Super Fool VIII Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Captains Matt Light and Dustin Dowling announce their draft picks at the Beerhive

PITTSBURGH—This Sunday, an assortment of hungover comedians will gather at the soccer field behind Woodland Hills High School to participate in the latest iteration of a time-honored ritual: illegally bringing alcohol onto school property. The occasion is Super Fool VIII, the eighth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game.

Super Fool VIII

Sunday, November 11, 2018

12:00 p.m.

Woodland Hills High School

2550 Greensburg Pike, Pittsburgh, PA 15221

Captains Matt Light and Dustin Dowling got together at the Beerhive open mic on Wednesday night to draft their teams. Here is a preview of the matchup:

The Rockettes
Captain Dustin Dowling
Ray Zawodni (1)
Daniel Ferrere (4)
Matt Parsons (6)
Collin Chamberlin (8)
Brandon Schell (10)
Kayleigh Dumas (12)
Paige Polesnak (14)

The Girthquakes
Captain Matt Light
Ed Bailey (2)
Will Ness (3)
Marcus Cox (5)
Andreas O'Rourke (7)
Ian McIntosh (9)
Sky Walker (11)
Joey Purse (13)
Valerie Gauvain (15)
Amanda Averell (16)

"I look forward to this game every year and you ruined it," said Collin Chamberlin to his team's captain Dustin Dowling. "Though it's my fault because I'm the one who suggested that Dustin be a captain," he lamented, watching in horror as Dowling drafted a team oddsmakers are already calling one of the biggest underdogs in Super Fool history. "I can't believe you took Ray Zawodni before Ed Bailey or Will Ness," Chamberlin said. "We need speed!" he added in response to Dowling's fifth round pick of Brandon Schell. Dowling replied: "I'm the speed!"

The Rockettes are going to need more speed than Dowling alone can provide, however, given that Matt Light's Girthquakes are headlined by three players who have earned MVP honors in the last six Super Fools. A three-time MVP himself, Light quickly added Bailey and Ness to his roster and declared that he was already a three-score favorite before Dowling had made his second pick. Light has his eye on a fourth MVP award, saying he plans to play quarterback and lead his team to victory with 12 touchdowns and a perfect passer rating.

Dowling's teammates were dismayed to find that their team is uniformly white, while the Girthquakes landed all three and a half black guys. Light said he hates the New England Patriots (the NFL's whitest team) so much that he drafted all the non-white players to be their opposite. Light noted, however, the Super Fool's historic trend of black players who get drafted but don't show up for the game. Ian McIntosh was a no-show last year and two-time MVP Ed Bailey is already questionable for Sunday. The Girthquakes' status as heavy favorites will be in doubt if the stacked roster Light drafted is not on the field at gametime.

The Rookie of the Year award was created last year and Super Fool VIII features a crowded field of first-timers vying for the honor. Many observers have high expectations for former high school football player Matt Parsons, who said he's the only athlete on the Rockettes. Though he denied that his experience as a combat veteran would help him on the gridiron, he said "I'll do my best for America." Light said "My team can't be stopped by John Cena."

The Girthquakes' rookie Joey Purse lettered in high school football, but a skeptical Light speculated that you can letter by playing one or two plays a game on special teams. We'll find out on Sunday whether Purse's white or black half predominates.

Though the Girthquakes have the only two ladies with Super Fool experience in Valerie Gauvain and Amanda Averell, the Rockettes' rookies Kayleigh Dumas and Paige Polesnak are pumped to take the field and discussed plans to team up and "clothesline motherfuckers." A veteran of soccer and basketball, Dumas said she is "very good at catching" and "gets very angry." Polesnak said her collegiate rugby experience will translate to flag football, and she may have a secret play in the works, though she denied the existence of any secret play after realizing a reporter was listening.

