By James J. Hamilton
This will make more sense if you watch the original 30 second commercial first
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ZOOEY,
a famous actress
SIRI,
a robot that lives in Zooey's phone
JAMES,
a tomato soup delivery boy
Setting: Zooey's House
SCENE ONE
ZOOEY
Is that rain?
SIRI
Yes, it appears to be raining.
ZOOEY
Oh.
Zooey looks out the
window, contemplating the unfathomable loneliness of her existence.
ZOOEY
Let's get tomato soup delivered.
SIRI
I found a number of restaurants whose reviews
mention tomato soup and that deliver.
ZOOEY
Good, 'cause I don't want to put on real
shoes.
Zooey notices that
her house, like her life, is a total mess.
ZOOEY
Remind me to clean up... tomorrow.
SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.
ZOOEY
Excellent. Today, we're dancing. Play "Shake, Rattle & Roll."
Siri plays "Shake,
Rattle & Roll." Zooey dances.
SCENE TWO
The doorbell
rings. Zooey answers it. James is standing in the rain with tomato
soup.
JAMES
Tomato soup delivery.
ZOOEY
Come inside, it's pouring out there.
JAMES
Okay.
Come inside, it's pouring out there.
JAMES
Okay.
James steps inside the door and hands Zooey the tomato soup.
ZOOEY
Oh my, you're soaking wet! You should probably take off those clothes.
JAMES
What?
An awkward silence.
ZOOEY
Oh my, you're soaking wet! You should probably take off those clothes.
JAMES
What?
An awkward silence.
ZOOEY
Wanna bang?
JAMES
Okay.
They bang. He finishes on her back.
ZOOEY
(to
Siri) Is that rain?
SIRI
No, it appears to be semen.
ZOOEY
Oh. Remind
me to order tomato soup again tomorrow.
SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.