Barlett's Familiar Quotations is a classic reference work that is the longest-lived and most widely distributed collection of quotations. Not wanting to be outdone by John "Look How Many Quotes I Compiled" Barlett, I've started my own collection of lesser-known quotations that are destined to become part of our cultural identity:
"Let them jump out of cake." - Marie Antoinette on French revolutionary exotic dancers
"Time flies when you're halving fun." - Buzzkills
"Veni, vici." - Blind Julius Caesar
"If you can't handle me at my worst of times, you don't deserve me at my best of times." - Charles Dickens's online dating profile
"Never a bridesmaid, always the bride." - Elizabeth Taylor
"I'm taking my talents to South Beach." - Cuban refugee fleeing Castro's oppression on a raft to Florida
"I'm taking my talents back to a gross Lake Erie beach." - LeBron James on returning to the Cavaliers
"Punt, pass, and kick? More like cunt, ass, and dick." - Vile twelve year old who sucks at punting, passing, and kicking
"Most people who are against gay rights don't even know any actual gay people." - Gun control advocate who's never held a gun
"Most people who want gun control have never even held a gun." - Gay marriage opponent who's never met a gay person
"Show me the Monet!" - Jerry Maguire to art museum tour guide
"It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." - Date rapists
"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is white, and so are you." - KKK Valentine's Day Card
"Columbine was fucking awesome!" - Columbine High School class of 2014 referencing the fun, fulfilling experiences they had in high school
"It's Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, not Louis XVI and Mario Antoinette." - French homophobes (1770-1793)
"It's Napoleon and Josephine, not Napoleon and Joseph." - French homophobes (1796-1810)
"Put the lotion in the fucking basket!" - Impatient Bath & Body Works manager training a new employee on how to restock the products
"Do you BELIEVE in love after life?" - Necrophiliac remix of that Cher song
"I'm not a hipster." - Hipsters
"Ax not what your country can do for you, ax what you can for your country." - White trash JFK
"Mace Windu? More like Toby-Wan Kenobi." - White supremacist upset that a black Jedi has such a prominent role on the Jedi Council
"What recession?" - Strippers
"Polls are for strippers." - Sarah Palin, just before making it rain on confused Gallup employees
"When will I be ready for that jelly?" - Beyonce's kid, sick of eating peanut butter sandwiches
"Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be fellated" - Blowey Ramone
"When is the winter of our discontent? Now? Really? Like, right now? Shit." - Richard III realizing he's late
"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." - plot of the world's most disappointing porno
"She said yes and!" - improv engagement announcement
"In all honesty, I only did about half of it for the nookie." - bombshell from Fred Durst's memoirs
"Alrighty then alrighty then alrighty then." - Matthew McConaughey as Ace Ventura
"That's what I love about Dorian Grey, man. I get older, he stays the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused in an Oscar Wilde novel
"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get younger, they stay the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Benjamin Button
"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get younger, they stay the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Benjamin Button
"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. They stay the same age because time is a flat circle." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Matthew McConaughey from True Detective