THE ANNALS (ANALS?) OF SUPER FOOL HISTORY

With this year's participants gearing up for their chance at achieving football immortality, now is a perfect time to reflect on the Super Fool’s storied history, a history that has been preserved for posterity by the tireless efforts of the founder and sole member of the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sportswriters Association (“PCISA”). Collected in one place for the first time, here is the record of Super Fools past:

Super Fool I (2011)
Not much is known about Super Fool I, as it is the only “prehistoric” Super Fool, occurring undocumented because it predated the founding of the PCISA. Legends say that the inaugural game was not flag football but tackle, a rule that was changed for future Super Fools because Brad Ryan broke his arm in a collision with Terry Jones.

Winning team: Name unknown (Captain Dan Jenniches)
MVP: Dan Jenniches

Super Fool II (2012)
Preview Article
Recap Article

Winning team: The Revolution (Captain Matt Light)
MVP: Matt Light
Brad Ryan Spirit Award: Zach Funk
Tombstone Badass Award: John Dick Winters

Super Fool III (2013)
Preview Article
Recap Article

Winning team: Zawodni & Sons (Captain Ray Zawodni)
MVP: Ed Bailey
Brad Ryan Spirit Award: Tom Musial

Super Fool IV (2014)
Preview Article
Recap Article

Winning team: Zawodni & Sons (Captain Ray Zawodni)
MVP: Matt Light (2)
Brad Ryan Spirit Award: Brad Ryan

Super Fool V (2015)
Preview Article
Recap Article

Winning team: Zawodni & Sons (Captain Ray Zawodni)
MVP: Will Ness
Brad Ryan Spirit Award: Brad Ryan (2)

Super Fool VI (2016)
Preview Article
Recap Article

Winning team: The Mike Sasson Show (Captain Mike Sasson)
MVP: Ed Bailey (2)
Brad Ryan Spirit Award: Blair Parker

Super Fool VII (2017)
Preview Article
Recap Article

Winning team: The Hogfathers (Captain Matt Light)
Co-MVPs: Matt Light (3), Ray Zawodni
Brad Ryan Spirit Award: Senneca Stone
Rookie of the Year: Ramsey Daniels
Defensive Player of the Year: Ramsey Daniels

Local Mom Posts "Cute" Facebook Video Of Five-Year-Old Son That Will Derail His 2065 Supreme Court Confirmation

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—Local mom Ashley Sanders posted a video of her five-year-old son Aiden to her Facebook page yesterday, unaware that it will resurface in 2065 and sink his nomination to serve on our nation’s highest court.

“Aiden is soooooooo cute lol,” wrote Ashley when she posted the video, which depicts her son, his face red with tears, frantically begging his mother to put a booger back into his nose, then shrieking with furious indignation when she patiently informs him that she cannot.

Ashley’s patience will not be shared by the Senate Judiciary Committee, which in forty-seven years will consider the video to be a troubling indication that Aiden lacks the proper temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice.

The video, dubbed “Boogergate” by the press, will mar the otherwise spotless record of would-be Justice Aiden, which will include decades of dedicated public service and a nearly unanimous appointment to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit.

Widely viewed as a shoo-in candidate for the Supreme Court, Aiden will receive the highest possible rating from the American Bar Association, only to have that rating reevaluated and rescinded in the wake of Boogergate. “This problematic outburst of rage does not comport with the dispassionate impartiality expected of a Supreme Court Justice,” the ABA will say.

After the embattled president withdraws the nomination under pressure from both parties, Aiden will retreat in disgrace, knowing that his once-sterling reputation, like that booger, can never be put back again.

It will be no consolation to him that the candidate nominated in his stead will also be withdrawn, this time following the revelation of a forty-year-old comment on a friend’s Instagram selfie which used language that, according to the third most upvoted definition on Urban Dictionary, has racial undertones.

At press time, Ashley’s Facebook post had garnered over fifty likes.

