“There Is No Such Thing As A Brontosaurus,” Exacting Dad Informs Disillusioned 8 Year Old Son

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—A local 8 year old boy’s budding fascination with dinosaurs was dealt a serious blow yesterday when his father bluntly informed him that there is no dinosaur called “Brontosaurus.”  

Bob Troutman was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper after dinner Monday evening when his wife Debra asked their son Kevin what his favorite dinosaur was. Kevin, who was playing with dinosaur toys on the living room floor at the time, held up the figure of a long-necked herbivore and said enthusiastically “Brontosaurus!” This declaration prompted Troutman to look up from his newspaper and tell his son that “there is no Brontosaurus.”

He advised the third grader that, while it is true that in 1879 paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh announced the discovery of a new species of dinosaur which he called Brontosaurus and unveiled a near-complete skeleton that captured the public imagination, one must never forget that Elmer Riggs subsequently published a paper in the 1903 edition of Geological Series of the Field Columbian Museum arguing that Brontosaurus was exactly the same as another species Marsh himself had discovered in 1877 and named Apatosaurus.

Over his son’s loud sobbing and his wife’s pleas to “just let it go,” Troutman went on to explain that Riggs’s opinion has come to be universally accepted and that, according to rules of the International Code of Zoological Nomenclature, the name Apatosaurus takes precedence because it was published first and is hence the dinosaur’s official name.  

After receiving this information, Kevin dropped his toys and ran out of the living room in tears. He was last seen throwing a rock through the window of a warehouse down the street from his home with two other boys whom his grandmother has described as “juvenile delinquents.”

Troutman reportedly spent the remainder of the evening composing a long discourse intended to refute his 6 year old daughter’s continued belief in the Tooth Fairy.

Fantasy Football Preview: Aaron Hernandez’s draft value shaped by Gronkowski injury, potential murder charges

By James J. Hamilton

Every fantasy owner wants to get his hands on one of the few top tier tight ends, but you need to do your homework to make the right pick and avoid overreaching on draft day.  The subject of today’s draft preview: Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez.  Hernandez has put up impressive numbers in each of his three NFL seasons, but his draft value will likely be affected by two developing storylines: (1) the status of fellow Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski’s back injury and (2) whether or not Hernandez has committed murder.

Gronkowski, who caught 11 TDs in only 11 games last year and set an NFL record in 2011 for the most TDs ever scored by a tight end with 18, has been QB Tom Brady’s top target in recent years.  However, he underwent back surgery on June 18 and there have been significant questions about his status for opening day.  If Gronkowski is unable to start the season, Hernandez could see more redzone targets, provided of course that he has not by that time already been charged with the murder of Odin Lloyd, whose body was found in an industrial park about one mile from Hernandez’s home on June 17.

Hernandez, a former Florida Gators star whose lawyer denied has already been charged with interfering with a murder investigation, has shared time with Gronkowski in an offense that Bill Belichick has built around extensive use of two tight end formations.  With top WR Wes Welker departing for Denver and Gronkowski’s health an issue, Hernandez could become the focus of Brady’s prolific aerial assault, much as his home has been the focus of the Massachusetts State Police’s investigation into Lloyd’s death, which is being called a homicide.  Lloyd was shot multiple times and has been described as an “associate” of Hernandez, who has not been ruled out as a suspect despite his breakout rookie season in 2010 and a sophomore campaign in 2011 where he put up career highs in receptions, yards, and TDs.  Hernandez was at a Boston bar with Lloyd the night before his body was found and caught only 5 TDs last year in an injury-plagued season in which he played only 10 games. 

But Hernandez’s ankle is supposedly back to 100% and, even though he is being sued for allegedly shooting a man in the face in an unrelated incident in February, many analysts see him as a potential fantasy stud for 2013.  Others think Gronkowski’s injury problems have been exaggerated and that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s strict policy of suspending players who hurt the league’s image is likely to affect a player who destroyed his cell phone and home security system and hired a cleaning service to “scrub” his mansion.  A panel of fantasy experts projected Hernandez to get 65-75 receptions and 8-10 TDs this year, but that was before police searched his home and removed ten bags of evidence.    

