Friday, February 19, 2016

Nation's Teenagers Probably Lying In A Ditch Somewhere, Say Nation's Moms

By James J. Hamilton
The nation's teenagers are probably lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere right now, say the nation's moms. 

According to the moms, the teenagers were supposed to be home by midnight, which was over a half hour ago, but there's no sign of them. They haven't answered multiple texts and phone calls, which isn't like them at all. Something must've happened.

The teenagers were reportedly going to a movie at eight o'clock and then maybe getting something to eat afterwards, but that leaves more than enough time to get home by midnight. And even if they were running late, they could still answer a simple text, right? Is that too much to ask?

The teenagers could've been in an accident, say the moms, who remembered hearing something on the news recently about a bunch of cars being recalled because the brakes were seizing up. It could be something like that. Or maybe they got a flat tire and asked someone for help, and then that person beat them up and robbed them. There are so many sick people out there.

Whatever's going on, it probably has something to do with that weird Jacob kid, say the moms. He's always up to no good. One thing's for sure, this is the last time anyone goes anywhere with that kid.

The moms report being so worried that they're not even mad anymore. Normally, the teenagers would be grounded for staying out past curfew, but at this point the moms would be too relieved to find out they're okay to even be able to think about punishing them. 

At press time, the moms were looking out the living room window but still didn't see anyone pulling into the driveway.