Monday, November 20, 2017

Super Fool VII Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
Pittsburgh's comedians couldn't have been more excited to participate in their seventh-annual flag football game: "I'm angry that I'm here," said Sean Collier. "I'm too fat to wear these flags," said Brandon Schell. "I have an inhaler if anyone needs it," said Valerie Gauvain. From the outset, Super Fool VII was shaping up to be another classic display of apathetic athleticism.

Getting ready for kickoff, the participants couldn't avoid contemplating the storied history of Super Fools past: "Is this Brad Ryan's blood on these flags?" asked Collier. "If it's blood, it's definitely Brad Ryan's," confirmed Will Ness. Multiple players would seek to follow in Brad Ryan's footsteps that afternoon, with Dustin Dowling getting off to an early start by separating his shoulder (for the first time) in pregame warm-ups: "I didn't think it would come out that easy," he said. Things would just go downhill from there.

THE TEAMS

Hogfathers
Matt Light (captain)
Ray Zawodni
Dustin Dowling
Collin Chamberlin
Senneca Stone
Tom Musial
Ramsey Daniels

The Gooch
Brandon Schell (captain)
Will Ness
Derrick Knopsnyder
Ron Renwick
Erick Williams
Sean Collier
Valerie Gauvain

FIRST HALF
The Gooch took the ball for the game's opening possession with their captain Brandon Schell under center. Schell started fast with two completions each to Will Ness and Derrick Knopsnyder, before a blitzing Matt Light forced him to throw an errant pass that was intercepted by Ray Zawodni.

On the Hogfathers' first possession, veteran quarterback Zawodni completed a long pass to Senneca Stone, who was on his way to a touchdown when Ness grabbed his flag at the goalline. On the next play, Zawodni connected with Light for the game's first score.  

The Gooch struck back on the next drive, with Schell throwing a touchdown pass to Ness. When the Hogfathers got the ball back, Zawodni scrambled past a blitzing Sean Collier and ran it into the endzone. Schell and Ness wasted no time hooking up for another touchdown to tie the game 2-2.

Things were dead even thus far, but momentum was shifting. After forcing a turnover on downs and pulling ahead on a Ron Renwick touchdown reception, the Gooch were about to score the game's first defensive touchdown. Having scrambled for one score already, Hogfather quarterback Zawodni got cocky when Valerie Gauvain took over on the pass rush: "I'm the Andy Kaufman of flag football," Zawodni said. "I'm only good against women." On the ensuing play, Zawodni would eat his words when he completed a short pass to Dustin Dowling and the two lost control of the ball on a botched backward lateral attempt. Gauvain recovered the fumble and walked it into the endzone. "Suck it, you fuckers," she said. 
The Gooch forced another turnover on downs and took a 5-2 lead when Schell (with a lit cigarette in his mouth) hit Ness for the pair's third touchdown of the half.

With everything going against the Hogfathers, captain Matt Light took over at quarterback determined to be his team's savior: "I don't believe in God, but I have Jesus socks on."
Light helped turn the tide by closing out the half with five completions on six attempts and capping off three consecutive scoring drives with touchdown passes to Zawodni, Stone, and Dowling. The Hogfathers' defense also picked up the pace when Stone intercepted a pass from Schell, enabling his team to even the score before the halftime buzzer sounded.

HALFTIME SCORE
Hogfathers 5
The Gooch 5

SECOND HALF
The Hogfathers opened the second half with Zawodni back at quarterback and took the lead when he threw a touchdown pass to Light. On the next drive, Knopsnyder hauled in a Schell pass and was running down the sideline when Ramsey Daniels went in for the tackle and came up with a flag. However, it took a moment for everyone to realize that flag didn't belong to Knopsnyder, who in the meantime walked into the endzone unscathed. 

The teams kept pace when touchdown passes from Zawodni to Dowling and Schell to Ness made the score 7-7. Dowling's exuberant post-touchdown celebration caused his shoulder to pop out for the second time and it took both Tom Musial and Erick Williams to help pop it back in. "That's never needed two people before," said Dowling.
With the score tied 7-7, the teams were neck and neck. At this point in the game, however, the Hogfathers stepped up and took control. Light connected with Stone for the first of six unanswered scores. Zawodni threw touchdowns to Light, Daniels, and Dowling, then torched Schell for his second rushing touchdown of the day. "I didn't think he was that fast," said Schell. "He looks like 2009 Ben Roethlisberger," said Light. 

