Friday, February 10, 2017

Republicans Silence Elizabeth Warren With Senate Rule 69 Which Prohibits Being A Bitchy Cunt During Debate

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—This week, Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) was cut off in the middle of a floor speech in opposition to the nomination of Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL) for the office of Attorney General, in which Warren read from a letter by Coretta Scott King and raised concerns that Sessions was a racist. After repeated warnings to Warren that her speech violated decorum, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) ended the speech by invoking Senate Rule 69, which states: “No Senator in debate shall, directly or indirectly, by any form of words exhibit bitchiness, cuntiness, or any combination thereof.” 

Senate Rule 69 was instituted in 1932 after Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to a U.S. Senate seat. Senatress Caraway* wasted no time earning the ire of the all-male deliberative body when she spoke out against the proposed repeal of prohibition during a December 16, 1932 floor debate. Implying that several Senators were notorious drunks, Caraway was shouted down by her booze-addled colleagues, who suggested that she should stop being a buzzkill and "show a little skin." Later that same night, Majority Leader Joseph Robinson (like Caraway, a Democrat from Arkansas) reportedly drafted Senate Rule 69 on a napkin in a Capitol Hill speakeasy, surrounded by a horde of gin-soaked Senators howling with laughter. The next day, Senate Rule 69 was adopted by a vote of 94-2, with only Caraway and one emasculated nancy boy from Vermont voting against it.

If Senator Warren wants to do good service to the nation and her constituents, she needs to study the hallowed and time-honored rules of the Senate and learn to follow them. Or else.   

*Female Senators were officially referred to as “Senatress” until 1968, when Maureen Neuberger (the only Senatress in office at the time) successfully persuaded over 60 Senators’ wives to withhold sex until their husbands voted to change the title.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

"Hamilton" Cast Trashes Mike Pence After Pence Ruins Play By Revealing Spoiler That Hamilton Dies At The End

By James J. Hamilton
NEW YORK—When Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the hit broadway musical "Hamilton" on Friday night, the cast took a timeout from the performance to publicly denounce him for ruining the play by revealing the spoiler that Alexander Hamilton dies at the end in a duel with Aaron Burr. 

Sources say Pence, while standing in the crowded lobby before the play, said out loud to his wife that he was looking forward the scene in which Hamilton is killed by Burr, adding that he hoped the performance would capture the intense drama of the actual historical event. 

Pence's comments were overheard by his fellow playgoers, many of whom were understandably outraged at having spent thousands of dollars on tickets to a play only to have Pence spoil it by blabbing about the ending.

President-elect Donald Trump demanded that the "Hamilton" cast apologize to Pence, but no one should listen to Trump, because he's probably the type of inconsiderate jerk who will be standing in line on opening night of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, loudly announcing to Melania that the rebels get away with the Death Star plans at the end.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Cheapskate Patient Gets $100k Surgery and Doesn’t Even Tip the Doctor

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Confidential sources say local tightwad Brent Douglas recently received successful angioplasty surgery at Allegheny General Hospital to the tune of $100k and didn't leave any tip for the surgeon who performed the procedure, Richard Stedman, MD.

Dr. Stedman declined to comment on Douglas's failure to tip, though when we asked him about it, he looked like he was about to cry and excused himself from the room. Douglas was apparently too busy to comment on his shameful frugality, with his "wife" claiming he was "unavailable" and "recovering from surgery."

A nurse who assisted in the procedure, speaking on the condition of anonymity, took the penny-pinching Douglas to task for skipping out of the tip. "I'm not saying he's ungrateful, but if patients didn't tip, Dr. Stedman wouldn't be able to spend more than one week a year in the Turks and Caicos."
We spoke to Debra Lerman, MD, vice president of the American Medical Association, who said "Traditionally it's fifteen or twenty percent. When a treatment or procedure goes well, you let your doctor know you appreciate him."

Angie Donovon of the hospital's billing department explained the process: "When we send out the bill, it shows the amount covered by insurance and the amount owed by the patient. It also says GRATUITY NOT INCLUDED in all caps and there's a line where the patients can write in their tips. Some people use that, some just leave cash tips next to their beds when they're discharged."

Friday, November 4, 2016

New Poll Shows 50% of Americans Support Marijuana Legalization, 20% High Right Now

By James J. Hamilton
According to a new Gallup poll, a record 50% of Americans now say the use of marijuana should be made legal, up from 46% last year. In the same poll, 20% of respondents reported being high right now, also a new record. The percentage of Americans who say they are high right now has increased steadily over the past decade and has doubled since 2005, when only 10% admitted to being baked out of their minds. In this year's poll, 91% of those who reported being high right now also said they favored lowering taxes on Swiss Cake Rolls and Funyuns, a position supported by only 12% of Americans not currently high. 

The new poll was conducted with a rigorous scientific methodology and has a margin of error within plus or minus 3 percentage points. One controversial Gallup poll from 2007 suggested that 95% of Americans were high at the time, but the poll was later found to have been based solely on interviews of people standing in line at a hemp necklace vendor at Coachella. The Gallup employee responsible for the poll was fired and subsequently took a position at High Times magazine, where he conducted a poll showing that 78% of High Times subscribers agreed that you can totally hear Satanic messages in Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" if you play it backwards.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Super Fool VI Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My recap of the sixth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Super Fool VI Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My preview of the sixth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

A Decade After Natalee Holloway’s Death, Her High School Decides It’s Finally Okay To Resume Senior Class Trips To Aruba

By James J. Hamilton
MOUNTAIN BROOK, ALABAMA—Mountain Brook High School is the alma mater of Natalee Holloway, the eighteen year old student who disappeared and was presumably murdered on a senior class trip to Aruba in 2005. Over a decade later, Mountain Brook's Principal Andrew Davis said the school will finally resume senior trips to the Caribbean island. "Students always loved those trips and it's a shame that one bad experience had to ruin it for everyone," Principal Davis said. "We held off for ten years, but I think by now we've made whatever point we were trying to make." Noting that prime suspect Joran van der Sloot recently admitted in undercover footage that he is guilty of Holloway's death, Principal Davis remarked that "We have some closure now, so we should be good to go, right?" When asked what steps the school would take to ensure students' safety in Aruba, Principal Davis said: "Two words: Buddy system."