By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports
Beat Writer for the “Paul Itser” Prize-winning James J. Hamilton’s Blog)
WHO: Pittsburgh comedians
WHAT: Super Fool II
WHEN: Noon, Sunday,
November 11, 2012
WHERE: Campbell Field,
Homestead, Pennsylvania
WHY: Massive, fragile
egos
HOW: Pathetically
Pittsburgh’s comedians clashed on
the football field one year ago and now they’re back for more. While concussions, broken bones, and a pervasive
lack of health insurance have dictated that it be flag football instead of
tackle this time, there has been no loss in intensity. Four teams have been drafted and the
desperate, megalomaniacal attention-whores that make up Pittsburgh’s comedy
community are raising the stakes with their racially and sexually-charged trash
talking in advance of what is sure to be a dazzling display of
non-athleticism. The Steelers don’t play
until Monday night, so come on down to Campbell Field in Homestead at noon on
Sunday to watch as 25-30 mediocre-at-best comedians compete to be glorious gods
of the gigglers’ gridiron.
Here is a preview of the action:
 |
| Team captains Dan Jenniches, Matt Light, Ray Zawodni, and John Pridmore hard at work evaluating players before the draft |
PERCOCET
Captain: Dan Jenniches
Color: Black
Draft: (1) Ed Bailey; (2) Day
Bracey; (3) Arden Nicoletta; (4) Drew Rodgers; (5) Derek Minto; (6) Amber Schiefer;
(7) Erick Williams; (8) John Evans
Reigning MVP and Percocet team captain
Dan Jenniches controversially took black players
with his first two picks and plans to spread the ball around on Sunday. He believes
his team is fast and athletic, although he expressed concern about having multiple
cigarette and pot smokers on his team: “I’m not sure how weed affects
endurance, but I can’t imagine it’s positive.”
Jenniches said his secret weapon
could be an alleged former Shaler High School quarterback, the relatively unknown
Drew “Aaron Rodgers” Rodgers, who was overheard telling an opposing player “I
hope you like watching my backside as I run past you.” The other teams could be seeing a lot of the “Dick
Scout Double Czech” touchdown dance.
Jenniches declined to give an
official comment on whether his team would put any bounties on opposing
players, but emphatically stated “I’m gonna turn Matt Light into my Brad Ryan,”
referencing the career-ending bone fracture suffered by Ryan in last year’s
game.
Prognosticator Tim “Rosstradamus”
Ross predicts: “This team will win if it can overcome the 45 delay of game
penalties from Erick Williams trying to tell stories in the huddle.”
When asked about his team’s
chances of winning it all on Sunday, Jenniches said: “Bring cake. It’s gonna be Joe Pesci’s birthday.”
ZAWODNI & SONS
Captain: Ray Zawodni
Color: Blue
Draft: (1) Isaac Kozell; (2) Mark
Mammone; (3) Ed Kniznik; (4) Elliott Burns; (5) Vincent Didiano; (6) Dave
Laughlin; (7) J. Russ; (8) Amy Capiross
Zawodni & Sons captain Ray
Zawodni is confident he will field the best team on Sunday: “I don’t want to
ruin the ending for you guys, but my teams wins.” He said Percocet’s team looks strong, but
that Dan Jenniches’s strategy of drafting black guys early may backfire because
last year only one out of four black players showed up for the game: “Dan
Jenniches is gonna be fucked when I call in a bomb threat to the Port Authority
because none of his players will be able to get there.”
Zawodni said he opted to go after Jews
instead, because even though they have a reputation for being “terrible
football players” who “complain a lot,” they are “more reliable.” Jew Ed Kniznik confirmed this impression,
citing his lifelong history of receiving awards for participation and
attendance.
Zawodni believes that Kniznik,
despite his Jewishness, could be a secret weapon because he vaguely remembers
seeing a picture of him on Facebook wearing a headband and figures he must
therefore be somewhat athletic.
Zawodni & Sons first round
pick Isaac Kozell was extremely excited about his high selection. He posted the news on classmates.com to shove
it in the faces of jocks he went to high school with and texted his wife to
tell her that he wants his tombstone to say he was a first round pick in the second
annual comedians’ football game.
Fourth round draft pick and
perennial bench-warmer Elliott Burns (6 years experience; 1 career reception) predicted
that he will score seven touchdowns, but Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross
counter-predicted that Burns “will drop every single pass because he’s looking
at Amy’s tits.”
ANAL AVENGERS
Captain: John Pridmore
Color: Brown
Draft: (1) John Dick Winters; (2)
Alex Stypula; (3) Drew Kennedy; (4) Shannon Norman; (5) Gordon Duchene; (6)
Brandon Rickard; (7) Zach Funk
Anal Avengers captain John
Pridmore doesn’t sugarcoat things: “We are the team to beat. I mean that literally—we’re the team that
everyone is going to beat.”