The Hogfathers' 6-0 run was made possible by their opportunistic defense, which ended four consecutive Gooch drives with interceptions. Musial and Daniels had the first two picks while Dowling added the next two, the last returned for a touchdown.

With the Hogfathers up 13-7 and time running short, the game was essentially over. Derrick Knopsnyder took over at quarterback for the Gooch and connected with Will Ness, who took it in for his fifth touchdown reception of the afternoon. Ron Renwick intercepted Zawodni and scored a garbage time pick-six touchdown. "Ron is more surprised than anyone," said Ness. Tom Musial closed out the scoresheet when he hauled in a Zawodni pass and managed to stay in bounds on his way to the endzone. The Gooch tried to mount one more drive, but the clock expired.

FINAL SCORE
Hogfathers 14
The Gooch 9

STATISTICS
Awards are voted on by the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sportswriters Association.

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER(S)
Matt Light & Ray Zawodni
For the first time in Super Fool history, the MVP award is shared by two players. It is only fitting that those two are Matt Light and Ray Zawodni, whose homoerotic bromance has led them to fix the draft every year so they end up on same team. Light claims to be the Shawn Michaels to Zawodni's Marty Jannetty, and the two always have each other's backs. When Light said "I don't think I'd be good at sucking dick," Zawodni quickly corrected him: "No, you're great at it."

It was impossible to choose between Light and Zawodni for the game's top player, as they were both instrumental to their team's win. With the exception of Dowling's interception return touchdown, they had a hand in every one of the Hogfathers' scoring plays.

Zawodni had ten total touchdowns and was all over the field, dominating in all phases of the game. He became the first player in Super Fool history to score passing, rushing, and receiving touchdowns in one half. He also protected the football as quarterback, giving up only one interception on 37 pass attempts, and added an interception of his own on defense.

Light was his team's most dangerous receiver, hauling in three touchdowns, and his near-perfect stint at quarterback came at a critical time and got the Hogfathers back in the game. He also turned in a self-described Richard Sherman-like performance on defense, with the Gooch failing to complete any passes toward his half of the field.

Light and Zawodni were not satisfied with their Super Fool success, but rather determined to let it ride: "Fuck Disney World," Light said. "We're going to Rivers Casino."

While they couldn't have done it without the help of their teammates, Light and Zawodni owe special thanks to the one person most responsible for making their MVP award possible: the trucker who hit Ed Bailey.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR & DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Ramsey Daniels
One player's standout performance inspired the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sportswriters Association to create two new awards to give to him. The winner of the first Rookie Of The Year and Defensive Player Of The Year awards is Ramsey Daniels.

Super Fool newcomer Daniels entered the game as an unknown but walked off the field as a gridiron star. Some speculated that he might "catch gay," but there was nothing gay about his debut performance on Sunday, except for the enthusiasm with which his "man-grabbing hands" stifled opponents. Referred to as "a tackling machine," Daniels led his team in tackles and added an interception and a receiving touchdown.

Daniels spent the afternoon matched up against the Gooch's most dominant player Will Ness, with the two engaging in one of the most hard-fought one-on-one battles in Super Fool history. While Ness turned in a game-high 11-catch, 5-touchdown performance, there's no telling how many more times he might have scored had Daniels not been all over him, as no one else had the height or grit to stop him. The highlight of their battle came when Tom Musial intercepted a pass and Daniels knocked Ness to the ground with a Hines Ward-like crackback block.  