Book Review: Charles Dickens's Six Cities Trilogy

By James J. Hamilton

Just finished reading Charles Dickens’s classic Six Cities trilogy. Before I came across these three books at a thrift store, I didn't even know there was a trilogy. My take: The first one was great, the second was a tad predictable, and the third was very repetitive. I’m no literary expert but I think he should’ve stopped at one. That first book said it all, there was no need for a sequel. It’s like Hollywood churning out remakes on top of reboots: Rocky 6, Fast & Furious 8. That’s Dickens, cashing in on the success of the first Two Cities and doing basically the same thing over again for a big payday. Shameful.

League Commissioners Agree To Eliminate Fighting From Hockey, Move It To Baseball

By James J. Hamilton

NEW YORK—In a joint press conference today, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that their leagues had reached an agreement to eliminate fighting from hockey and move it to baseball. Bettman said outlawing fighting would make hockey safer and more exciting, while Manfred said legalizing fighting in baseball would liven up the leisurely-paced sport with some much-needed violence. Baseball purists and soon-to-be-out-of-work hockey goons denounced the move, saying they would beat the crap out of Bettman and Manfred if only the government hadn't outlawed fighting in real life.

With The Community Rec Center Scheduled To Be Torn Down, The Old Gang Got Together To Bid On The Demolition Work

By James J. Hamilton

When the city council voted to cut funding for their beloved community rec center and tear it down, the old gang wasn't about to just stand by and watch it happen. They grew up at that rec center! So they resolved to do something: they got together and submitted a bid on the demolition work.

"When I was a kid, the rec center was like a second home to me," said Doug Tolbert, one of the gang's mainstays. "It's where we went for birthday parties, basketball games, heck—I even had my first kiss there. I'll be damned if someone is going to come in and tear it down without me getting a piece of that sweet action."

Tolbert called a gang meeting at the rec center so they could take some measurements and put together an estimate. Longtime gang favorite Nick Stetson cashed in on his construction experience to get a good deal on a wrecking ball rental. With the gang's intimate knowledge of all the rec center's nooks and crannies, no one was better placed to smash it to rubble. Before long, the city council voted to accept their bid.

"We worked like a well-oiled machine," said Jill Easton, the gang's irascible sergeant-at-arms. "Nick unleashed the wrecking ball on the gym. Doug brought down the game room with a controlled burn. I took a sledgehammer to the wall where we carved our names in sixth grade. It couldn't have gone more smoothly."

The gang said they're using the profits from the job to fund a weekend trip to Vegas, where they'll undoubtedly get up to some of their classic shenanigans. The whole thing was such a huge success that the gang resolved to do something else: bid on the electrical installation work for the new Wal-Mart being built on the rec center's lot.

Super Fool VII Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Pittsburgh's comedians couldn't have been more excited to participate in their seventh-annual flag football game: "I'm angry that I'm here," said Sean Collier. "I'm too fat to wear these flags," said Brandon Schell. "I have an inhaler if anyone needs it," said Valerie Gauvain. From the outset, Super Fool VII was shaping up to be another classic display of apathetic athleticism.

Getting ready for kickoff, the participants couldn't avoid contemplating the storied history of Super Fools past: "Is this Brad Ryan's blood on these flags?" asked Collier. "If it's blood, it's definitely Brad Ryan's," confirmed Will Ness. Multiple players would seek to follow in Brad Ryan's footsteps that afternoon, with Dustin Dowling getting off to an early start by separating his shoulder (for the first time) in pregame warm-ups: "I didn't think it would come out that easy," he said. Things would just go downhill from there.

THE TEAMS

Hogfathers
Matt Light (captain)
Ray Zawodni
Dustin Dowling
Collin Chamberlin
Senneca Stone
Tom Musial
Ramsey Daniels

The Gooch
Brandon Schell (captain)
Will Ness
Derrick Knopsnyder
Ron Renwick
Erick Williams
Sean Collier
Valerie Gauvain

FIRST HALF

The Gooch took the ball for the game's opening possession with their captain Brandon Schell under center. Schell started fast with two completions each to Will Ness and Derrick Knopsnyder, before a blitzing Matt Light forced him to throw an errant pass that was intercepted by Ray Zawodni.

