Oops! I Spent $250k On Reconstructive Surgery To Turn My Dog Into A Cat, Then Found Out Cats Are Basically Free

By James J. Hamilton

In an all-time classic blunder, I recently spent $250k on reconstructive surgery to turn my dog into a cat, then found out afterwards that cats are basically free and you can get them pretty much anywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I liked my dog. I just kinda felt like the whole "dog thing" had pretty much run its course and I was itching to try something new. When I heard about cats, I immediately realized that's what I'd been looking for. 

I put an ad on Craigslist seeking someone who could turn my dog into a cat and I got a response almost instantly. The price tag for the procedure was pretty high, but I really wanted a cat, so I thought, what the hell, let's do it.

Much to my chagrin, when I showed off my modified pet to family and friends, they told me that anyone can get a cat from the local animal shelter, either for free or for a small adoption fee of like fifty bucks. Imagine how stupid I felt. 

To top it off, both myself and the Craigslist guy are now facing felony animal cruelty charges. Our lawyer says we'll each probably have to spend a year in prison, which might not sound like a lot to you, but as my dog's lawyer pointed out, that's seven dog years. Talk about an epic fail.

Craigslist Missed Connections

By James J. Hamilton

It was December 16, 2010.  You were the hot blonde sipping red wine at the bar at Papa J’s in downtown Pittsburgh.  I was the overweight comedian telling date rape jokes at the comedy open mic. 

It was Christmastime and I had a joke where I said I got everyone a present and I held up an index card that said “A donation has been made in your name to the James J. Hamilton Alcohol & Marijuana Purchasing Fund.”  I also said I was looking for people to volunteer at the “Suck My Dick Foundation” and I had a sign-up sheet.   After my set, I handed out some of the “a donation has been made in your name” cards to people in the audience, most notably you.

I waited until the guy you were with went to the bathroom before I went up to you (turns out he wasn’t your boyfriend because he offered to give me his seat when he came back and I don’t think he would’ve done that if he was your boyfriend because I was clearly hitting on you although maybe he just felt so un-threatened by me that he didn’t care oh shit now I feel inadequate again).

I gave you one of my “a donation has been made in your name” cards and you asked me to sign it for you.  It was the first time anyone asked for my autograph.  You said the “Suck My Dick Foundation” bit was the best joke of the night.  I agreed.  I jokingly asked you to write your name on the “Suck My Dick Foundation” sign-up sheet and you almost did.  I gave you my business card because I thought you would be impressed that it says “Attorney at Law” on it.  You said you would friend me on Facebook.  I waited, but that friend request never came.  I should’ve asked you out right then, I but I didn’t and I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since.

I hope we see each other again.  Wouldn’t we have the best “how we met” story ever?  You asked me for my autograph and I asked you to make a written commitment to blow me.  Our grandchildren will find that story hilarious when we tell it at Thanksgiving.

Finally, I don't know why I'm writing this on Craigslist Missed Connections as if I don't know who you are when in fact I wrote your name on the back of my setlist and have been Facebook-stalking you for over a year.  That’s a really nice picture of you in that black dress.  I want to lose myself in your eyes.

Love,

James J. Hamilton