Tuesday, December 18, 2012

James J. Hamilton's Second Annual Natalie Portman Hanukkah Celebration

By James J. Hamilton

Last December, I (a Gentile) celebrated the eight crazy nights of Hanukkah by posting eight pictures of my favorite Jew (the lovely Natalie Portman) with hilarious captions written by me (which can be viewed here).  A year has gone by and my hard drive has accumulated over 600 new pictures of Natalie, so here we go again:

Day 1
"Dr. Portman, Mr. Hamilton is here for another prostate exam."

Day 2
Never in my life have I wanted a hand job so badly.

Day 3
Pulp Fiction prequel idea: Natalie plays Walken's character, I play the watch.

Day 4
It's a good thing I wasn't invited to this, because I hear Holocaust boners are frowned upon.

Day 5
Anakin: "The Force tells me one of us will win an Oscar someday."
Amidala: "Yeah... it probably won't be you."

Day 6
I got 99 problems and not being able to get this close to Natalie Portman is one.

Day 7
"James J. Hamilton loves you and will let you go as soon as you say it back."

Day 8
Natalie Portman watching "Comedy Central Presents James J. Hamilton"(This should make you feel really lazy and uncreative about the things you masturbate to)

Happy Hanukkah!

Monday, November 12, 2012

RECAP: Super Fool II, the Second Annual Pittsburgh Comedians' Football Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)
HOMESTEAD, PA—These were fish out of water.  "It's weird.  I've never seen any of you in the daytime.  Or outside," said Amber Schiefer.  Most of the "competitors" probably couldn't remember the last time they were awake before noon on a Sunday.  It's safe to say nobody was skipping church for this one.  "This is within 100 yards of a school.  I shouldn't be here," said Aaron Reiber.  There was no Gatorade on the sideline, but the game's unofficial sponsor—Colt 45—was flowing before the first snap.  "We have beer on school property, so if the cops show up..."  Several players smelled like weed.  The football gods were weeping blood.


Anal Avengers (Captain John Pridmore, John Dick Winters, Alex Stypula, Shannon Norman, Drew Kennedy, Brandon Rickard, Zach Funk)


Zawodni & Sons (Captain Ray Zawodni, Mark Mammone, Isaac Kozell, Gordon Duchene, Vincent Didiano, Ed K. [last name redacted])
"I had two bites of a frosty for breakfast—let's play," said Shannon "The Kid" Norman.  But the Anal Avengers weren't quite ready to compete.  Within minutes of the opening snap, Ray Zawodni and Mark Mammone of Zawodni & Sons had returned interceptions for touchdowns.  When Mammone threw a touchdown pass to Zawodni to make it 3-0, Anal Avenger Zach Funk was confused: "I thought it was our ball."  Shannon Norman explained the Anal Avengers' collapse: "We're choking because this is the most people we've ever performed in front of."

But the game wasn't quite over.  Zach Funk made some impressive defensive stops.  The score was 5-2 after Alex Stypula threw a touchdown pass and caught one.  "He's running like he's crossing the state line after a homicide," said Funk.  Drew Kennedy still had faith in the Anal Avengers' ability to "come from behind."

However, Ray Zawodni made sure no such comeback would materialize, turning in a 4 interception performance that powered his team to a 7-2 blowout victory and earned it a spot in the championship game.

Final score
Zawodni & Sons 7, Anal Avengers 2

Notable statistics
Ray Zawodni : 4 interceptions (1 returned for TD), 2 passing TDs, 1 receiving TD
Mark Mammone: 1 interception (returned for TD), 1 passing TD, 1 rushing TD
Alex Stypula: 1 passing TD, 1 receiving TD, 2 vomits


Percocet (Captain Dan Jenniches, Ed Bailey, Drew Rodgers, Amber Schiefer, Derek Minto, Arden Nicoletta)


The Revolution (Captain Matt Light, Aaron Kleiber, Aaron Reiber, Zach Roach, Gio Attisano, Dustin Dowling)
The epic matchup between Percocet and The Revolution was a protracted, fiercely contested struggle that actually came to resemble something like an athletic competition.  Receivers and defensive backs collided violently.  Players tackled each other instead of grabbing flags.  Dan Jenniches reported taking shots to the nuts.  Dustin Dowling's shoulder was coming out of its socket like a fifteen year old John Pridmore coming out of the closet.  "You guys should take your comedy this seriously," said Shannon Norman.