Pridmore denied rumors that he
was a high school football star, saying he was only in charge of toweling off players
after they showered. He said he may need
his teammates to explain the rules of football to him, but that he will be very
useful if someone pulls a groin muscle.
When asked about his strategy,
Pridmore said his team “is gonna try to do that Hail Mary thing. I don’t know what it is, but everyone talks
about it.” He also said he is going to
try to grab opposing players’ crotches: “They can’t catch the ball if I have
their balls.”
Zawodni & Sons captain Ray
Zawodni expressed concern that Anal Avengers sociopath Alex Stypula would bite
his players. Stypula is reportedly
excited about “touching dicks to celebrate good plays.”
Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross said “it looks
like John Pridmore picked his team based on the people most likely to bring
drugs to the game.” Pridmore agreed that
half his players will be wasted and at least one will be on cocaine: “We may
not be the best team, but we’ll be the drunkest team.”
The Anal Avengers are planning to
use some unorthodox methods to prepare for the game. Pridmore said he would get in shape by
watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer
marathon and drinking a lot of chocolate milk. Shannon Norman said he is “going to eat a shitload
of chicken Alfredo before this game so I puke everywhere as soon as I start
running.”
When asked why he selected John
Dick Winters with the first overall pick, Pridmore said “I forgot about the
black guys.” Winters said he is looking forward to trying to hurt people, particularly his wily
nemesis Erick Williams. He said Krispy
Kremes and gin are the only performance-enhancing substances he will use,
as he won’t take steroids because he can’t afford to make his genitals any
smaller than they already are.
THE REVOLUTION
Captain: Matt Light
Color: Purple
Draft: (1) Dustin Dowling; (2)
Gio Attisano; (3) Aaron Reiber; (4) Zach Roach; (5) Aaron Kleiber; (6) Glenn
Baroni; (7) Bobby Weir
Revolution captain Matt Light
said his team has a 25% chance of winning it all, but a 100% chance of pissing
off all the players on the other teams.
Light demonstrated why he earned
a league-high four-star asshole rating when he said that “Dan Jenniches has as much
of a chance as a three year old in an African Wild Dog enclosure.” He then announced a bounty on Jenniches:
whoever takes him out gets an expired Hills gift card. He also seconded Ray Zawodni’s doubts about
the reliability of the black players drafted by Jenniches.
Light said John Pridmore’s
strategy “is like his jokes—it won’t work.”
He mocked Ray Zawodni’s strategy of drafting Jewish players: “Jews are
good at getting burnt.” He also said
they are “good at getting their quarter back, not at playing quarterback.
Light drafted Aaron Kleiber to
play quarterback even though he “threw like 40 interceptions” last year in his
role as all-time quarterback. There are
concerns that Kleiber will not be in peak physical condition for the game, as
he said he will be drinking heavily for three straight nights prior to the game
and that he may blow out his knee. John
Evans told the press that Kleiber “tore his ACL bending over to pick up a
Funyun.”
The Revolution’s first round pick
Dustin Dowling said he feels no pressure because he will probably be in the
best shape of anyone on the field. An
anonymous source said that’s like being the least retarded person in the
Special Olympics.
Light said his team will get
fired up for the game by injecting crystal meth into their eyeballs, something
he says he saw on an episode of Roseanne.
THE OFFICIATING CREW
Referee Brandon “Ray Charles” Johnson
claims that he visited an eye doctor a year and a half ago and that he does not
needed glasses or contacts. Johnson
warned that players would be penalized for showing attitude to the referee or
doing the types of things Ric Flair does.
He also expressed a willingness to accept bribes. Rumor has it that Johnson will decide “simultaneous
catch” situations by giving the ball to whichever player has most closely
heeded his advice on how to improve the player’s jokes.
KEYS TO THE GAME: RACISM AND SEXISM
With the developing blacks versus
Jews storyline, Pittsburgh comedy could have a Crown Heights Riot on its
hands. It remains to be seen whether the
black players will show up and lead Percocet to an easy victory or whether the insanely
racist statements of Ray Zawodni and Matt Light will be proven correct in a tortoise/hare
scenario. But if you’re doubting whether
black people will show up when they're supposed to, just ask Mitt Romney.
With two girls set to play in the
game, Pittsburgh’s male comedians have already ignited a veritable “war on
women.” When Matt Light was told that
Amy Capiross didn’t want to be on his team, he said “I blow her off for two
shows and she doesn’t want to be on my team?
I’m gonna clothesline her.” In an
unrelated incident, Drew Kennedy said he “can’t wait to clothesline” Amber
Schiefer, who responded by saying she would kick Kennedy in the teeth. The clothesline seems to be the weapon of
choice for male comedians to threaten against those whom they think should be
spending more time hanging laundry on a clothesline. However, such rampant misogyny could easily
backfire. This writer asks that everyone
remember how Julie “The Cat” Gaffney won the Junior Goodwill Games for Team USA
at the end of Mighty Ducks 2.
–James J. Hamilton