BRAD RYAN SPIRIT AWARD
Senneca Stone
Named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a broken arm in Super Fool I, the Brad Ryan Spirit Award is given to a player who left it all on the field. While Dustin Dowling had his eye on it with his multiple shoulder separations, Senneca Stone ran away with this year's BRSA when he was knocked out of the game in the second half. In the midst of the Hogfathers' 6-0 run, Stone went up to pull in a Zawodni pass and came down with a possible concussion. "His head looked like a cantaloupe hitting the ground," said Light. After completing the Super Fool concussion protocol with a visit to the hospital (in classic Brad Ryan style), Stone now reports that he is okay. But his injury initially worried his teammates, with Collin Chamberlin checking up on him to "make sure he didn't go to sleep in the woods." When asked if he needed a ride home, Stone reportedly didn't remember whether he had driven himself to the field. Zawodni said: "I just asked Senneca if he was okay and he said 'Who's Senneca?'"

CORRECTIONS

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Super Fool VII Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
Just days before the game was scheduled to kick off, Pittsburgh comedians learned that the Steel Valley High School football field, longtime home of the Super Fool, was closed for renovations. "Fine," everyone thought, "we'll just find another high school to illegally bring beer to." After extensive deliberations, Woodland Hills High School was chosen for the honor of hosting Super Fool VII, the seventh annual Pittsburgh comedians flag football game.

Super Fool VII
Sunday, November 19, 2017
2:30 p.m.
Woodland Hills High School (soccer field behind the high school)
2550 Greensburg Pike, Pittsburgh, PA 15221

If anyone kneels during the National Anthem before this game, it'll probably just be because they have a vicious hangover and can barely stand up. Here are the teams:

Hogfathers (blue)
Matt Light (captain)
Ray Zawodni (1)
Dustin Dowling (4)
Senneca Stone (5)
Collin Chamberlin (8)
Tom Musial (12)
Chris Scriva (14)
Valerie Gauvain (15)

The Gooch (white)
Brandon Schell (captain)
Will Ness (2)
Derrick Knopsnyder (3)
Joey Welsh (6)
Ian McIntosh (7)
Ron Renwick (9)
Ramsey Daniels (10)
Erick Williams (11)
Sean Collier (13)

"I'll be MVP as always," said Hogfather captain Matt Light, who actually hasn't been MVP since 2014. Light said his draft strategy was to pick "the comics I like most." So if Light didn't pick you, it means he doesn't like you that much. The feeling is undoubtedly mutual.

The Gooch captain Brandon Schell personally doesn't give a shit about any of his players, saying he picked them based solely on athleticism. When Light said his team was funnier, Schell countered: "Hopefully you can use dope punchlines to score TDs."

There has been no lack of trash talk in the lead-up to Super Fool VII. Schell said former Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Tom Musial is "washed up," but Light called him "the steal of the draft" and said he intended to use him like James Harrison. Musial noted that he's already paid his health insurance deductible for the year, so any injuries he suffers can be treated for free. 

Schell said he planned to have Derrick Knopsnyder covering Light all game. Light said "good" and posted a photo indicating that Knopsnyder would be choked out "as soon as he opens his mouth."
Collin Chamberlin also had a warning for Knopsnyder: "I'm going to destroy you, bitch. This ain't NACA." Chamberlin is coming back to the Super Fool with a vengeance, having lost weight since last year and claiming he's now in good enough shape to run the shallow routes. "I want the rock on Sunday," he said.

Chamberlin's not the only one who's lost weight. "I have the skinny, rejuvenated Ron Renwick," said Schell. Light said the new, emaciated Renwick "looks like a golf tee with his big round-ass head." Renwick could be important to game's outcome given that he is the only player on Schell's team with any Super Fool quarterback experience (one pass attempt) and boasts an all-time perfect passer rating (having thrown a TD on that one pass).

Schell said he would quarterback his own team: "I got cannon baby!" Chamberlin added: "Too bad he doesn't have good grammar." Schell was unfazed: "Tight spirals, loose buttholes!"

One major storyline for Super Fool VII will be the consequences of the blockbuster trade that occurred immediately following the draft. After Schell accepted Light's offer to swap Joey Welsh and Ramsey Daniels for Senneca Stone and Valerie Gauvain, Light revealed that Stone had played quarterback in high school. Schell said that's fine, as Stone "hasn't been in high school for fifteen years." Light pointed out that Stone's quarterback experience was nevertheless fifteen years more recent than anyone on Schell's team. "I gave you Senneca because your team sucked," Schell said.  