The play of the game happened early when Arden Nicoletta's pass intended for Dan Jenniches was intercepted by Dustin Dowling after the ball popped up into the air when Jenniches collided with a defender.  It looked like Dowling would take it all the way for an easy pick-6 when Ed Bailey came out of nowhere to chase Dowling down and prevent a touchdown.

The scoring began when Aaron Kleiber's touchdown passes to Matt Light and Aaron Reiber put The Revolution ahead 2-0.  Ed Bailey soon evened it up with scoring throws to Dan Jenniches and Drew Rodgers.

The game then turned into a heated defensive battle, with many drives ending in a turnover on downs or an interception.  "Right here, fuckface," said Derek Minto as he held up an opponent's flag after making a first-down-preventing stop.  

As the contest dragged on, those watching on the sidelines grew distracted.  "You got nice nipples," Ray Zawodni told John Winters.  Zawodni later called to Dan Jenniches: "Lemme see some nip.  You never show nip on the first date, do you?"  We found out Ray Zawodni has a thing for dudes' nipples, but with the score locked up at 4-4 we were no closer to learning who would prevail in this clash of relative titans.

Percocet went on to show some serious athleticism.  Captain Dan Jenniches racked up 10 receptions in a Wes Welker-like performance.  "He's Heath Miller-ing me," said defensive back Dustin Dowling.  "Ed Bailey is fucking fast," said Aaron Kleiber, who was intercepted twice by Bailey.

However, The Revolution would ultimately pull out a win with a workmanlike, all-around team performance.  Matt Light's 3 interceptions and Aaron Kleiber's 5 touchdown passes helped The Revolution outlast Percocet and make it to the finals.

Final score
The Revolution 6, Percocet 4

Notable statistics
Matt Light: 3 interceptions (1 returned for touchdown), 1 forced fumble, 1 receiving TD
Aaron Kleiber: 5 passing TDs
Aaron Reiber: 2 receiving TDs
Gio Attisano: 2 receiving TDs
Dustin Dowling: 1 interception, 2 shoulder pop-outs
Dan Jenniches: 10 receptions, 2 receiving TDs
Ed Bailey: 3 interceptions, 2 passing TDs
Drew Rodgers: 1 interception, 1 rushing TD, 1 receiving TD, 1 passing TD

(aka "The GayFC Championship Game")

Percocet vs. Anal Avengers
With the Anal Avengers getting bulldozed in their first game and Percocet putting up an impressive performance in a narrow defeat, spectators expected the third place consolation game to be a forgettable blowout.  The ensuing contest was indeed a lopsided shutout victory for Percocet, but it was accompanied by such outrageous shenanigans that it is destined to live forever as a legendary episode in the annals (anals?) of Pittsburgh comedy history.

The antics began when the teams were taking the field ("I'm drunk," said John Pridmore) and Anal Avengers first overall draft pick John Winters took his pants off, stripping down to his (blue) tighty whities.  Referee Brandon Johnson tried to salvage decorum by insisting that the game could not start until Winters put his pants back on.  However, like the Indianapolis Colts players who shaved their heads to support their coach going through chemotherapy, three of Winters' teammates showed their solidarity by similarly stripping down to their underwear.  Confronted with this "I'm Spartacus" situation, the referee had no choice but to allow the game to proceed with Winters, Alex Stypula, John Pridmore, and Brandon Rickard indecently exposed (Shannon Norman opted to keep his capri pants on).

Onlookers were stunned and titillated.  "Who doesn't have a boner right now?  I am raging," said Dustin Dowling.  "Alex Stypula has a swimmer's ass," said Aaron Kleiber. 

The game opened with Winters throwing a pass to a wide-open Pridmore, who failed to catch the ball because he had a can of beer in his hand.  Later, the Anal Avengers nearly received a delay of game penalty because Pridmore was "posing for sexy pictures" on the sideline.
One of said "sexy pictures"
The shenanigans culminated with quarterback John Winters sexually molesting center Alex Stypula prior to the snap in an unspeakable episode that can only be interpreted as relegating John Pridmore to the status of third-gayest player on his team.
This reporter has been unable to confirm whether penetration occurred
In all this chaos, many people (including most of the Anal Avengers' players) forgot there was a football game going on.  When the smoke (or men's sauna steam?) cleared, Percocet had completely destroyed their scantily-clad opponents in a lightning-quick 5-0 victory.  Ed Bailey had three interceptions, saying "I'm not letting these motherfuckers catch the ball, because I'm not touching them."  Amber Schiefer capped off this abortion of an athletic competition with a game-winning touchdown run.  "Did we lose already?" said Pridmore, as if disappointed by a partner's premature ejaculation.

