Monday, November 23, 2015

Super Fool V Recap

PITTSBURGH—With intermittent flurries and temperatures in the 30s, Super Fool V, the fifth annual Pittsburgh comedians' football game, was the coldest ever. "This is not fucking worth it," said Collin Chamberlin, "I should be at home." Holly Price said she couldn't feel her hands, but Sean Collier said "The rest of us are dealing with the cold by being fat."

The comedians came prepared with water, Gatorade, a case of beer, and a box of wine. They were also decked out in their finest athletic gear. Brandon Schell appropriately wore a Matt Jones Jaguars jersey (a white wide receiver with multiple drug arrests). Mike Sasson wore sweatpants with cargo pockets, which Aaron Kleiber called "The Steel Valley white trash uniform. If you went to Co-Go's right now you'd see three guys in those sweatpants buying tea."
The night before the game
The pregame injury report indicated that several players were suffering from hangovers, including T-Robe, who was hanging out with Terrelle Pryor on the South Side (Pryor was ineligible for the game due to lack of comedy experience, but reportedly would've played in exchange for free tattoos). Brad Ryan said he had no feeling in his thumb as a result of a previous chainsaw accident. Aaron Kleiber wore three knee braces and said his shoulder was sore because he fell asleep on his arm Friday night while watching Jessica Jones on Netflix.

Zawodni & Sons, the two-time defending champions, would be going for a three-peat. The rosters:

STDs
Brad Ryan (Captain)
Ed Bailey
Mike Sasson
Aaron Kleiber
T-Robe
Ryan Garasich
Sean Collier
Harry Gilliland
Amanda Averell
Matt Wohlfarth
Dustin Dowling (traded from Zawodni & Sons in the first quarter due to injury on STDs)

ZAWODNI & SONS
Ray Zawodni (Captain)
Matt Light
Jeff Konkle
Day Bracey
Derrick Knopsnyder
Collin Chamberlin
Will Ness
PJ Williams
Holly Price
Brandon Schell
Aaron Kleiber smoking a cig before the game while wearing
a badass jacket he got on sale for only $12 (90% off) #GrownDadBusiness
FIRST HALF

Super Fool V got off to an unfortunate start. On the second play of the game, STDs' captain Brad Ryan suffered a dislocated shoulder when he hit the ground lunging for an underthrown Aaron Kleiber pass while being closely defended by Matt Light. Ryan left the game and called his girlfriend to take him to the hospital, where he spent four hours in the emergency room. Sources say he took his bag of wine with him. After his second serious injury in three Super Fool appearances, Ryan said he would never play football again. Sean Collier said Ryan "is made out of dried twigs like a scarecrow." Derrick Knopsnyder said Ryan "just fell down. Old people do that."

Forced to continue without their fearless leader, the STDs marched down the field until Matt Light intercepted Aaron Kleiber's pass at the goal line and took it all the way for a touchdown. The STDs struck back quickly though, with Kleiber hitting Mike Sasson with a long bomb for a score on the first play of the next drive. A frustrated Matt Light broke his inhaler on the sideline and had to go to his backup inhaler.
After forcing Zawodni & Sons to turn the ball over on downs, the STDs retook possession. However, quarterback Aaron Kleiber wasn't aware of the change in possession and did not sub back in, and T-Robe took over for the only play of the game in which Kleiber was not the STDs' quarterback. Unfortunately, T-Robe's pass intended for Collier was picked off by Jeff Konkle and returned for a touchdown.

Defensive stops forced a turnover on downs on each team's next drive and Dustin Dowling switched teams from Zawodni & Sons to the STDs because Brad Ryan's team was shorthanded due to his injury. After Harry Gilliland converted on fourth down for the STDs by deftly keeping his toes in bounds while making a first down catch, Kleiber connected with Sasson for another touchdown, evening the score at 2-2.
On Zawodni & Sons' next drive, quarterback Ray Zawodni spread the ball around before hooking up with Day Bracey for a touchdown. The STDs responded with a touchdown pass from Kleiber to Ed Bailey. The teams were permitted to rush the quarterback after counting 5 Mississippi, but were not doing so. Kleiber said if the other team was going to give him unlimited time, he would simply wait for a receiver to get open rather than forcing a throw and risking an interception.

Zawodni & Sons got the ball back with time winding down in the first half. Jeff Konkle took over at quarterback and completed two passes to Derrick Knopsnyder and two to Will Ness. However, despite using all three of their timeouts, Zawodni & Sons was unable to get into the end zone before time ran out when Ryan Garasich stopped Knopsnyder short of the goalline.

