Saturday, November 19, 2016

"Hamilton" Cast Trashes Mike Pence After Pence Spoils Play By Revealing Hamilton Dies At The End

By James J. Hamilton
NEW YORK—When Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the hit broadway musical "Hamilton" on Friday night, the cast took a timeout from the performance to publicly denounce him for ruining the play by revealing the spoiler that Alexander Hamilton dies at the end in a duel with Aaron Burr. 

Sources say Pence, while standing in the crowded lobby before the play, said out loud to his wife that he was looking forward the scene in which Hamilton is killed by Burr, adding that he hoped the performance would capture the intense drama of the actual historical event. 

Pence's comments were overheard by his fellow playgoers, many of whom were understandably outraged at having spent thousands of dollars on tickets to a play only to have Pence spoil it by blabbing about the ending.

President-elect Donald Trump demanded that the "Hamilton" cast apologize to Pence, but no one should listen to Trump, because he's probably the type of inconsiderate jerk who will be standing in line on opening night of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, loudly announcing to Melania that the rebels get away with the Death Star plans at the end.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Cheapskate Patient Gets $100k Surgery And Doesn’t Even Tip The Doctor

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Confidential sources say local tightwad Brent Douglas recently received successful angioplasty surgery at Allegheny General Hospital to the tune of $100k and didn't leave any tip for the surgeon who performed the procedure, Richard Stedman, MD.

Dr. Stedman declined to comment on Douglas's failure to tip, though when we asked him about it, he looked like he was about to cry and excused himself from the room. Douglas was apparently too busy to comment on his shameful frugality, with his "wife" claiming he was "unavailable" and "recovering from surgery."

A nurse who assisted in the procedure, speaking on the condition of anonymity, took the penny-pinching Douglas to task for skipping out of the tip. "I'm not saying he's ungrateful, but if patients didn't tip, Dr. Stedman wouldn't be able to spend more than one week a year in the Turks and Caicos."
We spoke to Debra Lerman, MD, vice president of the American Medical Association, who said "Traditionally it's fifteen or twenty percent. When a treatment or procedure goes well, you let your doctor know you appreciate him."

Angie Donovon of the hospital's billing department explained the process: "When we send out the bill, it shows the amount covered by insurance and the amount owed by the patient. It also says GRATUITY NOT INCLUDED in all caps and there's a line where the patients can write in their tips. Some people use that, some just leave cash tips next to their beds when they're discharged."

Friday, November 4, 2016

New Poll Shows 50% Of Americans Support Marijuana Legalization, 20% High Right Now

By James J. Hamilton
According to a new Gallup poll, a record 50% of Americans now say the use of marijuana should be made legal, up from 46% last year. In the same poll, 20% of respondents reported being high right now, also a new record. The percentage of Americans who say they are high right now has increased steadily over the past decade and has doubled since 2005, when only 10% admitted to being baked out of their minds. In this year's poll, 91% of those who reported being high right now also said they favored lowering taxes on Swiss Cake Rolls and Funyuns, a position supported by only 12% of Americans not currently high. 

The new poll was conducted with a rigorous scientific methodology and has a margin of error within plus or minus 3 percentage points. One controversial Gallup poll from 2007 suggested that 95% of Americans were high at the time, but the poll was later found to have been based solely on interviews of people standing in line at a hemp necklace vendor at Coachella. The Gallup employee responsible for the poll was fired and subsequently took a position at High Times magazine, where he conducted a poll showing that 78% of High Times subscribers agreed that you can totally hear Satanic messages in Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" if you play it backwards.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Super Fool VI Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
PITTSBURGH—The sixth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game almost didn't happen. "Let's just Snapchat a few plays and pretend we played the game," said Mike Sasson. With five of the eventual fourteen participants showing up late, it was almost an hour after the scheduled kickoff time before there were enough people to play. "I wish I had some wine right now," said Matt Light in pregame warm-ups. Most of the players appeared to be severely hungover and more than one reported snorting cocaine night before. So, a typical Super Fool Sunday.


Degeneration X
Matt Light (captain)
Ray Zawodni
Dustin Dowling
Collin Chamberlin
Brandon Schell
Shannon Norman
Blair Parker

The Mike Sasson Show
Mike Sasson (captain)
Ed Bailey
Will Ness
Alex Homyak
Sean Collier
Amanda Averell
Matt Stanton

After winning the coin toss, Degeneration X marched down the field, only to have quarterback Ray Zawodni's pass intended for Matt Light intercepted in the endzone by Ed Bailey.

