Monday, September 11, 2017

Secret White House Tape From September 10, 2001 Reveals Bush And Cheney Planning The 9/11 Attacks

By James J. Hamilton
In a shocking turn of events, intrepid reporters at www.jamesjhamilton.net have obtained exclusive access to the verified transcript of a secret White House audio tape containing a September 10, 2001 Oval Office conversation between President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney in which the two can be heard explicitly planning the 9/11 attacks that would take place the following day. At long last, the 9/11 Truth movement has the final, undeniable evidence proving that we were right the whole time! You sheeple who ridiculed us for all those years must feel pretty dumb right now, don't you? Read it and weep:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
SEPTEMBER 10, 2001
11:42 AM EST

CHENEY
Mr. President, I just wanted to let you know that we're all set for tomorrow morning’s operation.

BUSH
What operation?

CHENEY
The New York and Washington attacks, sir.

BUSH
Oh yeah, that. I forgot all about it.

CHENEY
Did you read that book I gave you on the Reichstag Fire?

BUSH
Yes—well, I sort of skimmed it while I was watching the ballgame. You should get me a Cliffs Notes version. What’re we doing exactly?

CHENEY
We’re going to hijack four commercial airplanes and fly them into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

BUSH
Okay, sounds good.

CHENEY
We’re making it look like Islamic terrorists did it, so we can go to war in the Middle East and take control of its oil.

BUSH
Well, you know how much I like oil! So that’s it then, just hijacking some planes?

CHENEY
Actually, no—our structural engineers have determined that crashing planes into the Twin Towers won’t cause them to collapse. Even if the planes are full of jet fuel, the fires wouldn’t burn hot enough to collapse the buildings, so we are also going to have them wired with explosives.

BUSH
Okay—wait, why do we need the buildings to collapse? Wouldn’t just crashing planes into them cause enough terror to justify the war?

CHENEY
Maybe, but we don’t want to take any chances. We’d like to collapse the buildings and get the death toll up to really sell this thing.

BUSH
Go big or go home, right. But why do we need the planes then? If we’re going to collapse the buildings with explosives, why do we need to fly planes into them first? Couldn’t we just make it look like terrorists blew them up with explosives? They did try to do that in 1993, right?

CHENEY
Yes, but the type and amount of explosives needed are beyond the terrorists’ capabilities. Also, they wouldn’t have the access required to wire the whole building in secret—so people can’t know explosives were involved or they’ll know it wasn’t really terrorists.

BUSH
But if the engineers say the buildings can’t collapse by the planes alone, won’t it be obvious that explosives were involved and that the terrorists couldn’t have done it? That we were behind it? Jesus, vice, I can’t have this thing blowing back on me!

CHENEY
Nothing to worry about. The investigation into what happened will be conducted by our people and they’ll make sure all the reports say that the planes alone did it and there were no explosives.

BUSH
Nice. That’s it for the World Trade Center, then?

CHENEY
Yes, that’s it—apart from the demolition of World Trade Center Building 7.

BUSH
What’s Building 7?

CHENEY
That’s where the Secret Service and CIA offices are located in New York. There’s a lot of secret stuff in there that has to do with how we planned the attacks, so we have to blow up the building to destroy the evidence. Can’t leave a paper trail.

BUSH
Right, blowing up the building would be the simplest way to get rid of that evidence. So does a third plane hit Building 7?

CHENEY
No, we’re just using explosives on that one.

BUSH
Just explosives? Then what are we going to say happened?

CHENEY
The building’s going to be on fire, so we figured we’ll just let it burn all day, then blow it up around 5 p.m. and blame it on the fire.

BUSH
Smokescreen. And in Washington, a plane hits the Pentagon, right?

CHENEY
Well, yes and no. We’re going to hijack a plane and make it look like it crashed into the Pentagon, but really we’re just going to hit the Pentagon with a cruise missile.

BUSH
A cruise missile—why the hell would we do that?

CHENEY
Honestly, sir, I’m not quite sure—but the Jews specifically requested that we do it this way and, as you know, around here what they say goes.

BUSH
Obviously. What’s going to happen to the plane and all the passengers?

CHENEY
Um, the Jews are taking them. I don’t know what they’re doing with them. I don’t ask questions.

BUSH
Me either. Except when’s lunch… Seriously, I’m ready for lunch, are we done here?

CHENEY
Almost. We haven’t talked about the fourth plane.

BUSH
A fourth plane? Are we flying it into the Capitol Building or something? Please tell me it’s not the White House. I have a lot of nice stuff here.

CHENEY
Don’t worry, the fourth plane is going to crash in the middle of nowhere.

BUSH
Okay—why?