Halftime Score
Zawodni & Sons 3
STDs 3
The game was taking its toll on those unaccustomed to prolonged physical activity. "My legs are like jello," said Matt Light. The comedians took advantage of halftime to rest, refuel, and feed their addictions. Sean Collier said "halftime is brought to you by American Spirit, the official cigarette of delusional open mics." Holly Price, who received an MVP vote because she brought a case of beer, was also handing out protein bars. "I'll take a fucking breakfast sandwich or something," said Ray Zawodni.

SECOND HALF
With the low-scoring first half ending in a tie, it was still anybody's game. Zawodni & Sons was able to score only once on offense in the first half, but made up for it with two defensive touchdowns coming on interceptions. While winning the turnover battle was critical, they would need to jumpstart their offense to have a chance to win.

They did just that on their first possession of the second half. When Zawodni completed a pass to last overall pick Brandon Schell near midfield, many STDs players stopped, thinking Ryan Garasich had got Schell's flag and the play was over. However, Schell's flags remained intact and he was able to make it into the end zone before anyone could stop him. "This is my moment! I want to be in the article!" said Schell. He told quarterback Zawodni "Thanks for having faith in me, bro." Zawodni responded "No problem, there's plenty more where that came from—just kidding, that's the last time you'll touch the ball."

After the STDs evened the score again with a touchdown pass from Kleiber to Dowling, Matt Light changed jerseys, hoping the switch would revitalize his team like in Mighty Ducks 2. It must've worked, because on the ensuing drive Light made the best play of the game. When Jeff Konkle threw a long pass to Light near the sideline, he reached up to make an acrobatic catch, managed to keep his balance and stay in bounds, then skirted past two defenders into the endzone. Watching from the sideline, Kleiber said "Holy fuck."

Even at this point in the game, players were still shaken by thoughts of Brad Ryan's injury. When Matt Wohlfarth went to the ground on a similar play, there was a second before he got up where another injury was feared. Konkle said "From now on, everyone over 40 has to say 'I'm fine' when they fall down."
After Kleiber threw a touchdown pass to Ed Bailey (Kleiber: "That touchdown is brought to you by Epicast") to make the score 5-5 (#GrownDadBusiness), the game reached its turning point. Zawodni & Sons struck back quickly with a touchdown pass from Konkle to Will Ness to regain the lead, and on the ensuing STDs drive, Zawodni & Sons defensive coordinator Matt Light changed his team's defensive strategy and began to pressure the opposing quarterback by counting 5 Mississippi then blitzing. Light's first blitz forced Kleiber to get rid of the ball and Ness came up with the interception and returned it for a touchdown. Collin Chamberlin mocked Kleiber by throwing a bag of chips at him. On the first play of the next drive, another Light blitz precipitated Kleiber getting intercepted by PJ Williams.

Though the STDs got the ball back when T-Robe intercepted Konkle, they were not able to capitalize on it. Under the pressure of Zawodni & Sons' blitzing defense, Kleiber threw a screen pass to T-Robe which ended in a safety when Zawodni brought him down behind the line of scrimmage (a safety resulted in a change of possession, but no points). Kleiber said his team was "falling apart."

Zawodni & Sons took advantage of the turnover, with Knopsnyder catching a touchdown pass from Konkle. It was noted that Konkle was living up to his status as a second round draft pick. Coincidentally, during the drive home after the game, an old clip of Konkle was played on DVE radio in which he joked about being terrible at sports growing up. Maybe Konkle just didn't hit puberty until he was 18, because he's pretty good now, only narrowly missing out on being named the game's MVP.

Zawodni & Sons soon regained possession again after forcing the STDs to turn the ball over on downs. Despite holding a comfortable 8-5 lead with time winding down, they attempted to keep a play alive with repeated laterals until the ball came loose near their own goal line. Under pressure from Harry Gilliland, Matt Light knocked the ball forward out of his own end zone and it went out of bounds. However, because the offense cannot advance a fumbled ball by knocking it forward, the play was ruled a safety and the STDs took possession.

Another Ed Bailey touchdown from Kleiber brought the STDs to within two scores, but on the first play of the ensuing Zawodni & Sons drive, PJ Williams threw a long touchdown pass to Zawodni, icing the game by making the score 9-6 with just seconds left. With a touchdown on his only pass attempt of the game, Williams turned in a perfect QB rating, tying the record set last year by Ron Renwick, who did the same thing on his only pass attempt. "I feel privileged to be in the company of Ron Renwick," said Williams and no one else ever.

With only enough time left for one play, the STDs attempted to keep the ball alive with laterals, but the game ended when Will Ness came up with the ball carrier's flag.

Final Score
Zawodni & Sons 9
STDs 6
When time expired, Matt Light popped open a bottle of $6 champagne and sprayed it everywhere while jubilantly screaming "Fuck her right in the pussy!" Having just secured his third consecutive Super Fool championship, captain Ray Zawodni said he expected to get the three-peat but complimented Brad Ryan on drafting a good team that put forth a good effort. Both teams played well and the game was neck and neck until the middle of the second half when Zawodni & Sons began to pull away.

