By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
HOMESTEAD, PA—These were fish out of water. "It's weird. I've never seen any of you in the daytime. Or outside," said Amber Schiefer. Most of the "competitors" probably couldn't remember the last time they were awake before noon on a Sunday. It's safe to say nobody was skipping church for this one. "This is within 100 yards of a school. I shouldn't be here," said Aaron Reiber. There was no Gatorade on the sideline, but the game's unofficial sponsor—Colt 45—was flowing before the first snap. "We have beer on school property, so if the cops show up..." Several players smelled like weed. The football gods were weeping blood.
Anal Avengers (Captain John Pridmore, John Dick Winters, Alex Stypula, Shannon Norman, Drew Kennedy, Brandon Rickard, Zach Funk)
Zawodni & Sons (Captain Ray Zawodni, Mark Mammone, Isaac Kozell, Gordon Duchene, Vincent Didiano, Ed K. [last name redacted])
"I had two bites of a frosty for breakfast—let's play," said Shannon "The Kid" Norman. But the Anal Avengers weren't quite ready to compete. Within minutes of the opening snap, Ray Zawodni and Mark Mammone of Zawodni & Sons had returned interceptions for touchdowns. When Mammone threw a touchdown pass to Zawodni to make it 3-0, Anal Avenger Zach Funk was confused: "I thought it was our ball." Shannon Norman explained the Anal Avengers' collapse: "We're choking because this is the most people we've ever performed in front of."
But the game wasn't quite over. Zach Funk made some impressive defensive stops. The score was 5-2 after Alex Stypula threw a touchdown pass and caught one. "He's running like he's crossing the state line after a homicide," said Funk. Drew Kennedy still had faith in the Anal Avengers' ability to "come from behind."
However, Ray Zawodni made sure no such comeback would materialize, turning in a 4 interception performance that powered his team to a 7-2 blowout victory and earned it a spot in the championship game.
Zawodni & Sons 7, Anal Avengers 2
Ray Zawodni : 4 interceptions (1 returned for TD), 2 passing TDs, 1 receiving TD
Mark Mammone: 1 interception (returned for TD), 1 passing TD, 1 rushing TD
Alex Stypula: 1 passing TD, 1 receiving TD, 2 vomits
Percocet (Captain Dan Jenniches, Ed Bailey, Drew Rodgers, Amber Schiefer, Derek Minto, Arden Nicoletta)
The Revolution (Captain Matt Light, Aaron Kleiber, Aaron Reiber, Zach Roach, Gio Attisano, Dustin Dowling)
The epic matchup between Percocet and The Revolution was a protracted, fiercely contested struggle that actually came to resemble something like an athletic competition. Receivers and defensive backs collided violently. Players tackled each other instead of grabbing flags. Dan Jenniches reported taking shots to the nuts. Dustin Dowling's shoulder was coming out of its socket like a fifteen year old John Pridmore coming out of the closet. "You guys should take your comedy this seriously," said Shannon Norman.
The play of the game happened early when Arden Nicoletta's pass intended for Dan Jenniches was intercepted by Dustin Dowling after the ball popped up into the air when Jenniches collided with a defender. It looked like Dowling would take it all the way for an easy pick-6 when Ed Bailey came out of nowhere to chase Dowling down and prevent a touchdown.
The scoring began when Aaron Kleiber's touchdown passes to Matt Light and Aaron Reiber put The Revolution ahead 2-0. Ed Bailey soon evened it up with scoring throws to Dan Jenniches and Drew Rodgers.
The game then turned into a heated defensive battle, with many drives ending in a turnover on downs or an interception. "Right here, fuckface," said Derek Minto as he held up an opponent's flag after making a first-down-preventing stop.
As the contest dragged on, those watching on the sidelines grew distracted. "You got nice nipples," Ray Zawodni told John Winters. Zawodni later called to Dan Jenniches: "Lemme see some nip. You never show nip on the first date, do you?" We found out Ray Zawodni has a thing for dudes' nipples, but with the score locked up at 4-4 we were no closer to learning who would prevail in this clash of relative titans.
Percocet went on to show some serious athleticism. Captain Dan Jenniches racked up 10 receptions in a Wes Welker-like performance. "He's Heath Miller-ing me," said defensive back Dustin Dowling. "Ed Bailey is fucking fast," said Aaron Kleiber, who was intercepted twice by Bailey.
However, The Revolution would ultimately pull out a win with a workmanlike, all-around team performance. Matt Light's 3 interceptions and Aaron Kleiber's 5 touchdown passes helped The Revolution outlast Percocet and make it to the finals.
The Revolution 6, Percocet 4
Matt Light: 3 interceptions (1 returned for touchdown), 1 forced fumble, 1 receiving TD
Aaron Kleiber: 5 passing TDs
Aaron Reiber: 2 receiving TDs
Gio Attisano: 2 receiving TDs
Dustin Dowling: 1 interception, 2 shoulder pop-outs
Dan Jenniches: 10 receptions, 2 receiving TDs
Ed Bailey: 3 interceptions, 2 passing TDs
Drew Rodgers: 1 interception, 1 rushing TD, 1 receiving TD, 1 passing TD
(aka "The GayFC Championship Game")
Percocet vs. Anal Avengers
With the Anal Avengers getting bulldozed in their first game and Percocet putting up an impressive performance in a narrow defeat, spectators expected the third place consolation game to be a forgettable blowout. The ensuing contest was indeed a lopsided shutout victory for Percocet, but it was accompanied by such outrageous shenanigans that it is destined to live forever as a legendary episode in the annals (anals?) of Pittsburgh comedy history.