CHENEY
We’re going to make it look like heroic passengers took the plane back from the hijackers. Everyone can rally around that and it’ll be a great first step towards war.

BUSH
I guess that makes sense. So we just crash the plane into the ground?

CHENEY
Not quite. We’re going to shoot it down with a fighter jet.

BUSH
And why are we doing that?

CHENEY
Again, the Jews—

BUSH
Doesn’t matter. Sounds like there are a lot of moving parts here. How many people are involved on our end?

CHENEY
A couple thousand, tops.

BUSH
Are we sure we can keep a tight lid on all this?

CHENEY
No one will say anything, ever.

BUSH
Good. Like I said before, I can’t have this getting back to me. Did you get me an alibi?

CHENEY
Yes, you’ll be in Florida reading to schoolchildren when it all goes down.

BUSH
Reading? C’mon, vice, you know I don’t like reading. What book?

CHENEY
Don’t worry, I’ll get you a Cliffs Notes version.

BUSH
Sweet. Is it lunchtime now?

END TRANSCRIPT

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Ranking The 5 Worst Ariana Grande Concerts Ever

By James J. Hamilton
5. San Francisco, CA - September 8, 2015
Battling a cold and cough, Grande looked lost amid a too-busy stage production at the Shoreline Amphitheater. Fireworks and special effects couldn't make up for the pop diva's lack of charisma and her failure to interact with fans.

4. Milwaukee, WI - February 28, 2015
The 2015 Honeymoon Tour was Grande's first time headlining arenas, and it showed. Featuring cringeworthy video cameos by Big Sean and Mac Miller, her uninspired performance at the BMO Harris Bradley Center felt like a dress rehearsal.

3. St. Paul, MN - March 1, 2015
Grande's voice is her strong suit, but it was buried beneath an over-produced show marred by bad lighting, bad costumes, and too many backup dancers. And who thought distorted vocal effects would be a good idea?   

2. Manchester, UK - May 22, 2017
Suicide bomber Salman Abedi blew himself up during Grande's concert at Manchester Arena, killing 22 people and injuring 119 others. The victims included many children and teenagers. ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack.

1. San Jose, CA - March 27, 2017 
Barely visible on a dimly-lit stage with an overactive fog machine, Grande drifted through song after subpar song, her phoned-in vocals failing to reach the heights of the studio versions. Performing a bad setlist with a lot of filler, the singer showed zero personality and made no attempt to connect with the crowd. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

At State Of The Union Address, Justice Kennedy Weighs Whether To Let Trump Replace Him Or Cling To Power Till Death

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—When 80 year old Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy attended Donald Trump’s first State of the Union Address last week, the up-close-and-personal look at the new president reportedly prompted the 1987 Reagan appointee to face the difficult decision whether to retire and let Trump replace him or cling to office until the cold hand of death pries the scepter of power from his fingers. 

As the Supreme Court's swing vote, Kennedy has bent the Constitution to his will with impunity for two decades, repeatedly breaking with his fellow Republican-appointed colleagues to author landmark opinions in favor of abortion and gay rights. 

With former clerks suggesting the Court's longest-serving member is on the fence about a possible resignation at the end of this year's term, Kennedy will soon decide whether protecting his legacy for a few more years is worth forgoing a relaxing retirement to instead die at his desk. 

To make his choice, Kennedy must weigh the extent to which a Trump-appointed replacement might erode his maverick jurisprudence against the abject terror of continuing to hold his seat in stubborn defiance of advanced age and medical reality.

Conspicuous by her absence at Trump's speech was Kennedy's oldest and most liberal colleague, 83 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. A cancer survivor who fell asleep at President Obama's 2015 State of the Union and later admitted she "wasn't 100% sober" at the time, Ginsburg recently signaled that she has no intention of retiring and will serve as a potent example for Kennedy as he considers the physical and mental cost of remaining on the Court as the Grim Reaper creeps ever closer.   

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Disney's Hall Of Presidents Selling Unneeded Animatronic Hillary Clinton On eBay As A Sex Robot

By James J. Hamilton
ORLANDO—Amid recent news that realistic sex robots are hitting markets across the globe, Disney World's Hall of Presidents is reportedly selling its now-useless animatronic Hillary Clinton on eBay as a sex robot.

Disney, which grossed $2 billion at the box office on Star Wars: The Force Awakens, refuses to simply throw the robot in the trash. Disney CEO Bob Iger said "Look, we wouldn't be a $150 billion dollar company if we passed up opportunities to make a buck."

Though the minimum bid was initially set at one dollar, Iger expects bidding to skyrocket once news of the auction reaches the alt-right, whose members' inability to attract real women makes it the ideal market for sex robots.