Mike Sasson Show quarterback Matt Stanton took advantage of having former MVPs Bailey and Will Ness in his receiving corps, targeting them heavily on a seven-play drive that ended with a touchdown reception by Bailey.

Degeneration X kept pace on its ensuing possession, with Zawodni hitting Light with a long bomb for a touchdown.

1  The Mike Sasson Show
1  Degeneration X

The Mike Sasson Show wasted no time responding, with Stanton throwing a touchdown pass to Ness. "Look at that lasso dick swinging around in the endzone!" said Alex Homyak.

Degeneration X evened the score again, with Collin Chamberlin gaining a first down and then catching another pass for a touchdown.

2  The Mike Sasson Show
2  Degeneration X
The Mike Sasson Show offense continued to be unstoppable on its next possession, with Bailey beating Light to haul in a jump-ball in the endzone.

On the next drive, after having his touchdown called back because of a forward lateral from Dustin Dowling, Zawodni kept Degeneration X in the game by connecting with Blair Parker for a touchdown pass. 

3  The Mike Sasson Show
3  Degeneration X

At this point in the game, the Homestead skies darkened and the field was beset by strong winds and pouring rain. "This is more fun than Super Fool II," said Shannon Norman, "when I got loaded on malt liquor and broke up with my girlfriend." The game had been neck-and-neck thus far, but Mike Sasson Show's Stanton and Bailey were about to take over and roll their team to victory.

After hitting Bailey for their third touchdown connection of the game, Stanton turned the tables on Degeneration X by intercepting Zawodni on the first play of the ensuing drive. One play later, Bailey caught yet another touchdown pass from Stanton to ice the game.

5  The Mike Sasson Show
3  Degeneration X
As soon as the final point was scored, players ran to the parking lot to take cover from the downpour, not sticking around for post-game interviews, a group photo, or even to trash-talk each other. Though his team won the Super Fool, Will Ness lost by leaving his sunroof open during the rainstorm. 
Sasson makes sure his defense has the opposing team covered
Mike Sasson Show captain Mike Sasson should be credited for putting together a championship roster. He drafted his players based on heart and athleticism, as opposed to Light, who picked those he most wanted to get drunk with or have sex with. Sasson's last minute acquisition of undrafted free agent Matt Stanton to replace no-show Ron Renwick was a game-changer. Stanton, the runner-up in MVP voting, took over at quarterback—the big question mark on Sasson's roster—and turned in a flawless performance, throwing a touchdown pass on every possession while avoiding costly turnovers. Sasson noted that two NFL GMs hail from his alma mater UConn. Super Fool VI shows that the NFL may be ready for a third.
Matt Light: Worse than Hitler?
Degeneration X captain Matt Light entered the game expecting a third straight Super Fool victory and third MVP trophy, but he was handed a crushing defeat instead. He scored his team's first touchdown (his only reception), but spent the rest of the game dropping an easy interception and getting posterized by Ed Bailey, who Light passed on with the first overall pick. Maybe Light would've played better if he hadn't stayed up until 7:00 a.m. the night before getting drunk while dressed as French maid Hitler. As the only person who actually cares about this game, Light will have an entire year to live with the shame of his ignominious Super Fool defeat. "I hate losing," said Light as he walked dejectedly to his car in the rain. At least he won an award for his Halloween costume, presumably for being the only person awful enough that he can dress up as Hitler and it’s demeaning to Hitler.

Almost all of the participants in Super Fool VI made their mark on the stat sheet. Even Alex Homyak, who had vowed to “ride a tsunami of vodka onto the field,” registered a tackle. The only player to be shut out in all official categories was Shannon Norman. Norman’s stats read like Bluto Blutarsky’s grades: Zero point zero.
Ed Bailey: "Shannon looks like he swallowed the Lucky Charms leprechaun."
Unfortunately for Norman, the Super Fool’s statisticians do not keep official stats for talking on your cell phone on the field in the middle of a play. “No, I can talk now,” Norman said to the person on the other end of his call (presumably a drug dealer) while the Mike Sasson Show marched down the field for yet another touchdown. Norman was also the unofficial leader in cases of Iron City Light brought, with a league-high one. “Help yourself to an IC Light, guys, they’re under the jean jacket,” Norman said. Zawodni replied “I feel like that’s a sentence you’ve said many times in your life.”