Final score
Percocet 5, Anal Avengers 0

Notable statistics
Ed Bailey: 3 interceptions (1 returned for touchdown)
Dan Jenniches: 2 receiving TDs
Arden Nicoletta: 2 passing TDs
John Winters: 3 interceptions thrown, 1 attempted rape


Zawodni & Sons vs. The Revolution
The Revolution hoisting the Super Fool II championship trophy
The championship game turned out to be an anti-climax, not only because the spectators were still shocked by the homoerotic spectacle of the "GayFC Championship Game," but because it was clear that the two best teams had already met when The Revolution played Percocet in Game 2, the only competitive match of the day.

The Revolution quickly dispatched Zawodni & Sons with a dominating performance on both sides of the ball.  Aaron Reiber and Gio Attisano each scored touchdowns off Mark Mammone interceptions.  Mammone said "Fuck!  You can quote that."

Aaron Kleiber threw 3 touchdown passes, with the game-winning scoring strike being caught by captain Matt Light.  Earlier in the game, Light made the day's top play when he reached over defenders to catch a long bomb that took his team down to the goal line, setting up a touchdown.

Final score
The Revolution 5, Zawodni & Sons 0

Notable statistics
Aaron Kleiber: 3 passing touchdowns 


Most Valuable Player (Matt Light)
Last year's MVP Dan Jenniches passes the torch to new MVP Matt Light while Aaron Kleiber photobombs
Matt Light earned this year's MVP award by leading his team to the championship with strong two-way play that included 3 key interceptions against Percocet and the title-clinching touchdown catch.  When asked how he felt about winning the championship and the MVP award, Light said "I'm going to my Disney World—the Penn State showers."  He continued: "I'd like to thank my 9th grade English teacher who said I would never amount to anything.  He's still right, because we won a meaningless game today."  Light graciously accepted the championship trophy from last year's MVP, Dan Jenniches, saying "Hey Dan, how does my dick taste?"

Brad Ryan Spirit Award (Zach Funk)
The Brad Ryan Spirit Award, named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a career-ending bone fracture in last year's game, is awarded to a player who left it all on the field.  Zach Funk, a lifelong picked-last-in-gym-class nerd, earned the award by turning in a standout defensive performance.  Despite being the last pick of the pathetic Anal Avengers, he was the team's best player.  He was also the most prepared player: "Is Zach Funk wearing a jock strap and a cup?  Someone tell him we're not playing jai alai," said Aaron Kleiber.  Funk probably prevented a shutout in Game 1 with his acrobatic defensive stops.  "He's a flag-grabbing motherfucker," said Gordon Duchene.  In the consolation game, when most of his teammates thought they were filming a gay porno, Funk kept his head in the game and his pants on his body.  "I can do sports!" he said in a tearful acceptance speech.

The Tombstone Badass Award (John Winters)
John Winters's pathological craving for attention is truly staggering.  Within a community of people who eagerly brave blizzards for the chance to talk about penises in front of two or three apathetic barflys, this skinny-jeans-wearing, lumberjack-beard-having monster stands head and shoulders above the rest in his willingness to do anything just to have people look at him.  After the circus that was Super Fool II devolved into an actual athletic competition during the drawn-out game between Percocet and The Revolution, Winters took it upon himself to restore disorder.  A veritable Lord of Misrule, he unabashedly bared his hideous physique and ignited an uproarious, homoerotic disgrace of a football game.  For this, we salute him.

—James J. Hamilton

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

PREVIEW: Super Fool II, the Second Annual Pittsburgh Comedians’ Football Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer for the “Paul Itser” Prize-winning James J. Hamilton’s Blog)

WHO:  Pittsburgh comedians
WHAT:  Super Fool II
WHEN:  Noon, Sunday, November 11, 2012
WHERE:  Campbell Field, Homestead, Pennsylvania
WHY:  Massive, fragile egos
HOW:  Pathetically

Pittsburgh’s comedians clashed on the football field one year ago and now they’re back for more.  While concussions, broken bones, and a pervasive lack of health insurance have dictated that it be flag football instead of tackle this time, there has been no loss in intensity.  Four teams have been drafted and the desperate, megalomaniacal attention-whores that make up Pittsburgh’s comedy community are raising the stakes with their racially and sexually-charged trash talking in advance of what is sure to be a dazzling display of non-athleticism.  The Steelers don’t play until Monday night, so come on down to Campbell Field in Homestead at noon on Sunday to watch as 25-30 mediocre-at-best comedians compete to be glorious gods of the gigglers’ gridiron.