Some analysts point to Ray Lewis as proof that involvement in a murder doesn’t have to get in the way of putting up big numbers, but cautious fantasy owners may want to look elsewhere to fill their tight end slot.  Saints TE Jimmy Graham’s stats dropped off slightly from 2011 to 2012, but he has consistently been suspected of zero killings in each of the last three seasons.  Falcons TE Tony Gonzalez, who turned 37 years old this offseason, caught 93 passes last year and has never obstructed justice in his 17 year NFL career.  Both are solid options.

James J. Hamilton is an experienced fantasy football player who dominated the regular season in both of his leagues last year before spectacularly flaming out in the playoffs.  In 2010, he drafted LB Rolando McClain in the 6th round and drunkenly touted him as the next Patrick Willis (McClain recently retired after three disappointing seasons and multiple arrests).  He last won a fantasy football league in 2005.

NSA Employee In Charge Of Monitoring Our Facebook Accounts Not Too Thrilled About It Either

By James J. Hamilton

 

WASHINGTON—John Wolfe, an NSA employee assigned to the agency’s PRISM program, told reporters Wednesday that, like many ordinary Americans, he too wants the program to be shut down.  He said the outrage expressed by citizens who consider the program an invasion of privacy is “nothing” compared to the outrage he feels about “having to spend 80 fucking hours a week” reading those citizens’ Facebook profiles.  “I have PhDs in mathematics and cryptology.  If I have to read one more status update about Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy weight gain, I’m going to commit a terrorist attack.”  Wolfe added that the program isn’t even effective because there is simply too much data for him to keep up with. “Al-Qaeda could be using Farmville to send coded messages to sleeper cells and I wouldn’t know a thing about it because there’s no way I can analyze every goddamn Farmville request.”

Praise For James J. Hamilton

By James J. Hamilton

When you spend a few years tearing up the comedy scene like I have, you gain a lot of admirers.  Here are some of the incredible things that have been said about yours truly:

“He’s a funny dude.” – Mike Wysocki

“What an incredible piece of shit!” – Joyce W.

“I heard great things about him.” – Matt Wohlfarth

“What an ignorant piece of shit!” – Joyce W.

 “A very funny gentleman.” – Tommy Kupiec

“You fucking piece of shit!” – Joyce W.

“Brilliantly funny.” – Brad Ryan

 “A piece of shit.” – Chase C.

“A very middle-of-the-road comedian who never ever ever courts any sort of controversy whatsoever.” – Ben Kenny

“If James J. Hamilton is allowed to perform, there will be some sort of disruption and/or protest of the event.  There are many more folks besides myself who have been keeping an eye on this guy and do not wish him to ever perform in public again.  This is not some kind of threat, but just a fact.” – Alecia R.

“Very funny and sometimes gets drinks thrown on him.” – Erick Williams

“You sick fuck.” – Joanna S.

“A delightful peach.” – Derek Minto

“A disgusting excuse for a person.” – Evan F.

“He is, in fact, a gentleman.” – Aaron Kleiber

“You insensitive waste of human life.” – Matt K.

“I love this guy.” – Justin Markuss

“If this piece of shit ends up getting his ass beat for the disgusting things coming out of his mouth, he’s going to deserve every last bit of what happens to him.” – Evan F.

“A very funny motherfucker.” – Mark McCall

"James: Thanks for loving rape jokes." – Anthony Jeselnik

“I hope you find your way into prison so you can see just how funny rape is.” – Matt K.

“A civil rights hero.” – Alex Stypula

“I will defend to the death your right to blahblahblah I hope you get kicked in the dick.” – Adam S.

“A veritable man.” – Robert X

“Pig.” – Emily S.

