Thursday, January 5, 2012

London Philharmonic Orchestra Disbands After Yoko Ono Starts Dating 8th-chair Violinist

By James J. Hamilton
LONDONEighty years after it was founded by Sir Thomas Beecham, the London Philharmonic Orchestra is calling it quits. Sources say the cause of the 100-member orchestra's breakup is tension over the relationship between 8th-chair violinist Andrew Thurgood and John Lennon's widow, artist Yoko Ono.

The orchestra's problems reportedly arose soon after the couple started dating in October. Percussionist Keith Millar expressed the frustration of Thurgood's fellow musicians: "They've only been dating a couple months, and now she's sitting in on rehearsals and insisting we add cow mooing sounds to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. This is bullshit." Principal Conductor Vladimir Jurowski opposed the changes, saying "That bitch doesn't know dick about classical music."

The orchestra plans to cancel the remainder of its 2011-12 season, citing irreconcilable creative differences. Cellist Gregory Walmsley said "I don't care what anyone says, I'm not playing Brahms in the nude."