Tuesday, December 27, 2011

James J. Hamilton Celebrates Hanukkah With Eight Days Of Natalie Portman Pictures

By James J. Hamilton

To celebrate Hanukkah this year, I (a Gentile) used my Facebook page to run an eight day series of pictures of my favorite Jew (the lovely Natalie Portman) with characteristically hilarious captions added by me.  If you don't "like" my Facebook page, what the fuck is wrong with you? here's what you missed:

Day 1:  
I am officially jealous of a chimpanzee.

Day 2:
I want a mustache ride.

Day 3:
"Seriously, I would really want to grab Scarlett's breasts. She's got beautiful ones." - Natalie Portman, with whom I wholeheartedly agree

Day 4:
"You're welcome." - Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky


Day 5:
Hey Obama, I can think of one thing that might convince me to vote for you...

Day 6:
Her seatbelts are fastened and I'm in the full upright position.

Day 7:
If you thought Hillary Clinton was ugly before, wait until you see her standing next to Natalie Portman (PS it must be cold in there).

Day 8:
"Dreams are basically the farts of the mind." - Natalie Portman, Harvard psychology degree-holder and the girl of my mind-farts

Now I can claim there is a semi-legitimate reason for me having at least 8 of the 564 Natalie Portman pictures that are on my computer.

Happy Hanukkah!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

New Anti-bullying Legislation Sparks Controversy at Local High School

By James J. Hamilton

WEST PARK, PA—The Pennsylvania Stop Bullying Act, passed by the state legislature last month, is quickly becoming controversial as local West Park High School begins to apply the new law.  Though the law was intended to provide a clear mandate for schools to deal with harassment, critics have argued that it forces schools to conduct lengthy investigations and impose strict disciplinary measures for incidents that are not serious.  Others see it as an attempt to legislate against normal social interaction among teenagers.  PTA member Janice Price said “The school shouldn’t be turning kids into whiny pussies who can’t stand up for themselves.  That’s the parents’ job.”

Earlier this month, senior Tim Miller became the first West Park student to be disciplined under the new law when he got caught passing a note that said “Sally Wilson gives good hand jobs.”  Miller was suspended for two days as a result of the incident.  He spoke out against the punishment, arguing that he should not have been disciplined at all because “it was intended as a compliment.”  When asked about the source of his information, Miller said “I know from experience, dude.  Well, not me personally, but a guy I know…”  Our fact-checking department has confirmed that Miller was referencing a famous line from the film Billy Madison, but has thus far been unable to corroborate the note’s allegations.

Some have expressed concern that teachers are spending too much time filling out paperwork to comply with the new law and don’t have time to do their jobs.  One student, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that “Mr. Cooper hasn’t finished grading last week’s calculus test yet because he had to spend three hours filling out a report about how Jeff Adams said he needed to use the quadratic equation to calculate how many guys Sally Wilson has given hand jobs to.”  When asked to comment, teacher David Cooper said “Mathematically, it doesn’t even make sense.”

Critics of the new law are blasting state Senator Eileen Dickson, who drafted the legislation and pushed its passage.  At a press conference yesterday, Senator Dickson defended the law, saying “My colleagues across the aisle apparently want to see more kids slashing their wrists and putting guns in their mouths to end the emotional pain caused by bullies repeatedly calling them jizz-guzzling cocksmokers with impunity.”  Senator Dickson is currently co-sponsoring a bill that would make giving someone a wedgie a summary criminal offense (or a second degree misdemeanor if atomic).

Opponents of Senator Dickson’s efforts have speculated that her enthusiasm for the cause may be the result of having been bullied herself.  Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis noted that the name “Eileen Dickson” is ripe for parody.  “Plus, she looks like a ferret,” he added.

Even the students at West Park High School are criticizing Senator Dickson.  A custodian reported finding the phrase “Senator Dickson smells farts” carved into one of the tables in the library.  The custodian expressed disapproval of the carving but said it was nice that the students were showing an interest in politics.

Local bully Eddie Stevens said he would not let the new law get in the way of his normal bullying activities.  Describing the legislation as “retarded,” Stevens said he took its recent passage as a challenge to bully even more students.  “I was going to let Brian Robertson off the hook for his gay new Justin Bieber haircut, but I unloaded on him because I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to be intimidated by the gay government.”      

Stevens was also critical of Senator Dickson, describing her as “a giant slut whose mom probably had sex with a ferret” and claiming “I made my dad agree never to vote for her again by threatening to quit the baseball team.”  Stevens even had a message for the Senator: “I want Senator Dickson to know that I’m going to give Bobby Jenkins an extra swirly today just because she’s a bitch.  And also because Bobby Jenkins is a fag.”