Here is a preview of the action:
Team captains Dan Jenniches, Matt Light, Ray Zawodni,
and John Pridmore hard at work evaluating players before the draft


Captain: Dan Jenniches
Color: Black
Draft: (1) Ed Bailey; (2) Day Bracey; (3) Arden Nicoletta; (4) Drew Rodgers; (5) Derek Minto; (6) Amber Schiefer; (7) Erick Williams; (8) John Evans

Reigning MVP and Percocet team captain Dan Jenniches controversially took black players with his first two picks and plans to spread the ball around on Sunday.  He believes his team is fast and athletic, although he expressed concern about having multiple cigarette and pot smokers on his team: “I’m not sure how weed affects endurance, but I can’t imagine it’s positive.”

Jenniches said his secret weapon could be an alleged former Shaler High School quarterback, the relatively unknown Drew “Aaron Rodgers” Rodgers, who was overheard telling an opposing player “I hope you like watching my backside as I run past you.”  The other teams could be seeing a lot of the “Dick Scout Double Czech” touchdown dance.

Jenniches declined to give an official comment on whether his team would put any bounties on opposing players, but emphatically stated “I’m gonna turn Matt Light into my Brad Ryan,” referencing the career-ending bone fracture suffered by Ryan in last year’s game.

Prognosticator Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross predicts: “This team will win if it can overcome the 45 delay of game penalties from Erick Williams trying to tell stories in the huddle.”

When asked about his team’s chances of winning it all on Sunday, Jenniches said: “Bring cake.  It’s gonna be Joe Pesci’s birthday.”


Captain: Ray Zawodni
Color: Blue
Draft: (1) Isaac Kozell; (2) Mark Mammone; (3) Ed Kniznik; (4) Elliott Burns; (5) Vincent Didiano; (6) Dave Laughlin; (7) J. Russ; (8) Amy Capiross

Zawodni & Sons captain Ray Zawodni is confident he will field the best team on Sunday: “I don’t want to ruin the ending for you guys, but my teams wins.”  He said Percocet’s team looks strong, but that Dan Jenniches’s strategy of drafting black guys early may backfire because last year only one out of four black players showed up for the game: “Dan Jenniches is gonna be fucked when I call in a bomb threat to the Port Authority because none of his players will be able to get there.” 

Zawodni said he opted to go after Jews instead, because even though they have a reputation for being “terrible football players” who “complain a lot,” they are “more reliable.”  Jew Ed Kniznik confirmed this impression, citing his lifelong history of receiving awards for participation and attendance.

Zawodni believes that Kniznik, despite his Jewishness, could be a secret weapon because he vaguely remembers seeing a picture of him on Facebook wearing a headband and figures he must therefore be somewhat athletic.

Zawodni & Sons first round pick Isaac Kozell was extremely excited about his high selection.  He posted the news on classmates.com to shove it in the faces of jocks he went to high school with and texted his wife to tell her that he wants his tombstone to say he was a first round pick in the second annual comedians’ football game.

Fourth round draft pick and perennial bench-warmer Elliott Burns (6 years experience; 1 career reception) predicted that he will score seven touchdowns, but Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross counter-predicted that Burns “will drop every single pass because he’s looking at Amy’s tits.”


Captain: John Pridmore
Color: Brown
Draft: (1) John Dick Winters; (2) Alex Stypula; (3) Drew Kennedy; (4) Shannon Norman; (5) Gordon Duchene; (6) Brandon Rickard; (7) Zach Funk

Anal Avengers captain John Pridmore doesn’t sugarcoat things: “We are the team to beat.  I mean that literally—we’re the team that everyone is going to beat.”

Pridmore denied rumors that he was a high school football star, saying he was only in charge of toweling off players after they showered.  He said he may need his teammates to explain the rules of football to him, but that he will be very useful if someone pulls a groin muscle.

When asked about his strategy, Pridmore said his team “is gonna try to do that Hail Mary thing.  I don’t know what it is, but everyone talks about it.”  He also said he is going to try to grab opposing players’ crotches: “They can’t catch the ball if I have their balls.” 