Awards are voted on by the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Writers' Association.


Winner: Ed Bailey

With 8 receptions, 4 touchdown catches, and an interception, Ed Bailey ran away with the MVP award, turning in what was perhaps the most dominating performance in Super Fool history. "This is the Ed Bailey show," said Homyak after one of Bailey's many touchdowns. "He is beating the fuck out of me," said Light, who had the unfortunate job of trying to cover Bailey for most of the afternoon. Bailey adds this award to his Super Fool III MVP, tying Light as the only other player with two MVPs.


Winner: Blair Parker

The Brad Ryan Spirit Award is given to a player who left it all on the field. This year's BSRA goes to Blair Parker, the last overall pick.

"What are the rules for puking on the field? Is that allowed?" asked Parker, who showed up covered in glitter from what this reporter will presume was a Halloween costume and not the late shift at Club Erotica. Reportedly nursing a vicious hangover, Parker nevertheless brought intensity to her first Super Fool. Instead of calling for the ball by saying "I'm open," she yelled "Yo! What the fuck!" That approach apparently got the attention of her team's quarterback, as only MVP Ed Bailey caught more passes than her. Overcoming rampant sexism, Parker celebrated her touchdown catch by chanting "I was picked last! I was picked last!" It's safe to say that Parker, who almost threw up in the car on the way to the game, will not be picked last again next year. "She is a savage," said Light.

Despite suffering a separated shoulder toward the end of the game, Dustin Dowling only finished second in BRSA voting. Dowling separates his shoulder so often (he did it in pregame warm-ups too) that nobody cares anymore, as evidenced by the fact that everyone just left him laying on the turf, with no one really worried about him. If you want the BRSA, you better get hurt bad enough to go to the hospital, like Brad Ryan did twice. Otherwise, you’re just a pussy.


Winner: James J. Hamilton

For the third straight year, this award goes to James J. Hamilton. Without him, the Super Fool would be the proverbial tree falling in the forest without making a sound.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Super Fool VI Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

PITTSBURGH—At high noon on Sunday, October 30th, Pittsburgh comedians will gather at Steel Valley High School's Campbell Field to participate in Super Fool VI, the sixth annual comedians' flag football game. Earlier this week, captains Matt Light and Mike Sasson drafted their teams at the Beerhive. Here's a preview of the matchup:
The Kliq a/k/a Degeneration X
Matt Light (captain)
Ray Zawodni (1)
Dustin Dowling (4)
Collin Chamberlin (6)
Brandon Schell (8)
Shannon Norman (10)
Blair Parker (12)

Matt Light and Ray Zawodni have teamed up to lead their side to victory in each of the last three Super Fool games. Light said he plans to make it four in a row and also claim the MVP for himself for the third time.

Even though there were other previous MVPs on the draft board, Light selected Zawodni first overall because he is "a franchise quarterback." Zawodni's quarterback skills will be put to the test with his team having only a couple proven receiving talents for him to throw to. Light said he also picked Zawodni because they both have DUIs and could split an Uber home from the game. 

Despite his top-heavy roster, Light was satisfied with his draft picks. "I'm just glad Sean Collier's not on my team," Light said. "He's terrible." 

Shannon Norman is slated to return to the gridiron for the first time since Super Fool II. No word on whether he plans to wear capri pants again this time. 

Collin Chamberlin said he plans to contribute to his team on Sunday by bringing a case of bottled water, which is good because he was held without a catch last year by Amanda Averell, who said she plans to cover Chamberlin again this year. 

Blair Parker will make her first Super Fool appearance and will likely have a chip on her shoulder after being picked last overall, behind a lot of dudes who probably can't walk up the stairs at Beerhive without getting winded. 

The key to victory for The Kliq could be the fact that Matt Light cares about this way more than everyone else combined and will stop at nothing to win. "This is a chance for everyone to see I'm better than them at something besides comedy," he said. "Or however you want to rewrite that to make it sound smart."

The Mike Sasson Show
Mike Sasson (captain)
Ed Bailey (2)
Will Ness (3)
Ron Renwick (5)
Alex Homyak (7)
Sean Collier (9)
Amanda Averell (11)

Mike Sasson named his team The Mike Sasson Show in an effort to use the Super Fool to get some name recognition for his internet radio show. "Nobody ever heard of roses before the Rose Bowl," Sasson said. Sasson is obviously trying to cash in on the publicity of having the name of his show appear in this article, which will be read by literally dozens of people.