“He’s a comic.” – Sam C. Moore (quoted in the Steubenville Herald-Star)

“It’s cute that you consider yourself a comic.” – Davon M.

“He’s a fantastic comic as far as I’m concerned.” – Derek Minto

“The fact is that this dude is not fucking funny!  Have you read the stuff he posts online?  It’s couched in sexism/racism or it’s about Natalie Portman.  His jokes are banal, boring, and juvenile.  I’d rather read Family Circus.” – Alecia R.

“You are really, really funny.  Your writing is awesome.” – John Chamberlin

“Fuck you, James Hamilton, you fucking piece of shit!  You suck!” – Alecia R.

“I like you, James.” – Aaron Kleiber

“I hope James Hamilton never gets a show anywhere ever again!” – Alecia R.

“He and I are on a show this weekend in Lower Burrell because we fucking made it!” – Dan Jenniches

“Must have been dropped a couple of times when you were a baby, huh?” – Linda L.

“One of my favorite comedians in Pittsburgh, and I’m not just saying that because he’s standing right over there.  That’s an actual opinion I have.” – John Dick Winters

“Would he think it was funny if he got his ass beat?  I doubt it.  Guess who would laugh.  Me.” – Ryan W.

“He is one of the best comedians not only in Pittsburgh but in the world itself.  People blow him and shower him with cocaine daily.” – Ben Kenny

“Dude, you got issues.” – Beau L.

“James J. Hamilton is this generation’s James J. Hamilton.” – James J. Hamilton

James J. Hamilton's Second Annual Natalie Portman Hanukkah Celebration

By James J. Hamilton

Last December, I (a Gentile) celebrated the eight crazy nights of Hanukkah by posting eight pictures of my favorite Jew (the lovely Natalie Portman) with hilarious captions written by me (which can be viewed here).  A year has gone by and my hard drive has accumulated over 600 new pictures of Natalie, so here we go again:

Day 1

"Dr. Portman, Mr. Hamilton is here for another prostate exam."

Day 2

Never in my life have I wanted a hand job so badly.

Day 3

Pulp Fiction prequel idea: Natalie plays Walken's character, I play the watch.

Day 4

It's a good thing I wasn't invited to this, because I hear Holocaust boners are frowned upon.

Day 5

Anakin: "The Force tells me one of us will win an Oscar someday."
Amidala: "Yeah... it probably won't be you."

Day 6

I got 99 problems and not being able to get this close to Natalie Portman is one.

Day 7

"James J. Hamilton loves you and will let you go as soon as you say it back."

Day 8

Natalie Portman watching "Comedy Central Presents James J. Hamilton"(This should make you feel really lazy and uncreative about the things you masturbate to)

Happy Hanukkah!

RECAP: Super Fool II, the Second Annual Pittsburgh Comedians' Football Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

HOMESTEAD, PA—These were fish out of water.  "It's weird.  I've never seen any of you in the daytime.  Or outside," said Amber Schiefer.  Most of the "competitors" probably couldn't remember the last time they were awake before noon on a Sunday.  It's safe to say nobody was skipping church for this one.  "This is within 100 yards of a school.  I shouldn't be here," said Aaron Reiber.  There was no Gatorade on the sideline, but the game's unofficial sponsor—Colt 45—was flowing before the first snap.  "We have beer on school property, so if the cops show up..."  Several players smelled like weed.  The football gods were weeping blood.

GAME 1

Anal Avengers (Captain John Pridmore, John Dick Winters, Alex Stypula, Shannon Norman, Drew Kennedy, Brandon Rickard, Zach Funk)

vs.

Zawodni & Sons (Captain Ray Zawodni, Mark Mammone, Isaac Kozell, Gordon Duchene, Vincent Didiano, Ed K. [last name redacted])

"I had two bites of a frosty for breakfast—let's play," said Shannon "The Kid" Norman.  But the Anal Avengers weren't quite ready to compete.  Within minutes of the opening snap, Ray Zawodni and Mark Mammone of Zawodni & Sons had returned interceptions for touchdowns.  When Mammone threw a touchdown pass to Zawodni to make it 3-0, Anal Avenger Zach Funk was confused: "I thought it was our ball."  Shannon Norman explained the Anal Avengers' collapse: "We're choking because this is the most people we've ever performed in front of."

