Craigslist Missed Connections

By James J. Hamilton

It was December 16, 2010.  You were the hot blonde sipping red wine at the bar at Papa J’s in downtown Pittsburgh.  I was the overweight comedian telling date rape jokes at the comedy open mic. 

It was Christmastime and I had a joke where I said I got everyone a present and I held up an index card that said “A donation has been made in your name to the James J. Hamilton Alcohol & Marijuana Purchasing Fund.”  I also said I was looking for people to volunteer at the “Suck My Dick Foundation” and I had a sign-up sheet.   After my set, I handed out some of the “a donation has been made in your name” cards to people in the audience, most notably you.

I waited until the guy you were with went to the bathroom before I went up to you (turns out he wasn’t your boyfriend because he offered to give me his seat when he came back and I don’t think he would’ve done that if he was your boyfriend because I was clearly hitting on you although maybe he just felt so un-threatened by me that he didn’t care oh shit now I feel inadequate again).

I gave you one of my “a donation has been made in your name” cards and you asked me to sign it for you.  It was the first time anyone asked for my autograph.  You said the “Suck My Dick Foundation” bit was the best joke of the night.  I agreed.  I jokingly asked you to write your name on the “Suck My Dick Foundation” sign-up sheet and you almost did.  I gave you my business card because I thought you would be impressed that it says “Attorney at Law” on it.  You said you would friend me on Facebook.  I waited, but that friend request never came.  I should’ve asked you out right then, I but I didn’t and I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since.

I hope we see each other again.  Wouldn’t we have the best “how we met” story ever?  You asked me for my autograph and I asked you to make a written commitment to blow me.  Our grandchildren will find that story hilarious when we tell it at Thanksgiving.

Finally, I don't know why I'm writing this on Craigslist Missed Connections as if I don't know who you are when in fact I wrote your name on the back of my setlist and have been Facebook-stalking you for over a year.  That’s a really nice picture of you in that black dress.  I want to lose myself in your eyes.

Love,

James J. Hamilton

Fuck Marry Kill - Downton Abbey Edition

By James J. Hamilton

You know the rules:  Three people.  You have to fuck one, marry one, and kill one. 

Today's contestants are Downton Abbey's Crawley sisters: Mary, Edith, and Sybil.

Left to right: Edith, Mary, and Sybil

Marry Sybil

This is a no-brainer for me.  Sybil is the nice one.  She has a positive attitude and doesn't let things get her down.  She has a mind of her own and stands up for herself.  She has convictions and likes to help others.  She wants to travel.  She's the only one of her sisters with even a rudimentary knowledge of how to cook.  Oh yeah, and she's the hottest.

Sybil:  Marriage material

Sure, she's a bit headstrong and opinionated, but in the end that's a good thing.  She wouldn't let her prying family get all up in our business and tell us what to do.  And frankly, she's the only one who wouldn't let her father stop her from marrying my low-class ass.  Sybil is a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman who would be an equal partner in marriage.  If you want your wife to be a doormat, there's Edith.  If you like 'em high maintenance, there's Mary.  Sybil's the gal for me.  I see some "naughty nurse" role-playing in our future.

Fuck Edith 

I feel like 98% of people would automatically kill Edith without thinking twice.  She's the homely, forgotten middle sister.  She's the afterthought, the leftover.  Even the old guy who wanted to propose to her only settled for her after Mary rejected him.  In many ways, she's the quintessential "kill."  It's the archetype of her character: "Am I just to be the maiden aunt?  Isn't this what they do?  Arrange presents for their prettier relations?"  If Edith knew you were doing Fuck Marry Kill with her and her sisters, she would probably blindfold herself for the firing squad before you even announced the results.  But that's exactly why I chose to fuck her.  

Edith:  Starved for affection

If you wanted to fuck Edith, she would appreciate it.  She's so neglected that she throws herself at anyone who pays her any attention: The old guy, the dirty farmer, the burn victim, and the same old guy five years older with a crippled arm.  Edith wants it so bad, she would do anything you wanted.  The mere thought of you choosing her over Mary would make her wetter than the Thames.  Do you really think Mary would want to go down on you?  Edith would suck until the cows came home if you asked her.  I'll bet she would even do butt stuff.  She'd be eager to please because she feels like she has something to prove.  So let's put that inferiority complex to good use:  Edith, harness all of that pent-up jealousy and resentment and take it out on my dick.  We know she knows how to drive a stick.