Despite being an actual football coach and former NCAA Division I player, Sasson has little hope of applying his football acumen to this game, saying his past attempts to get unfocused and unathletic comedians to follow a coherent strategy have been like herding cats. "I've coached seventh graders and they were miles ahead of this group."

Sasson's team will be anchored by his first two picks, former MVPs Will Ness and Ed Bailey. Ness said he believed his chances of repeating as MVP were "Not good" because he hasn't been working out. When asked whether he thought he needed to work out to be MVP of this group, he conceded that was a "Fair point."

The big question mark for this team is who will play quarterback. Sasson suggested that he may pursue a quarterback by committee approach. Ron Renwick could be looking to continue is all-time perfect quarterback rating (having thrown a TD on his only pass attempt), but may not have the confidence to do so. Hopefully he picked up some tips while holding the first down markers at Duquesne games.
First-time participant Alex Homyak is an unknown talent who could turn out to be this year's sleeper. Sasson said Homyak's effectiveness could turn on his activities the night before the game. "If Alex stays sober," Sasson said, "that would probably hurt his play."

Analysts say these two teams look equally matched and Vegas oddsmakers have the game at even money. There are also several players who have strong chances at winning MVP. Super Fool "glory" is up for grabs for whoever steps up big on Sunday.
Additionally, competition for the Brad Ryan Spirit Award is wide open this year. Won the last two years by Brad Ryan himself, the BRSA is anyone's to win following Ryan's forced retirement after his career-ending shoulder injury last year. Whoever follows in Ryan's footsteps and ends up in the hospital on Sunday is the favorite for this award. 

Unfortunately, the major story of this game could be the historically low level of participation. Only 14 comics signed up for the draft and, given that a handful of players drafted usually don't show up to the game, there may be barely enough people to even play. What accounts for comics' lack of interest this year? Are they getting sick of this game? Are they afraid to get roasted by an award-winning* sports writer? Or is it that more and more people just hate Matt Light? Probably the last one. In any event, don't miss what could be the final Super Fool. 

Super Fool VI
Sunday, October 30, 2016
12:00 PM
Campbell Field, Steel Valley High School

*Winner, James J. Hamilton Award for Excellence in Journalism (2014, 2015)

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

A Decade After Natalee Holloway’s Death, Her High School Decides It’s Finally Okay To Resume Senior Class Trips To Aruba

By James J. Hamilton
MOUNTAIN BROOK, ALABAMA—Mountain Brook High School is the alma mater of Natalee Holloway, the eighteen year old student who disappeared and was presumably murdered on a senior class trip to Aruba in 2005. Over a decade later, Mountain Brook's Principal Andrew Davis said the school will finally resume senior trips to the Caribbean island. "Students always loved those trips and it's a shame that one bad experience had to ruin it for everyone," Principal Davis said. "We held off for ten years, but I think by now we've made whatever point we were trying to make." Noting that prime suspect Joran van der Sloot recently admitted in undercover footage that he is guilty of Holloway's death, Principal Davis remarked that "We have some closure now, so we should be good to go, right?" When asked what steps the school would take to ensure students' safety in Aruba, Principal Davis said: "Two words: Buddy system."

Monday, March 14, 2016

This Inspiring History Teacher Refused To Say "Franklin Pierce Was The Greatest President" No Matter How Many Times I Tased Him

By James J. Hamilton
Local 10th grade history teacher Glenn Masterson (or "Mr. M," as he is affectionately known by his students) refused to say "Franklin Pierce was the greatest president" no matter how many times I tased him yesterday during his fifth period American History class.

A hardworking, genial man who inspires pupils with his passion for history, Mr. M has been voted his school's Best Teacher by the student body for the past three years.

Enraged by the universal love and respect Mr. M receives, I recently attended one of his classes, posing as a new student, and attempted to make him debase himself in front of the kids who adore him by coercing him into saying Franklin Pierce was the greatest president. 
Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States (1853-57), was a northern Democrat whose polarizing support for the Kansas-Nebraska Act and the Fugitive Slave Act deepened North-South conflict and set the stage for Southern secession. An abject failure at worst, well-meaning and mediocre at best, Pierce is consistently ranked among the bottom third of presidents in surveys of historians.