But the game wasn't quite over.  Zach Funk made some impressive defensive stops.  The score was 5-2 after Alex Stypula threw a touchdown pass and caught one.  "He's running like he's crossing the state line after a homicide," said Funk.  Drew Kennedy still had faith in the Anal Avengers' ability to "come from behind."

However, Ray Zawodni made sure no such comeback would materialize, turning in a 4 interception performance that powered his team to a 7-2 blowout victory and earned it a spot in the championship game.

Final score

Zawodni & Sons 7, Anal Avengers 2

Notable statistics

Ray Zawodni : 4 interceptions (1 returned for TD), 2 passing TDs, 1 receiving TD

Mark Mammone: 1 interception (returned for TD), 1 passing TD, 1 rushing TD

Alex Stypula: 1 passing TD, 1 receiving TD, 2 vomits

GAME 2

Percocet (Captain Dan Jenniches, Ed Bailey, Drew Rodgers, Amber Schiefer, Derek Minto, Arden Nicoletta)

vs.

The Revolution (Captain Matt Light, Aaron Kleiber, Aaron Reiber, Zach Roach, Gio Attisano, Dustin Dowling)

The epic matchup between Percocet and The Revolution was a protracted, fiercely contested struggle that actually came to resemble something like an athletic competition.  Receivers and defensive backs collided violently.  Players tackled each other instead of grabbing flags.  Dan Jenniches reported taking shots to the nuts.  Dustin Dowling's shoulder was coming out of its socket like a fifteen year old John Pridmore coming out of the closet.  "You guys should take your comedy this seriously," said Shannon Norman.

The play of the game happened early when Arden Nicoletta's pass intended for Dan Jenniches was intercepted by Dustin Dowling after the ball popped up into the air when Jenniches collided with a defender.  It looked like Dowling would take it all the way for an easy pick-6 when Ed Bailey came out of nowhere to chase Dowling down and prevent a touchdown.

The scoring began when Aaron Kleiber's touchdown passes to Matt Light and Aaron Reiber put The Revolution ahead 2-0.  Ed Bailey soon evened it up with scoring throws to Dan Jenniches and Drew Rodgers.

The game then turned into a heated defensive battle, with many drives ending in a turnover on downs or an interception.  "Right here, fuckface," said Derek Minto as he held up an opponent's flag after making a first-down-preventing stop.  

As the contest dragged on, those watching on the sidelines grew distracted.  "You got nice nipples," Ray Zawodni told John Winters.  Zawodni later called to Dan Jenniches: "Lemme see some nip.  You never show nip on the first date, do you?"  We found out Ray Zawodni has a thing for dudes' nipples, but with the score locked up at 4-4 we were no closer to learning who would prevail in this clash of relative titans.

Percocet went on to show some serious athleticism.  Captain Dan Jenniches racked up 10 receptions in a Wes Welker-like performance.  "He's Heath Miller-ing me," said defensive back Dustin Dowling.  "Ed Bailey is fucking fast," said Aaron Kleiber, who was intercepted twice by Bailey.

However, The Revolution would ultimately pull out a win with a workmanlike, all-around team performance.  Matt Light's 3 interceptions and Aaron Kleiber's 5 touchdown passes helped The Revolution outlast Percocet and make it to the finals.