Zawodni & Sons captain Ray Zawodni expressed concern that Anal Avengers sociopath Alex Stypula would bite his players.  Stypula is reportedly excited about “touching dicks to celebrate good plays.”

Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross said “it looks like John Pridmore picked his team based on the people most likely to bring drugs to the game.”  Pridmore agreed that half his players will be wasted and at least one will be on cocaine: “We may not be the best team, but we’ll be the drunkest team.” 

The Anal Avengers are planning to use some unorthodox methods to prepare for the game.  Pridmore said he would get in shape by watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon and drinking a lot of chocolate milk.  Shannon Norman said he is “going to eat a shitload of chicken Alfredo before this game so I puke everywhere as soon as I start running.”

When asked why he selected John Dick Winters with the first overall pick, Pridmore said “I forgot about the black guys.”  Winters said he is looking forward to trying to hurt people, particularly his wily nemesis Erick Williams.  He said Krispy Kremes and gin are the only performance-enhancing substances he will use, as he won’t take steroids because he can’t afford to make his genitals any smaller than they already are.


Captain: Matt Light
Color: Purple
Draft: (1) Dustin Dowling; (2) Gio Attisano; (3) Aaron Reiber; (4) Zach Roach; (5) Aaron Kleiber; (6) Glenn Baroni; (7) Bobby Weir

Revolution captain Matt Light said his team has a 25% chance of winning it all, but a 100% chance of pissing off all the players on the other teams.

Light demonstrated why he earned a league-high four-star asshole rating when he said that “Dan Jenniches has as much of a chance as a three year old in an African Wild Dog enclosure.”  He then announced a bounty on Jenniches: whoever takes him out gets an expired Hills gift card.  He also seconded Ray Zawodni’s doubts about the reliability of the black players drafted by Jenniches.

Light said John Pridmore’s strategy “is like his jokes—it won’t work.”  He mocked Ray Zawodni’s strategy of drafting Jewish players: “Jews are good at getting burnt.”  He also said they are “good at getting their quarter back, not at playing quarterback.

Light drafted Aaron Kleiber to play quarterback even though he “threw like 40 interceptions” last year in his role as all-time quarterback.  There are concerns that Kleiber will not be in peak physical condition for the game, as he said he will be drinking heavily for three straight nights prior to the game and that he may blow out his knee.  John Evans told the press that Kleiber “tore his ACL bending over to pick up a Funyun.”

The Revolution’s first round pick Dustin Dowling said he feels no pressure because he will probably be in the best shape of anyone on the field.  An anonymous source said that’s like being the least retarded person in the Special Olympics.

Light said his team will get fired up for the game by injecting crystal meth into their eyeballs, something he says he saw on an episode of Roseanne.


Referee Brandon “Ray Charles” Johnson claims that he visited an eye doctor a year and a half ago and that he does not needed glasses or contacts.  Johnson warned that players would be penalized for showing attitude to the referee or doing the types of things Ric Flair does.  He also expressed a willingness to accept bribes.  Rumor has it that Johnson will decide “simultaneous catch” situations by giving the ball to whichever player has most closely heeded his advice on how to improve the player’s jokes.


With the developing blacks versus Jews storyline, Pittsburgh comedy could have a Crown Heights Riot on its hands.  It remains to be seen whether the black players will show up and lead Percocet to an easy victory or whether the insanely racist statements of Ray Zawodni and Matt Light will be proven correct in a tortoise/hare scenario.  But if you’re doubting whether black people will show up when they're supposed to, just ask Mitt Romney.

With two girls set to play in the game, Pittsburgh’s male comedians have already ignited a veritable “war on women.”  When Matt Light was told that Amy Capiross didn’t want to be on his team, he said “I blow her off for two shows and she doesn’t want to be on my team?  I’m gonna clothesline her.”  In an unrelated incident, Drew Kennedy said he “can’t wait to clothesline” Amber Schiefer, who responded by saying she would kick Kennedy in the teeth.  The clothesline seems to be the weapon of choice for male comedians to threaten against those whom they think should be spending more time hanging laundry on a clothesline.  However, such rampant misogyny could easily backfire.  This writer asks that everyone remember how Julie “The Cat” Gaffney won the Junior Goodwill Games for Team USA at the end of Mighty Ducks 2.