That's why I wanted to get Mr. M to say Pierce was the greatest president. It's obviously not true, so if he said it, his students would think he's a moron and he'd finally be toppled from the goddamn pedestal everyone has him on. 

Yesterday afternoon, in the middle of Mr. M's thoughtful lecture on the root causes of the Civil War, I raised my hand and proposed that Pierce was the greatest president in American history, a champion of freedom, criminally underrated by historians who just don't understand him. While Mr. M conceded that an argument could be made that Pierce was slightly underrated, and that one could plausibly maintain that Pierce was perhaps a middling president, he opined that Pierce was by no measure great and that the greatest president was probably Abraham Lincoln. I declared that Lincoln was a monstrous, Constitution-hating dictator, and Mr. M started saying weirdly hostile things like "There's no way you're in 10th grade, you're like thirty years old."
At that point, I removed a Vipertek VTS-989 Heavy Duty Stun Gun from my backpack, rushed to the front of the classroom, and tased Mr. M in the neck. He instantly dropped to the floor and I stood over him amid the screams of two dozen horrified 10th graders and demanded that he name the greatest president. When Mr. M said "Abraham Lincoln," I tased him again and told him to say Franklin Pierce was the greatest president. Fighting to remain conscious, Mr. M sat up, looked at me, and defiantly said "Pierce was a failure." I tased him a third time and, struggling to be heard over the students' unremitting shrieks, again ordered him to say Franklin Pierce was the greatest president.

In my all-encompassing fury, I failed to notice that a student had run to the main office to get help, and I was suddenly tackled from behind by two security guards who brutally disarmed me and beat me unconscious.

The last thing I saw before I blacked out was Mr. M staring me right in the eye and mouthing the words "Abraham Lincoln." 

Thursday, March 10, 2016

College Freshman Tragically Unaware That’s His Mom’s Ass In Classic Pink Floyd Poster

By James J. Hamilton
College freshman Jake Abbott, whose dorm room wall is decorated by the classic Pink Floyd "Back Catalogue" poster which has graced so many dorm rooms over the years, is tragically unaware that the nude model depicting the cover of Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here is actually his own mother.

Commissioned to promote remastered reissues of Pink Floyd's albums, the photograph was taken in London the year Mrs. Abbott spent studying abroad, during which she worked occasionally as a model. Not long thereafter, she married Mr. Abbott and gave birth to Jake, who would likely turn to self-mutilation if he were to now learn the truth about his poster. 

"Jake knows I did some modeling when I was younger," said Mrs. Abbott. "Most of it was clothing advertisements. He's seen some of those old pictures. The Pink Floyd shoot was the only risqué thing I did, and I never told Jake about it because I thought it would be embarrassing for him. But then I visited him at college and saw that poster on his wall..."

Mrs. Abbott took a deep drink from a large glass of wine as she contemplated the Oedipal nightmare waiting to happen. "Oh god, I should've told him a long time ago. I didn't think it would ever come up. Who knew that thing was still so popular? Now it's too late. What if he looks at it while he... Oh god, no..."     

Jake, blissfully ignorant of the fact that he looks at his mom's hot naked ass on a daily basis, told reporters that Pink Floyd is one of his favorite bands and that he bought the poster, along with posters of Bob Marley and John Belushi, at a poster fair held in his school's quad.

When asked which girl on the poster he thought was the hottest, whether he'd used it to stimulate his imagination during masturbation, and whether he experienced any significant castration anxiety, Jake got all weird and refused to answer. "Why are you asking me a bunch of personal questions?" he said. "It's just a poster."

As Jake would know had he actually done the reading assignments for his Intro to Psychology class, Freud may have said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but he undoubtedly would've agreed that a poster of your mom's ass is never just a poster.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Oops! I Spent $250k On Reconstructive Surgery To Turn My Dog Into A Cat, Then Found Out Cats Are Basically Free

By James J. Hamilton
In an all-time classic blunder, I recently spent $250k on reconstructive surgery to turn my dog into a cat, then found out afterwards that cats are basically free and you can get them pretty much anywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I liked my dog. I just kinda felt like the whole "dog thing" had pretty much run its course and I was itching to try something new. When I heard about cats, I immediately realized that's what I'd been looking for. 

I put an ad on Craigslist seeking someone who could turn my dog into a cat and I got a response almost instantly. The price tag for the procedure was pretty high, but I really wanted a cat, so I thought, what the hell, let's do it.