If the Hillary robot fetches a good price, Disney may dust off its superfluous John McCain and Mitt Romney animatronics and put them on the sex robot auction block next. "There's definitely someone out there," Iger said, "who would pay to be tag-teamed by McCain and Romney." 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump Enjoys 95% Approval Rating With Nation's Fastest Growing Demographic: Dudes Who Leave Comments On Porn Sites

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—Pollsters say President Trump's approval rating has soared to an astonishing 95% among the nation’s fastest growing demographic: Dudes who leave comments on porn sites.

"Comment sections didn't really exist on porn sites when President Obama first took office," said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports, "but the percentage of Americans leaving comments on porn videos has skyrocketed in the last few years." Pollster Frank Luntz warned: "Dudes who comment on porn videos are now a substantial voting bloc that can't be ignored. If Democrats can't break into that demographic, they're going to be in the minority for a long time."

PornHub user Hard_Cock_69, who commented that a video entitled "18 Year Old Slut Who Loves Anal" was "so hot i just jacked it twice in a porta potty at work lol," said he supports Trump's travel ban and believes the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals misapplied the standard of review for temporary restraining orders when it struck down the policy. 

"OMG I came so hard I almost jizzed in my own face," commented YouPorn user Epic69Boner420 in response to "Squirting Asian Schoolgirls Spanked Hard In Detention." Saying he voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson but has warmed up to Trump somewhat since the election, Epic69Boner420 praised Trump's nomination of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court and expressed excitement about Gorsuch's record of skepticism toward the Chevron doctrine, a precedent requiring courts to defer to executive agencies' interpretations of ambiguous statutes. 

Rasmussen and Luntz said Trump's approval rating hits 99% when the polling sample is narrowed to dudes who leave racist comments on interracial porn videos. PornTube user BigDicKKK1933, a rare member of that sampling group who does not support Trump, explained his opposition to the president by saying: "He let his daughter marry a Jew." BigDicKKK1933 added that the video "White MILF Takes Two Giant Black Cocks" is "a perfect example of why 9/11 happened." 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Republicans Silence Elizabeth Warren With Senate Rule 69 Which Prohibits Being A Bitchy Cunt During Debate

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—This week, Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) was cut off in the middle of a floor speech in opposition to the nomination of Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL) for the office of Attorney General, in which Warren read from a letter by Coretta Scott King and raised concerns that Sessions was a racist. After repeated warnings to Warren that her speech violated decorum, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) ended the speech by invoking Senate Rule 69, which states: “No Senator in debate shall, directly or indirectly, by any form of words exhibit bitchiness, cuntiness, or any combination thereof.” 

Senate Rule 69 was instituted in 1932 after Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to a U.S. Senate seat. Senatress Caraway* wasted no time earning the ire of the all-male deliberative body when she spoke out against the proposed repeal of prohibition during a December 16, 1932 floor debate. Implying that several Senators were notorious drunks, Caraway was shouted down by her booze-addled colleagues, who suggested that she should stop being a buzzkill and "show a little skin." Later that same night, Majority Leader Joseph Robinson (like Caraway, a Democrat from Arkansas) reportedly drafted Senate Rule 69 on a napkin in a Capitol Hill speakeasy, surrounded by a horde of gin-soaked Senators howling with laughter. The next day, Senate Rule 69 was adopted by a vote of 94-2, with only Caraway and one emasculated nancy boy from Vermont voting against it.

If Senator Warren wants to do good service to the nation and her constituents, she needs to study the hallowed and time-honored rules of the Senate and learn to follow them. Or else.   

*Female Senators were officially referred to as “Senatress” until 1968, when Maureen Neuberger (the only Senatress in office at the time) successfully persuaded over 60 Senators’ wives to withhold sex until their husbands voted to change the title.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

"Hamilton" Cast Trashes Mike Pence After Pence Spoils Play By Revealing Hamilton Dies At The End

By James J. Hamilton
NEW YORK—When Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the hit broadway musical "Hamilton" on Friday night, the cast took a timeout from the performance to publicly denounce him for ruining the play by revealing the spoiler that Alexander Hamilton dies at the end in a duel with Aaron Burr. 

Sources say Pence, while standing in the crowded lobby before the play, said out loud to his wife that he was looking forward the scene in which Hamilton is killed by Burr, adding that he hoped the performance would capture the intense drama of the actual historical event. 

Pence's comments were overheard by his fellow playgoers, many of whom were understandably outraged at having spent thousands of dollars on tickets to a play only to have Pence spoil it by blabbing about the ending.

President-elect Donald Trump demanded that the "Hamilton" cast apologize to Pence, but no one should listen to Trump, because he's probably the type of inconsiderate jerk who will be standing in line on opening night of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, loudly announcing to Melania that the rebels get away with the Death Star plans at the end.