PREVIEW: Pittsburgh Comedians' Softball Game

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Team captains Zach Funk and Brad Ryan displaying
a disappointing lack of hatred for each another

BLOOMFIELD—At noon on Sunday, July 28, approximately 25 of Pittsburgh's most self-described "comedians" will meet at Wilson Park in Green Tree to play softball. Last night, captains Brad Ryan and Brad Ryan Spirit Award winner Zach Funk got together at the Pleasure Bar open mic to draft their teams.

The lack of excitement was palpable. "Oh, right, I guess that softball thing is happening this weekend" was the prevailing attitude. Instead of a lot of trash talking, the comedians mostly did the only other thing they're good at: Not giving a shit. At press time, the captains had not even come up with wildly inappropriate team names yet.

Here are the teams, if anyone cares:

The draft board

Brad Ryan's team

1. Tom Musial

2. Tom Kupiec

3. Ron Renwick

4. Day Bracey

5. John Dick Winters

6. Sean Collier

7. Jeff Konkle

8. Matt Wohlfarth

9. Ed K. [I assume he still wants his name redacted]

10. Tim Ross

11. Amber Schiefer  

Brad Ryan said his draft strategy was to target "veterans," but Matt Light told him "your team's average age is 46." Ryan pointed out that Tom Kupiec played college baseball, but Aaron Kleiber said "that was 45 years ago, when he still had all his fingers." "I probably should have mentioned that I am not actually related to Stan Musial," said first overall pick Tom Musial, who reportedly has fifteen children who are older than most of the players on the opposing team. During an interview in which he denied age would be a problem for his team, Ryan was called "sir" by a younger woman.

But not all of Ryan's players are AARP members. One relatively young person is John Dick Winters, who looked at his team's roster and said it was "the least funny team in history."  

But not all of Ryan's players are unfunny. Ryan decided to "go for comedy" as opposed to athletic ability with his seventh round pick of Jeff Konkle, whose "one year of fifth grade little league experience" will be put to the test.

Early reports say Ryan's team is a big underdog, but anything can happen on the field. "It's not a Brad Ryan team until I outrun police helicopters and tear gas is shot onto the field," said Ryan.

Zach Funk's team

1. Ray Zawodni

2. Matt Light

3. Aaron Kleiber

4. Dustin Dowling

5. Derek Minto

6. Zach Simons

7. Sereny Welsby

8. Shannon Norman

9. Alex Stypula

10. Jesse Irvin

11. John Pridmore

Zach Funk said he drafted his team with a Moneyball-like system of player analysis called "Funkametrics." Using Funkametrics, Funk looked at a composite of the player's overall body type compared to the 1993 World Series-losing Philadelphia Phillies, averaged in the player's funniness, and then just picked people he thought would do well. 

On the '93 Phillies factor, Funk ended up drafting several players with "good John Kruk bodies." On the funniness factor, Funk's team has a total of one television credit. Either because of or in spite of Funkametrics, Funk drafted a team that has been described as "nasty." 

John Kruk: A comedian's physique

Matt Light asked confidently "Will we use a 10 run rule, or 35?" Light said he hopes to win the game's MVP award in order to complete his quest for a "Triple Crown" which already includes the comedians' flag football game MVP and the comedians' fantasy football league championship. "Those are my only accomplishments in comedy," he added.

"I'm probably gonna have to go shirtless and scalp myself this time," said Alex Stypula, who also announced plans to charge the mound and hit a lot of "quadruples." Funk said he drafted Stypula because he figured "if he's on my team, he's less likely to assault me with a bat." We'll see.

Funk said his team has youth on its side. "Everyone should be able to run 90 feet," he predicted boldly. Funk also stated that getting drunk is an integral part of softball and that he expected his team to be proficient in that regard. 

In the end, everything could come down to John Pridmore's ability to swing a bat while holding a can of Colt 45.

Kate Middleton Attended To By "Queen's Gynecologist"

By James J. Hamilton

LONDON—Currently in "labour" and about to give birth to a child who will be third in line to the British throne, Kate Middleton is being attended to by "the Queen's gynecologist," Dr. Marcus Setchell, who refused to comment on whether his recent assignment working with Middleton's vagina was a relief from the presumably arduous task of dealing with the 87 year old vagina of Elizabeth II. Dr. Setchell did not answer when asked if the Queen's vagina would suffer from any lack of attention while he focuses on Middleton. He also ignored a request to describe the current condition of the Queen's vagina or state whether any "landscaping" was being done there.  

Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Agree Tenth Dentist Needs To Get With The Program

By James J. Hamilton

Nine out of ten dentists agree on most things. But the tenth dentist—Dr. James Silvera, DDS—stubbornly refuses to get with the program. He remains the lone outlier on issues ranging from braces and whitening to Novocaine and denture adhesives. Dr. Silvera describes himself as a contrarian and free thinker, but the other nine dentists agree that he is “an idiot,” “an embarrassment to the profession,” and “an asshole who just wants attention.” 

“He’s giving dentistry a bad name,” said third dentist Dr. Mary Robertson, DDS. “It looks terrible when we can’t come to a consensus on stuff like what toothpastes are effective and how often people should floss.” Dr. Robertson’s eight like-minded colleagues nodded approvingly.

“What would you think about physics,” added sixth dentist Dr. Allen Greenberg, DDS, “if you heard only nine out of ten physicists believed in gravity?” 

Dr. Silvera, who uses a Linux operating system on his computer and has voted for Ross Perot as a write-in candidate in the last five presidential elections, said he doesn’t believe in conformity and asked whether you would jump off a bridge just because nine out of ten dentists told you to.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a longtime patient of Dr. Silvera confirmed that he is a good dentist, but described the selection of magazines in his waiting room as “bizarre,” his office decor as “neo-surrealist,” and the outfit worn by his receptionist as “obscene.”

Dr. Silvera did not respond to a request to confirm or deny allegations that he took a year off from dental school to attend Clown College.

Stunned Public Learns Detroit Wasn't Bankrupt Until Just Now

By James J. Hamilton

DETROIT—The city of Detroit filed for Chapter 9 bankruptcy yesterday, completely and utterly shocking millions of Americans who had been under the impression that Detroit had gone bankrupt a while ago. Victoria Sullivan of Toledo, Ohio expressed her amazement that a city with 78,000 abandoned buildings and $18 billion in long-term liabilities had actually been in a position to meet its obligations to creditors up until yesterday. "I couldn't believe it," said Oliver Burke of Tampa, Florida. "I mean, you saw 8 Mile, right? That came out over ten years ago. How can they just now be running out of money?" 

“There Is No Such Thing As A Brontosaurus,” Exacting Dad Informs Disillusioned 8 Year Old Son

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—A local 8 year old boy’s budding fascination with dinosaurs was dealt a serious blow yesterday when his father bluntly informed him that there is no dinosaur called “Brontosaurus.”  

Bob Troutman was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper after dinner Monday evening when his wife Debra asked their son Kevin what his favorite dinosaur was. Kevin, who was playing with dinosaur toys on the living room floor at the time, held up the figure of a long-necked herbivore and said enthusiastically “Brontosaurus!” This declaration prompted Troutman to look up from his newspaper and tell his son that “there is no Brontosaurus.”

He advised the third grader that, while it is true that in 1879 paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh announced the discovery of a new species of dinosaur which he called Brontosaurus and unveiled a near-complete skeleton that captured the public imagination, one must never forget that Elmer Riggs subsequently published a paper in the 1903 edition of Geological Series of the Field Columbian Museum arguing that Brontosaurus was exactly the same as another species Marsh himself had discovered in 1877 and named Apatosaurus.

Over his son’s loud sobbing and his wife’s pleas to “just let it go,” Troutman went on to explain that Riggs’s opinion has come to be universally accepted and that, according to rules of the International Code of Zoological Nomenclature, the name Apatosaurus takes precedence because it was published first and is hence the dinosaur’s official name.  

After receiving this information, Kevin dropped his toys and ran out of the living room in tears. He was last seen throwing a rock through the window of a warehouse down the street from his home with two other boys whom his grandmother has described as “juvenile delinquents.”

Troutman reportedly spent the remainder of the evening composing a long discourse intended to refute his 6 year old daughter’s continued belief in the Tooth Fairy.

