Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

By James J. Hamilton

I was at an open mic last night (October 30th) and some people were dressed up in Halloween costumes. I haven't dressed up in years, and when I did it was always just a lazy-ass "Hamlet" costume (it involves wearing all black like I usually do anyway and carrying around a plastic skull). A comic talked about the Halloween tradition of pranking people, of toilet-papering houses and shit. I've never done anything like that, unless you count that one time I destroyed a neighbor's pumpkins with a medieval ball and chain because they had been left out for weeks after Halloween and I was sick of looking at them. So I thought, I should prank somebody on Halloween tomorrow. I should TP a house or something, just for the fuck of it. I just turned thirty, but that doesn't mean I have to be dead inside all the time. I can still cut loose and have fun, right?

But then I thought, it wouldn't be very fun to TP some random person's house. I don't know anybody who lives in my neighborhood. I'm not just going to fuck with somebody for no reason. That wouldn't be fun for me. I need an enemy. I wish I had an enemy I could take revenge on. But I thought, there's no way I'm going to make an enemy in the next 24 hours, so forget about it.

I was wrong. When I got home from the open mic at about 11:45 p.m., some asshole was parked in my spot. I live in an apartment building where everyone has their own assigned spot. The spots are numbered with your apartment number and no one else is allowed to park there. I've had people park in my spot several times and I get really pissed when it happens. I get so pissed that I've adopted a policy regarding people parking in my spot: If I get home at night and there's someone in my spot, I'll go ahead and park on the street. But if the car is still in my spot when I wake up in the morning, I will key that car. I've never had to execute this policy yet because no one has stayed in my spot until morning, but I swear to Jesus H.W. Christ I will do it.

So when I see this asshole in my spot, I get pissed and I'm thinking, okay motherfucker, you better hope you're not still there when I get up because I will fucking key your ratty-ass Mitsubishi Lancer into oblivion. I went ahead and parked on the street like some kind of goddamn animal, but I'm so mad I'm actually hoping they're still there in the morning because I really want to key this car. I want to prove to myself that I'm serious about my car-keying policy. I took the long way around the building so I could stand next to the car and stew in rage. I was so serious that I left a note for myself to read in the morning:
So I'm all geared up to key this car in the morning when I see the clock says 11:50. It's about to be Halloween in ten minutes, and I remembered what I was thinking earlier about wanting an enemy to prank. This is it. The gods of Halloween (Satan?) have granted my wish. Now is my chance. 

When the clock strikes midnight, I'm going to egg this car.

Don't fuck with me on Halloween. I'm an adult. I'm on a low-carb diet. I have a shitload of eggs.

So I egged the car, 100% sober, by myself. I'm thirty years old and not only did I egg the shit out of this car, I set up a Sony Handycam on a tripod and filmed myself egging the shit out of this car.

Happy Halloween.