Light has such confidence in Stone that he traded for him even though it meant also accepting a woman on his roster. 
Valerie Gauvain will have an opportunity to shove it in the faces of these chauvinist pigs and will be looking to follow in the footsteps of Blair Parker, who was the last overall pick in Super Fool VI but proved everyone wrong and took home the Brad Ryan Spirit Award. 

With so many Super Fool first-timers whose skill levels are unknown, speculation is rampant. Ray Zawodni opined that "Ramsey Daniels might be good as long as he doesn't catch gay." On Sunday, Daniels will have an opportunity to show the world whether his catching skills are in fact gay. 

Also making his Super Fool debut, Ian McIntosh is up against the assumption that he'll be good just because he's black, but he's mainly happy it's flag football and not tackle, because then his mom wouldn't have let him play. Schell said McIntosh is skinny so he should be able to run well, but McIntosh said he has asthma and is allergic to grass. We'll find out on Sunday if he was joking or if his throat will close up. Either way, it should be a good game.


Monday, September 11, 2017

Secret White House Tape From September 10, 2001 Reveals Bush And Cheney Planning The 9/11 Attacks

By James J. Hamilton
In the culmination of years of investigation, intrepid reporters at www.jamesjhamilton.net have obtained exclusive access to the verified transcript of a secret White House audio tape containing a September 10, 2001 Oval Office conversation between President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney in which the two can be heard explicitly planning the 9/11 attacks that would take place the following day. At long last, the 9/11 Truth movement has the final, undeniable evidence proving that we were right the whole time! You sheeple who ridiculed us for all those years must feel pretty dumb right now, don't you? Read it and weep:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
SEPTEMBER 10, 2001
11:42 AM EST

CHENEY
Mr. President, I just wanted to let you know that we're all set for tomorrow morning’s operation.

BUSH
What operation?

CHENEY
The New York and Washington attacks, sir.

BUSH
Oh yeah, that. I forgot all about it.

CHENEY
Did you read that book I gave you on the Reichstag Fire?

BUSH
Yes—well, I sort of skimmed it while I was watching the ballgame. You should get me a Cliffs Notes version. What’re we doing exactly?

CHENEY
We’re going to hijack four commercial airplanes and fly them into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

BUSH
Okay, sounds good.

CHENEY
We’re making it look like Islamic terrorists did it, so we can go to war in the Middle East and take control of its oil.

BUSH
Well, you know how much I like oil! So that’s it then, just hijacking some planes?

CHENEY
Actually, no—our structural engineers have determined that crashing planes into the Twin Towers won’t cause them to collapse. Even if the planes are full of jet fuel, the fires wouldn’t burn hot enough to collapse the buildings, so we are also going to have them wired with explosives.

BUSH
Okay—wait, why do we need the buildings to collapse? Wouldn’t just crashing planes into them cause enough terror to justify the war?

CHENEY
Maybe, but we don’t want to take any chances. We’d like to collapse the buildings and get the death toll up to really sell this thing.

BUSH
Go big or go home, right. But why do we need the planes then? If we’re going to collapse the buildings with explosives, why do we need to fly planes into them first? Couldn’t we just make it look like terrorists blew them up with explosives? They did try to do that in 1993, right?

CHENEY
Yes, but the type and amount of explosives needed are beyond the terrorists’ capabilities. Also, they wouldn’t have the access required to wire the whole building in secret—so people can’t know explosives were involved or they’ll know it wasn’t really terrorists.

BUSH
But if the engineers say the buildings can’t collapse by the planes alone, won’t it be obvious that explosives were involved and that the terrorists couldn’t have done it? That we were behind it? Jesus, vice, I can’t have this thing blowing back on me!

CHENEY
Nothing to worry about. The investigation into what happened will be conducted by our people and they’ll make sure all the reports say that the planes alone did it and there were no explosives.

BUSH
Nice. That’s it for the World Trade Center, then?

CHENEY
Yes, that’s it—apart from the demolition of World Trade Center Building 7.

BUSH
What’s Building 7?

