Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump Enjoys 95% Approval Rating With Nation's Fastest Growing Demographic: Dudes Who Leave Comments On Porn Sites

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—Pollsters say President Trump's approval rating has soared to an astonishing 95% among the nation’s fastest growing demographic: Dudes who leave comments on porn sites.

"Comment sections didn't really exist on porn sites when President Obama first took office," said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports, "but the percentage of Americans leaving comments on porn videos has skyrocketed in the last few years." Pollster Frank Luntz warned: "Dudes who comment on porn videos are now a substantial voting bloc that can't be ignored. If Democrats can't break into that demographic, they're going to be in the minority for a long time."

PornHub user Hard_Cock_69, who commented that a video entitled "18 Year Old Slut Who Loves Anal" was "so hot i just jacked it twice in a porta potty at work lol," said he supports Trump's travel ban and believes the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals misapplied the standard of review for temporary restraining orders when it struck down the policy. 

"OMG I came so hard I almost jizzed in my own face," commented YouPorn user Epic69Boner420 in response to "Squirting Asian Schoolgirls Spanked Hard In Detention." Saying he voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson but has warmed up to Trump somewhat since the election, Epic69Boner420 praised Trump's nomination of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court and expressed excitement about Gorsuch's record of skepticism toward the Chevron doctrine, a precedent requiring courts to defer to executive agencies' interpretations of ambiguous statutes. 

Rasmussen and Luntz said Trump's approval rating hits 99% when the polling sample is narrowed to dudes who leave racist comments on interracial porn videos. PornTube user BigDicKKK1933, a rare member of that sampling group who does not support Trump, explained his opposition to the president by saying: "He let his daughter marry a Jew." BigDicKKK1933 added that the video "White MILF Takes Two Giant Black Cocks" is "a perfect example of why 9/11 happened." 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Republicans Silence Elizabeth Warren With Senate Rule 69 Which Prohibits Being A Bitchy Cunt During Debate

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—This week, Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) was cut off in the middle of a floor speech in opposition to the nomination of Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL) for the office of Attorney General, in which Warren read from a letter by Coretta Scott King and raised concerns that Sessions was a racist. After repeated warnings to Warren that her speech violated decorum, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) ended the speech by invoking Senate Rule 69, which states: “No Senator in debate shall, directly or indirectly, by any form of words exhibit bitchiness, cuntiness, or any combination thereof.” 

Senate Rule 69 was instituted in 1932 after Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to a U.S. Senate seat. Senatress Caraway* wasted no time earning the ire of the all-male deliberative body when she spoke out against the proposed repeal of prohibition during a December 16, 1932 floor debate. Implying that several Senators were notorious drunks, Caraway was shouted down by her booze-addled colleagues, who suggested that she should stop being a buzzkill and "show a little skin." Later that same night, Majority Leader Joseph Robinson (like Caraway, a Democrat from Arkansas) reportedly drafted Senate Rule 69 on a napkin in a Capitol Hill speakeasy, surrounded by a horde of gin-soaked Senators howling with laughter. The next day, Senate Rule 69 was adopted by a vote of 94-2, with only Caraway and one emasculated nancy boy from Vermont voting against it.

If Senator Warren wants to do good service to the nation and her constituents, she needs to study the hallowed and time-honored rules of the Senate and learn to follow them. Or else.   

*Female Senators were officially referred to as “Senatress” until 1968, when Maureen Neuberger (the only Senatress in office at the time) successfully persuaded over 60 Senators’ wives to withhold sex until their husbands voted to change the title.