UPDATE: Senator Dickson’s staff has reported the occurrence of an “upperdecker” at the Senator’s Harrisburg office.  Capitol police have confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis is a suspect.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Roast of the Presidents

Check out this live stand-up recording of James J. Hamilton roasting the Presidents of the United States.

By the way, this video is NSFWIYWITJQAA (Not safe for work if you work in the John Quincy Adams administration).

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Is Kim Kardashian a Sign of the Apocalypse?

By James J. Hamilton

TMZ has reported that Kim Kardashian and her fiancĂ© are looking for Bible passages to have engraved on their wedding bands.  I've decided to help them out.  After careful study, I have found the perfect Bible passage for Kim Kardashian’s wedding band:

Come hither; I will show unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters,

With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.

(Revelation 17:1-2)

How appropriate.  I think the priest should also read that during the ceremony.

But enough fun and games.  I originally considered this a joke, but after further analyzing the Bible passage in question, I have come to the frightening conclusion that Kim Kardashian is actually the Whore of Babylon foretold in the Book of Revelation.  

Let me show you how I got there:

  • “I will show unto thee…”  We are constantly shown her whoredom because everything she does is on TV.

  • “…that sitteth upon many waters.”  Clearly a big ass reference.

  • “With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication…”  A bunch of famous people have fucked her.

  • “…and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.”  The public at large has become intoxicated and obsessed by her and her whoredom.

Wow.  That fits together a little too perfectly.  This is scary.

Still not convinced?  Check this shit out:

“And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour,
and decked with gold and precious stones...” 
(Revelation  17:4)

“And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints...”
(Revelation 17:6)
“And she shall be utterly burned with fire:
for strong is the Lord God who judgeth her.”

(Revelation 18:8)

 Somebody call Jack Van Impe. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Star Wars Quotes In Other Contexts

By James J. Hamilton

"I thought they smelled bad on the outside." - Surgeon operating on a homeless guy

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." - Jesus Christ to Pontius Pilate

"Size matters not." - Guys with small penises

"I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."

"Never tell me the odds!" - Guy who always buys a ton of lottery tickets refusing to admit it's a waste of money

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." - Your priest guilt-tripping you into coming to church more often

"Luke's just not a farmer, Owen." - Someone explaining to a disappointed Owen Wilson that his brother Luke Wilson is never going to play FarmVille with him
"You rebel scum."

"Where are you taking this... thing?"  - Movie studio security guard to Sarah Jessica Parker's chauffeur

"We had a slight weapons malfunction." - Kid explaining to his mom why his brother has a BB embedded in his butt cheek.

"It's a trap!" - Out-of-position linebacker realizing that an apparent running play is in fact a play action pass

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner." - Group of friends vowing to take their New Year's resolutions seriously this time

"The circle is now complete." - Kindergartener doing his shape-drawing homework

"You came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?"  "He's the brains, sweetheart!" - Someone asking George W. Bush about the Iraq war and Bush responding by pointing to Dick Cheney  
"This station is now the ultimate power in the universe."

"There'll be no escape for the Princess this time." - The Pont de l'Alma Tunnel in Paris on August 31, 1997

"You have failed me for the last time." - Comedian deciding he will no longer tell that joke that never gets a good laugh

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy." - Princess Leia ordering me to anally penetrate her (from an awesome dream I had)

"He's more machine now than man.  Twisted and evil."

"I have a bad feeling about this." - Someone hearing that George Lucas is planning to make the Special Edition

"I have a very bad feeling about this." - Someone hearing that George Lucas is planning to make the prequel trilogy

"Impressive... Most impressive." - You reading this blog

Check out James J. Hamilton's "Star Wars Saga Told Via Twitter Updates"

Monday, May 9, 2011

Hidden History: What Your High School History Teacher Didn't Want You To Know (Part Two)

Mary Todd Lincoln:
Historic bitch
By James J. Hamilton

Abraham Lincoln was not assassinated.  He faked his death and moved to South America in order to avoid the mess of post-Civil War Reconstruction and get away from his nagging wife.  John Wilkes Booth, the talented actor Lincoln hired to help pull off the scheme, soon faked his own death and joined Lincoln in South America, where the two became drinking buddies and notorious playboys.