 –James J. Hamilton

Monday, September 17, 2012

Movie Sequels They Should Make

By James J. Hamilton 
Hey big shot Hollywood producers, here’s a bunch of great ideas for movie sequels I made up.

Taken 3 
A Mexican drug cartel takes Liam Neeson’s beloved childhood teddy bear and he goes on a murderous rampage to get it back.

Godfather 4 
Michael Corleone puts out a hit on Francis Ford Coppola for making Godfather 3.

Reservoir Dogs 2
Mr. Pink escapes with the diamonds but gets beaten to death by an Applebee’s wait staff for not tipping.

Black Swan 2 
Two hours of Natalie Portman-Mila Kunis girl-on-girl action.
I'm just looking for any excuse to post this picture again.
Dark Knight 4
Four hours long and Batman is only in it for twelve minutes.

Big Lebowski 2
Because Tara Reid’s house is probably in foreclosure.

Gone With The Wind 2: I Still Don’t Give A Damn
Not giving a damn about Reconstruction.

Lost In Translation 2: Surf’s Up!
About the Japanese tsunami, but with Scarlett Johansson full frontal nudity.

Three Old Guys And A Twentysomething
The hilarious sequel to 1987’s Three Men And A Baby.
Where are they now?
Rocky 7: The Rambo 5 Chronicles
Stallone versus Stallone, where Stallone’s wallet wins but his dignity loses.

Fast And Furious 6
Because every couple of years there’s a new batch of 17 year olds who don’t realize how stupid these are.

The Graduate 2
“Coach Sandusky, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you.”

Jurassic Park 4
Buddy comedy prequel starring Samuel L. Jackson and Newman in their computer programmer roles (no dinosaurs). 

The Shawshank Redemption 2 
The homoerotic tale of two former prisoners refurbishing an old boat on a Mexican beach.
This time, the buttsex is consensual.
Moneyball 2: The Oakland A’s Still Haven’t Won Shit
Because Brad Pitt’s good looks do not a champion make.

Snakes On A Plane 2
Animated children’s comedy about heroic snakes who foil a terrorist hijacking plot.

Austin Powers 4
Because the Obama administration has made “100 billion dollars” sound like a laughably small amount of money.

Nutty Professor 3
Put Kevin Sorbo in it and milk that “Hercules! Hercules!” thing for all it’s worth.

Shrek 5
If nothing else, it will delay Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy from making Austin Powers 4 and Nutty Professor 3.

Indiana Jones 5
Indy retires from adventuring and becomes an expert on Pawn Stars who tells people their artifacts are fake.
The Holy Grail? I could maybe give you $20 for it.
You’re welcome, Hollywood!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Craigslist Missed Connections

By James J. Hamilton

It was December 16, 2010.  You were the hot blonde sipping red wine at the bar at Papa J’s in downtown Pittsburgh.  I was the overweight comedian telling date rape jokes at the comedy open mic. 

It was Christmastime and I had a joke where I said I got everyone a present and I held up an index card that said “A donation has been made in your name to the James J. Hamilton Alcohol & Marijuana Purchasing Fund.”  I also said I was looking for people to volunteer at the “Suck My Dick Foundation” and I had a sign-up sheet.   After my set, I handed out some of the “a donation has been made in your name” cards to people in the audience, most notably you.

I waited until the guy you were with went to the bathroom before I went up to you (turns out he wasn’t your boyfriend because he offered to give me his seat when he came back and I don’t think he would’ve done that if he was your boyfriend because I was clearly hitting on you although maybe he just felt so un-threatened by me that he didn’t care oh shit now I feel inadequate again).

I gave you one of my “a donation has been made in your name” cards and you asked me to sign it for you.  It was the first time anyone asked for my autograph.  You said the “Suck My Dick Foundation” bit was the best joke of the night.  I agreed.  I jokingly asked you to write your name on the “Suck My Dick Foundation” sign-up sheet and you almost did.  I gave you my business card because I thought you would be impressed that it says “Attorney at Law” on it.  You said you would friend me on Facebook.  I waited, but that friend request never came.  I should’ve asked you out right then, I but I didn’t and I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since.

I hope we see each other again.  Wouldn’t we have the best “how we met” story ever?  You asked me for my autograph and I asked you to make a written commitment to blow me.  Our grandchildren will find that story hilarious when we tell it at Thanksgiving.

Finally, I don't know why I'm writing this on Craigslist Missed Connections as if I don't know who you are when in fact I wrote your name on the back of my setlist and have been Facebook-stalking you for over a year.  That’s a really nice picture of you in that black dress.  I want to lose myself in your eyes.