On the Hogfathers' first possession, veteran quarterback Zawodni completed a long pass to Senneca Stone, who was on his way to a touchdown when Ness grabbed his flag at the goalline. On the next play, Zawodni connected with Light for the game's first score.  

The Gooch struck back on the next drive, with Schell throwing a touchdown pass to Ness. When the Hogfathers got the ball back, Zawodni scrambled past a blitzing Sean Collier and ran it into the endzone. Schell and Ness wasted no time hooking up for another touchdown to tie the game 2-2.

Things were dead even thus far, but momentum was shifting. After forcing a turnover on downs and pulling ahead on a Ron Renwick touchdown reception, the Gooch were about to score the game's first defensive touchdown. Having scrambled for one score already, Hogfather quarterback Zawodni got cocky when Valerie Gauvain took over on the pass rush: "I'm the Andy Kaufman of flag football," Zawodni said. "I'm only good against women." On the ensuing play, Zawodni would eat his words when he completed a short pass to Dustin Dowling and the two lost control of the ball on a botched backward lateral attempt. Gauvain recovered the fumble and walked it into the endzone. "Suck it, you fuckers," she said. 

The Gooch forced another turnover on downs and took a 5-2 lead when Schell (with a lit cigarette in his mouth) hit Ness for the pair's third touchdown of the half.

With everything going against the Hogfathers, captain Matt Light took over at quarterback determined to be his team's savior: "I don't believe in God, but I have Jesus socks on."

Light helped turn the tide by closing out the half with five completions on six attempts and capping off three consecutive scoring drives with touchdown passes to Zawodni, Stone, and Dowling. The Hogfathers' defense also picked up the pace when Stone intercepted a pass from Schell, enabling his team to even the score before the halftime buzzer sounded.

HALFTIME SCORE

Hogfathers 5

The Gooch 5

SECOND HALF

The Hogfathers opened the second half with Zawodni back at quarterback and took the lead when he threw a touchdown pass to Light. On the next drive, Knopsnyder hauled in a Schell pass and was running down the sideline when Ramsey Daniels went in for the tackle and came up with a flag. However, it took a moment for everyone to realize that flag didn't belong to Knopsnyder, who in the meantime walked into the endzone unscathed. 

The teams kept pace when touchdown passes from Zawodni to Dowling and Schell to Ness made the score 7-7. Dowling's exuberant post-touchdown celebration caused his shoulder to pop out for the second time and it took both Tom Musial and Erick Williams to help pop it back in. "That's never needed two people before," said Dowling.

With the score tied 7-7, the teams were neck and neck. At this point in the game, however, the Hogfathers stepped up and took control. Light connected with Stone for the first of six unanswered scores. Zawodni threw touchdowns to Light, Daniels, and Dowling, then torched Schell for his second rushing touchdown of the day. "I didn't think he was that fast," said Schell. "He looks like 2009 Ben Roethlisberger," said Light. 

The Hogfathers' 6-0 run was made possible by their opportunistic defense, which ended four consecutive Gooch drives with interceptions. Musial and Daniels had the first two picks while Dowling added the next two, the last returned for a touchdown.

With the Hogfathers up 13-7 and time running short, the game was essentially over. Derrick Knopsnyder took over at quarterback for the Gooch and connected with Will Ness, who took it in for his fifth touchdown reception of the afternoon. Ron Renwick intercepted Zawodni and scored a garbage time pick-six touchdown. "Ron is more surprised than anyone," said Ness. Tom Musial closed out the scoresheet when he hauled in a Zawodni pass and managed to stay in bounds on his way to the endzone. The Gooch tried to mount one more drive, but the clock expired.

FINAL SCORE
Hogfathers 14
The Gooch 9

STATISTICS

Awards are voted on by the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sportswriters Association.

