By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
PITTSBURGH—On Sunday, November 22nd, Pittsburgh comedians will gather at Steel Valley High School's Campbell Field to participate in Super Fool V, the fifth annual comedians' flag football game. Last night, captains Ray Zawodni and Brad Ryan drafted their teams at the Beerhive. Here's a preview of the matchup:
ZAWODNI & SONS
Captain: Ray Zawodni
1. Matt Light
2. Jeff Konkle
3. Dustin Dowling
4. Day Bracey
5. Derrick Knopsnyder
6. Collin Chamberlin
7. Will Ness
8. PJ Williams
9. Holly Price
10. Brandon Schell
Ray Zawodni's Zawodni & Sons are two-time defending champions and will be going for an unprecedented three-peat on Sunday. Zawodni said his draft strategy was to focus on players with "character and heart" and guys who "if I was a woman, I'd have sex with." Luckily for his team, Zawodni's spank bank contains many talented football players.
|Matt Light looks like Mike Sasson's Mini-Me in this photo|
Looking to repeat last year's success, Zawodni repeated his last year's first overall pick and selected Matt Light, "son of famous alcoholic Fred Light" and reigning MVP. Light showed that he fits Zawodni's "character and heart" criteria by explaining that he intends to take "cheap shots" on Sunday. Light also discussed plans to gain energy by doing cocaine before the game, provided he could confirm whether playing on cocaine was likely to cause cardiac arrest.
Second round pick Jeff Konkle performed well in last year's game, and Zawodni suggested that Konkle has even more to play for this year because he now has a child to support. Konkle said he was glad to have put his time in at junior college so he has an education to fall back on if his football career doesn't pan out.
Early in the draft, Light said it looks like "we're an all white team." When Zawodni then selected Day Bracey, Light said "Day doesn't really change that." It remains to be seen what impact Day Bracey, an unknown talent, will have on the game. Many assume he'll be good just because he's black, but he was a high draft pick prior to Super Fool II and didn't show up to the game. The availability of Bracey and Derrick Knopsnyder (described as having a 50/50 likelihood of playing Sunday) could have a major effect on the game's outcome.
Sixth round pick Collin Chamberlin dismissed reports that he would eat a lot of Mighty Kids Meals before the game, mainly because the McDonald's by his house doesn't sell them anymore. Instead, Chamberlin said Zawodni made him sign a contract agreeing to eat healthy and that he planned to eat only a couple of handfuls of Chex Mix and drink some tea. Upon hearing reports that Zawodni intends to show up to the game drunk, Chamberlin said it was "extremely unsettling" that he was forced to sign a contract to stay healthy.
|"Collin Chamberlin shouldn't be playin no sports. He crazy."|
After drafting potential sleeper Will Ness in the seventh round, Zawodni appointed Matt Light as co-captain and delegated drafting responsibilities to Light so he could go downstairs and eat wings. Light proceeded to assert full control over the team and purported to change its name to "The Kliq." It remains to be seen whether Zawodni can lead his team or whether he is a figurehead manipulated by puppetmaster Matt Light in a nefarious plot to ensure Super Fool victory.
Whoever is leading Zawodni & Sons, the team may be considered the favorite to win on Sunday and achieve the coveted three-peat. Zawodni said his rival captain Brad Ryan "is lucky we're not playing tackle, because Brad has fragile wrists." Sources say Zawodni's own wrists are very strong due to his past career as a fluffer, and that he still exercises his right wrist several times a day, while wistfully recalling personal favorite memories from his fluffer days.
Mat Light is bringing two bottles of champagne to the game for the winning team's celebration. If things go his way, he and Zawodni could both be looking at another Super Fool title and another DUI.
Captain: Brad Ryan
1. Ed Bailey
2. Mike Sasson
3. Aaron Kleiber
4. Ron Renwick
6. Ryan Garasich
7. Alex Stypula
8. Zack Roach
9. Sean Collier
10. Harry Gilliland
11. Amanda Averell
|A blurry photo of Brad Ryan (or possibly Bigfoot) at the draft|
Brad Ryan's STDs are likely to flare up and inflict lots of pain this Sunday. Additionally, Brad's team is also named the STDs and they too are looking to have a big day on Sunday. 48-year-old Ryan, the self-described Joe Paterno of the comedy scene, said his draft strategy was to pick players who would be likely to punch him if they were on the opposing team. He also said he would've been his own first pick, implicitly indicating that he wants to punch himself.
Ryan's first pick was Ed Bailey, the top player on the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers Association's pre-draft power rankings. Bailey was the Super Fool III MVP and has consistently shown himself to be the most talented athlete on the field. His team needs him to have another big game if they're going to win.
Second round pick Mike Sasson said his team "has to go out and perform on Sunday. It's all about executing, overcoming adversity, maintaining composure, perseverance, conditioning, discipline, teamwork, electrolytes..." When asked if he had confidence in his team captain, Sasson said "In the history of all the captains I've played for, Brad Ryan will be one of them."
Quarterback Aaron Kleiber, the STDs' third round pick, is looking to erase the memory of last year's dismal five-interception performance and return to the form he showed in prior Super Fools. Matt Light suggested Ryan's selection of Kleiber would all but guarantee victory for Zawodni & Sons. Collin Chamberlin said he was happy to be playing against Kleiber because he wants to get the easiest interception possible, but quickly added that he loves performing on Comedy Sauce at the Pleasure Bar and it's always a great show. In the face of such criticism, Kleiber has some serious grown man business to do on Sunday. His performance could be the key to the entire game.
|Ron Renwick proudly displays his signing bonus|
Fourth round pick Ron Renwick was drafted far earlier than he should've been based on the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers Association's pre-draft power rankings, but he will have a chance to show his true value on Sunday. Upon joining the STDs, Renwick received a lucrative signing bonus from Ryan in the form of a free can of paint. Though he was initially questionable for the game, Renwick has since talked to his fiancé and confirmed that he is indeed allowed to come out and play on Sunday.
The STDs' roster has impressive depth, including players such as T-Robe and Ryan Garasich, who both excelled in last year's game, along with Alex Stypula, who is looking to recapture his Super Fool II glory. They could be good value players if you're planning to get in on the daily fantasy action on Draft Kings and Fan Duel, where tons of money is being put down on this game.
While Vegas odds slightly favor a repeat victory by the defending champions, Zawodni & Sons should take care not to get cocky or, like countless women on dating sites throughout the greater Pittsburgh area, they too could be unpleasantly surprised by Brad Ryan's STDs.
Super Fool V
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Campbell Field, Steel Valley High School