Fantasy Football Preview: Aaron Hernandez’s draft value shaped by Gronkowski injury, potential murder charges

By James J. Hamilton

Every fantasy owner wants to get his hands on one of the few top tier tight ends, but you need to do your homework to make the right pick and avoid overreaching on draft day.  The subject of today’s draft preview: Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez.  Hernandez has put up impressive numbers in each of his three NFL seasons, but his draft value will likely be affected by two developing storylines: (1) the status of fellow Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski’s back injury and (2) whether or not Hernandez has committed murder.

Gronkowski, who caught 11 TDs in only 11 games last year and set an NFL record in 2011 for the most TDs ever scored by a tight end with 18, has been QB Tom Brady’s top target in recent years.  However, he underwent back surgery on June 18 and there have been significant questions about his status for opening day.  If Gronkowski is unable to start the season, Hernandez could see more redzone targets, provided of course that he has not by that time already been charged with the murder of Odin Lloyd, whose body was found in an industrial park about one mile from Hernandez’s home on June 17.

Hernandez, a former Florida Gators star whose lawyer denied has already been charged with interfering with a murder investigation, has shared time with Gronkowski in an offense that Bill Belichick has built around extensive use of two tight end formations.  With top WR Wes Welker departing for Denver and Gronkowski’s health an issue, Hernandez could become the focus of Brady’s prolific aerial assault, much as his home has been the focus of the Massachusetts State Police’s investigation into Lloyd’s death, which is being called a homicide.  Lloyd was shot multiple times and has been described as an “associate” of Hernandez, who has not been ruled out as a suspect despite his breakout rookie season in 2010 and a sophomore campaign in 2011 where he put up career highs in receptions, yards, and TDs.  Hernandez was at a Boston bar with Lloyd the night before his body was found and caught only 5 TDs last year in an injury-plagued season in which he played only 10 games. 

But Hernandez’s ankle is supposedly back to 100% and, even though he is being sued for allegedly shooting a man in the face in an unrelated incident in February, many analysts see him as a potential fantasy stud for 2013.  Others think Gronkowski’s injury problems have been exaggerated and that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s strict policy of suspending players who hurt the league’s image is likely to affect a player who destroyed his cell phone and home security system and hired a cleaning service to “scrub” his mansion.  A panel of fantasy experts projected Hernandez to get 65-75 receptions and 8-10 TDs this year, but that was before police searched his home and removed ten bags of evidence.    

Some analysts point to Ray Lewis as proof that involvement in a murder doesn’t have to get in the way of putting up big numbers, but cautious fantasy owners may want to look elsewhere to fill their tight end slot.  Saints TE Jimmy Graham’s stats dropped off slightly from 2011 to 2012, but he has consistently been suspected of zero killings in each of the last three seasons.  Falcons TE Tony Gonzalez, who turned 37 years old this offseason, caught 93 passes last year and has never obstructed justice in his 17 year NFL career.  Both are solid options.

James J. Hamilton is an experienced fantasy football player who dominated the regular season in both of his leagues last year before spectacularly flaming out in the playoffs.  In 2010, he drafted LB Rolando McClain in the 6th round and drunkenly touted him as the next Patrick Willis (McClain recently retired after three disappointing seasons and multiple arrests).  He last won a fantasy football league in 2005.

NSA Employee In Charge Of Monitoring Our Facebook Accounts Not Too Thrilled About It Either

By James J. Hamilton

 

WASHINGTON—John Wolfe, an NSA employee assigned to the agency’s PRISM program, told reporters Wednesday that, like many ordinary Americans, he too wants the program to be shut down.  He said the outrage expressed by citizens who consider the program an invasion of privacy is “nothing” compared to the outrage he feels about “having to spend 80 fucking hours a week” reading those citizens’ Facebook profiles.  “I have PhDs in mathematics and cryptology.  If I have to read one more status update about Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy weight gain, I’m going to commit a terrorist attack.”  Wolfe added that the program isn’t even effective because there is simply too much data for him to keep up with. “Al-Qaeda could be using Farmville to send coded messages to sleeper cells and I wouldn’t know a thing about it because there’s no way I can analyze every goddamn Farmville request.”