The moment Zawodni & Sons secured victory was when Light started to blitz the quarterback. The first time he did so, Will Ness got an interception and scored what turned out to be the game-winning touchdown. Under such intense defensive pressure, the STDs were unable to find their footing and managed to score only one more time, after the game was essentially out of reach.
Captain of Three-peat Champions
STATISTICS




AWARDS

Awards are voted on by the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers Association.

Most Valuable Player
Winner - WILL NESS
A Super Fool rookie who was considered a potential sleeper at the draft, Will Ness exceeded even those high expectations and turned in an MVP performance. On offense, he had four receptions and scored a touchdown that gave Zawodni & Sons a lead they would not relinquish. But it was his dominant defensive performance that stood out most. Not only did he score the game-winning touchdown on an interception return, but he was all over the field, making important defensive stops throughout the game. He turned in a game-high 7 tackles and undoubtedly prevented multiple scores.

As a result of Ness's MVP performance, Matt Light offered him a spot on January's Lights Out show at the Improv (though Light added he would be required to bring 90 people).

Brad Ryan Spirit Award
Winner - BRAD RYAN
Named in honor of Brad Ryan due to the devastating injury he suffered in Super Fool I, the Brad Ryan Spirit Award is given to a player who left it all on the field. Brad Ryan won his own award last year for bravely coming out of retirement to play in Super Fool IV, and this year he wasted no time securing a second consecutive BRSA win by suffering yet another devastating injury on the second play of the game. Afterwards, he said he would never play football again and, for the love of God, let's hope he adheres to that. He needs to stick to less dangerous sports, like skydiving.

James J. Hamilton Award For Excellence In Journalism
Winner - JAMES J. HAMILTON
James J. Hamilton won a well-deserved second consecutive James J. Hamilton Award For Excellence In Journalism, obviously. Feel free to nominate him for a Pulitzer Prize.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Super Fool V Preview


PITTSBURGH—On Sunday, November 22nd, Pittsburgh comedians will gather at Steel Valley High School's Campbell Field to participate in Super Fool V, the fifth annual comedians' flag football game. Last night, captains Ray Zawodni and Brad Ryan drafted their teams at the Beerhive. Here's a preview of the matchup:
Draft results
ZAWODNI & SONS

Captain: Ray Zawodni
1. Matt Light
2. Jeff Konkle
3. Dustin Dowling
4. Day Bracey
5. Derrick Knopsnyder
6. Collin Chamberlin
7. Will Ness
8. PJ Williams
9. Holly Price
10. Brandon Schell

Ray Zawodni's Zawodni & Sons are two-time defending champions and will be going for an unprecedented three-peat on Sunday. Zawodni said his draft strategy was to focus on players with "character and heart" and guys who "if I was a woman, I'd have sex with." Luckily for his team, Zawodni's spank bank contains many talented football players.
Matt Light looks like Mike Sasson's Mini-Me in this photo
Looking to repeat last year's success, Zawodni repeated his last year's first overall pick and selected Matt Light, "son of famous alcoholic Fred Light" and reigning MVP. Light showed that he fits Zawodni's "character and heart" criteria by explaining that he intends to take "cheap shots" on Sunday. Light also discussed plans to gain energy by doing cocaine before the game, provided he could confirm whether playing on cocaine was likely to cause cardiac arrest.

Second round pick Jeff Konkle performed well in last year's game, and Zawodni suggested that Konkle has even more to play for this year because he now has a child to support. Konkle said he was glad to have put his time in at junior college so he has an education to fall back on if his football career doesn't pan out.

Early in the draft, Light said it looks like "we're an all white team." When Zawodni then selected Day Bracey, Light said "Day doesn't really change that." It remains to be seen what impact Day Bracey, an unknown talent, will have on the game. Many assume he'll be good just because he's black, but he was a high draft pick prior to Super Fool II and didn't show up to the game. The availability of Bracey and Derrick Knopsnyder (described as having a 50/50 likelihood of playing Sunday) could have a major effect on the game's outcome.

Sixth round pick Collin Chamberlin dismissed reports that he would eat a lot of Mighty Kids Meals before the game, mainly because the McDonald's by his house doesn't sell them anymore. Instead, Chamberlin said Zawodni made him sign a contract agreeing to eat healthy and that he planned to eat only a couple of handfuls of Chex Mix and drink some tea. Upon hearing reports that Zawodni intends to show up to the game drunk, Chamberlin said it was "extremely unsettling" that he was forced to sign a contract to stay healthy.
"Collin Chamberlin shouldn't be playin no sports. He crazy."
After drafting potential sleeper Will Ness in the seventh round, Zawodni appointed Matt Light as co-captain and delegated drafting responsibilities to Light so he could go downstairs and eat wings. Light proceeded to assert full control over the team and purported to change its name to "The Kliq." It remains to be seen whether Zawodni can lead his team or whether he is a figurehead manipulated by puppetmaster Matt Light in a nefarious plot to ensure Super Fool victory.

