Thursday, January 5, 2012

London Philharmonic Orchestra Disbands After Yoko Ono Starts Dating 8th-chair Violinist

By James J. Hamilton
LONDONEighty years after it was founded by Sir Thomas Beecham, the London Philharmonic Orchestra is calling it quits. Sources say the cause of the 100-member orchestra's breakup is tension over the relationship between 8th-chair violinist Andrew Thurgood and John Lennon's widow, artist Yoko Ono.

The orchestra's problems reportedly arose soon after the couple started dating in October. Percussionist Keith Millar expressed the frustration of Thurgood's fellow musicians: "They've only been dating a couple months, and now she's sitting in on rehearsals and insisting we add cow mooing sounds to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. This is bullshit." Principal Conductor Vladimir Jurowski opposed the changes, saying "That bitch doesn't know dick about classical music."

The orchestra plans to cancel the remainder of its 2011-12 season, citing irreconcilable creative differences. Cellist Gregory Walmsley said "I don't care what anyone says, I'm not playing Brahms in the nude."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

James J. Hamilton Celebrates Hanukkah With Eight Days Of Natalie Portman Pictures

By James J. Hamilton

To celebrate Hanukkah this year, I (a Gentile) used my Facebook page to run an eight day series of pictures of my favorite Jew (the lovely Natalie Portman) with characteristically hilarious captions added by me.  If you don't "like" my Facebook page, what the fuck is wrong with you? here's what you missed:

Day 1:  
I am officially jealous of a chimpanzee.


Day 2:
I want a mustache ride.


Day 3:
"Seriously, I would really want to grab Scarlett's breasts. She's got beautiful ones." - Natalie Portman, with whom I wholeheartedly agree


Day 4:
"You're welcome." - Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky

 

Day 5:
Hey Obama, I can think of one thing that might convince me to vote for you...


Day 6:
Her seatbelts are fastened and I'm in the full upright position.


Day 7:
If you thought Hillary Clinton was ugly before, wait until you see her standing next to Natalie Portman (PS it must be cold in there).


Day 8:
"Dreams are basically the farts of the mind." - Natalie Portman, Harvard psychology degree-holder and the girl of my mind-farts

Now I can claim there is a semi-legitimate reason for me having at least 8 of the 564 Natalie Portman pictures that are on my computer.

Happy Hanukkah!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

New Anti-bullying Legislation Sparks Controversy at Local High School

By James J. Hamilton

WEST PARK, PA—The Pennsylvania Stop Bullying Act, passed by the state legislature last month, is quickly becoming controversial as local West Park High School begins to apply the new law.  Though the law was intended to provide a clear mandate for schools to deal with harassment, critics have argued that it forces schools to conduct lengthy investigations and impose strict disciplinary measures for incidents that are not serious.  Others see it as an attempt to legislate against normal social interaction among teenagers.  PTA member Janice Price said “The school shouldn’t be turning kids into whiny pussies who can’t stand up for themselves.  That’s the parents’ job.”

Earlier this month, senior Tim Miller became the first West Park student to be disciplined under the new law when he got caught passing a note that said “Sally Wilson gives good hand jobs.”  Miller was suspended for two days as a result of the incident.  He spoke out against the punishment, arguing that he should not have been disciplined at all because “it was intended as a compliment.”  When asked about the source of his information, Miller said “I know from experience, dude.  Well, not me personally, but a guy I know…”  Our fact-checking department has confirmed that Miller was referencing a famous line from the film Billy Madison, but has thus far been unable to corroborate the note’s allegations.

Some have expressed concern that teachers are spending too much time filling out paperwork to comply with the new law and don’t have time to do their jobs.  One student, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that “Mr. Cooper hasn’t finished grading last week’s calculus test yet because he had to spend three hours filling out a report about how Jeff Adams said he needed to use the quadratic equation to calculate how many guys Sally Wilson has given hand jobs to.”  When asked to comment, teacher David Cooper said “Mathematically, it doesn’t even make sense.”