CHENEY
That’s where the Secret Service and CIA offices are located in New York. There’s a lot of secret stuff in there that has to do with how we planned the attacks, so we have to blow up the building to destroy the evidence. Can’t leave a paper trail.

BUSH
Right, blowing up the building would be the simplest way to get rid of that evidence. So does a third plane hit Building 7?

CHENEY
No, we’re just using explosives on that one.

BUSH
Just explosives? Then what are we going to say happened?

CHENEY
The building’s going to be on fire, so we figured we’ll just let it burn all day, then blow it up around 5 p.m. and blame it on the fire.

BUSH
Smokescreen. And in Washington, a plane hits the Pentagon, right?

CHENEY
Well, yes and no. We’re going to hijack a plane and make it look like it crashed into the Pentagon, but really we’re just going to hit the Pentagon with a cruise missile.

BUSH
A cruise missile—why the hell would we do that?

CHENEY
Honestly, sir, I’m not quite sure—but the Jews specifically requested that we do it this way and, as you know, around here what they say goes.

BUSH
Obviously. What’s going to happen to the plane and all the passengers?

CHENEY
Um, the Jews are taking them. I don’t know what they’re doing with them. I don’t ask questions.

BUSH
Me either. Except when’s lunch… Seriously, I’m ready for lunch, are we done here?

CHENEY
Almost. We haven’t talked about the fourth plane.

BUSH
A fourth plane? Are we flying it into the Capitol Building or something? Please tell me it’s not the White House. I have a lot of nice stuff here.

CHENEY
Don’t worry, the fourth plane is going to crash in the middle of nowhere.

BUSH
Okay—why?

CHENEY
We’re going to make it look like heroic passengers took the plane back from the hijackers. Everyone can rally around that and it’ll be a great first step towards war.

BUSH
I guess that makes sense. So we just crash the plane into the ground?

CHENEY
Not quite. We’re going to shoot it down with a fighter jet.

BUSH
And why are we doing that?

CHENEY
Again, the Jews—

BUSH
Doesn’t matter. Sounds like there are a lot of moving parts here. How many people are involved on our end?

CHENEY
A couple thousand, tops.

BUSH
Are we sure we can keep a tight lid on all this?

CHENEY
No one will say anything, ever.

BUSH
Good. Like I said before, I can’t have this getting back to me. Did you get me an alibi?

CHENEY
Yes, you’ll be in Florida reading to schoolchildren when it all goes down.

BUSH
Reading? C’mon, vice, you know I don’t like reading. What book?

CHENEY
Don’t worry, I’ll get you a Cliffs Notes version.

BUSH
Sweet. Is it lunchtime now?

END TRANSCRIPT

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Ranking The 5 Worst Ariana Grande Concerts Ever

By James J. Hamilton
5. San Francisco, CA - September 8, 2015
Battling a cold and cough, Grande looked lost amid a too-busy stage production at the Shoreline Amphitheater. Fireworks and special effects couldn't make up for the pop diva's lack of charisma and her failure to interact with fans.

4. Milwaukee, WI - February 28, 2015
The 2015 Honeymoon Tour was Grande's first time headlining arenas, and it showed. Featuring cringeworthy video cameos by Big Sean and Mac Miller, her uninspired performance at the BMO Harris Bradley Center felt like a dress rehearsal.

3. St. Paul, MN - March 1, 2015
Grande's voice is her strong suit, but it was buried beneath an over-produced show marred by bad lighting, bad costumes, and too many backup dancers. And who thought distorted vocal effects would be a good idea?   

2. Manchester, UK - May 22, 2017
Suicide bomber Salman Abedi blew himself up during Grande's concert at Manchester Arena, killing 22 people and injuring 119 others. The victims included many children and teenagers. ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack.

1. San Jose, CA - March 27, 2017 
Barely visible on a dimly-lit stage with an overactive fog machine, Grande drifted through song after subpar song, her phoned-in vocals failing to reach the heights of the studio versions. Performing a bad setlist with a lot of filler, the singer showed zero personality and made no attempt to connect with the crowd. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

At State Of The Union Address, Justice Kennedy Weighs Whether To Let Trump Replace Him Or Cling To Power Till Death

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—When 80 year old Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy attended Donald Trump’s first State of the Union Address last week, the up-close-and-personal look at the new president reportedly prompted the 1987 Reagan appointee to face the difficult decision whether to retire and let Trump replace him or cling to office until the cold hand of death pries the scepter of power from his fingers. 