Whoever is leading Zawodni & Sons, the team may be considered the favorite to win on Sunday and achieve the coveted three-peat. Zawodni said his rival captain Brad Ryan "is lucky we're not playing tackle, because Brad has fragile wrists." Sources say Zawodni's own wrists are very strong due to his past career as a fluffer, and that he still exercises his right wrist several times a day, while wistfully recalling personal favorite memories from his fluffer days.

Mat Light is bringing two bottles of champagne to the game for the winning team's celebration. If things go his way, he and Zawodni could both be looking at another Super Fool title and another DUI.

STDs

Captain: Brad Ryan
1. Ed Bailey
2. Mike Sasson
3. Aaron Kleiber
4. Ron Renwick
5. T-Robe
6. Ryan Garasich
7. Alex Stypula
8. Zack Roach
9. Sean Collier
10. Harry Gilliland
11. Amanda Averell
A blurry photo of Brad Ryan (or possibly Bigfoot) at the draft
Brad Ryan's STDs are likely to flare up and inflict lots of pain this Sunday. Additionally, Brad's team is also named the STDs and they too are looking to have a big day on Sunday. 48-year-old Ryan, the self-described Joe Paterno of the comedy scene, said his draft strategy was to pick players who would be likely to punch him if they were on the opposing team. He also said he would've been his own first pick, implicitly indicating that he wants to punch himself.

Ryan's first pick was Ed Bailey, the top player on the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers Association's pre-draft power rankings. Bailey was the Super Fool III MVP and has consistently shown himself to be the most talented athlete on the field. His team needs him to have another big game if they're going to win.

Second round pick Mike Sasson said his team "has to go out and perform on Sunday. It's all about executing, overcoming adversity, maintaining composure, perseverance, conditioning, discipline, teamwork, electrolytes..." When asked if he had confidence in his team captain, Sasson said "In the history of all the captains I've played for, Brad Ryan will be one of them."

Quarterback Aaron Kleiber, the STDs' third round pick, is looking to erase the memory of last year's dismal five-interception performance and return to the form he showed in prior Super Fools. Matt Light suggested Ryan's selection of Kleiber would all but guarantee victory for Zawodni & Sons. Collin Chamberlin said he was happy to be playing against Kleiber because he wants to get the easiest interception possible, but quickly added that he loves performing on Comedy Sauce at the Pleasure Bar and it's always a great show. In the face of such criticism, Kleiber has some serious grown man business to do on Sunday. His performance could be the key to the entire game.
Ron Renwick proudly displays his signing bonus
Fourth round pick Ron Renwick was drafted far earlier than he should've been based on the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers Association's pre-draft power rankings, but he will have a chance to show his true value on Sunday. Upon joining the STDs, Renwick received a lucrative signing bonus from Ryan in the form of a free can of paint. Though he was initially questionable for the game, Renwick has since talked to his fiancĂ© and confirmed that he is indeed allowed to come out and play on Sunday. 

The STDs' roster has impressive depth, including players such as T-Robe and Ryan Garasich, who both excelled in last year's game, along with Alex Stypula, who is looking to recapture his Super Fool II glory. They could be good value players if you're planning to get in on the daily fantasy action on Draft Kings and Fan Duel, where tons of money is being put down on this game.

While Vegas odds slightly favor a repeat victory by the defending champions, Zawodni & Sons should take care not to get cocky or, like countless women on dating sites throughout the greater Pittsburgh area, they too could be unpleasantly surprised by Brad Ryan's STDs.

Super Fool V
Sunday, November 22, 2015
12:30 PM
Campbell Field, Steel Valley High School

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Millennials: Episode 1 (The Internet)

The Millennials is a sketch show created by Pittsburgh comedians. James is a writer and actor on the show. The theme of its premiere episode is "The Internet."

