Monday, March 12, 2012

Fuck Marry Kill - Downton Abbey Edition

By James J. Hamilton

You know the rules:  Three people.  You have to fuck one, marry one, and kill one. 

Today's contestants are Downton Abbey's Crawley sisters: Mary, Edith, and Sybil.

Left to right: Edith, Mary, and Sybil
Marry Sybil
This is a no-brainer for me.  Sybil is the nice one.  She has a positive attitude and doesn't let things get her down.  She has a mind of her own and stands up for herself.  She has convictions and likes to help others.  She wants to travel.  She's the only one of her sisters with even a rudimentary knowledge of how to cook.  Oh yeah, and she's the hottest.
Sybil:  Marriage material
Sure, she's a bit headstrong and opinionated, but in the end that's a good thing.  She wouldn't let her prying family get all up in our business and tell us what to do.  And frankly, she's the only one who wouldn't let her father stop her from marrying my low-class ass.  Sybil is a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman who would be an equal partner in marriage.  If you want your wife to be a doormat, there's Edith.  If you like 'em high maintenance, there's Mary.  Sybil's the gal for me.  I see some "naughty nurse" role-playing in our future.

Fuck Edith 
I feel like 98% of people would automatically kill Edith without thinking twice.  She's the homely, forgotten middle sister.  She's the afterthought, the leftover.  Even the old guy who wanted to propose to her only settled for her after Mary rejected him.  In many ways, she's the quintessential "kill."  It's the archetype of her character: "Am I just to be the maiden aunt?  Isn't this what they do?  Arrange presents for their prettier relations?"  If Edith knew you were doing Fuck Marry Kill with her and her sisters, she would probably blindfold herself for the firing squad before you even announced the results.  But that's exactly why I chose to fuck her.  
Edith:  Starved for affection
If you wanted to fuck Edith, she would appreciate it.  She's so neglected that she throws herself at anyone who pays her any attention: The old guy, the dirty farmer, the burn victim, and the same old guy five years older with a crippled arm.  Edith wants it so bad, she would do anything you wanted.  The mere thought of you choosing her over Mary would make her wetter than the Thames.  Do you really think Mary would want to go down on you?  Edith would suck until the cows came home if you asked her.  I'll bet she would even do butt stuff.  She'd be eager to please because she feels like she has something to prove.  So let's put that inferiority complex to good use:  Edith, harness all of that pent-up jealousy and resentment and take it out on my dick.  We know she knows how to drive a stick.

Kill Mary
Mary's hot, but her negative personality is a turn-off.  Fancy-wine-glass-half-empty Mary: "An uppity minx who is the author of her own misfortune."  She'll never be happy because she only wants what she can't have.  No matter what happens, she'll find something wrong with it.  Her expectations are so high, you could never satisfy her. 
Mary:  Nothing is ever good enough for her
If you were fucking Mary, she'd probably act like she was doing you a favor.  She'd just lay there like a wet noodle and wouldn't even have the decency to fake it.  Good luck getting her to do any butt stuff.  And remember, the only guy who's ever tried to fuck Mary didn't make it out of her bedroom alive.  So I'll kill Mary and put her out of her self-imposed misery.

Bonus round
You can fuck all three if you let the Dowager Countess watch (and criticize, of course).
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