As the Supreme Court's swing vote, Kennedy has bent the Constitution to his will with impunity for two decades, repeatedly breaking with his fellow Republican-appointed colleagues to author landmark opinions in favor of abortion and gay rights. 

With former clerks suggesting the Court's longest-serving member is on the fence about a possible resignation at the end of this year's term, Kennedy will soon decide whether protecting his legacy for a few more years is worth forgoing a relaxing retirement to instead die at his desk. 

To make his choice, Kennedy must weigh the extent to which a Trump-appointed replacement might erode his maverick jurisprudence against the abject terror of continuing to hold his seat in stubborn defiance of advanced age and medical reality.

Conspicuous by her absence at Trump's speech was Kennedy's oldest and most liberal colleague, 83 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. A cancer survivor who fell asleep at President Obama's 2015 State of the Union and later admitted she "wasn't 100% sober" at the time, Ginsburg recently signaled that she has no intention of retiring and will serve as a potent example for Kennedy as he considers the physical and mental cost of remaining on the Court as the Grim Reaper creeps ever closer.   

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Disney's Hall Of Presidents Selling Unneeded Animatronic Hillary Clinton On eBay As A Sex Robot

By James J. Hamilton
ORLANDO—Amid recent news that realistic sex robots are hitting markets across the globe, Disney World's Hall of Presidents is reportedly selling its now-useless animatronic Hillary Clinton on eBay as a sex robot.

Disney, which grossed $2 billion at the box office on Star Wars: The Force Awakens, refuses to simply throw the robot in the trash. Disney CEO Bob Iger said "Look, we wouldn't be a $150 billion dollar company if we passed up opportunities to make a buck."

Though the minimum bid was initially set at one dollar, Iger expects bidding to skyrocket once news of the auction reaches the alt-right, whose members' inability to attract real women makes it the ideal market for sex robots.

If the Hillary robot fetches a good price, Disney may dust off its superfluous John McCain and Mitt Romney animatronics and put them on the sex robot auction block next. "There's definitely someone out there," Iger said, "who would pay to be tag-teamed by McCain and Romney." 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump Enjoys 95% Approval Rating With Nation's Fastest Growing Demographic: Dudes Who Leave Comments On Porn Sites

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—Pollsters say President Trump's approval rating has soared to an astonishing 95% among the nation’s fastest growing demographic: Dudes who leave comments on porn sites.

"Comment sections didn't really exist on porn sites when President Obama first took office," said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports, "but the percentage of Americans leaving comments on porn videos has skyrocketed in the last few years." Pollster Frank Luntz warned: "Dudes who comment on porn videos are now a substantial voting bloc that can't be ignored. If Democrats can't break into that demographic, they're going to be in the minority for a long time."

PornHub user Hard_Cock_69, who commented that a video entitled "18 Year Old Slut Who Loves Anal" was "so hot i just jacked it twice in a porta potty at work lol," said he supports Trump's travel ban and believes the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals misapplied the standard of review for temporary restraining orders when it struck down the policy. 

"OMG I came so hard I almost jizzed in my own face," commented YouPorn user Epic69Boner420 in response to "Squirting Asian Schoolgirls Spanked Hard In Detention." Saying he voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson but has warmed up to Trump somewhat since the election, Epic69Boner420 praised Trump's nomination of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court and expressed excitement about Gorsuch's record of skepticism toward the Chevron doctrine, a precedent requiring courts to defer to executive agencies' interpretations of ambiguous statutes. 

Rasmussen and Luntz said Trump's approval rating hits 99% when the polling sample is narrowed to dudes who leave racist comments on interracial porn videos. PornTube user BigDicKKK1933, a rare member of that sampling group who does not support Trump, explained his opposition to the president by saying: "He let his daughter marry a Jew." BigDicKKK1933 added that the video "White MILF Takes Two Giant Black Cocks" is "a perfect example of why 9/11 happened."