James J. Hamilton

Monday, March 12, 2012

Fuck Marry Kill - Downton Abbey Edition

By James J. Hamilton

You know the rules:  Three people.  You have to fuck one, marry one, and kill one. 

Today's contestants are Downton Abbey's Crawley sisters: Mary, Edith, and Sybil.

Left to right: Edith, Mary, and Sybil
Marry Sybil
This is a no-brainer for me.  Sybil is the nice one.  She has a positive attitude and doesn't let things get her down.  She has a mind of her own and stands up for herself.  She has convictions and likes to help others.  She wants to travel.  She's the only one of her sisters with even a rudimentary knowledge of how to cook.  Oh yeah, and she's the hottest.
Sybil:  Marriage material
Sure, she's a bit headstrong and opinionated, but in the end that's a good thing.  She wouldn't let her prying family get all up in our business and tell us what to do.  And frankly, she's the only one who wouldn't let her father stop her from marrying my low-class ass.  Sybil is a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman who would be an equal partner in marriage.  If you want your wife to be a doormat, there's Edith.  If you like 'em high maintenance, there's Mary.  Sybil's the gal for me.  I see some "naughty nurse" role-playing in our future.

Fuck Edith 
I feel like 98% of people would automatically kill Edith without thinking twice.  She's the homely, forgotten middle sister.  She's the afterthought, the leftover.  Even the old guy who wanted to propose to her only settled for her after Mary rejected him.  In many ways, she's the quintessential "kill."  It's the archetype of her character: "Am I just to be the maiden aunt?  Isn't this what they do?  Arrange presents for their prettier relations?"  If Edith knew you were doing Fuck Marry Kill with her and her sisters, she would probably blindfold herself for the firing squad before you even announced the results.  But that's exactly why I chose to fuck her.  
Edith:  Starved for affection
If you wanted to fuck Edith, she would appreciate it.  She's so neglected that she throws herself at anyone who pays her any attention: The old guy, the dirty farmer, the burn victim, and the same old guy five years older with a crippled arm.  Edith wants it so bad, she would do anything you wanted.  The mere thought of you choosing her over Mary would make her wetter than the Thames.  Do you really think Mary would want to go down on you?  Edith would suck until the cows came home if you asked her.  I'll bet she would even do butt stuff.  She'd be eager to please because she feels like she has something to prove.  So let's put that inferiority complex to good use:  Edith, harness all of that pent-up jealousy and resentment and take it out on my dick.  We know she knows how to drive a stick.

Kill Mary
Mary's hot, but her negative personality is a turn-off.  Fancy-wine-glass-half-empty Mary: "An uppity minx who is the author of her own misfortune."  She'll never be happy because she only wants what she can't have.  No matter what happens, she'll find something wrong with it.  Her expectations are so high, you could never satisfy her. 
Mary:  Nothing is ever good enough for her
If you were fucking Mary, she'd probably act like she was doing you a favor.  She'd just lay there like a wet noodle and wouldn't even have the decency to fake it.  Good luck getting her to do any butt stuff.  And remember, the only guy who's ever tried to fuck Mary didn't make it out of her bedroom alive.  So I'll kill Mary and put her out of her self-imposed misery.

Bonus round
You can fuck all three if you let the Dowager Countess watch (and criticize, of course).
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Thursday, January 5, 2012

London Philharmonic Orchestra Disbands After Yoko Ono Starts Dating 8th-chair Violinist

By James J. Hamilton
LONDONEighty years after it was founded by Sir Thomas Beecham, the London Philharmonic Orchestra is calling it quits. Sources say the cause of the 100-member orchestra's breakup is tension over the relationship between 8th-chair violinist Andrew Thurgood and John Lennon's widow, artist Yoko Ono.

The orchestra's problems reportedly arose soon after the couple started dating in October. Percussionist Keith Millar expressed the frustration of Thurgood's fellow musicians: "They've only been dating a couple months, and now she's sitting in on rehearsals and insisting we add cow mooing sounds to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. This is bullshit." Principal Conductor Vladimir Jurowski opposed the changes, saying "That bitch doesn't know dick about classical music."

The orchestra plans to cancel the remainder of its 2011-12 season, citing irreconcilable creative differences. Cellist Gregory Walmsley said "I don't care what anyone says, I'm not playing Brahms in the nude."