Final score

The Revolution 6, Percocet 4

Notable statistics

Matt Light: 3 interceptions (1 returned for touchdown), 1 forced fumble, 1 receiving TD

Aaron Kleiber: 5 passing TDs

Aaron Reiber: 2 receiving TDs

Gio Attisano: 2 receiving TDs

Dustin Dowling: 1 interception, 2 shoulder pop-outs

Dan Jenniches: 10 receptions, 2 receiving TDs

Ed Bailey: 3 interceptions, 2 passing TDs

Drew Rodgers: 1 interception, 1 rushing TD, 1 receiving TD, 1 passing TD

CONSOLATION GAME 

(aka "The GayFC Championship Game")

Percocet vs. Anal Avengers

With the Anal Avengers getting bulldozed in their first game and Percocet putting up an impressive performance in a narrow defeat, spectators expected the third place consolation game to be a forgettable blowout.  The ensuing contest was indeed a lopsided shutout victory for Percocet, but it was accompanied by such outrageous shenanigans that it is destined to live forever as a legendary episode in the annals (anals?) of Pittsburgh comedy history.

The antics began when the teams were taking the field ("I'm drunk," said John Pridmore) and Anal Avengers first overall draft pick John Winters took his pants off, stripping down to his (blue) tighty whities.  Referee Brandon Johnson tried to salvage decorum by insisting that the game could not start until Winters put his pants back on.  However, like the Indianapolis Colts players who shaved their heads to support their coach going through chemotherapy, three of Winters' teammates showed their solidarity by similarly stripping down to their underwear.  Confronted with this "I'm Spartacus" situation, the referee had no choice but to allow the game to proceed with Winters, Alex Stypula, John Pridmore, and Brandon Rickard indecently exposed (Shannon Norman opted to keep his capri pants on).

Onlookers were stunned and titillated.  "Who doesn't have a boner right now?  I am raging," said Dustin Dowling.  "Alex Stypula has a swimmer's ass," said Aaron Kleiber. 

The game opened with Winters throwing a pass to a wide-open Pridmore, who failed to catch the ball because he had a can of beer in his hand.  Later, the Anal Avengers nearly received a delay of game penalty because Pridmore was "posing for sexy pictures" on the sideline.

One of said "sexy pictures"

The shenanigans culminated with quarterback John Winters sexually molesting center Alex Stypula prior to the snap in an unspeakable episode that can only be interpreted as relegating John Pridmore to the status of third-gayest player on his team.

This reporter has been unable to confirm whether penetration occurred

In all this chaos, many people (including most of the Anal Avengers' players) forgot there was a football game going on.  When the smoke (or men's sauna steam?) cleared, Percocet had completely destroyed their scantily-clad opponents in a lightning-quick 5-0 victory.  Ed Bailey had three interceptions, saying "I'm not letting these motherfuckers catch the ball, because I'm not touching them."  Amber Schiefer capped off this abortion of an athletic competition with a game-winning touchdown run.  "Did we lose already?" said Pridmore, as if disappointed by a partner's premature ejaculation.

Final score

Percocet 5, Anal Avengers 0

Notable statistics

Ed Bailey: 3 interceptions (1 returned for touchdown)

Dan Jenniches: 2 receiving TDs

Arden Nicoletta: 2 passing TDs

John Winters: 3 interceptions thrown, 1 attempted rape

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

Zawodni & Sons vs. The Revolution

The Revolution hoisting the Super Fool II championship trophy

The championship game turned out to be an anti-climax, not only because the spectators were still shocked by the homoerotic spectacle of the "GayFC Championship Game," but because it was clear that the two best teams had already met when The Revolution played Percocet in Game 2, the only competitive match of the day.

The Revolution quickly dispatched Zawodni & Sons with a dominating performance on both sides of the ball.  Aaron Reiber and Gio Attisano each scored touchdowns off Mark Mammone interceptions.  Mammone said "Fuck!  You can quote that."

Aaron Kleiber threw 3 touchdown passes, with the game-winning scoring strike being caught by captain Matt Light.  Earlier in the game, Light made the day's top play when he reached over defenders to catch a long bomb that took his team down to the goal line, setting up a touchdown.