Mark Twain, often considered the most famous pen name in American literature, was not actually adopted as a pen name.  Before becoming a writer, young Samantha Clemens chose the name after she underwent the first—and bloodiest—sex change operation ever performed in the United States.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was not wheelchair-bound because he was crippled by polio.  He was simply a bit lazy and didn’t want to get up.

The Allies did not win World War II.  In 1943, the United States concluded that it could not defeat Germany and reached a peace agreement with Hitler.  Most Americans do not realize it, but the Nazi party still rules Europe under the leadership of Adolph’s grandson, Rufus Hitler.

Harry Truman:
Below average tennis player
The famous Chicago Tribune newspaper headline “Dewey Defeats Truman” was not an incorrect report about the result of the 1948 presidential race.  It did not refer to the election at all, but to a tennis match the two candidates had played the previous day in which Dewey beat Truman 7-6, 6-4, 6-2.

John F. Kennedy did not sleep with Marilyn Monroe.  He had planned to, but changed his mind when he found out that she had been born a man.  His brother, Robert F. Kennedy, didn't let that stop him.

North Dakota is no longer part of the United States.  It seceded from the Union in 1993, but the story was not widely reported because nobody cares about North Dakota.  North Dakota became an independent nation known as the People’s Republic of North Dakota.  In 1995, North Dakotan President Bob Jenkins was overthrown by a military coup and North Dakota became a fascist dictatorship.  Throughout the late 1990s, the North Dakotan government perpetrated a genocide in which all people with an IQ over 100 were rounded up and killed.  Nearly a dozen died.  In 2000, North Dakotan troops attempted to invade Canada, but were repulsed when an elderly Canadian man living near the border fired a shotgun at them.

Al Gore:
Destroyer of Worlds
Al Gore is not a human being.  He is an alien from a planet on the other side of the galaxy who came to Earth when his spaceship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.  His extraterrestrial origin explains the incredible knowledge and intelligence which enabled him to create the Internet.  He ran for president in 2000 but lost to George W. Bush following a controversy that ended when the U.S. Supreme Court decided Bush v. Gore.  Despite what the Court’s published opinion says, the case was not decided under the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.  After classified evidence of Gore’s extraterrestrial origin was admitted, the Court decided the case under the fifth clause of Article II, which states that a person must be a natural born citizen of the United States to be eligible for the presidency.  It is believed that Gore then used alien technology to alter Earth’s climate in an attempt to regain power as a spokesman against global warming.

Read Part One

Monday, April 25, 2011

Hidden History: What Your High School History Teacher Didn't Want You To Know (Part One)

By James J. Hamilton
Socrates:  "The sober
life is not worth living"

The Greek philosopher Socrates did not kill himself by drinking hemlock after being condemned to death by the Athenian assembly.  Actually, he was acquitted of the charges against him and died of alcohol poisoning during a party held to celebrate his acquittal.

When Martin Luther split from the Catholic Church and started the Protestant Reformation, his primary grievance was the pervasive corruption he believed was going on during his church’s weekly bingo night.  Also, contrary to popular belief, Luther did not suffer from debilitating constipation.  In fact, he was known to soil himself regularly.

Queen Elizabeth I of England was a man.

Elizabeth I and "her"
well-hidden Adam's apple

William Shakespeare did not write the plays attributed to him.  While many have questioned the authorship of the plays, none have hit anywhere near the truth.  The fact is that Shakespeare’s plays were written by John Grisham in the 1980s.  The whole “history” about the plays being the work of a legendary Renaissance playwright was simply made up to increase sales.

Thomas Jefferson was drunk when he wrote the Declaration of Independence.

The colonists did not win the American Revolutionary War.  Their victory was an elaborate hoax invented by the King of England to trick the colonists into believing they governed themselves.  To this day, the British monarchy secretly controls the United States and still collects Stamp Act revenues from all Americans, although the tax has been renamed “FICA.”
George Washington:
American badass

George Washington was not the first president of the United States.  Actually, he was the third president.  The first two have been erased from history.  The first president was John Smithington, a Virginian who served three weeks as president before being impeached and removed from office when it was discovered that he had attempted to sell the United States to the King of Spain for $2,000.  The second president was Edmund Shrevelprunt from South Carolina, who, after serving two weeks in office, was assassinated during a lavish ceremony in which he married three of his first cousins and declared himself King of America.
 The term “jaywalking” was coined in reference to John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.  Jay was notorious for his habit of crossing the street without looking to see if anything was coming.  He eventually died after being trampled and crushed by a horse-drawn carriage, and jaywalking was made a minor criminal offense.

