Monday, September 17, 2012

Movie Sequels They Should Make

By James J. Hamilton 
Hey big shot Hollywood producers, here’s a bunch of great ideas for movie sequels I made up.

Taken 3 
A Mexican drug cartel takes Liam Neeson’s beloved childhood teddy bear and he goes on a murderous rampage to get it back.

Godfather 4 
Michael Corleone puts out a hit on Francis Ford Coppola for making Godfather 3.

Reservoir Dogs 2
Mr. Pink escapes with the diamonds but gets beaten to death by an Applebee’s wait staff for not tipping.

Black Swan 2 
Two hours of Natalie Portman-Mila Kunis girl-on-girl action.
I'm just looking for any excuse to post this picture again.
Dark Knight 4
Four hours long and Batman is only in it for twelve minutes.

Big Lebowski 2
Because Tara Reid’s house is probably in foreclosure.

Gone With The Wind 2: I Still Don’t Give A Damn
Not giving a damn about Reconstruction.

Lost In Translation 2: Surf’s Up!
About the Japanese tsunami, but with Scarlett Johansson full frontal nudity.

Three Old Guys And A Twentysomething
The hilarious sequel to 1987’s Three Men And A Baby.
Where are they now?
Rocky 7: The Rambo 5 Chronicles
Stallone versus Stallone, where Stallone’s wallet wins but his dignity loses.

Fast And Furious 6
Because every couple of years there’s a new batch of 17 year olds who don’t realize how stupid these are.

The Graduate 2
“Coach Sandusky, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you.”

Jurassic Park 4
Buddy comedy prequel starring Samuel L. Jackson and Newman in their computer programmer roles (no dinosaurs). 

The Shawshank Redemption 2 
The homoerotic tale of two former prisoners refurbishing an old boat on a Mexican beach.
This time, the buttsex is consensual.
Moneyball 2: The Oakland A’s Still Haven’t Won Shit
Because Brad Pitt’s good looks do not a champion make.

Snakes On A Plane 2
Animated children’s comedy about heroic snakes who foil a terrorist hijacking plot.

Austin Powers 4
Because the Obama administration has made “100 billion dollars” sound like a laughably small amount of money.

Nutty Professor 3
Put Kevin Sorbo in it and milk that “Hercules! Hercules!” thing for all it’s worth.

Shrek 5
If nothing else, it will delay Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy from making Austin Powers 4 and Nutty Professor 3.

Indiana Jones 5
Indy retires from adventuring and becomes an expert on Pawn Stars who tells people their artifacts are fake.
The Holy Grail? I could maybe give you $20 for it.
You’re welcome, Hollywood!