Final score

The Revolution 5, Zawodni & Sons 0

Notable statistics

Aaron Kleiber: 3 passing touchdowns 

AWARDS

Most Valuable Player (Matt Light)

Last year's MVP Dan Jenniches passes the torch to new MVP Matt Light while Aaron Kleiber photobombs

Matt Light earned this year's MVP award by leading his team to the championship with strong two-way play that included 3 key interceptions against Percocet and the title-clinching touchdown catch.  When asked how he felt about winning the championship and the MVP award, Light said "I'm going to my Disney World—the Penn State showers."  He continued: "I'd like to thank my 9th grade English teacher who said I would never amount to anything.  He's still right, because we won a meaningless game today."  Light graciously accepted the championship trophy from last year's MVP, Dan Jenniches, saying "Hey Dan, how does my dick taste?"

Brad Ryan Spirit Award (Zach Funk)

The Brad Ryan Spirit Award, named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a career-ending bone fracture in last year's game, is awarded to a player who left it all on the field.  Zach Funk, a lifelong picked-last-in-gym-class nerd, earned the award by turning in a standout defensive performance.  Despite being the last pick of the pathetic Anal Avengers, he was the team's best player.  He was also the most prepared player: "Is Zach Funk wearing a jock strap and a cup?  Someone tell him we're not playing jai alai," said Aaron Kleiber.  Funk probably prevented a shutout in Game 1 with his acrobatic defensive stops.  "He's a flag-grabbing motherfucker," said Gordon Duchene.  In the consolation game, when most of his teammates thought they were filming a gay porno, Funk kept his head in the game and his pants on his body.  "I can do sports!" he said in a tearful acceptance speech.

The Tombstone Badass Award (John Winters)

John Winters's pathological craving for attention is truly staggering.  Within a community of people who eagerly brave blizzards for the chance to talk about penises in front of two or three apathetic barflys, this skinny-jeans-wearing, lumberjack-beard-having monster stands head and shoulders above the rest in his willingness to do anything just to have people look at him.  After the circus that was Super Fool II devolved into an actual athletic competition during the drawn-out game between Percocet and The Revolution, Winters took it upon himself to restore disorder.  A veritable Lord of Misrule, he unabashedly bared his hideous physique and ignited an uproarious, homoerotic disgrace of a football game.  For this, we salute him.

—James J. Hamilton

PREVIEW: Super Fool II, the Second Annual Pittsburgh Comedians’ Football Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer for the “Paul Itser” Prize-winning James J. Hamilton’s Blog)

WHO:  Pittsburgh comedians

WHAT:  Super Fool II

WHEN:  Noon, Sunday, November 11, 2012

WHERE:  Campbell Field, Homestead, Pennsylvania

WHY:  Massive, fragile egos

HOW:  Pathetically

Pittsburgh’s comedians clashed on the football field one year ago and now they’re back for more.  While concussions, broken bones, and a pervasive lack of health insurance have dictated that it be flag football instead of tackle this time, there has been no loss in intensity.  Four teams have been drafted and the desperate, megalomaniacal attention-whores that make up Pittsburgh’s comedy community are raising the stakes with their racially and sexually-charged trash talking in advance of what is sure to be a dazzling display of non-athleticism.  The Steelers don’t play until Monday night, so come on down to Campbell Field in Homestead at noon on Sunday to watch as 25-30 mediocre-at-best comedians compete to be glorious gods of the gigglers’ gridiron.

Here is a preview of the action:

Team captains Dan Jenniches, Matt Light, Ray Zawodni,
and John Pridmore hard at work evaluating players before the draft

PERCOCET

Captain: Dan Jenniches

Color: Black

Draft: (1) Ed Bailey; (2) Day Bracey; (3) Arden Nicoletta; (4) Drew Rodgers; (5) Derek Minto; (6) Amber Schiefer; (7) Erick Williams; (8) John Evans

Reigning MVP and Percocet team captain Dan Jenniches controversially took black players with his first two picks and plans to spread the ball around on Sunday.  He believes his team is fast and athletic, although he expressed concern about having multiple cigarette and pot smokers on his team: “I’m not sure how weed affects endurance, but I can’t imagine it’s positive.”