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER(S)
Matt Light & Ray Zawodni

For the first time in Super Fool history, the MVP award is shared by two players. It is only fitting that those two are Matt Light and Ray Zawodni, whose homoerotic bromance has led them to fix the draft every year so they end up on same team. Light claims to be the Shawn Michaels to Zawodni's Marty Jannetty, and the two always have each other's backs. When Light said "I don't think I'd be good at sucking dick," Zawodni quickly corrected him: "No, you're great at it."

It was impossible to choose between Light and Zawodni for the game's top player, as they were both instrumental to their team's win. With the exception of Dowling's interception return touchdown, they had a hand in every one of the Hogfathers' scoring plays.

Zawodni had ten total touchdowns and was all over the field, dominating in all phases of the game. He became the first player in Super Fool history to score passing, rushing, and receiving touchdowns in one half. He also protected the football as quarterback, giving up only one interception on 37 pass attempts, and added an interception of his own on defense.

Light was his team's most dangerous receiver, hauling in three touchdowns, and his near-perfect stint at quarterback came at a critical time and got the Hogfathers back in the game. He also turned in a self-described Richard Sherman-like performance on defense, with the Gooch failing to complete any passes toward his half of the field.

Light and Zawodni were not satisfied with their Super Fool success, but rather determined to let it ride: "Fuck Disney World," Light said. "We're going to Rivers Casino."

While they couldn't have done it without the help of their teammates, Light and Zawodni owe special thanks to the one person most responsible for making their MVP award possible: the trucker who hit Ed Bailey.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR & DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Ramsey Daniels

One player's standout performance inspired the Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sportswriters Association to create two new awards to give to him. The winner of the first Rookie Of The Year and Defensive Player Of The Year awards is Ramsey Daniels.

Super Fool newcomer Daniels entered the game as an unknown but walked off the field as a gridiron star. Some speculated that he might "catch gay," but there was nothing gay about his debut performance on Sunday, except for the enthusiasm with which his "man-grabbing hands" stifled opponents. Referred to as "a tackling machine," Daniels led his team in tackles and added an interception and a receiving touchdown.

Daniels spent the afternoon matched up against the Gooch's most dominant player Will Ness, with the two engaging in one of the most hard-fought one-on-one battles in Super Fool history. While Ness turned in a game-high 11-catch, 5-touchdown performance, there's no telling how many more times he might have scored had Daniels not been all over him, as no one else had the height or grit to stop him. The highlight of their battle came when Tom Musial intercepted a pass and Daniels knocked Ness to the ground with a Hines Ward-like crackback block.  

BRAD RYAN SPIRIT AWARD
Senneca Stone

Named in honor of Brad Ryan, who suffered a broken arm in Super Fool I, the Brad Ryan Spirit Award is given to a player who left it all on the field. While Dustin Dowling had his eye on it with his multiple shoulder separations, Senneca Stone ran away with this year's BRSA when he was knocked out of the game in the second half. In the midst of the Hogfathers' 6-0 run, Stone went up to pull in a Zawodni pass and came down with a possible concussion. "His head looked like a cantaloupe hitting the ground," said Light. After completing the Super Fool concussion protocol with a visit to the hospital (in classic Brad Ryan style), Stone now reports that he is okay. But his injury initially worried his teammates, with Collin Chamberlin checking up on him to "make sure he didn't go to sleep in the woods." When asked if he needed a ride home, Stone reportedly didn't remember whether he had driven himself to the field. Zawodni said: "I just asked Senneca if he was okay and he said 'Who's Senneca?'"

CORRECTIONS

Super Fool VII Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Just days before the game was scheduled to kick off, Pittsburgh comedians learned that the Steel Valley High School football field, longtime home of the Super Fool, was closed for renovations. "Fine," everyone thought, "we'll just find another high school to illegally bring beer to." After extensive deliberations, Woodland Hills High School was chosen for the honor of hosting Super Fool VII, the seventh annual Pittsburgh comedians flag football game.

Super Fool VII

Sunday, November 19, 2017

2:30 p.m.

