Monday, May 23, 2011

Star Wars Quotes In Other Contexts

By James J. Hamilton

"I thought they smelled bad on the outside." - Surgeon operating on a homeless guy

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." - Jesus Christ to Pontius Pilate

"Size matters not." - Guys with small penises

"I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."

"Never tell me the odds!" - Guy who always buys a ton of lottery tickets refusing to admit it's a waste of money

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." - Your priest guilt-tripping you into coming to church more often

"Luke's just not a farmer, Owen." - Someone explaining to a disappointed Owen Wilson that his brother Luke Wilson is never going to play FarmVille with him
"You rebel scum."

"Where are you taking this... thing?"  - Movie studio security guard to Sarah Jessica Parker's chauffeur

"We had a slight weapons malfunction." - Kid explaining to his mom why his brother has a BB embedded in his butt cheek.

"It's a trap!" - Out-of-position linebacker realizing that an apparent running play is in fact a play action pass

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner." - Group of friends vowing to take their New Year's resolutions seriously this time

"The circle is now complete." - Kindergartener doing his shape-drawing homework

"You came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?"  "He's the brains, sweetheart!" - Someone asking George W. Bush about the Iraq war and Bush responding by pointing to Dick Cheney  
"This station is now the ultimate power in the universe."

"There'll be no escape for the Princess this time." - The Pont de l'Alma Tunnel in Paris on August 31, 1997

"You have failed me for the last time." - Comedian deciding he will no longer tell that joke that never gets a good laugh

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy." - Princess Leia ordering me to anally penetrate her (from an awesome dream I had)

"He's more machine now than man.  Twisted and evil."

"I have a bad feeling about this." - Someone hearing that George Lucas is planning to make the Special Edition

"I have a very bad feeling about this." - Someone hearing that George Lucas is planning to make the prequel trilogy

"Impressive... Most impressive." - You reading this blog

Check out James J. Hamilton's "Star Wars Saga Told Via Twitter Updates"

Monday, May 9, 2011

Hidden History: What Your High School History Teacher Didn't Want You To Know (Part Two)

Mary Todd Lincoln:
Historic bitch
By James J. Hamilton

Abraham Lincoln was not assassinated.  He faked his death and moved to South America in order to avoid the mess of post-Civil War Reconstruction and get away from his nagging wife.  John Wilkes Booth, the talented actor Lincoln hired to help pull off the scheme, soon faked his own death and joined Lincoln in South America, where the two became drinking buddies and notorious playboys.

Mark Twain, often considered the most famous pen name in American literature, was not actually adopted as a pen name.  Before becoming a writer, young Samantha Clemens chose the name after she underwent the first—and bloodiest—sex change operation ever performed in the United States.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was not wheelchair-bound because he was crippled by polio.  He was simply a bit lazy and didn’t want to get up.

The Allies did not win World War II.  In 1943, the United States concluded that it could not defeat Germany and reached a peace agreement with Hitler.  Most Americans do not realize it, but the Nazi party still rules Europe under the leadership of Adolph’s grandson, Rufus Hitler.

Harry Truman:
Below average tennis player
The famous Chicago Tribune newspaper headline “Dewey Defeats Truman” was not an incorrect report about the result of the 1948 presidential race.  It did not refer to the election at all, but to a tennis match the two candidates had played the previous day in which Dewey beat Truman 7-6, 6-4, 6-2.

John F. Kennedy did not sleep with Marilyn Monroe.  He had planned to, but changed his mind when he found out that she had been born a man.  His brother, Robert F. Kennedy, didn't let that stop him.

North Dakota is no longer part of the United States.  It seceded from the Union in 1993, but the story was not widely reported because nobody cares about North Dakota.  North Dakota became an independent nation known as the People’s Republic of North Dakota.  In 1995, North Dakotan President Bob Jenkins was overthrown by a military coup and North Dakota became a fascist dictatorship.  Throughout the late 1990s, the North Dakotan government perpetrated a genocide in which all people with an IQ over 100 were rounded up and killed.  Nearly a dozen died.  In 2000, North Dakotan troops attempted to invade Canada, but were repulsed when an elderly Canadian man living near the border fired a shotgun at them.

Al Gore:
Destroyer of Worlds
Al Gore is not a human being.  He is an alien from a planet on the other side of the galaxy who came to Earth when his spaceship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.  His extraterrestrial origin explains the incredible knowledge and intelligence which enabled him to create the Internet.  He ran for president in 2000 but lost to George W. Bush following a controversy that ended when the U.S. Supreme Court decided Bush v. Gore.  Despite what the Court’s published opinion says, the case was not decided under the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.  After classified evidence of Gore’s extraterrestrial origin was admitted, the Court decided the case under the fifth clause of Article II, which states that a person must be a natural born citizen of the United States to be eligible for the presidency.  It is believed that Gore then used alien technology to alter Earth’s climate in an attempt to regain power as a spokesman against global warming.

Read Part One