Tuesday, December 27, 2011

James J. Hamilton Celebrates Hanukkah With Eight Days Of Natalie Portman Pictures

By James J. Hamilton

To celebrate Hanukkah this year, I (a Gentile) used my Facebook page to run an eight day series of pictures of my favorite Jew (the lovely Natalie Portman) with characteristically hilarious captions added by me.  If you don't "like" my Facebook page, what the fuck is wrong with you? here's what you missed:

Day 1:  
I am officially jealous of a chimpanzee.

Day 2:
I want a mustache ride.

Day 3:
"Seriously, I would really want to grab Scarlett's breasts. She's got beautiful ones." - Natalie Portman, with whom I wholeheartedly agree

Day 4:
"You're welcome." - Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky


Day 5:
Hey Obama, I can think of one thing that might convince me to vote for you...

Day 6:
Her seatbelts are fastened and I'm in the full upright position.

Day 7:
If you thought Hillary Clinton was ugly before, wait until you see her standing next to Natalie Portman (PS it must be cold in there).

Day 8:
"Dreams are basically the farts of the mind." - Natalie Portman, Harvard psychology degree-holder and the girl of my mind-farts

Now I can claim there is a semi-legitimate reason for me having at least 8 of the 564 Natalie Portman pictures that are on my computer.

Happy Hanukkah!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

New Anti-bullying Legislation Sparks Controversy at Local High School

By James J. Hamilton

WEST PARK, PA—The Pennsylvania Stop Bullying Act, passed by the state legislature last month, is quickly becoming controversial as local West Park High School begins to apply the new law.  Though the law was intended to provide a clear mandate for schools to deal with harassment, critics have argued that it forces schools to conduct lengthy investigations and impose strict disciplinary measures for incidents that are not serious.  Others see it as an attempt to legislate against normal social interaction among teenagers.  PTA member Janice Price said “The school shouldn’t be turning kids into whiny pussies who can’t stand up for themselves.  That’s the parents’ job.”

Earlier this month, senior Tim Miller became the first West Park student to be disciplined under the new law when he got caught passing a note that said “Sally Wilson gives good hand jobs.”  Miller was suspended for two days as a result of the incident.  He spoke out against the punishment, arguing that he should not have been disciplined at all because “it was intended as a compliment.”  When asked about the source of his information, Miller said “I know from experience, dude.  Well, not me personally, but a guy I know…”  Our fact-checking department has confirmed that Miller was referencing a famous line from the film Billy Madison, but has thus far been unable to corroborate the note’s allegations.

Some have expressed concern that teachers are spending too much time filling out paperwork to comply with the new law and don’t have time to do their jobs.  One student, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that “Mr. Cooper hasn’t finished grading last week’s calculus test yet because he had to spend three hours filling out a report about how Jeff Adams said he needed to use the quadratic equation to calculate how many guys Sally Wilson has given hand jobs to.”  When asked to comment, teacher David Cooper said “Mathematically, it doesn’t even make sense.”

Critics of the new law are blasting state Senator Eileen Dickson, who drafted the legislation and pushed its passage.  At a press conference yesterday, Senator Dickson defended the law, saying “My colleagues across the aisle apparently want to see more kids slashing their wrists and putting guns in their mouths to end the emotional pain caused by bullies repeatedly calling them jizz-guzzling cocksmokers with impunity.”  Senator Dickson is currently co-sponsoring a bill that would make giving someone a wedgie a summary criminal offense (or a second degree misdemeanor if atomic).

Opponents of Senator Dickson’s efforts have speculated that her enthusiasm for the cause may be the result of having been bullied herself.  Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis noted that the name “Eileen Dickson” is ripe for parody.  “Plus, she looks like a ferret,” he added.

Even the students at West Park High School are criticizing Senator Dickson.  A custodian reported finding the phrase “Senator Dickson smells farts” carved into one of the tables in the library.  The custodian expressed disapproval of the carving but said it was nice that the students were showing an interest in politics.

Local bully Eddie Stevens said he would not let the new law get in the way of his normal bullying activities.  Describing the legislation as “retarded,” Stevens said he took its recent passage as a challenge to bully even more students.  “I was going to let Brian Robertson off the hook for his gay new Justin Bieber haircut, but I unloaded on him because I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to be intimidated by the gay government.”      

Stevens was also critical of Senator Dickson, describing her as “a giant slut whose mom probably had sex with a ferret” and claiming “I made my dad agree never to vote for her again by threatening to quit the baseball team.”  Stevens even had a message for the Senator: “I want Senator Dickson to know that I’m going to give Bobby Jenkins an extra swirly today just because she’s a bitch.  And also because Bobby Jenkins is a fag.”

UPDATE: Senator Dickson’s staff has reported the occurrence of an “upperdecker” at the Senator’s Harrisburg office.  Capitol police have confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis is a suspect.