Critics of the new law are blasting state Senator Eileen Dickson, who drafted the legislation and pushed its passage.  At a press conference yesterday, Senator Dickson defended the law, saying “My colleagues across the aisle apparently want to see more kids slashing their wrists and putting guns in their mouths to end the emotional pain caused by bullies repeatedly calling them jizz-guzzling cocksmokers with impunity.”  Senator Dickson is currently co-sponsoring a bill that would make giving someone a wedgie a summary criminal offense (or a second degree misdemeanor if atomic).

Opponents of Senator Dickson’s efforts have speculated that her enthusiasm for the cause may be the result of having been bullied herself.  Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis noted that the name “Eileen Dickson” is ripe for parody.  “Plus, she looks like a ferret,” he added.

Even the students at West Park High School are criticizing Senator Dickson.  A custodian reported finding the phrase “Senator Dickson smells farts” carved into one of the tables in the library.  The custodian expressed disapproval of the carving but said it was nice that the students were showing an interest in politics.

Local bully Eddie Stevens said he would not let the new law get in the way of his normal bullying activities.  Describing the legislation as “retarded,” Stevens said he took its recent passage as a challenge to bully even more students.  “I was going to let Brian Robertson off the hook for his gay new Justin Bieber haircut, but I unloaded on him because I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to be intimidated by the gay government.”      

Stevens was also critical of Senator Dickson, describing her as “a giant slut whose mom probably had sex with a ferret” and claiming “I made my dad agree never to vote for her again by threatening to quit the baseball team.”  Stevens even had a message for the Senator: “I want Senator Dickson to know that I’m going to give Bobby Jenkins an extra swirly today just because she’s a bitch.  And also because Bobby Jenkins is a fag.”

UPDATE: Senator Dickson’s staff has reported the occurrence of an “upperdecker” at the Senator’s Harrisburg office.  Capitol police have confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Eric Davis is a suspect.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Roast of the Presidents

Check out this live stand-up recording of James J. Hamilton roasting the Presidents of the United States.


By the way, this video is NSFWIYWITJQAA (Not safe for work if you work in the John Quincy Adams administration).

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Is Kim Kardashian a Sign of the Apocalypse?

By James J. Hamilton

TMZ has reported that Kim Kardashian and her fiancĂ© are looking for Bible passages to have engraved on their wedding bands.  I've decided to help them out.  After careful study, I have found the perfect Bible passage for Kim Kardashian’s wedding band:

Come hither; I will show unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters,

With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.

(Revelation 17:1-2)

How appropriate.  I think the priest should also read that during the ceremony.

But enough fun and games.  I originally considered this a joke, but after further analyzing the Bible passage in question, I have come to the frightening conclusion that Kim Kardashian is actually the Whore of Babylon foretold in the Book of Revelation.  

Let me show you how I got there:

  • “I will show unto thee…”  We are constantly shown her whoredom because everything she does is on TV.

  • “…that sitteth upon many waters.”  Clearly a big ass reference.

  • “With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication…”  A bunch of famous people have fucked her.

  • “…and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.”  The public at large has become intoxicated and obsessed by her and her whoredom.

Wow.  That fits together a little too perfectly.  This is scary.

Still not convinced?  Check this shit out:

“And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour,
and decked with gold and precious stones...” 
(Revelation  17:4)

“And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints...”
(Revelation 17:6)
  
“And she shall be utterly burned with fire:
for strong is the Lord God who judgeth her.”

(Revelation 18:8)

 Somebody call Jack Van Impe. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Star Wars Quotes In Other Contexts

By James J. Hamilton

"I thought they smelled bad on the outside." - Surgeon operating on a homeless guy

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." - Jesus Christ to Pontius Pilate

"Size matters not." - Guys with small penises

"I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."

"Never tell me the odds!" - Guy who always buys a ton of lottery tickets refusing to admit it's a waste of money

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." - Your priest guilt-tripping you into coming to church more often

"Luke's just not a farmer, Owen." - Someone explaining to a disappointed Owen Wilson that his brother Luke Wilson is never going to play FarmVille with him
 
"You rebel scum."

"Where are you taking this... thing?"  - Movie studio security guard to Sarah Jessica Parker's chauffeur

"We had a slight weapons malfunction." - Kid explaining to his mom why his brother has a BB embedded in his butt cheek.