Jenniches said his secret weapon could be an alleged former Shaler High School quarterback, the relatively unknown Drew “Aaron Rodgers” Rodgers, who was overheard telling an opposing player “I hope you like watching my backside as I run past you.”  The other teams could be seeing a lot of the “Dick Scout Double Czech” touchdown dance.

Jenniches declined to give an official comment on whether his team would put any bounties on opposing players, but emphatically stated “I’m gonna turn Matt Light into my Brad Ryan,” referencing the career-ending bone fracture suffered by Ryan in last year’s game.

Prognosticator Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross predicts: “This team will win if it can overcome the 45 delay of game penalties from Erick Williams trying to tell stories in the huddle.”

When asked about his team’s chances of winning it all on Sunday, Jenniches said: “Bring cake.  It’s gonna be Joe Pesci’s birthday.”

ZAWODNI & SONS

Captain: Ray Zawodni

Color: Blue

Draft: (1) Isaac Kozell; (2) Mark Mammone; (3) Ed Kniznik; (4) Elliott Burns; (5) Vincent Didiano; (6) Dave Laughlin; (7) J. Russ; (8) Amy Capiross

Zawodni & Sons captain Ray Zawodni is confident he will field the best team on Sunday: “I don’t want to ruin the ending for you guys, but my teams wins.”  He said Percocet’s team looks strong, but that Dan Jenniches’s strategy of drafting black guys early may backfire because last year only one out of four black players showed up for the game: “Dan Jenniches is gonna be fucked when I call in a bomb threat to the Port Authority because none of his players will be able to get there.” 

Zawodni said he opted to go after Jews instead, because even though they have a reputation for being “terrible football players” who “complain a lot,” they are “more reliable.”  Jew Ed Kniznik confirmed this impression, citing his lifelong history of receiving awards for participation and attendance.

Zawodni believes that Kniznik, despite his Jewishness, could be a secret weapon because he vaguely remembers seeing a picture of him on Facebook wearing a headband and figures he must therefore be somewhat athletic.

Zawodni & Sons first round pick Isaac Kozell was extremely excited about his high selection.  He posted the news on classmates.com to shove it in the faces of jocks he went to high school with and texted his wife to tell her that he wants his tombstone to say he was a first round pick in the second annual comedians’ football game.

Fourth round draft pick and perennial bench-warmer Elliott Burns (6 years experience; 1 career reception) predicted that he will score seven touchdowns, but Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross counter-predicted that Burns “will drop every single pass because he’s looking at Amy’s tits.”

ANAL AVENGERS

Captain: John Pridmore

Color: Brown

Draft: (1) John Dick Winters; (2) Alex Stypula; (3) Drew Kennedy; (4) Shannon Norman; (5) Gordon Duchene; (6) Brandon Rickard; (7) Zach Funk

Anal Avengers captain John Pridmore doesn’t sugarcoat things: “We are the team to beat.  I mean that literally—we’re the team that everyone is going to beat.”

Pridmore denied rumors that he was a high school football star, saying he was only in charge of toweling off players after they showered.  He said he may need his teammates to explain the rules of football to him, but that he will be very useful if someone pulls a groin muscle.

When asked about his strategy, Pridmore said his team “is gonna try to do that Hail Mary thing.  I don’t know what it is, but everyone talks about it.”  He also said he is going to try to grab opposing players’ crotches: “They can’t catch the ball if I have their balls.” 

Zawodni & Sons captain Ray Zawodni expressed concern that Anal Avengers sociopath Alex Stypula would bite his players.  Stypula is reportedly excited about “touching dicks to celebrate good plays.”

Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross said “it looks like John Pridmore picked his team based on the people most likely to bring drugs to the game.”  Pridmore agreed that half his players will be wasted and at least one will be on cocaine: “We may not be the best team, but we’ll be the drunkest team.” 