Woodland Hills High School (soccer field behind the high school)

2550 Greensburg Pike, Pittsburgh, PA 15221

If anyone kneels during the National Anthem before this game, it'll probably just be because they have a vicious hangover and can barely stand up. Here are the teams:

Hogfathers (blue)
Matt Light (captain)

Ray Zawodni (1)

Dustin Dowling (4)

Senneca Stone (5)

Collin Chamberlin (8)

Tom Musial (12)

Chris Scriva (14)

Valerie Gauvain (15)

The Gooch (white)

Brandon Schell (captain)

Will Ness (2)

Derrick Knopsnyder (3)

Joey Welsh (6)

Ian McIntosh (7)

Ron Renwick (9)

Ramsey Daniels (10)

Erick Williams (11)

Sean Collier (13)

"I'll be MVP as always," said Hogfather captain Matt Light, who actually hasn't been MVP since 2014. Light said his draft strategy was to pick "the comics I like most." So if Light didn't pick you, it means he doesn't like you that much. The feeling is undoubtedly mutual.

The Gooch captain Brandon Schell personally doesn't give a shit about any of his players, saying he picked them based solely on athleticism. When Light said his team was funnier, Schell countered: "Hopefully you can use dope punchlines to score TDs."

There has been no lack of trash talk in the lead-up to Super Fool VII. Schell said former Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Tom Musial is "washed up," but Light called him "the steal of the draft" and said he intended to use him like James Harrison. Musial noted that he's already paid his health insurance deductible for the year, so any injuries he suffers can be treated for free. 

Schell said he planned to have Derrick Knopsnyder covering Light all game. Light said "good" and posted a photo indicating that Knopsnyder would be choked out "as soon as he opens his mouth."

Collin Chamberlin also had a warning for Knopsnyder: "I'm going to destroy you, bitch. This ain't NACA." Chamberlin is coming back to the Super Fool with a vengeance, having lost weight since last year and claiming he's now in good enough shape to run the shallow routes. "I want the rock on Sunday," he said.

Chamberlin's not the only one who's lost weight. "I have the skinny, rejuvenated Ron Renwick," said Schell. Light said the new, emaciated Renwick "looks like a golf tee with his big round-ass head." Renwick could be important to game's outcome given that he is the only player on Schell's team with any Super Fool quarterback experience (one pass attempt) and boasts an all-time perfect passer rating (having thrown a TD on that one pass).

Schell said he would quarterback his own team: "I got cannon baby!" Chamberlin added: "Too bad he doesn't have good grammar." Schell was unfazed: "Tight spirals, loose buttholes!"

One major storyline for Super Fool VII will be the consequences of the blockbuster trade that occurred immediately following the draft. After Schell accepted Light's offer to swap Joey Welsh and Ramsey Daniels for Senneca Stone and Valerie Gauvain, Light revealed that Stone had played quarterback in high school. Schell said that's fine, as Stone "hasn't been in high school for fifteen years." Light pointed out that Stone's quarterback experience was nevertheless fifteen years more recent than anyone on Schell's team. "I gave you Senneca because your team sucked," Schell said.  

Light has such confidence in Stone that he traded for him even though it meant also accepting a woman on his roster. 

Valerie Gauvain will have an opportunity to shove it in the faces of these chauvinist pigs and will be looking to follow in the footsteps of Blair Parker, who was the last overall pick in Super Fool VI but proved everyone wrong and took home the Brad Ryan Spirit Award. 

With so many Super Fool first-timers whose skill levels are unknown, speculation is rampant. Ray Zawodni opined that "Ramsey Daniels might be good as long as he doesn't catch gay." On Sunday, Daniels will have an opportunity to show the world whether his catching skills are in fact gay. 

Also making his Super Fool debut, Ian McIntosh is up against the assumption that he'll be good just because he's black, but he's mainly happy it's flag football and not tackle, because then his mom wouldn't have let him play. Schell said McIntosh is skinny so he should be able to run well, but McIntosh said he has asthma and is allergic to grass. We'll find out on Sunday if he was joking or if his throat will close up. Either way, it should be a good game.