"It's a trap!" - Out-of-position linebacker realizing that an apparent running play is in fact a play action pass

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"One thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner." - Group of friends vowing to take their New Year's resolutions seriously this time

"The circle is now complete." - Kindergartener doing his shape-drawing homework

"You came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?"  "He's the brains, sweetheart!" - Someone asking George W. Bush about the Iraq war and Bush responding by pointing to Dick Cheney  
"This station is now the ultimate power in the universe."

"There'll be no escape for the Princess this time." - The Pont de l'Alma Tunnel in Paris on August 31, 1997

"You have failed me for the last time." - Comedian deciding he will no longer tell that joke that never gets a good laugh

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy." - Princess Leia ordering me to anally penetrate her (from an awesome dream I had)

"He's more machine now than man.  Twisted and evil."

"I have a bad feeling about this." - Someone hearing that George Lucas is planning to make the Special Edition

"I have a very bad feeling about this." - Someone hearing that George Lucas is planning to make the prequel trilogy

"Impressive... Most impressive." - You reading this blog

Check out James J. Hamilton's "Star Wars Saga Told Via Twitter Updates"

Monday, May 9, 2011

Hidden History: What Your High School History Teacher Didn't Want You To Know (Part Two)

Mary Todd Lincoln:
Historic bitch
By James J. Hamilton

Abraham Lincoln was not assassinated.  He faked his death and moved to South America in order to avoid the mess of post-Civil War Reconstruction and get away from his nagging wife.  John Wilkes Booth, the talented actor Lincoln hired to help pull off the scheme, soon faked his own death and joined Lincoln in South America, where the two became drinking buddies and notorious playboys.

Mark Twain, often considered the most famous pen name in American literature, was not actually adopted as a pen name.  Before becoming a writer, young Samantha Clemens chose the name after she underwent the first—and bloodiest—sex change operation ever performed in the United States.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was not wheelchair-bound because he was crippled by polio.  He was simply a bit lazy and didn’t want to get up.

The Allies did not win World War II.  In 1943, the United States concluded that it could not defeat Germany and reached a peace agreement with Hitler.  Most Americans do not realize it, but the Nazi party still rules Europe under the leadership of Adolph’s grandson, Rufus Hitler.

Harry Truman:
Below average tennis player
The famous Chicago Tribune newspaper headline “Dewey Defeats Truman” was not an incorrect report about the result of the 1948 presidential race.  It did not refer to the election at all, but to a tennis match the two candidates had played the previous day in which Dewey beat Truman 7-6, 6-4, 6-2.

John F. Kennedy did not sleep with Marilyn Monroe.  He had planned to, but changed his mind when he found out that she had been born a man.  His brother, Robert F. Kennedy, didn't let that stop him.

North Dakota is no longer part of the United States.  It seceded from the Union in 1993, but the story was not widely reported because nobody cares about North Dakota.  North Dakota became an independent nation known as the People’s Republic of North Dakota.  In 1995, North Dakotan President Bob Jenkins was overthrown by a military coup and North Dakota became a fascist dictatorship.  Throughout the late 1990s, the North Dakotan government perpetrated a genocide in which all people with an IQ over 100 were rounded up and killed.  Nearly a dozen died.  In 2000, North Dakotan troops attempted to invade Canada, but were repulsed when an elderly Canadian man living near the border fired a shotgun at them.

Al Gore:
Destroyer of Worlds
Al Gore is not a human being.  He is an alien from a planet on the other side of the galaxy who came to Earth when his spaceship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.  His extraterrestrial origin explains the incredible knowledge and intelligence which enabled him to create the Internet.  He ran for president in 2000 but lost to George W. Bush following a controversy that ended when the U.S. Supreme Court decided Bush v. Gore.  Despite what the Court’s published opinion says, the case was not decided under the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.  After classified evidence of Gore’s extraterrestrial origin was admitted, the Court decided the case under the fifth clause of Article II, which states that a person must be a natural born citizen of the United States to be eligible for the presidency.  It is believed that Gore then used alien technology to alter Earth’s climate in an attempt to regain power as a spokesman against global warming.

Read Part One