Much to my chagrin, when I showed off my modified pet to family and friends, they told me that anyone can get a cat from the local animal shelter, either for free or for a small adoption fee of like fifty bucks. Imagine how stupid I felt. 

To top it off, both myself and the Craigslist guy are now facing felony animal cruelty charges. Our lawyer says we'll each probably have to spend a year in prison, which might not sound like a lot to you, but as my dog's lawyer pointed out, that's seven dog years. Talk about an epic fail.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Kanye West’s New Album Contains Coded Message Saying Kardashians Are Holding Him Against His Will

By James J. Hamilton
Kanye West's new album The Life of Pablo reportedly contains a coded message saying that the Kardashian family is holding the Grammy-winning rapper against his will.

According to a story published yesterday in the Boston Globe, the newspaper's Spotlight investigative team recently received a package from a source identifying himself as "L. Odom." The package contained a complex cipher and the words "No More Parties In L.A.," which is the title of a song from The Life of Pablo, the seventh studio album by West, who married Kim Kardashian in 2014.

Globe journalist Mike Rezendes (who was portrayed by Mark Ruffalo in the Oscar-winning film Spotlight) spent days poring over the cipher while listening to "No More Parties In L.A." and eventually cracked the code. Rezendes reports that the song's lyrics contain a message from West which, when decoded, states: KARDASHIANS HOLDING ME AGAINST MY WILL SEND HELP I AM A GENIUS.

In the wake of this revelation, footage has surfaced from a 2015 red carpet event in which West can allegedly be seen repeatedly blinking "SOS" in Morse code.

The FBI issued a statement saying it is looking into the situation, and the Globe's Spotlight team said it intends to get to the bottom of this story, citing the possibility that there may be many more people besides West who have been held against their will or otherwise abused by the Kardashians.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Local Man Can't Believe It's Already March

By James J. Hamilton
Local man Hank Waters says he can't believe it's already March.

"It seems like Christmas and New Year's were just a few weeks ago," he told reporters. "Next thing you know, St. Patrick's Day and Easter will have come and gone, and it'll be summer."

Waters also reported disbelief about it being Tuesday. "It still feels like Monday to me," he said. "I don't know where the time goes."  

At press time, Waters was saying he couldn't believe it was already press time. 

Monday, February 29, 2016

This Will Make You Feel Old: It's Legal To Fuck People Who Were Born After GoldenEye Was Released

By James J. Hamilton
This will make you feel old: Nintendo 64's revolutionary first-person shooter GoldenEye 007 was released in August 1997, over 18 years ago, and it's now totally legal for you to fuck people who weren't even born yet when the game came out.

It was a special time in American history. "MMMBop" was topping the charts, Linda Tripp was secretly recording Monica Lewinsky's phone calls, and you were drinking a new drink called Surge when the GoldenEye bombshell was dropped on your world. At the same time, an umbilical cord was being cut on a newborn baby fresh out of its mother's womb. Today, if you were to fuck the living shit out of that baby, no court in the country could convict you. 

Some of you were probably super-excited to unwrap GoldenEye on the morning of December 25, 1997, while across this great nation a horde of mewling, puking infants who couldn't even fathom the concept of presents were crying through their "Baby's First Christmas" photos. But at this very moment, you could be tongue-deep inside one of those kids' assholes while a cop watches, and nothing bad would happen.

You and your friends had already agreed to ban Oddjob in multiplayer before these people could crawl, yet it'd now be 100% above board for you and your friends to triple penetrate their supple young bodies. They were pooping in diapers while you were unlocking Paintball Mode, but as we speak, they're old enough for you to fist, piss on, or do whatever other sick stuff you're into. Stuff Xenia Onatopp wouldn't even do.

And pretty soon, you'll be allowed to do all that stuff to people who were born after you'd already beaten Ocarina of Time.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Poll: Bernie Sanders Crushing Among White Dudes With Dreadlocks

By James J. Hamilton
Polls show that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is absolutely crushing among white dudes with dreadlocks. According to the most recent RealClearPolitics Average, Sanders has 96% support in that demographic.

“If this election were up to white dudes with dreadlocks,” said pollster Frank Luntz, “Bernie Sanders would win the presidency by a mile and a half.”

“This level of support is unprecedented,” said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports. “Sanders’s 96% support among white dudes with dreadlocks is higher than Donald Trump's 92% support among assault rifle owners with at least two DUIs, or even Hillary Clinton's 94% support among unmarried women who have used the word 'mansplain' unironically within the past month.”