Kill Mary

Mary's hot, but her negative personality is a turn-off.  Fancy-wine-glass-half-empty Mary: "An uppity minx who is the author of her own misfortune."  She'll never be happy because she only wants what she can't have.  No matter what happens, she'll find something wrong with it.  Her expectations are so high, you could never satisfy her. 

Mary:  Nothing is ever good enough for her

If you were fucking Mary, she'd probably act like she was doing you a favor.  She'd just lay there like a wet noodle and wouldn't even have the decency to fake it.  Good luck getting her to do any butt stuff.  And remember, the only guy who's ever tried to fuck Mary didn't make it out of her bedroom alive.  So I'll kill Mary and put her out of her self-imposed misery.

Bonus round
You can fuck all three if you let the Dowager Countess watch (and criticize, of course).

 Follow me on Twitter: @jamesjhamilton

London Philharmonic Orchestra Disbands After Yoko Ono Starts Dating 8th-chair Violinist

By James J. Hamilton

LONDON—Eighty years after it was founded by Sir Thomas Beecham, the London Philharmonic Orchestra is calling it quits. Sources say the cause of the 100-member orchestra's breakup is tension over the relationship between 8th-chair violinist Andrew Thurgood and John Lennon's widow, artist Yoko Ono.

The orchestra's problems reportedly arose soon after the couple started dating in October. Percussionist Keith Millar expressed the frustration of Thurgood's fellow musicians: "They've only been dating a couple months, and now she's sitting in on rehearsals and insisting we add cow mooing sounds to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. This is bullshit." Principal Conductor Vladimir Jurowski opposed the changes, saying "That bitch doesn't know dick about classical music."

The orchestra plans to cancel the remainder of its 2011-12 season, citing irreconcilable creative differences. Cellist Gregory Walmsley said "I don't care what anyone says, I'm not playing Brahms in the nude."

James J. Hamilton Celebrates Hanukkah With Eight Days Of Natalie Portman Pictures

By James J. Hamilton

To celebrate Hanukkah this year, I (a Gentile) used my Facebook page to run an eight day series of pictures of my favorite Jew (the lovely Natalie Portman) with characteristically hilarious captions added by me.  If you don't "like" my Facebook page, what the fuck is wrong with you? here's what you missed:

Day 1:  

I am officially jealous of a chimpanzee.



Day 2:

I want a mustache ride.



Day 3:

"Seriously, I would really want to grab Scarlett's breasts. She's got beautiful ones." - Natalie Portman, with whom I wholeheartedly agree



Day 4:

"You're welcome." - Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky



 

Day 5:

Hey Obama, I can think of one thing that might convince me to vote for you...



Day 6:

Her seatbelts are fastened and I'm in the full upright position.

Day 7:

If you thought Hillary Clinton was ugly before, wait until you see her standing next to Natalie Portman (PS it must be cold in there).



Day 8:

"Dreams are basically the farts of the mind." - Natalie Portman, Harvard psychology degree-holder and the girl of my mind-farts

Now I can claim there is a semi-legitimate reason for me having at least 8 of the 564 Natalie Portman pictures that are on my computer.

Happy Hanukkah!

New Anti-bullying Legislation Sparks Controversy at Local High School

By James J. Hamilton

WEST PARK, PA—The Pennsylvania Stop Bullying Act, passed by the state legislature last month, is quickly becoming controversial as local West Park High School begins to apply the new law.  Though the law was intended to provide a clear mandate for schools to deal with harassment, critics have argued that it forces schools to conduct lengthy investigations and impose strict disciplinary measures for incidents that are not serious.  Others see it as an attempt to legislate against normal social interaction among teenagers.  PTA member Janice Price said “The school shouldn’t be turning kids into whiny pussies who can’t stand up for themselves.  That’s the parents’ job.”

