Disney's Hall Of Presidents Selling Unneeded Animatronic Hillary Clinton On eBay As A Sex Robot

By James J. Hamilton

ORLANDO—Amid recent news that realistic sex robots are hitting markets across the globe, Disney World's Hall of Presidents is reportedly selling its now-useless animatronic Hillary Clinton on eBay as a sex robot.

Disney, which grossed $2 billion at the box office on Star Wars: The Force Awakens, refuses to simply throw the robot in the trash. Disney CEO Bob Iger said "Look, we wouldn't be a $150 billion dollar company if we passed up opportunities to make a buck."

Though the minimum bid was initially set at one dollar, Iger expects bidding to skyrocket once news of the auction reaches the alt-right, whose members' inability to attract real women makes it the ideal market for sex robots.

If the Hillary robot fetches a good price, Disney may dust off its superfluous John McCain and Mitt Romney animatronics and put them on the sex robot auction block next. "There's definitely someone out there," Iger said, "who would pay to be tag-teamed by McCain and Romney." 

Poll: Bernie Sanders Crushing Among White Dudes With Dreadlocks

By James J. Hamilton

Polls show that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is absolutely crushing among white dudes with dreadlocks. According to the most recent RealClearPolitics Average, Sanders has 96% support in that demographic.

“If this election were up to white dudes with dreadlocks,” said pollster Frank Luntz, “Bernie Sanders would win the presidency by a mile and a half.”

“This level of support is unprecedented,” said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports. “Sanders’s 96% support among white dudes with dreadlocks is higher than Donald Trump's 92% support among assault rifle owners with at least two DUIs, or even Hillary Clinton's 94% support among unmarried women who have used the word 'mansplain' unironically within the past month.”

Among the 4% of white dudes with dreadlocks who didn’t say they support Sanders, the most popular poll response was “I’m literally too high to think right now, bro.”

Jeb Bush Changes Name To Jeb Smith

By James J. Hamilton

TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, former Florida Governor and possible frontrunner for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, announced today during a speech to the Florida Chamber of Commerce that he has filed paperwork legally changing his name to Jeb Smith.

"I think everyone would agree we've had too many Bushes and Clintons in the White House," said Smith. "The country needs something different."

"We've never had a President Smith," said Smith's campaign manager, David Kochel. "Look it up. You'd think we would have, because it's such a common name, but we haven't. It's time to change that."

Political analysts say Smith's name change could be a preemptive strike against Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton, who inside sources claim has contemplated changing her name to Jane Smith. "Now Hillary's going to have to pick something else," said Fox News analyst Charles Krauthammer, "like Jane Miller."

"If I was Hillary I'd go with Jane Jones," said Rachel Maddow of MSNBC. "The alliteration will play well with younger voters."