Thursday, July 23, 2015

5 Arrested In Math Lab Bust

By James J. Hamilton
LAUREL COUNTY—The Laurel County Sheriff made the following statement to reporters:

"Neighbors been complainin bout multiplication and long division goin on round that house awhile, but nothin really come of it. However when we got wind they was doin trigonometry and multivariable calculus up in there, we called the SWAT Team straightaway and put a stop to it. Can't have that type a thing goin on same neighborhood as our children play in. You wouldn't believe the stuff we pulled outta there. Compasses, protractors, reams upon reams of graphing paper, more calculators than a man could count. Posters of Einstein all over the place. Down the basement there was a box may or may not've had a dead cat in it. We're still fuzzy on that. Arrested five people. One of em had equations writ all across his bedroom wall. When we threw him in the squad car he kept hollerin something bout fractal dimensions. Anothern had done put the quadratic formula into a TI-83 graphing calculator. Thing didn't come preprogrammed with it, he just figured out how to do it and programmed it in there hisself, for no good goddamned reason I can deduce. That's the level of depravity we're dealin with."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Meet The 6 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With

By James J. Hamilton

1. David
Your mom had sex with David in 1999 when she and your dad were going through a rough patch. She was staying at the Marriott near the airport to get some space when this handsome, silver-haired stud offered to buy her a drink at the hotel bar. The rest is history. A Pepsi Bottling Group Sales Representative from Cincinnati, David was in the middle of a messy divorce at the time and the passionate night he shared with your mom was exactly what both of them needed. Since banging your mom, David has been promoted to Regional Sales Manager and has gone on to bang nearly a dozen other moms.

2. Steve
You may think it only happens in porno movies, but one steamy night back in August 2006 while your dad was out of town on business, your mom made the pizza delivery boy into a pizza delivery man. Your mom was sure your dad was cheating on her and thought, "That piece of shit I married is probably fucking a hooker in San Diego right now, so I might as well drink a box of wine and get some sausage delivered right to my door." Steve, who delivered pizza as a summer job during college, is now a software programmer with a wife and two kids. He reported that your mom's unexpected invitation to bang remains the single greatest experience of his life, far surpassing the birth of his children. 

3 & 4. Derek & Chad
In case you were wondering, yes, your mom has been with two guys at the same time and, no, she's not the least bit ashamed of it. You should honestly give your mom props for this one. You know she's still got the goods if, at her age, she can pull a couple of Grade A pieces of man-meat like Derek and Chad. Look, I'm not saying your mom got Eiffel-Towered or anything... Okay, maybe I am. No lie, your mom got legit Eiffel-Towered by these dudes and she still thinks about it at least once a day.

5. Powers Boothe
Your mom had an affair with Emmy-winning actor Powers Boothe from 2008 to 2014. Remember all those weekend casino trips she'd take with her girlfriends? Those were all just cover stories. In actuality, your mom was getting plowed by Cy Tolliver from Deadwood at various bed and breakfasts all over the eastern seaboard. Though they agreed to break it off last year so they could recommit to their respective spouses, both knew deep down that the last time wouldn't really be the last time. There's a strong chance that, if your parents finally end up getting that divorce, Powers Boothe could be your new dad. How cool would that be?

6. James J. Hamilton
Yep. I totally banged your mom, dude. Sorry not sorry. Your mom and I first met when I asked to interview her for an article I was working on (then titled "Meet The 5 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With") and we just kinda hit it off. We had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and all of a sudden I'm straight up porking your mom hardcore in the back of her Dodge Grand Caravan in the parking lot of Applebee's. I'm not going to come right out and say it was the best sex your mom ever had, but if you really want to know, just ask her. Since that first time, we've been meeting up a couple times a week to bone. Deal with it.   

Thursday, May 14, 2015

My Cousin Ricky Proved There Are Exactly 666 Typos In The 9/11 Commission Report... Then He Vanished Under Mysterious Circumstances

By James J. Hamilton
Wake up sheeple! We are not free! We are living under a totalitarian one-world government controlled by the Illuminati! 9/11 was an inside job!

My cousin Ricky proved it when he discovered that there are exactly 666 typos in the 9/11 Commission Report. 

666 is a sacred number for the Illuminati and the typos were put there deliberately to signal the truth about 9/11—that the attacks were planned by Illuminati members over cocktails at the Skull & Bones headquarters at Yale the day after the Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore was handed down. Having secured firm control over the highest levels of the United States government, the Illuminati's bigwigs got together and set in motion a plot to ignite an endless war that would enable them to take control of the Middle East's oil supply and increase surveillance over every aspect of our lives.

After the attacks, the 9/11 Commission Report was issued as the official version of what happened and, even though its "findings" are absurdly impossible lies, most people bought it hook, line, and sinker. 

Until now. Until my cousin Ricky uncovered the truth.

You may ask, "How can there possibly be 666 typos in the 9/11 Commission Report?" Good question. I asked Ricky the same thing when he first told me about it. The 9/11 Commission Report is an important government document that should've been proofread by a lot of people, right? There's no reason for there to be more than a couple typos in it—unless they were put there intentionally.
A close examination of the typos proves that not only were they intentional, but they contain encoded messages. To give just one example: The first three consecutive typos are "Nw York City" on page 6, "Wold Trade Center" on page 7, and "ordor" on page 11.  That's right. The first three misspelled words are New, World, and Order. Coincidence? I think not. 