The Anal Avengers are planning to use some unorthodox methods to prepare for the game.  Pridmore said he would get in shape by watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon and drinking a lot of chocolate milk.  Shannon Norman said he is “going to eat a shitload of chicken Alfredo before this game so I puke everywhere as soon as I start running.”

When asked why he selected John Dick Winters with the first overall pick, Pridmore said “I forgot about the black guys.”  Winters said he is looking forward to trying to hurt people, particularly his wily nemesis Erick Williams.  He said Krispy Kremes and gin are the only performance-enhancing substances he will use, as he won’t take steroids because he can’t afford to make his genitals any smaller than they already are.

THE REVOLUTION

Captain: Matt Light

Color: Purple

Draft: (1) Dustin Dowling; (2) Gio Attisano; (3) Aaron Reiber; (4) Zach Roach; (5) Aaron Kleiber; (6) Glenn Baroni; (7) Bobby Weir

Revolution captain Matt Light said his team has a 25% chance of winning it all, but a 100% chance of pissing off all the players on the other teams.

Light demonstrated why he earned a league-high four-star asshole rating when he said that “Dan Jenniches has as much of a chance as a three year old in an African Wild Dog enclosure.”  He then announced a bounty on Jenniches: whoever takes him out gets an expired Hills gift card.  He also seconded Ray Zawodni’s doubts about the reliability of the black players drafted by Jenniches.

Light said John Pridmore’s strategy “is like his jokes—it won’t work.”  He mocked Ray Zawodni’s strategy of drafting Jewish players: “Jews are good at getting burnt.”  He also said they are “good at getting their quarter back, not at playing quarterback.

Light drafted Aaron Kleiber to play quarterback even though he “threw like 40 interceptions” last year in his role as all-time quarterback.  There are concerns that Kleiber will not be in peak physical condition for the game, as he said he will be drinking heavily for three straight nights prior to the game and that he may blow out his knee.  John Evans told the press that Kleiber “tore his ACL bending over to pick up a Funyun.”

The Revolution’s first round pick Dustin Dowling said he feels no pressure because he will probably be in the best shape of anyone on the field.  An anonymous source said that’s like being the least retarded person in the Special Olympics.

Light said his team will get fired up for the game by injecting crystal meth into their eyeballs, something he says he saw on an episode of Roseanne.

THE OFFICIATING CREW

Referee Brandon “Ray Charles” Johnson claims that he visited an eye doctor a year and a half ago and that he does not needed glasses or contacts.  Johnson warned that players would be penalized for showing attitude to the referee or doing the types of things Ric Flair does.  He also expressed a willingness to accept bribes.  Rumor has it that Johnson will decide “simultaneous catch” situations by giving the ball to whichever player has most closely heeded his advice on how to improve the player’s jokes.

KEYS TO THE GAME: RACISM AND SEXISM

With the developing blacks versus Jews storyline, Pittsburgh comedy could have a Crown Heights Riot on its hands.  It remains to be seen whether the black players will show up and lead Percocet to an easy victory or whether the insanely racist statements of Ray Zawodni and Matt Light will be proven correct in a tortoise/hare scenario.  But if you’re doubting whether black people will show up when they're supposed to, just ask Mitt Romney.

With two girls set to play in the game, Pittsburgh’s male comedians have already ignited a veritable “war on women.”  When Matt Light was told that Amy Capiross didn’t want to be on his team, he said “I blow her off for two shows and she doesn’t want to be on my team?  I’m gonna clothesline her.”  In an unrelated incident, Drew Kennedy said he “can’t wait to clothesline” Amber Schiefer, who responded by saying she would kick Kennedy in the teeth.  The clothesline seems to be the weapon of choice for male comedians to threaten against those whom they think should be spending more time hanging laundry on a clothesline.  However, such rampant misogyny could easily backfire.  This writer asks that everyone remember how Julie “The Cat” Gaffney won the Junior Goodwill Games for Team USA at the end of Mighty Ducks 2.

 –James J. Hamilton