Saturday, November 19, 2016

"Hamilton" Cast Trashes Mike Pence After Pence Ruins Play By Revealing Spoiler That Hamilton Dies At The End

By James J. Hamilton
NEW YORK—When Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the hit broadway musical "Hamilton" on Friday night, the cast took a timeout from the performance to publicly denounce him for ruining the play by revealing the spoiler that Alexander Hamilton dies at the end in a duel with Aaron Burr. 

Sources say Pence, while standing in the crowded lobby before the play, said out loud to his wife that he was looking forward the scene in which Hamilton is killed by Burr, adding that he hoped the performance would capture the intense drama of the actual historical event. 

Pence's comments were overheard by his fellow playgoers, many of whom were understandably outraged at having spent thousands of dollars on tickets to a play only to have Pence spoil it by blabbing about the ending.

President-elect Donald Trump demanded that the "Hamilton" cast apologize to Pence, but no one should listen to Trump, because he's probably the type of inconsiderate jerk who will be standing in line on opening night of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, loudly announcing to Melania that the rebels get away with the Death Star plans at the end.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Cheapskate Patient Gets $100k Surgery and Doesn’t Even Tip the Doctor

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Confidential sources say local tightwad Brent Douglas recently received successful angioplasty surgery at Allegheny General Hospital to the tune of $100k and didn't leave any tip for the surgeon who performed the procedure, Richard Stedman, MD.

Dr. Stedman declined to comment on Douglas's failure to tip, though when we asked him about it, he looked like he was about to cry and excused himself from the room. Douglas was apparently too busy to comment on his shameful frugality, with his "wife" claiming he was "unavailable" and "recovering from surgery."

A nurse who assisted in the procedure, speaking on the condition of anonymity, took the penny-pinching Douglas to task for skipping out of the tip. "I'm not saying he's ungrateful, but if patients didn't tip, Dr. Stedman wouldn't be able to spend more than one week a year in the Turks and Caicos."
We spoke to Debra Lerman, MD, vice president of the American Medical Association, who said "Traditionally it's fifteen or twenty percent. When a treatment or procedure goes well, you let your doctor know you appreciate him."

Angie Donovon of the hospital's billing department explained the process: "When we send out the bill, it shows the amount covered by insurance and the amount owed by the patient. It also says GRATUITY NOT INCLUDED in all caps and there's a line where the patients can write in their tips. Some people use that, some just leave cash tips next to their beds when they're discharged."

Friday, November 4, 2016

New Poll Shows 50% of Americans Support Marijuana Legalization, 20% High Right Now

By James J. Hamilton
According to a new Gallup poll, a record 50% of Americans now say the use of marijuana should be made legal, up from 46% last year. In the same poll, 20% of respondents reported being high right now, also a new record. The percentage of Americans who say they are high right now has increased steadily over the past decade and has doubled since 2005, when only 10% admitted to being baked out of their minds. In this year's poll, 91% of those who reported being high right now also said they favored lowering taxes on Swiss Cake Rolls and Funyuns, a position supported by only 12% of Americans not currently high. 

The new poll was conducted with a rigorous scientific methodology and has a margin of error within plus or minus 3 percentage points. One controversial Gallup poll from 2007 suggested that 95% of Americans were high at the time, but the poll was later found to have been based solely on interviews of people standing in line at a hemp necklace vendor at Coachella. The Gallup employee responsible for the poll was fired and subsequently took a position at High Times magazine, where he conducted a poll showing that 78% of High Times subscribers agreed that you can totally hear Satanic messages in Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" if you play it backwards.