Napoleon Bonaparte was not short.  He was actually well over six feet tall.  The notion of his diminutive stature was a myth propagated by the crowned heads of Europe, who were attempting to lessen the memory of Napoleon’s martial prowess as part of an effort to discredit meritocracy and protect hereditary monarchy.

One of the paintings churned out by
Madison's propaganda machine

The War of 1812 never happened.  In 1814, President James Madison fell asleep while smoking a cigar and the White House caught fire and burned.  To cover up for his mistake, Madison announced to the people that the United States had been at war with Britain for the past two years and that British troops had caused the fire.

Read Part Two

Monday, March 7, 2011

Hidden History: How The Pillow Got Its Name

By James J. Hamilton

The pillow.  You lay your head down on one every night when you go to sleep, but do you know how it got its name?  Actually, the pillow was not known by that name until 1847.  Prior to that date, it was known in English as the “feathersack.”  How the feathersack came to be called the pillow is one of the most fascinating untold stories in American history.

Gideon J. Pillow
In 1846, a dispute over the Texas border erupted into war between the United States and Mexico.  One of the most remarkable events of that war involved Gideon J. Pillow, a brigadier general in the United States Army.  Born in Tennessee, Pillow practiced law and served in the state militia before joining the Army at the war's outbreak.  Pillow commanded a division of troops in an army led by General Winfield Scott, which by September 1847 had won a series of engagements and penetrated to within miles of Mexico City.

Standing between the American forces and the Mexican capital was the fortress Chapultepec Castle, which was garrisoned by Mexican troops under General Nicolas Bravo.  On September 13, 1847, the Americans charged Chapultepec Castle in three columns, one of which was led by Brigadier General Pillow.  Initially impeded by the Mexican artillery, the Americans were aided by the arrival of ladders that helped them scale the walls.  While a brigade of troops under James Shields advanced on the fortress from the north, Pillow’s division gained momentum and advanced from south.  Caught between two fronts, the main part of the Mexican army under General Bravo began to retreat to Mexico City, but a small group of soldiers under Lieutenant Juan de la Barrera refused to leave its post and continued to defend the fortress. 
The Battle of Chapultepec
Though in a hopeless position, Barrera refused to raise the white flag.  Instead, he sent a message to the American lines boldly stating that he would surrender his forces only if an American officer could defeat him in single combat.  Eager to avoid the casualties that would result from a prolonged siege of the fortress, Pillow immediately sent word to Barrera that he accepted the challenge.  The two officers met outside the fortress, and Barrera invited Pillow to choose the weapon they would use. 

In a surprise move that would reverberate throughout history, Pillow chose the feathersack.  Though dumbfounded by Pillow’s choice, Barrera acquiesced and ordered that two feathersacks be brought from inside the fortress.

Armed with their feathersacks, the two officers squared off as their men cheered them on.  Upon the signal of a pistol fired into the air, the duel began.  Pillow quickly gained the upper hand, wielding his feathersack with expert skill and overwhelming Barrera with a barrage of blows.  But Barrera soon struck back and connected with a vicious feathersack strike to Pillow’s jaw.  With Pillow momentarily stunned, Barrera twirled his feathersack above his head, winding up for a finishing blow.  When he swung, however, Pillow suddenly ducked.  With Barrera off balance, Pillow delivered a quick strike to the chest.  Barrera stumbled and fell to the ground, whereupon Pillow beat him continuously with the feathersack until he cried out in submission. 

Following Pillow’s heroic victory, Barrera and his men surrendered. The Americans subsequently released the captives, but only after Barrera had been tarred and feathered with the feathers from the very feathersacks that had been used in the duel.  After capturing the fortress at Chapultepec, the Americans would soon go on to take Mexico City and win the war. 

President James K. Polk
Thrilled with Pillow’s valiant efforts in the service of his country, President James K. Polk promoted him to major general and issued a proclamation declaring that the feathersack would henceforth be known as the “pillow.”  From that day forward, young children would forestall their bedtimes by joyfully reenacting the epic duel between Pillow and Barrera in games known as “pillow fights.”     

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

2011 Oscar Recap

By James J. Hamilton

For those of you who missed the Oscars on Sunday (and for those of you who blacked out pregaming the red carpet), here’s a recap: 

Determines dream vs. reality, not what
shitty Hanukkah present you're getting
Inception won awards for Cinematography, Visual Effects, Sound Mixing, and Sound Editing.  It also won for Best Performance By A Top In A Supporting Role, and has the distinction of being the first non-Jewish top to win in that category. 