You might say, "I'm looking at the 9/11 Commission Report right now and I'm not seeing any of these typos. What's the deal?" Well, your copy of the 9/11 Commission Report obviously isn't a First Edition. Before the 9/11 Commission Report was released to the public on July 22, 2004, a secret printing press at Skull & Bones printed 666 "First Edition" copies containing the symbolic typos. Those copies were distributed to high-ranking Illuminati members in a secret ceremony following a meeting of the Council on Foreign Relations. Ricky had a First Edition copy that he stole from the home of Neil Bush (George W. Bush's brother) in 2006 when he was there selling heroin to Neil Bush's daughter's boyfriend.

You may ask, "If Ricky had this First Edition since 2006, why haven't we heard about it until now?" That's easy. Ricky dropped out of school in fourth grade and didn't get his GED until late 2014. As soon as he learned to read, he went straight to work on the 9/11 Commission Report, toiling away on nights, weekends, and during his lunch break at Pep Boys to compile a definitive list of typos and decode their secret messages. Ricky dropped his bombshell on the world when he posted his findings on Facebook at 3:45 a.m. on March 25, 2015. 

And guess what? He hasn't been seen since. That's right. As soon as he went public with his information, he vanished without a trace. Coincidence? I think not.
Sure, Ricky's wife Tammy will tell you Ricky drove to Tampa to pick up a brick of heroin and never came back, but are you seriously going to believe a word Tammy says? 

First off, Tammy is a heroin addict who will do or say literally anything for heroin. At Ricky's bachelor party, she blew eight guys (including me) for one hit of heroin. With Ricky gone, where do you think Tammy is getting her heroin from? The answer is obvious: Every single day (except Sunday) at approximately 11:30 a.m., a federal agent comes to Tammy's house and puts heroin in her mailbox. Sheeple will tell you "That's just the mailman, you idiot," but sheeple are dumb enough to believe anything, up to and including the notion that human beings actually walked on the moon. C'mon, sheeple. Be better than that.

Clearly, Tammy has been bought off by the CIA (a subsidiary of the Illuminati) and is participating in a cover up. Don't believe me? Fine. Believe what you want, but last night I gave Tammy a hit of heroin and she admitted that she gets heroin from the federal government in the mail every day and that Ricky was abducted from their house by two CIA agents wearing Richard Nixon masks designed to hide their lizard faces. They broke in while Ricky and Tammy were shooting heroin (less than an hour after Ricky posted his findings on Facebook) and sucked up Ricky's body with a device disguised to look like a Dirt Devil Total Power Cyclonic Upright vacuum. The CIA Nixon lizards took Ricky's First Edition copy of the 9/11 Commission Report, gave Tammy a Burger King bag, then left in Ricky's truck. When Tammy opened the Burger King bag, she saw that it was full of heroin and contained a note written on a napkin that said "This never happened."    
Ricky's House: Site of CIA Abduction
Also, why would Ricky not come back from Tampa? It makes no sense. He hates hot weather. He hates the Tampa Bay Bucs. Everybody he sells heroin to is right here in our hometown. He loved it here. Ricky doesn't even know anybody in Tampa apart from Carlos, his Colombian cartel contact, and he doesn't even like the guy. He's always talking about how he doesn't trust Carlos, how he's afraid of him, how he's going to bring a gun when he meets Carlos even though he was specifically instructed to come unarmed. So you think he's just going to stay in Tampa without telling anybody and bunk up with his new best bud Carlos? Dump his perfectly good truck in a swamp and rely on Carlos for rides? Stop answering his phone and become a goddamn Bucs fan? Yeah right. That would never happen. Obviously it's the CIA Nixon lizard abduction thing. They put his truck in that swamp and arranged for it to be found by the cops, which was easy to pull off because the entire state of Florida is controlled by Jeb Bush. Classic CIA Nixon lizard tactics.

The simple fact is that Ricky is being held prisoner until he recants his findings. I'm not exactly sure where he's being held but realistically there are only three places he could be: Area 51, Fort Knox, or inside the Great Pyramid in Egypt. They won't let him go until he agrees to delete his Facebook post, swears allegiance to the Lizard Overlord of the Illuminati, and demonstrates his loyalty by donating $100 to Jeb Bush's presidential campaign. If I know Ricky like I think I do, he'll never submit to their demands and they'll end up killing him. The only way to stop that from happening is to spread the word by donating to my GoFundMe page Free Ricky/9-11 Truth/Moon Truth. You can either do something about this, or just go back to drinking the lizard cool-aid. The choice is yours.
WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Jeb Bush Changes Name To Jeb Smith

By James J. Hamilton
TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, former Florida Governor and possible frontrunner for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, announced today during a speech to the Florida Chamber of Commerce that he has filed paperwork legally changing his name to Jeb Smith.