Earlier this month, senior Tim Miller became the first West Park student to be disciplined under the new law when he got caught passing a note that said “Sally Wilson gives good hand jobs.”  Miller was suspended for two days as a result of the incident.  He spoke out against the punishment, arguing that he should not have been disciplined at all because “it was intended as a compliment.”  When asked about the source of his information, Miller said “I know from experience, dude.  Well, not me personally, but a guy I know…”  Our fact-checking department has confirmed that Miller was referencing a famous line from the film Billy Madison, but has thus far been unable to corroborate the note’s allegations.

Some have expressed concern that teachers are spending too much time filling out paperwork to comply with the new law and don’t have time to do their jobs.  One student, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that “Mr. Cooper hasn’t finished grading last week’s calculus test yet because he had to spend three hours filling out a report about how Jeff Adams said he needed to use the quadratic equation to calculate how many guys Sally Wilson has given hand jobs to.”  When asked to comment, teacher David Cooper said “Mathematically, it doesn’t even make sense.”

Critics of the new law are blasting state Senator Eileen Dickson, who drafted the legislation and pushed its passage.  At a press conference yesterday, Senator Dickson defended the law, saying “My colleagues across the aisle apparently want to see more kids slashing their wrists and putting guns in their mouths to end the emotional pain caused by bullies repeatedly calling them jizz-guzzling cocksmokers with impunity.”  Senator Dickson is currently co-sponsoring a bill that would make giving someone a wedgie a summary criminal offense (or a second degree misdemeanor if atomic).

Opponents of Senator Dickson’s efforts have speculated that her enthusiasm for the cause may be the result of having been bullied herself.  Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis noted that the name “Eileen Dickson” is ripe for parody.  “Plus, she looks like a ferret,” he added.

Even the students at West Park High School are criticizing Senator Dickson.  A custodian reported finding the phrase “Senator Dickson smells farts” carved into one of the tables in the library.  The custodian expressed disapproval of the carving but said it was nice that the students were showing an interest in politics.

Local bully Eddie Stevens said he would not let the new law get in the way of his normal bullying activities.  Describing the legislation as “retarded,” Stevens said he took its recent passage as a challenge to bully even more students.  “I was going to let Brian Robertson off the hook for his gay new Justin Bieber haircut, but I unloaded on him because I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to be intimidated by the gay government.”      

Stevens was also critical of Senator Dickson, describing her as “a giant slut whose mom probably had sex with a ferret” and claiming “I made my dad agree never to vote for her again by threatening to quit the baseball team.”  Stevens even had a message for the Senator: “I want Senator Dickson to know that I’m going to give Bobby Jenkins an extra swirly today just because she’s a bitch.  And also because Bobby Jenkins is a fag.”

UPDATE: Senator Dickson’s staff has reported the occurrence of an “upperdecker” at the Senator’s Harrisburg office.  Capitol police have confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis is a suspect.

Roast of the Presidents

Check out this live stand-up recording of James J. Hamilton roasting the Presidents of the United States.

By the way, this video is NSFWIYWITJQAA (Not safe for work if you work in the John Quincy Adams administration).

Is Kim Kardashian a Sign of the Apocalypse?

By James J. Hamilton

TMZ has reported that Kim Kardashian and her fiancé are looking for Bible passages to have engraved on their wedding bands.  I've decided to help them out.  After careful study, I have found the perfect Bible passage for Kim Kardashian’s wedding band:

Come hither; I will show unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters,

With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.

(Revelation 17:1-2)

How appropriate.  I think the priest should also read that during the ceremony.

But enough fun and games.  I originally considered this a joke, but after further analyzing the Bible passage in question, I have come to the frightening conclusion that Kim Kardashian is actually the Whore of Babylon foretold in the Book of Revelation.  

Let me show you how I got there:

• “I will show unto thee…”  We are constantly shown her whoredom because everything she does is on TV.

• “…that sitteth upon many waters.”  Clearly a big ass reference.

• “With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication…”  A bunch of famous people have fucked her.

• “…and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.”  The public at large has become intoxicated and obsessed by her and her whoredom.

Wow.  That fits together a little too perfectly.  This is scary.

Still not convinced?  Check this shit out:

“And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour,

and decked with gold and precious stones...” 
(Revelation  17:4)

“And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints...”
(Revelation 17:6)

  

“And she shall be utterly burned with fire:
for strong is the Lord God who judgeth her.”
(Revelation 18:8)

 Somebody call Jack Van Impe.