Inception also edged out Shutter Island in the category of Best Picture In Which A Character Played By Leonardo DiCaprio Ends Up Living In A Fantasy World Rather Than Facing The Truth About His Dead Wife And His Children.  Spoiler alert:  If you haven’t seen those two movies, you shouldn’t have read that sentence.

The Social Network won for Adapted Screenplay, Editing, and Original Score.  The score’s composer, Trent Reznor, has the distinction of being the first Best Score Oscar winner to have previously written a song containing the lyrics “fist fuck.”  Suck on that, John Williams. 

Trent Reznor:
Wants to fuck you like an animal
Justin Timberlake’s performance in The Social Network won for Best Performance By A Former Member Of Nsync, which was a no-brainer because the other members of Nsync are either working at grocery stores or doing gay porn. 

Jesse Eisenberg didn’t win Best Actor, but his portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg won awards for Character Who Most Deserved An Atomic Wedgie and for Performance Most Likely To Cause Someone To Donate 100 Million Dollars To Charity To Rehabilitate His Image.

True Grit won for Most Likely To Cause Inappropriate Thoughts About A Fourteen Year Old Girl.

Toy Story 3 won for Best Animated Feature, as well as Animated Feature Most Likely To Cause Grown Men To Bite Their Own Tongues Until They Bleed Trying Not To Cry In Front Of The Person They Came To The Movies With But Then Ending Up Crying Anyway.

Robert De Niro’s performance in Little Fockers won the award for You Should Seriously Just Retire From Movies Unless And Until Scorsese Wants To Work With You Again.

The Fighter took home some awards, including Mark Wahlberg’s win for Leading Actor Most Upstaged By His Supporting Cast.  He really deserved it.  Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor and Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress, as well as Best Fucking Acceptance Speech.  You probably didn’t even know they give out awards for acceptance speeches, but they do. 
"I'm the one who's fighting!  Not you, not you, and not you!
Although, to be fair, you are the ones who are making this movie good."

They also give out awards to the best presenters.  Kirk Douglas won the award for Presenter I Was Shocked To Learn Is Still Alive.  Mila Kunis won for Presenter Who Gave Me A Boner. 

Fuck yeah
And while Mila wasn’t nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her performance in Black Swan, she did receive an honorary award for Outstanding Achievement In Going Down On Natalie Portman.  She certainly earned it.  They had me watching that movie Pee Wee Herman style in the theater. 

Oh man, how I would’ve liked to have been the director filming that lesbian sex scene.  It would’ve been awesome:  “Okay, ladies.  I know this is awkward for you.  And the first 45 takes were good, but I feel like we’re not quite there yet.  Let’s do this a couple dozen more times, okay?  Alright now, Mila, this time I want you to spit on her asshole, give that a try, and... Natalie, why are you crying?  Just trust me.  You’re going to win a fucking Oscar for this.”  Which she did.  And the film of course won the award for Best Girl On Girl Action. 

Darren Aronofsky to the world:
"You're welcome"
Annette Benning and Julianne Moore from The Kids Are Alright won the award for Girl On Girl Action That Might Have Been Okay Twenty Years Ago But Now Is Just Gross, while Black Swan won for Girl On Girl Action That Would Have Been Illegal And Wildly Inappropriate Twenty Years Ago But Now Is Just Fucking Awesome.  Although judging by his pedophile mustache, Black Swan’s director Darren Aronofsky wouldn’t have had a problem with it. 

I for one think it’s pretty great that the Academy is now dedicating multiple awards to girl on girl action.  That’s really why we go to the movies nowadays, isn’t it?

The King’s Speech won Best Original Screenplay, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Picture.  It also won the award for Least Conducive To Ridicule, because I couldn’t think of any jokes about it.

Finally, the hosts of the show:  How did Anne Hathaway and James Franco stack up against the other hosts in the show’s history?  I don’t know, but they certainly moved to the top of my list as the pair of hosts I would most like to see make a sex tape together.  They edged out my previous favorites, last year’s hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.  Their sex tape would’ve been hilarious:  A pornography of errors.

Until next year…

James J. Hamilton's Inaugural Blog Post

And now the moment you've all been waiting for:  James J. Hamilton has a blog!

Creatively titled "James J. Hamilton's Blog," this blog will serve as an outlet for James J. Hamilton's sick and twisted thoughts and will be a mouthpiece for his 2020 presidential campaign as well as his ongoing campaign to criminalize the common cold.

To keep up with all James J. Hamilton-related occurrences, follow this blog, like "James J. Hamilton" and "Pittsburgh Comedy" on Facebook, and follow @jamesjhamilton and @pghcomedy on Twitter!