"I think everyone would agree we've had too many Bushes and Clintons in the White House," said Smith. "The country needs something different."

"We've never had a President Smith," said Smith's campaign manager, David Kochel. "Look it up. You'd think we would have, because it's such a common name, but we haven't. It's time to change that."

Political analysts say Smith's name change could be a preemptive strike against Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton, who inside sources claim has contemplated changing her name to Jane Smith. "Now Hillary's going to have to pick something else," said Fox News analyst Charles Krauthammer, "like Jane Miller."

"If I was Hillary I'd go with Jane Jones," said Rachel Maddow of MSNBC. "The alliteration will play well with younger voters."

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Mailing List Administrator Sent "You Are Now Unsubscribed" Email Just To Fuck With You

By James J. Hamilton
PALO ALTO—Jeff Simmons, administrator of the www.interwebs.com mailing list, received your "unsubscribe" request this afternoon and promptly sent you a "You Are Now Unsubcribed" email just to fuck with you, Simmons told reporters.

"We both know you unsubscribed because you don't want to receive any more emails from us," Simmons said. "So what could be funnier than immediately sending you another one? Sure, when you clicked 'unsubcribe' it took you to the 'Unsubscribe Successful' screen, so you already knew it went through and a confirmation email was completely unnecessary. But that's what makes it so hilarious."

"You've probably been getting our emails for awhile," Simmons said. "Obviously you never signed up for this shit, but at first you just ignored it. After one too many emails, though, you realized that they weren't going to stop and that you must be on some kind of stupid mailing list. Well, that 'stupid mailing list' is my job, you goddamn piece of shit." 

"I'm fully aware that you're at the height of your annoyance when you finally decide to take time out of your day to unsubscribe," Simmons said. "That's why it's such a perfect moment for me to send my little 'fuck you' your way. Whatever little beep or ding you hear when you get a new email, that's the sound of me letting you know you can eat a dick. That's right. Eat a fucking dick, asshole."

Monday, May 4, 2015

13 Racial Slurs Ad-libbed By Scarlett Johansson That Didn't Make The Final Cut Of "Avengers: Age Of Ultron"

By James J. Hamilton
While audiences are raving about the non-stop action and exciting new characters jam-packed into Avengers: Age Of Ultron, which opened in the U.S. this past weekend and has already made an estimated $627 million worldwide, rabid fans are also talking about what's not in the film, including deleted scenes featuring Thor's villainous brother Loki, the absence of a post-credits scene, and a reported subplot exploring Black Widow's virulent racism.

"If you read the comics the way I do," said Scarlett Johansson in an exclusive interview, "it's clear that Black Widow is a horrible racist." Johansson (who plays the Russian assassin) reported that, while there was nothing about Black Widow's racism in the script, she felt compelled to improvise repeated references to the character's irrational hatred of blacks, Jews, Arabs, Latinos, and Asians. "Obviously racism is awful and I don't condone it, but it's an important aspect of the character that I felt should be acknowledged. Despite my incessant lobbying, however, [director] Joss [Whedon] didn't think it belonged in the film. Needless to say I was disappointed but I'm still proud of my work."

1. "Nigger"
"When Black Widow sees a successful, confident black man like James Rhodes [played by Don Cheadle]," Johansson said, "she feels so threatened that she just has to demean him. It's ugly, but it really shows how insecure she is in her own skin. I thought it was great, but Joss made me do the scene again without the slur. Maybe there was some issue with the movie keeping a PG-13 rating. To me, that's a cop-out. Life isn't PG-13."  

2. "Heeb"
"Thinking about Ultron's plans for world domination, the obvious analogy Black Widow is going to make in her own mind is with the Jews," Johansson said. "That's why I thought it was appropriate for her to call Ultron a 'conniving metallic Heeb,' but Joss disagreed." 

3. "Camel Jockey"
"Ultron is essentially a terrorist," Johansson said, "and I don't think Black Widow would be able to resist the urge to say something like 'camel fucker' to him. Ultimately I went with 'camel jockey' because it's PG-13, but even that was apparently too much and it got cut." 

4. "Wetback"
"I know it's a comic book movie," Johansson said, "but it should still try to be as realistic as possible, right? There is simply no way Black Widow could go almost two and a half hours without saying 'wetback.'"