The antics began when the teams were taking the field ("I'm drunk," said John Pridmore) and Anal Avengers first overall draft pick John Winters took his pants off, stripping down to his (blue) tighty whities. Referee Brandon Johnson tried to salvage decorum by insisting that the game could not start until Winters put his pants back on. However, like the Indianapolis Colts players who shaved their heads to support their coach going through chemotherapy, three of Winters' teammates showed their solidarity by similarly stripping down to their underwear. Confronted with this "I'm Spartacus" situation, the referee had no choice but to allow the game to proceed with Winters, Alex Stypula, John Pridmore, and Brandon Rickard indecently exposed (Shannon Norman opted to keep his capri pants on).
Onlookers were stunned and titillated. "Who doesn't have a boner right now? I am raging," said Dustin Dowling. "Alex Stypula has a swimmer's ass," said Aaron Kleiber.
The game opened with Winters throwing a pass to a wide-open Pridmore, who failed to catch the ball because he had a can of beer in his hand. Later, the Anal Avengers nearly received a delay of game penalty because Pridmore was "posing for sexy pictures" on the sideline.
|One of said "sexy pictures"
The shenanigans culminated with quarterback John Winters sexually molesting center Alex Stypula prior to the snap in an unspeakable episode that can only be interpreted as relegating John Pridmore to the status of third-gayest player on his team.
|This reporter has been unable to confirm whether penetration occurred
In all this chaos, many people (including most of the Anal Avengers' players) forgot there was a football game going on. When the smoke (or men's sauna steam?) cleared, Percocet had completely destroyed their scantily-clad opponents in a lightning-quick 5-0 victory. Ed Bailey had three interceptions, saying "I'm not letting these motherfuckers catch the ball, because I'm not touching them." Amber Schiefer capped off this abortion of an athletic competition with a game-winning touchdown run. "Did we lose already?" said Pridmore, as if disappointed by a partner's premature ejaculation.
Percocet 5, Anal Avengers 0
Ed Bailey: 3 interceptions (1 returned for touchdown)
Dan Jenniches: 2 receiving TDs
Arden Nicoletta: 2 passing TDs
John Winters: 3 interceptions thrown, 1 attempted rape
Zawodni & Sons vs. The Revolution
|The Revolution hoisting the Super Fool II championship trophy
The championship game turned out to be an anti-climax, not only because the spectators were still shocked by the homoerotic spectacle of the "GayFC Championship Game," but because it was clear that the two best teams had already met when The Revolution played Percocet in Game 2, the only competitive match of the day.
The Revolution quickly dispatched Zawodni & Sons with a dominating performance on both sides of the ball. Aaron Reiber and Gio Attisano each scored touchdowns off Mark Mammone interceptions. Mammone said "Fuck! You can quote that."
Aaron Kleiber threw 3 touchdown passes, with the game-winning scoring strike being caught by captain Matt Light. Earlier in the game, Light made the day's top play when he reached over defenders to catch a long bomb that took his team down to the goal line, setting up a touchdown.
The Revolution 5, Zawodni & Sons 0
Aaron Kleiber: 3 passing touchdowns
Most Valuable Player (Matt Light)
|Last year's MVP Dan Jenniches passes the torch to new MVP Matt Light while Aaron Kleiber photobombs
Matt Light earned this year's MVP award by leading his team to the championship with strong two-way play that included 3 key interceptions against Percocet and the title-clinching touchdown catch. When asked how he felt about winning the championship and the MVP award, Light said "I'm going to my Disney World—the Penn State showers." He continued: "I'd like to thank my 9th grade English teacher who said I would never amount to anything. He's still right, because we won a meaningless game today." Light graciously accepted the championship trophy from last year's MVP, Dan Jenniches, saying "Hey Dan, how does my dick taste?"
Brad Ryan Spirit Award (Zach Funk)
The Brad Ryan Spirit Award, named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a career-ending bone fracture in last year's game, is awarded to a player who left it all on the field. Zach Funk, a lifelong picked-last-in-gym-class nerd, earned the award by turning in a standout defensive performance. Despite being the last pick of the pathetic Anal Avengers, he was the team's best player. He was also the most prepared player: "Is Zach Funk wearing a jock strap and a cup? Someone tell him we're not playing jai alai," said Aaron Kleiber. Funk probably prevented a shutout in Game 1 with his acrobatic defensive stops. "He's a flag-grabbing motherfucker," said Gordon Duchene. In the consolation game, when most of his teammates thought they were filming a gay porno, Funk kept his head in the game and his pants on his body. "I can do sports!" he said in a tearful acceptance speech.
The Tombstone Badass Award (John Winters)
John Winters's pathological craving for attention is truly staggering. Within a community of people who eagerly brave blizzards for the chance to talk about penises in front of two or three apathetic barflys, this skinny-jeans-wearing, lumberjack-beard-having monster stands head and shoulders above the rest in his willingness to do anything just to have people look at him. After the circus that was Super Fool II devolved into an actual athletic competition during the drawn-out game between Percocet and The Revolution, Winters took it upon himself to restore disorder. A veritable Lord of Misrule, he unabashedly bared his hideous physique and ignited an uproarious, homoerotic disgrace of a football game. For this, we salute him.
—James J. Hamilton