Among the 4% of white dudes with dreadlocks who didn’t say they support Sanders, the most popular poll response was “I’m literally too high to think right now, bro.”

Monday, February 22, 2016

Place Your Bets: Which Members Of Our Party Will Die On The Oregon Trail?

by James J. Hamilton
It's 1849 and we're taking the Oregon Trail. It's an expensive journey, and we're poor folk, so we've decided to finance the trip by taking bets on which members of our party will die before we make it to the Oregon Territory. We're setting out from St. Louis tomorrow, so head down to the White Cloud steamboat casino and place your bets before it's too late.

Junior (Odds: 4/1)
Junior is a 12 year old boy who enjoys killing small animals and throwing rocks at girls. He has a hardy constitution, but somehow managed to contract dysentery and cholera before we even left home. Probably picked 'em up playing with them gutter children, which he was repeatedly told not to do, but the boy just plain don't listen.

Ma (Odds: 5/1)
Ma is 91 years old and has never been sick a day in her life. She can run the 40 yard dash in under 6 seconds and once killed an entire Indian warband with nothing but her cooking. She is known among the Comanche as Death Biscuit.

Pa (Odds: 3/1)
Pa is 92 years old and his only past medical issue was having both of his arms amputated at the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. Pa is wont to say George Washington was a personal friend of his, but everyone knows Washington thought Pa was annoying as hell and was just too nice to tell him to piss off, on account of Washington felt bad for Pa being without arms.

Cousin Eli (Odds: 7/1)
Cousin Eli is a farmer who's taken to drink after five consecutive years of crop failures. Rarely seen without a bottle in his hand, Eli is known for his amusing anecdotes, his affection for animals, and his deep-seated, unfathomable rage. Eli hopes the move to Oregon will enable him to evade his many creditors, as he recently borrowed thousands of dollars to finance an ill-fated scheme to grow "hydroponic" potatoes with whiskey instead of water. Eli's Hard Spuds, Inc. went under without successfully growing a single potato.
Auntie Sue (Odds: 6/1)
Auntie Sue is a four-time state knitting champion who don't take no guff and makes her living selling illegal potions to girls who are "in the family way."

Auntie Sue's boyfriend Paul (Odds: 6/1)
Paul and Auntie Sue have loud sex every night in the wagon, right next to where we all sleep. Judging by the noises Auntie Sue makes, Paul fucks good, but he's pretty much useless at everything else. Ma says "that fella ain't right in the head" and Doc Brown has diagnosed Paul as "plum retarded," but Auntie Sue says she don't give a hoot. She and Paul are living in sin, much to Ma's chagrin, because no priest will marry them on account of Paul's retardation.

Baby Jane (Odds: 1/1)
Baby Jane is 6 months old and will almost definitely die on this trip. Fragile and colicky, she will make an excellent feast for the wolf packs that roam the countryside around Fort Laramie.

Judge Holden (Odds: 666/1)
He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Nation's Teenagers Probably Lying In A Ditch Somewhere, Say Nation's Moms

By James J. Hamilton
The nation's teenagers are probably lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere right now, say the nation's moms. 

According to the moms, the teenagers were supposed to be home by midnight, which was over a half hour ago, but there's no sign of them. They haven't answered multiple texts and phone calls, which isn't like them at all. Something must've happened.

The teenagers were reportedly going to a movie at eight o'clock and then maybe getting something to eat afterwards, but that leaves more than enough time to get home by midnight. And even if they were running late, they could still answer a simple text, right? Is that too much to ask?

The teenagers could've been in an accident, say the moms, who remembered hearing something on the news recently about a bunch of cars being recalled because the brakes were seizing up. It could be something like that. Or maybe they got a flat tire and asked someone for help, and then that person beat them up and robbed them. There are so many sick people out there.

Whatever's going on, it probably has something to do with that weird Jacob kid, say the moms. He's always up to no good. One thing's for sure, this is the last time anyone goes anywhere with that kid.

The moms report being so worried that they're not even mad anymore. Normally, the teenagers would be grounded for staying out past curfew, but at this point the moms would be too relieved to find out they're okay to even be able to think about punishing them. 

At press time, the moms were looking out the living room window but still didn't see anyone pulling into the driveway.

Friday, January 1, 2016

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