS CONTENT

Two pieces of unrelated, non-sexual humor I made from the same commercial (obviously I was very taken with this commercial):

Siri is not as good as advertised.
"Make your own goddamn tomato soup." - Old timey phone

Monday, November 24, 2014

Super Fool IV Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My recap of the fourth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Super Fool IV Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My preview of the fourth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

By James J. Hamilton

I was at an open mic last night (October 30th) and some people were dressed up in Halloween costumes. I haven't dressed up in years, and when I did it was always just a lazy-ass "Hamlet" costume (it involves wearing all black like I usually do anyway and carrying around a plastic skull). A comic talked about the Halloween tradition of pranking people, of toilet-papering houses and shit. I've never done anything like that, unless you count that one time I destroyed a neighbor's pumpkins with a medieval ball and chain because they had been left out for weeks after Halloween and I was sick of looking at them. So I thought, I should prank somebody on Halloween tomorrow. I should TP a house or something, just for the fuck of it. I just turned thirty, but that doesn't mean I have to be dead inside all the time. I can still cut loose and have fun, right?

But then I thought, it wouldn't be very fun to TP some random person's house. I don't know anybody who lives in my neighborhood. I'm not just going to fuck with somebody for no reason. That wouldn't be fun for me. I need an enemy. I wish I had an enemy I could take revenge on. But I thought, there's no way I'm going to make an enemy in the next 24 hours, so forget about it.

I was wrong. When I got home from the open mic at about 11:45 p.m., some asshole was parked in my spot. I live in an apartment building where everyone has their own assigned spot. The spots are numbered with your apartment number and no one else is allowed to park there. I've had people park in my spot several times and I get really pissed when it happens. I get so pissed that I've adopted a policy regarding people parking in my spot: If I get home at night and there's someone in my spot, I'll go ahead and park on the street. But if the car is still in my spot when I wake up in the morning, I will key that car. I've never had to execute this policy yet because no one has stayed in my spot until morning, but I swear to Jesus H.W. Christ I will do it.

So when I see this asshole in my spot, I get pissed and I'm thinking, okay motherfucker, you better hope you're not still there when I get up because I will fucking key your ratty-ass Mitsubishi Lancer into oblivion. I went ahead and parked on the street like some kind of goddamn animal, but I'm so mad I'm actually hoping they're still there in the morning because I really want to key this car. I want to prove to myself that I'm serious about my car-keying policy. I took the long way around the building so I could stand next to the car and stew in rage. I was so serious that I left a note for myself to read in the morning:
So I'm all geared up to key this car in the morning when I see the clock says 11:50. It's about to be Halloween in ten minutes, and I remembered what I was thinking earlier about wanting an enemy to prank. This is it. The gods of Halloween (Satan?) have granted my wish. Now is my chance. 

When the clock strikes midnight, I'm going to egg this car.

Don't fuck with me on Halloween. I'm an adult. I'm on a low-carb diet. I have a shitload of eggs.

So I egged the car, 100% sober, by myself. I'm thirty years old and not only did I egg the shit out of this car, I set up a Sony Handycam on a tripod and filmed myself egging the shit out of this car.


Happy Halloween. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Heckler Gets The Royal Treatment

By James J. Hamilton
Last night I was talking about Kate Middleton's vagina onstage and referred to it as "a princess's vagina." An audience member interrupted and said I was incorrect to say that because Kate is a duchess, not a princess. I was well aware that she is a duchess but I wasn't prepared to discuss authoritatively whether she is also a princess and thus I couldn't dispute the audience member's criticism. After my performance, however, I researched the issue and have determined that my reference was in fact not incorrect. While there was controversy at the time of Kate's marriage as to whether she was a princess, spokesmen for the royal family have confirmed that Kate is entitled to use the rank of her husband and is therefore "Princess William of Wales." Though calling her "Princess Catherine" would be incorrect, referring to her generically as "the princess" is okay. In fact, her occupation was listed as "Princess of the United Kingdom" on her son's official birth certificate. With the royal family's stamp of approval, then, Kate's vagina may properly be termed "a princess's vagina." Therefore, my reference is, as Shakespeare might say, "well ratified by law and heraldry." Heckler, you've been served.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A Few Good Jokes

A play in one scene by James J. Hamilton


PROSECUTOR: James J. Hamilton, did you post a personalized rape joke contest on Facebook?

JUDGE: You don’t have to answer that question.

JJH: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I think I’m entitled.

JJH: You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I want the truth.

JJH: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we use a Facebook that has walls, and those walls have to be posted on by men with jokes. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, with your Buzzfeed links and Upworthy garbage? Reposting other people’s content without ever producing anything yourself? You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having to do what I do. Of not having to create comedy, of sitting back with your nose turned up and passing judgment on those who do something you cannot possibly fathom. You can’t make anyone laugh, so you become a killjoy for everyone who doesn’t have the same stick up their ass as you do. But my comedy, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on your wall, you need me on your wall. We use words like “rape,” “abortion,” “retard.” We use these words as part of an art form that makes it a little easier for some people to bear the unbearable things in life. You use them as a cudgel to beat straw men. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who’s already closed his mind against a joke before he’s even heard it. I would rather you just kept your mouth shut, and read The Family Circus. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pen and do it yourself. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: I did the job that—

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

[JJH handcuffed and taken to jail]

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Truth About Bigfoot

By James J. Hamilton
FACT: 

The Animal Planet show Finding Bigfoot is a conspiracy created by the Illuminati to make sure we DON’T find Bigfoot, and also to trick us into believing Bigfoots, Sasquatches, Yetis, and Abominable Snowmen are all the same thing, when in fact they are four different races that are AT WAR with each other.

OTHER FACTS:

Sasquatches are responsible for 9-11. 

Bigfoots invented LSD.

Abominable Snowmen sank the Titanic. Only 20% of the bodies of those who supposedly died were recovered, because the other 80% in fact did not die, but were kidnapped by Abominable Snowmen. Some were used in scientific experiments, but most were used to create a “Human Zoo” that still exists at the Abominable Snowman capital city in Antarctica.

In 1994, Yetis attacked Nancy Kerrigan and paid Tonya Harding one million Yeti dollars to take the fall for it.

STILL MORE FACTS:

In 2000, five hundred Sasquatches voted for George W. Bush in Broward County, Florida.

Bigfoots created global warming in an attempt to hurt the Abominable Snowman economy. Al Gore crusades against global warming because he is a pawn of Abominable Snowmen. He does whatever they tell him because they have threatened to expose the fact that he is an extraterrestrial being who crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

All of Miley Cyrus’s music is written by Yetis. Yetis also wrote her father’s hit song “Achy Breaky Heart.”
FALSE: Part of a smear campaign orchestrated by Abominable Snowmen
YET ANOTHER SET OF SHOCKING FACTS:

During the filming of the first season of the TV show Harry and the Hendersons, Kevin Peter Hall, the actor who played Harry, was murdered by a group of Sasquatches who felt his portrayal of the character was too realistic and suspected he had been contacted by a disgruntled Sasquatch who tipped him off on how they really act.  

In 1595, William Shakespeare got the idea for Romeo & Juliet from a Bigfoot who dosed him with LSD and told him the tragic story of a Bigfoot and Sasquatch who fell in love. Shakespeare thought the experience was a dream.

Abominable Snowmen hijacked Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. The people were used as new exhibits in the Abominable Snowmen’s Human Zoo and were considered exciting additions because all the other humans in the zoo had been born there (descended from Titanic passengers) and had never lived in the real world. 

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was leaked by Yetis. Yetis are the secret executive producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!