13 Racial Slurs Ad-libbed By Scarlett Johansson That Didn't Make The Final Cut Of "Avengers: Age Of Ultron"

By James J. Hamilton

While audiences are raving about the non-stop action and exciting new characters jam-packed into Avengers: Age Of Ultron, which opened in the U.S. this past weekend and has already made an estimated $627 million worldwide, rabid fans are also talking about what's not in the film, including deleted scenes featuring Thor's villainous brother Loki, the absence of a post-credits scene, and a reported subplot exploring Black Widow's virulent racism.

"If you read the comics the way I do," said Scarlett Johansson in an exclusive interview, "it's clear that Black Widow is a horrible racist." Johansson (who plays the Russian assassin) reported that, while there was nothing about Black Widow's racism in the script, she felt compelled to improvise repeated references to the character's irrational hatred of blacks, Jews, Arabs, Latinos, and Asians. "Obviously racism is awful and I don't condone it, but it's an important aspect of the character that I felt should be acknowledged. Despite my incessant lobbying, however, [director] Joss [Whedon] didn't think it belonged in the film. Needless to say I was disappointed but I'm still proud of my work."

1. "Nigger"

"When Black Widow sees a successful, confident black man like James Rhodes [played by Don Cheadle]," Johansson said, "she feels so threatened that she just has to demean him. It's ugly, but it really shows how insecure she is in her own skin. I thought it was great, but Joss made me do the scene again without the slur. Maybe there was some issue with the movie keeping a PG-13 rating. To me, that's a cop-out. Life isn't PG-13."  

2. "Heeb"

"Thinking about Ultron's plans for world domination, the obvious analogy Black Widow is going to make in her own mind is with the Jews," Johansson said. "That's why I thought it was appropriate for her to call Ultron a 'conniving metallic Heeb,' but Joss disagreed." 

3. "Camel Jockey"

"Ultron is essentially a terrorist," Johansson said, "and I don't think Black Widow would be able to resist the urge to say something like 'camel fucker' to him. Ultimately I went with 'camel jockey' because it's PG-13, but even that was apparently too much and it got cut." 

4. "Wetback"

"I know it's a comic book movie," Johansson said, "but it should still try to be as realistic as possible, right? There is simply no way Black Widow could go almost two and a half hours without saying 'wetback.'"

5-13. "Zipperhead" (9 times)

"Dr. Helen Cho [played by Claudia Kim] is a beautiful Asian woman, and she's a brilliant scientist," Johansson said. "Black Widow sees her as a romantic rival because Black Widow has feelings for Dr. Bruce Banner, who is also a scientist, and deep down she's worried Dr. Cho might be a better match for him. Predictably, she reacts to her feelings of inadequacy by fixating on Dr. Cho's race and lashing out at her, over and over again. I honestly can't believe this didn't make it into the movie. Cutting 'nigger,' I understand, but this? This really should've been in there."

When asked to comment on Johansson's ad-libs, Whedon said: "I don't know what any of that was about. Maybe Scarlett was on some medication and had taken too much, or maybe she needs to be put on some medication."

Johansson said she hasn't given up on getting a fully-developed depiction of Black Widow on film: "There's always Avengers 3. Thanos will definitely push a lot of her racist buttons." 

Movie Filming Outside Local Man's Apartment Presents Opportunity To See How Movies Are Made And To Shoot Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—Local landscaper and part-time Uber driver Stephen Gilchrist reported feelings of excitement yesterday as a new big-budget action movie filming outside his apartment building presented him with the unique opportunity to observe how movies are really made and, if he felt like it, to shoot actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson with the Remington pump-action 30-06 hunting rifle he keeps in his closet. 

"I never thought I would get to see how a real Hollywood movie set worked, much less hold The Rock's life in the palm of my hand like a candle I could blow out at any moment," Gilchrist said. "It was awesome. When I opened my window, I heard the director yell 'cut,' saw the actors hanging out on the set between takes, and realized that I could easily put a bullet in The Rock's head from here if I wanted." 

"I would never actually do that," he added. "That's messed up. I love The Rock. I'm just saying I could."

Gilchrist said he didn't know what the movie was about but that he would definitely go see it when it comes out. "It'll be so cool to go to the movies and see the place where I live," he said. "I saw some places I know in Pittsburgh in The Dark Knight Rises and Jack Reacher, but I bet it'll be even cooler to see my own apartment building up on the big screen. I'll be the only person in the theater to know that those same frames of film stock that captured the take that ended up being used in the movie could’ve been the very frames to hold the images of The Rock’s skull exploding, had I chosen that path for him."

Gilchrist also observed Dwayne Johnson's co-star Nicole Kidman on the set, which reportedly led to one of the most satisfying masturbation sessions of his life. "I've masturbated to Nicole Kidman before," he said. "She was naked in Eyes Wide Shut. Very hot. But this was different. Somehow it was so much hotter knowing I literally had the power to murder her at the time and that she was only still alive because I allowed it." 

Movie Sequels They Should Make

By James J. Hamilton 

Hey big shot Hollywood producers, here’s a bunch of great ideas for movie sequels I made up.

Taken 3 

A Mexican drug cartel takes Liam Neeson’s beloved childhood teddy bear and he goes on a murderous rampage to get it back.

Godfather 4 

Michael Corleone puts out a hit on Francis Ford Coppola for making Godfather 3.

Reservoir Dogs 2

Mr. Pink escapes with the diamonds but gets beaten to death by an Applebee’s wait staff for not tipping.

Black Swan 2 

Two hours of Natalie Portman-Mila Kunis girl-on-girl action.

I'm just looking for any excuse to post this picture again.

Dark Knight 4

Four hours long and Batman is only in it for twelve minutes.

Big Lebowski 2

Because Tara Reid’s house is probably in foreclosure.

Gone With The Wind 2: I Still Don’t Give A Damn

Not giving a damn about Reconstruction.

Lost In Translation 2: Surf’s Up!

About the Japanese tsunami, but with Scarlett Johansson full frontal nudity.

Three Old Guys And A Twentysomething

The hilarious sequel to 1987’s Three Men And A Baby.

Where are they now?

Rocky 7: The Rambo 5 Chronicles

Stallone versus Stallone, where Stallone’s wallet wins but his dignity loses.

Fast And Furious 6

Because every couple of years there’s a new batch of 17 year olds who don’t realize how stupid these are.

The Graduate 2

“Coach Sandusky, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you.”

Jurassic Park 4

Buddy comedy prequel starring Samuel L. Jackson and Newman in their computer programmer roles (no dinosaurs). 

The Shawshank Redemption 2 
The homoerotic tale of two former prisoners refurbishing an old boat on a Mexican beach.

This time, the buttsex is consensual.

Moneyball 2: The Oakland A’s Still Haven’t Won Shit

Because Brad Pitt’s good looks do not a champion make.

Snakes On A Plane 2

Animated children’s comedy about heroic snakes who foil a terrorist hijacking plot.

Austin Powers 4

Because the Obama administration has made “100 billion dollars” sound like a laughably small amount of money.

Nutty Professor 3

Put Kevin Sorbo in it and milk that “Hercules! Hercules!” thing for all it’s worth.

Shrek 5

If nothing else, it will delay Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy from making Austin Powers 4 and Nutty Professor 3.

Indiana Jones 5

Indy retires from adventuring and becomes an expert on Pawn Stars who tells people their artifacts are fake.

The Holy Grail? I could maybe give you $20 for it.

You’re welcome, Hollywood!