5-13. "Zipperhead" (9 times)
"Dr. Helen Cho [played by Claudia Kim] is a beautiful Asian woman, and she's a brilliant scientist," Johansson said. "Black Widow sees her as a romantic rival because Black Widow has feelings for Dr. Bruce Banner, who is also a scientist, and deep down she's worried Dr. Cho might be a better match for him. Predictably, she reacts to her feelings of inadequacy by fixating on Dr. Cho's race and lashing out at her, over and over again. I honestly can't believe this didn't make it into the movie. Cutting 'nigger,' I understand, but this? This really should've been in there."

When asked to comment on Johansson's ad-libs, Whedon said: "I don't know what any of that was about. Maybe Scarlett was on some medication and had taken too much, or maybe she needs to be put on some medication."

Johansson said she hasn't given up on getting a fully-developed depiction of Black Widow on film: "There's always Avengers 3. Thanos will definitely push a lot of her racist buttons." 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Jury Spends Hours Deliberating Whether To Say "Not Guilty" First As A Joke Before Pronouncing Defendant Guilty

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A jury of twelve citizens empaneled to decide the fate of a local man charged with murder reportedly spent several hours deliberating whether to say "Not Guilty" first as a joke before pronouncing the defendant guilty.

"Some of us thought it would be hilarious to announce the verdict as 'Not Guilty' and watch everyone freak out, then act like we just misspoke and confirm that the real verdict is 'Guilty,'" said Juror No. 2.

"We only needed about five minutes of deliberations to unanimously agree that the defendant was guilty. It was obvious," said Juror No. 11. "But right as we were about to go back into the courtroom, Juror No. 6 mentioned something about how funny it would be to see everyone's reactions if we said 'Not Guilty.' Some of us laughed. Then Juror No. 7 said we should seriously do it."

"It would've been the greatest prank ever," said Juror No. 7. "The prosecutors had a slam dunk case and did a great job presenting the evidence. How funny would it be to tell them they lost and watch them shit their pants? And the defendant—this guy killed his wife in cold blood. Letting him think he got away with it for a second before pulling the rug out from under him would've been epic. There were news cameras in the courtroom—the YouTube video would've gotten like a billion hits. I still think we should've done it."

The jury was reportedly deadlocked for over four hours before the jurors in favor of the joke finally relented. "Though many of us believed it would be funny," said Juror No. 2, "we eventually yielded to those who thought it would be mean to the victim's family."

"Buzzkills," added Juror No. 7.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Super Bowl Scandal: Patriots Used Baseballs In Fourth Quarter

By James J. Hamilton
GLENDALE, AZ—The New England Patriots overcame a 10-point fourth quarter deficit to defeat the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX last night, but controversy is swirling amid allegations that the Patriots used baseballs in the fourth quarter. While NFL rules clearly require footballs, an unnamed source close to the Patriots organization claims that quarterback Tom Brady prefers baseballs, which are easier to grip and throw. Footage of the game-winning touchdown suggests that not only did Brady throw a baseball, but wide receiver Julian Edelman used a baseball glove to catch it. Brady and Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick both denied any involvement in or knowledge of the switch from footballs to baseballs. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the incident is under investigation.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Your Cute Baby Contest Is Bullshit

By James J. Hamilton
​Asking your Facebook friends to vote for your baby in a cute baby contest is bullshit. 

Cute baby contests shouldn't be decided by how many Facebook friends the moms have, but by how objectively cute the babies are. Cute baby contests have absolutely no integrity these days. It's disgusting.

When someone I know posts on Facebook asking me to vote for their baby in a cute baby contest, I actually scroll through all the available babies and vote for the one that's legitimately the cutest. 

I'm not going to vote for your baby just because I know you. 

Believe me, I wouldn't be doing your baby any favors by helping it win a cute baby contest it doesn't deserve to win. 

If you just hand your baby a bullshit cute baby contest victory and let it walk around thinking it's hot shit, your baby's going to grow up with an inflated ego and a huge sense of entitlement. It's not going to want to work for anything. Is that what you want? 

If your baby had more people like me in its life—not pulling any punches, keeping it real, giving your baby some straight talk about how it looks like shit—maybe your baby would lay off the Happy Meals and start hitting the gym once in awhile. Then maybe by the time the Miss Junior Teen America pageant rolls around, the kid will be rocking a hard body and will be able to win something on merit.

Some of these cute baby contests dangle big prizes in your face, like $25K for the baby's college fund. You don't need that shit. If you don't encourage your baby to think it'll be able to coast through life being handed things because of its looks, it'll work hard in school and get academic scholarships. And it'll also work hard in college because it'll appreciate what it took to get there. Eighteen years from now, you know all these kids going to college on their cute baby contest winnings are just going to flunk out freshman year. They're going to party the whole time, do tons of drugs, and bang anyone who calls them cute. Is that what you want?

I didn't vote for your baby because I don't want it to grow up to be a stupid, drug-addled whore. You're welcome.