Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Meet The 6 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With

By James J. Hamilton

1. David
Your mom had sex with David in 1999 when she and your dad were going through a rough patch. She was staying at the Marriott near the airport to get some space when this handsome, silver-haired stud offered to buy her a drink at the hotel bar. The rest is history. A Pepsi Bottling Group Sales Representative from Cincinnati, David was in the middle of a messy divorce at the time and the passionate night he shared with your mom was exactly what both of them needed. Since banging your mom, David has been promoted to Regional Sales Manager and has gone on to bang nearly a dozen other moms.

2. Steve
You may think it only happens in porno movies, but one steamy night back in August 2006 while your dad was out of town on business, your mom made the pizza delivery boy into a pizza delivery man. Your mom was sure your dad was cheating on her and thought, "That piece of shit I married is probably fucking a hooker in San Diego right now, so I might as well drink a box of wine and get some sausage delivered right to my door." Steve, who delivered pizza as a summer job during college, is now a software programmer with a wife and two kids. He reported that your mom's unexpected invitation to bang remains the single greatest experience of his life, far surpassing the birth of his children. 

3 & 4. Derek & Chad
In case you were wondering, yes, your mom has been with two guys at the same time and, no, she's not the least bit ashamed of it. You should honestly give your mom props for this one. You know she's still got the goods if, at her age, she can pull a couple of Grade A pieces of man-meat like Derek and Chad. Look, I'm not saying your mom got Eiffel-Towered or anything... Okay, maybe I am. No lie, your mom got legit Eiffel-Towered by these dudes and she still thinks about it at least once a day.

5. Powers Boothe
Your mom had an affair with Emmy-winning actor Powers Boothe from 2008 to 2014. Remember all those weekend casino trips she'd take with her girlfriends? Those were all just cover stories. In actuality, your mom was getting plowed by Cy Tolliver from Deadwood at various bed and breakfasts all over the eastern seaboard. Though they agreed to break it off last year so they could recommit to their respective spouses, both knew deep down that the last time wouldn't really be the last time. There's a strong chance that, if your parents finally end up getting that divorce, Powers Boothe could be your new dad. How cool would that be?

6. James J. Hamilton
Yep. I totally banged your mom, dude. Sorry not sorry. Your mom and I first met when I asked to interview her for an article I was working on (then titled "Meet The 5 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With") and we just kinda hit it off. We had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and all of a sudden I'm straight up porking your mom hardcore in the back of her Dodge Grand Caravan in the parking lot of Applebee's. I'm not going to come right out and say it was the best sex your mom ever had, but if you really want to know, just ask her. Since that first time, we've been meeting up a couple times a week to bone. Deal with it.