FBI Raids Mar-a-Lago, Seizes Barron Trump's Stash of "Tall Pills"

By James J. Hamilton

PALM BEACH—The FBI searched Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate on Monday as part of an ongoing investigation into the former president's 16-year-old son Barron. Federal agents have long suspected that Barron's growth to the towering height of 6 feet 7 inches has involved the use of controlled substances. People familiar with the matter say that the FBI seized a large stash of so-called "Tall Pills," which are not FDA-approved and are manufactured in an unknown foreign country. Importation of unapproved drugs is a violation of the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, and legal experts say that Barron could face a term of incarceration in a juvenile detention facility, where is likely to face many entreaties to join the basketball team.

Amy Coney Barrett Becomes First Hot Woman To Serve On Supreme Court

By James J. Hamilton

WASHINGTON—With her confirmation by the U.S. Senate, Amy Coney Barrett has become the fifth woman and first hot woman to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court. “The first four female justices had brilliant legal minds,” said a prominent legal scholar speaking on the condition of anonymity. “But let’s be honest: they left something to be desired in the looks department. Justice Barrett is the total package. Our first JILF.” 

Great personalities

Hot justices have long been a minority on our nation’s highest tribunal. The first hot male justice was John Jay, the lone hottie on the original six-member Supreme Court appointed by George Washington. Since its beginnings, the Court has been largely dominated by unattractive justices. 

John Jay: One stud adrift in a sea of horsefaces

Historically, most presidents have not considered hotness as a major factor when reviewing a potential nominee’s qualifications, especially in the pre-photography age. Some early presidents even picked new justices sight unseen, and court watchers would just have to put up with whatever uggo came shambling up to the bench. 

The hot bloc adds a member

Barrett joins John Roberts and Neil Gorsuch as the only hot members of the current Supreme Court, which remains heavily slanted in favor of unattractive justices, who hold a formidable 6-3 majority. "President Trump has put a lot of hot judges on the lower courts," said our anonymous legal scholar, "so a hot majority on the Supreme Court could be in our near future. I'm getting hard just thinking about it."

The End Times - October 11, 2020

At State Of The Union Address, Justice Kennedy Weighs Whether To Let Trump Replace Him Or Cling To Power Till Death

By James J. Hamilton

WASHINGTON—When 80 year old Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy attended Donald Trump’s first State of the Union Address last week, the up-close-and-personal look at the new president reportedly prompted the 1987 Reagan appointee to face the difficult decision whether to retire and let Trump replace him or cling to office until the cold hand of death pries the scepter of power from his fingers. 

As the Supreme Court's swing vote, Kennedy has bent the Constitution to his will with impunity for two decades, repeatedly breaking with his fellow Republican-appointed colleagues to author landmark opinions in favor of abortion and gay rights. 

With former clerks suggesting the Court's longest-serving member is on the fence about a possible resignation at the end of this year's term, Kennedy will soon decide whether protecting his legacy for a few more years is worth forgoing a relaxing retirement to instead die at his desk. 

To make his choice, Kennedy must weigh the extent to which a Trump-appointed replacement might erode his maverick jurisprudence against the abject terror of continuing to hold his seat in stubborn defiance of advanced age and medical reality.

Conspicuous by her absence at Trump's speech was Kennedy's oldest and most liberal colleague, 83 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. A cancer survivor who fell asleep at President Obama's 2015 State of the Union and later admitted she "wasn't 100% sober" at the time, Ginsburg recently signaled that she has no intention of retiring and will serve as a potent example for Kennedy as he considers the physical and mental cost of remaining on the Court as the Grim Reaper creeps ever closer.   

Trump Enjoys 95% Approval Rating With Nation's Fastest Growing Demographic: Dudes Who Leave Comments On Porn Sites

By James J. Hamilton

WASHINGTON—Pollsters say President Trump's approval rating has soared to an astonishing 95% among the nation’s fastest growing demographic: Dudes who leave comments on porn sites.

"Comment sections didn't really exist on porn sites when President Obama first took office," said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports, "but the percentage of Americans leaving comments on porn videos has skyrocketed in the last few years." Pollster Frank Luntz warned: "Dudes who comment on porn videos are now a substantial voting bloc that can't be ignored. If Democrats can't break into that demographic, they're going to be in the minority for a long time."

PornHub user Hard_Cock_69, who commented that a video entitled "18 Year Old Slut Who Loves Anal" was "so hot i just jacked it twice in a porta potty at work lol," said he supports Trump's travel ban and believes the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals misapplied the standard of review for temporary restraining orders when it struck down the policy. 

"OMG I came so hard I almost jizzed in my own face," commented YouPorn user Epic69Boner420 in response to "Squirting Asian Schoolgirls Spanked Hard In Detention." Saying he voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson but has warmed up to Trump somewhat since the election, Epic69Boner420 praised Trump's nomination of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court and expressed excitement about Gorsuch's record of skepticism toward the Chevron doctrine, a precedent requiring courts to defer to executive agencies' interpretations of ambiguous statutes. 

Rasmussen and Luntz said Trump's approval rating hits 99% when the polling sample is narrowed to dudes who leave racist comments on interracial porn videos. PornTube user BigDicKKK1933, a rare member of that sampling group who does not support Trump, explained his opposition to the president by saying: "He let his daughter marry a Jew." BigDicKKK1933 added that the video "White MILF Takes Two Giant Black Cocks" is "a perfect example of why 9/11 happened." 

"Hamilton" Cast Trashes Mike Pence After Pence Spoils Play By Revealing Hamilton Dies At The End

By James J. Hamilton

NEW YORK—When Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the hit broadway musical "Hamilton" on Friday night, the cast took a timeout from the performance to publicly denounce him for ruining the play by revealing the spoiler that Alexander Hamilton dies at the end in a duel with Aaron Burr. 

Sources say Pence, while standing in the crowded lobby before the play, said out loud to his wife that he was looking forward the scene in which Hamilton is killed by Burr, adding that he hoped the performance would capture the intense drama of the actual historical event. 

Pence's comments were overheard by his fellow playgoers, many of whom were understandably outraged at having spent thousands of dollars on tickets to a play only to have Pence spoil it by blabbing about the ending.

President-elect Donald Trump demanded that the "Hamilton" cast apologize to Pence, but no one should listen to Trump, because he's probably the type of inconsiderate jerk who will be standing in line on opening night of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, loudly announcing to Melania that the rebels get away with the Death Star plans at the end.